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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children not treated the same in terms of cards/gifts etc

67 replies

Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 14:39

When DC1 was born, they were acknowledged by my sister & presents were sent most christmas and birthdays. Always said Thank you and cards sent etc
When sister had DC1, likewise gifts sent at Christmas and Birthday from us.

When DC2 was born, no presents and gifts or acknowledgment and this has continued.

When DC2 was younger, it was hurtful but said nothing and they didn't know or understand much (big gap).

Relationship with sister is not good and she flies off the handle over any perceived slight.

At Christmas - Present for DC1 arrived but none for DC2. DC1 (now a very polite older child aged 11) phoned Aunt saying " Thanks very much for christmas gift, just checking what I'm supposed to do as nothing for DC2 has arrived or is his in the post etc-don't mean to be rude -and very happy to share my present I feel rude asking and don't want offend you.... " Sister replied swiftly and agressively - "No it's not suitable for DC2 and no there isn't a present coming for him" -DC1 asked "Can I ask why & why you treat us differently please I'm not trying to be rude -or offend you but I'm finding it difficult?" Phone was put down and sister deleted herself off all family groups etc. I sent her a text saying thanks for the gift for DC1 but please either treat them the same now or don't send anything - as she was being foul at that point to my parents and everyone else I didn't see that it would make the situation worse. Then a week later present arrived for DC2. -they both sent a thank you cards and I sent a text saying thank you.

A few phone calls since then but she (sister) won't speak to me. She will speak to DC1 not DC2.

Nothing arrived in April for DC2's birthday. But we sent a present for niece in May. And I pointed out to DC that presents are not sent in response to Aunt but for Niece.

In June DC1's birthday passed with nothing from her. And DC1 was relieved. She didn't mind and doesn't expect presents but was pleased they were both being treated the same. Today - 6 weeks after her birthday a large voucher has arrived for her birthday. Sister goes to a lot of trouble for DC1 personalised cards, lavish gifts etc

My kids are polite and well mannered and do not expect any presents but DC1 is getting in a spin about these cards / presents for her but nothing for her sibling.
These are the options she has come up with:
Option 1 ) Say nothing and use voucher for both of them (feels this would be rude, I agree)
Option 2) Say thank you and nothing more and use voucher for both of them (I think this is a possibility)
Option 3) Confront the issue again as politely as possible -via me or her. (I can see why she is considering this)
Option 4..............

Sister and I always have an uneven path -she was the DC1 and it was very difficult growing up as she didn't want me or my 2 other siblings treated in the same way as her-even though my parents did treat us all the same.
Don't want to involve parents. Mother does know -and isn't happy about sister and what she does - sister can not have more than one child and thinks this is why she does it.Money is not in play here. Sister is very well off.

Dc1 is very sensible and has put it to one side and said we can think about it later and not right now.

We will try and find a way forward. But what would everyone else do?

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 22/07/2020 14:42

Get your DD to send a thank you card saying thank you for the voucher and that she will use it to buy X for her and Y for her sister/ brother (I don’t think you mentioned whether your other DC is a boy or a girl sorry).

RandomMess · 22/07/2020 14:43

Return the gift and say thank you but I find it hurtful that you ignore DB so I would rather not have it?

Sleepingboy · 22/07/2020 14:45

Have you asked your sister WHY she is doing this? Do you know why she's doing this? Seems very strange

Burnthurst187 · 22/07/2020 15:07

If the two children aren't going to be treated fairly by your DS I would intercept cards and presents going to DC1. DC1 sounds v mature and I think they will understand the reasoning behind it as they said to DS it's making them feel uncomfortable. Imagine how DC2 must feel!

DS sounds a bit troubled, I wonder what her reasoning is

melj1213 · 22/07/2020 15:08

I think YABU because you are allowing your sister to control your family with these "gifts" despite knowing that your children have noticed, and while DC2 may not have said anything, I have no doubt they are upset that they are being treated differently and their parents are allowing it. Not only that but you are more bothered about upsetting your sister and keeping the peace than standing up for your DC.

My DD is an only child but if she had a younger sibling and any of my siblings tried this, I would screw politeness and would advocate for my younger child. Either both get gifts or neither but do not dare treat my children differently to the point of giving one large lavish gifts and the other nothing at all.

Whether to accept the gift or not would be down to DC1 but Option 4 would be to return the gift to your sister and tell her not to send any more gifts for DC1 until she can acknowledge DC2. Every time gifts arrive for DC1 and not DC2, return them.

melj1213 · 22/07/2020 15:10

Oh also, stop the phone calls. Do not let her have access to DC1 - if Dsis wont talk to you, then she doesnt get to talk to your children.

Spied · 22/07/2020 15:16

I don't think it's dc1's place to confront her Aunt.
YOU need to and decided what to do going forward.
Dc1 is really too involved. She's a child.

Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:21

@Sleepingboy

Have you asked your sister WHY she is doing this? Do you know why she's doing this? Seems very strange
I did. She slammed the phone down. Doesn't talk about and refuses to discuss it -don't want my parents in the middle of it and they too have asked and got similiar. Both DC1 & 2 very polite children and no poor behaviour etc.
OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 15:22

I'd send all gifts and cards for either dc back and say you do t want anything further. Explain to both dc why you've done this and then just don't engage with your sister any longer.

Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:23

@Spied

I don't think it's dc1's place to confront her Aunt. YOU need to and decided what to do going forward. Dc1 is really too involved. She's a child.
Quite agree. But she brought it up on the phone when she phoned Aunt to say thank you. I was in the same room and my jaw dropped DC1 was so mature and nice about it. But sister wasn't nice and slammed the phone down. I'm happy to be the contact point.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:24

@Burnthurst187

If the two children aren't going to be treated fairly by your DS I would intercept cards and presents going to DC1. DC1 sounds v mature and I think they will understand the reasoning behind it as they said to DS it's making them feel uncomfortable. Imagine how DC2 must feel!

DS sounds a bit troubled, I wonder what her reasoning is

The only think I can think is we both had enormous probs having children. I had 5 m/c before my DC1, her DC is in the middle of mine age gap but there is a big age gap between mine. I can't have any more children after DC2. She couldn't have any more after DC1.
OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/07/2020 15:25

I find it odd that you’ve allowed this to go on without addressing it until now. The impression I get from your OP is that you’re very focused on being seen to be polite and tbh it’s something that strikes me regularly on MN - people who will put up with all kinds of shit treatment for themselves and even worse for their dc, yet the most important thing is never to do anything that might not be considered polite Confused.

Look, you’re a grown woman who’s dc are being treated very differently by your sister for reasons only known to her (and best not to waste mental energy trying to work it out). Take control of the situation and tell your sister you’ve decided it’s best from now on that you don’t exchange gifts. I say tell not “ask” or “suggest” or “propose” because you don’t actually require her agreement. Then stick to it and don’t wibble about feeling bad or “depriving” dn!

TheMandalorian · 22/07/2020 15:29

How old are the children. You need to ultimately make the decision. Don't put it on your kids. Also, since your sister is rude as f, I wouldnt be bothered about being rude back.

Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:30

@melj1213

I think YABU because you are allowing your sister to control your family with these "gifts" despite knowing that your children have noticed, and while DC2 may not have said anything, I have no doubt they are upset that they are being treated differently and their parents are allowing it. Not only that but you are more bothered about upsetting your sister and keeping the peace than standing up for your DC.

My DD is an only child but if she had a younger sibling and any of my siblings tried this, I would screw politeness and would advocate for my younger child. Either both get gifts or neither but do not dare treat my children differently to the point of giving one large lavish gifts and the other nothing at all.

Whether to accept the gift or not would be down to DC1 but Option 4 would be to return the gift to your sister and tell her not to send any more gifts for DC1 until she can acknowledge DC2. Every time gifts arrive for DC1 and not DC2, return them.

I think you'll find that your comment is totally off the ball here. I'm not allowing her to treat them differently -she does. I'm not bothered at upsetting her -once she was rude to me when I was going through an awful time and gosh I let her have it and yes she was upset -and have never said I'm bothered at upsetting her -but there is a difference between trying to have reasoned discussion & trying to get to the bottom of it and shouting and screaming.

I could text her and say "Do not send any gifts or cards for DC1 any more -unless you do the same for DC2 -as I've previously asked"

This very deliberate on her behalf.

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 22/07/2020 15:30

Personal, but does DC2 have the same father as DC1? Could she have a massive problem with parent?

Chocoholic12 · 22/07/2020 15:32

Your sister is so rude. Tell her the voucher will be split between both children. Tell her to stick to vouchers in future so that you can do this.

Chocoholic12 · 22/07/2020 15:33

Agreed has your son got a different dad? Was there anything between them in the past? Or is he a different race?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/07/2020 15:33

But you are allowing it @Bemorechicken, how can you say you’re not? She does it and you (until recently) do nothing to prevent it. You’ve allowed it by your own inaction. Jeez your 11 had to be one with the guts to address it!!

Mmsnet101 · 22/07/2020 15:36

I was your DC2 as a child, except we know my uncle only did it because my brother is a boy! His excuse was that he didn't know what to get for girls (he & aunt couldn't have kids and he desperately wanted a boy).

Weirdly my aunt on another side had 3 boys and longed for a girl, so spoiled me rotten. My DM said if it hadn't randomly worked out this way, she would have just returned the gifts from one or the other and told them not to bother until they did.

Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:36

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

I find it odd that you’ve allowed this to go on without addressing it until now. The impression I get from your OP is that you’re very focused on being seen to be polite and tbh it’s something that strikes me regularly on MN - people who will put up with all kinds of shit treatment for themselves and even worse for their dc, yet the most important thing is never to do anything that might not be considered polite Confused.

Look, you’re a grown woman who’s dc are being treated very differently by your sister for reasons only known to her (and best not to waste mental energy trying to work it out). Take control of the situation and tell your sister you’ve decided it’s best from now on that you don’t exchange gifts. I say tell not “ask” or “suggest” or “propose” because you don’t actually require her agreement. Then stick to it and don’t wibble about feeling bad or “depriving” dn!

We have tried. She had a couple of terminations at 20 + weeks both before DC2 and after DC2. Hence the reason for giving her a bit of slack -both late termination were extremely traumatic for her. DC2 didn't mind they are too young and still too young to notice.

I might just send a text saying
"Whilst DC1 appreciates the gesture of the birthday present, she has decided to split to between DC1 & DC2 as DC2 got nothing for their birthday and we support her in this. If you continue to do this -send gifts etc to DC1 for birthday and not DC2 -We will either return them orsplit them as we think fit -either way it is actually pretty awful to DC2 to treat them in this way. " or something like that........

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:37

@Chocoholic12

Agreed has your son got a different dad? Was there anything between them in the past? Or is he a different race?
No nothing like that
OP posts:
melj1213 · 22/07/2020 15:38

I think you'll find that your comment is totally off the ball here. I'm not allowing her to treat them differently -she does

So it is up to you as a the parent to step in and change it. She may treat them differently but you are not stopping it and therefore you are enabling it. Don't allow her to talk to DC1 only. Don't accept gifts for DC1 only.

there is a difference between trying to have reasoned discussion & trying to get to the bottom of it and shouting and screaming.

At this point it doesn't matter why she is doing it, just that she is doing it. There is no longer a need for discussion. She is treating your children differently to the point your DC have noticed and you will no longer allow that to happen.

I could text her and say "Do not send any gifts or cards for DC1 any more -unless you do the same for DC2 -as I've previously asked"

Dont give her an option. "Do not send gifts/cards for DC1 only or they will be returned." If she still sends them, send them straight back.

Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:39

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

But you are allowing it *@Bemorechicken, how can you say you’re not? She does it and you (until recently) do nothing to prevent it. You’ve allowed* it by your own inaction. Jeez your 11 had to be one with the guts to address it!!
I have tried before to address it and speak to her about it. As have parents. Dc1 addressed it as she wanted to and she's 11 going 30 and of that ilk. She's no wallflower.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bemorechicken · 22/07/2020 15:41

@Confrontayshunme

Personal, but does DC2 have the same father as DC1? Could she have a massive problem with parent?
Yes they do. No issues there.
OP posts:
Josette77 · 22/07/2020 15:42

Your daughter never should have had to bring it up because you should have shut this down years ago.