Children not treated the same in terms of cards/gifts etc

[Bemorechicken]

When DC1 was born, they were acknowledged by my sister & presents were sent most christmas and birthdays. Always said Thank you and cards sent etc
When sister had DC1, likewise gifts sent at Christmas and Birthday from us.

When DC2 was born, no presents and gifts or acknowledgment and this has continued.

When DC2 was younger, it was hurtful but said nothing and they didn't know or understand much (big gap).

Relationship with sister is not good and she flies off the handle over any perceived slight.

At Christmas - Present for DC1 arrived but none for DC2. DC1 (now a very polite older child aged 11) phoned Aunt saying " Thanks very much for christmas gift, just checking what I'm supposed to do as nothing for DC2 has arrived or is his in the post etc-don't mean to be rude -and very happy to share my present I feel rude asking and don't want offend you.... " Sister replied swiftly and agressively - "No it's not suitable for DC2 and no there isn't a present coming for him" -DC1 asked "Can I ask why & why you treat us differently please I'm not trying to be rude -or offend you but I'm finding it difficult?" Phone was put down and sister deleted herself off all family groups etc. I sent her a text saying thanks for the gift for DC1 but please either treat them the same now or don't send anything - as she was being foul at that point to my parents and everyone else I didn't see that it would make the situation worse. Then a week later present arrived for DC2. -they both sent a thank you cards and I sent a text saying thank you.

A few phone calls since then but she (sister) won't speak to me. She will speak to DC1 not DC2.

Nothing arrived in April for DC2's birthday. But we sent a present for niece in May. And I pointed out to DC that presents are not sent in response to Aunt but for Niece.

In June DC1's birthday passed with nothing from her. And DC1 was relieved. She didn't mind and doesn't expect presents but was pleased they were both being treated the same. Today - 6 weeks after her birthday a large voucher has arrived for her birthday. Sister goes to a lot of trouble for DC1 personalised cards, lavish gifts etc

My kids are polite and well mannered and do not expect any presents but DC1 is getting in a spin about these cards / presents for her but nothing for her sibling.
These are the options she has come up with:
Option 1 ) Say nothing and use voucher for both of them (feels this would be rude, I agree)
Option 2) Say thank you and nothing more and use voucher for both of them (I think this is a possibility)
Option 3) Confront the issue again as politely as possible -via me or her. (I can see why she is considering this)
Option 4..............

Sister and I always have an uneven path -she was the DC1 and it was very difficult growing up as she didn't want me or my 2 other siblings treated in the same way as her-even though my parents did treat us all the same.
Don't want to involve parents. Mother does know -and isn't happy about sister and what she does - sister can not have more than one child and thinks this is why she does it.Money is not in play here. Sister is very well off.

Dc1 is very sensible and has put it to one side and said we can think about it later and not right now.

We will try and find a way forward. But what would everyone else do?

I’m assuming she’s had two TFMR as they’ve been so late.

I’m guessing she wants a second child and is jealous.

So you need to hash it out or leave it but you’re not currently dealing with it and you must.

Spend the voucher on both dc. Send pics of said item to dsis.. Then block her and return any more gifts..
And tell your dm why.

You need to tell her it is awful for both DC - DC1 is more bothered and upset than DC2. I would also tell her that you hurt that she thinks it is ok to upset and be unkind to your DC.

I voted yabu on the basis you should have spoken to you're sister not putting it on 11 year old the situation should have been able to build up and should have been dealt with.Easiest solution is to stop buying presents for birthdays and presents. Any recieved for dd1 send it back.

Ask your sister to stop sending gifts for just one child. You’d rather have nothing than have kids treated differently. It’s not really for your dc1 to raise the issue - your the adult you do it.

Send a thank you card from you saying you are grateful that she has sent something to be split between the two DC and they will do x and y with their share. Then enclose thank you cards from both DC.

Do this everytime she sends DC1 something.

If she sends an item rather than a voucher, send a thank you card telling her you have sold said item and split it between the DC.

Everytime until she either gets the message or stops sending to either.

I think it’s jealousy for the fact that you have 2 children and she wants to have a 2nd. I think she also sees it as her having to buy 2 gifts whereas you only have to buy 1 and that’s not an even split (not that it’s your fault obviously!).

Even before your update I was thinking jealousy due to fertility issues. It's still an awful way to treat your DC2 but sometimes infertility makes people behave completely irrationally.

I like AngelicInnocent idea.

Split any monies received between the two or sell gift and split money between two, let your sister know you're doing this, also let her know your DC1 is upset and hurt by the situation because of your sister only cares about DC1 then maybe she will stop of she thinks she's hurting DC1.

Do this all via letter so she can't hang up on you.

If she starts sending stuff that's hard to sell just donate to charity and tell her that's what you've done so she knows she's wasting her money.

What a wonderfully caring DC1 you have! You should be very proud of her.

I can hear from your posts you have tried. Honestly what I would do is ask the DC what they want to happen in future and ask for that directly from your sister. If your sister doesn't follow what the DC have asked then ask them what they want to do with what has been sent (if something is sent) or if nothing at all is sent it's the end of the matter.

Is a it a girl boy thing ? Or just your sister is favouriting your DD ? Or your saying she thought she was the most important as the oldest so treating your oldest the same ??

If it's suitable vouchers like toy shop ones then I would share it. If it's gifts I would return them. Your sister has a problem.

I too send gifts to my nieces too and their parents forget every time about my younger kids. As you say when they are young they don't know or expect, but it's sad.

I'd send the gift voucher back. She's obviously not taking any notice if your request to treat the children the same.

You mentioned she said something about hating having siblings? Are you are your other sibling a lot younger/closer in age than her and you? Could it be she never got over having to ‘share’ mum and dad and not being the centre of their universe? I.e she’s spent 7 years of her life having mum and dad, then all of a sudden you and your other sibling came along and ‘ruined’ that?

Either way your sister sounds batshit. I would intercept any gift and either return and then split the gift value between the kids (although this won’t work for their birthdays) or just return any gift/card sent. Your eldest sounds like she would understand WHY you do this.

I also wondered if it’s because she has only 1 child so doesn’t want to pay for presents for yr 2. Very sad, I have 3 nieces and no children of my own. You either buy for all all or not at all.

@poppet31

Even before your update I was thinking jealousy due to fertility issues. It's still an awful way to treat your DC2 but sometimes infertility makes people behave completely irrationally.

Exactly. Having struggled myself. I found it difficult when someone close to me had a baby whilst I had 5 m/c/. I never ignored their child though. I understand from my mother that she had 2 late terminations due to serious genetic problems and my sister found it very very tough -and she had a lot of fertility issues before each of those babies. She doesn't and won't talk about it.

As I said, when DC2 was born I allowed her some slack as I knew she was finding getting pregnant very hard. Then she had another very very late termination with the same issue after another miscarriage -so I haven't addressed it really until the last couple of years -but when I have tried to bring it up is she has slammed off and had a hissy fit - she's nearly 50. After talking it through with my parents -they said they would bring it up and did at a "suitable point" -they did and she reacted badly. I did address it at christmas.

We assumed when no gift came for Dc1 and then Dc2 on their birthdays that she had decided to do nothing -and that was fine with us.

I didn't know who had sent the card and voucher -before DC1 opened it.

Dc1 and I have discussed it. We sent her an email saying thankyou for the voucher, that Dc1 had decided to buy either one gift for her & her sibling or two smaller gifts (one each), but going forward the situation must change. That either nothing to both, or a card each etc but both the same going forward as it is not fair. I said I wished her all the best and if she didn't want to talk to me as a result -that's fine -but this is what we had agreed as a family. After I sent it - I let Mum know what I have done -she agreed and said that if sister gets an strop on -she will tell her that they agree with what I've said -and she either does it or risks losing multiple family members. Done.

Dc1 is very very mature and responsible. Very. She doesn't particularly like her Aunt -Aunt is very competitive when they talk, it is all about her Dc and what she has done and achieved - my mother is aware and for the last 4 weeks, mother and sister have not been in touch -as mother had a phone call and sister did not ask after DC1 or parents and just kept saying that he DS had done all these things. I think mother snapped and just said something like "In the hour conversation plus, you have not asked after anyone else including us and your siblings etc if you are going to be so selfish don't phone ........" and they haven't spoken since - don't know the ins and outs but that is the situation at the moment. But sister has gone silent. Which is no bad thing really -so time to reflect is probably a good thing.

@Twigaletta

What a wonderfully caring DC1 you have! You should be very proud of her.

I can hear from your posts you have tried. Honestly what I would do is ask the DC what they want to happen in future and ask for that directly from your sister. If your sister doesn't follow what the DC have asked then ask them what they want to do with what has been sent (if something is sent) or if nothing at all is sent it's the end of the matter.

She is -she's very very mature for her age and very caring towards her sibling even though they are much younger. No drama here and younger DC is totally unaware of the situation.

I would return any gifts with a note saying that I cannot accept gifts for one child only as I feel it is unfair on the other. And I would buy something myself for both kids instead. Accepting the gift is reinforcing the unreasonable behaviour.

Send a thankyou from both children and use it for both children.

Sorry, just seen you've already sent something. Your older kid sounds fantastic, you're clearly doing a brilliant job.

Your daughter sounds like a little gem and I bet you couldn’t be prouder. It’s great she looks out for her sibling even when it comes to family. Glad you’ve taken action and I hope it has the desired effect.

I wouldn’t let anyone make my child feel sad or less than. Send it back and tell her to fuck off the nasty cow

I thought I would update. She read my email on Thursday and then blocked me.

Good.

I was reading through the thread thinking how inappropriate it was that you've let this go on so long, and your daughter is more willing to deal with it than you are! You just need to say clearly to your sister that your children need to be treated equally, or not at all. End of discussion.

Well done for finally tackling it by email. Good for you. And I imagine no loss that she's responded by blocking you?

Oh well at least that's resolved!!

You know it's her not you

And now you can enjoy your life guilt free.
And your 2 amazing dc!!