Children not treated the same in terms of cards/gifts etc

[Bemorechicken]

When DC1 was born, they were acknowledged by my sister & presents were sent most christmas and birthdays. Always said Thank you and cards sent etc
When sister had DC1, likewise gifts sent at Christmas and Birthday from us.

When DC2 was born, no presents and gifts or acknowledgment and this has continued.

When DC2 was younger, it was hurtful but said nothing and they didn't know or understand much (big gap).

Relationship with sister is not good and she flies off the handle over any perceived slight.

At Christmas - Present for DC1 arrived but none for DC2. DC1 (now a very polite older child aged 11) phoned Aunt saying " Thanks very much for christmas gift, just checking what I'm supposed to do as nothing for DC2 has arrived or is his in the post etc-don't mean to be rude -and very happy to share my present I feel rude asking and don't want offend you.... " Sister replied swiftly and agressively - "No it's not suitable for DC2 and no there isn't a present coming for him" -DC1 asked "Can I ask why & why you treat us differently please I'm not trying to be rude -or offend you but I'm finding it difficult?" Phone was put down and sister deleted herself off all family groups etc. I sent her a text saying thanks for the gift for DC1 but please either treat them the same now or don't send anything - as she was being foul at that point to my parents and everyone else I didn't see that it would make the situation worse. Then a week later present arrived for DC2. -they both sent a thank you cards and I sent a text saying thank you.

A few phone calls since then but she (sister) won't speak to me. She will speak to DC1 not DC2.

Nothing arrived in April for DC2's birthday. But we sent a present for niece in May. And I pointed out to DC that presents are not sent in response to Aunt but for Niece.

In June DC1's birthday passed with nothing from her. And DC1 was relieved. She didn't mind and doesn't expect presents but was pleased they were both being treated the same. Today - 6 weeks after her birthday a large voucher has arrived for her birthday. Sister goes to a lot of trouble for DC1 personalised cards, lavish gifts etc

My kids are polite and well mannered and do not expect any presents but DC1 is getting in a spin about these cards / presents for her but nothing for her sibling.
These are the options she has come up with:
Option 1 ) Say nothing and use voucher for both of them (feels this would be rude, I agree)
Option 2) Say thank you and nothing more and use voucher for both of them (I think this is a possibility)
Option 3) Confront the issue again as politely as possible -via me or her. (I can see why she is considering this)
Option 4..............

Sister and I always have an uneven path -she was the DC1 and it was very difficult growing up as she didn't want me or my 2 other siblings treated in the same way as her-even though my parents did treat us all the same.
Don't want to involve parents. Mother does know -and isn't happy about sister and what she does - sister can not have more than one child and thinks this is why she does it.Money is not in play here. Sister is very well off.

Dc1 is very sensible and has put it to one side and said we can think about it later and not right now.

We will try and find a way forward. But what would everyone else do?

I'm sorry to hear this, it must be emotionally draining for you. Going non communication might be a blessing in the long run, othereise you may be fighting this for years to come. Your DC1 sounds absolutely lovely you must be very proud.

I've experienced something so similar to this! My DC are a lot younger than yours so I intercept the gifts and sell/return them and use the money to buy them both something. I'm glad you've done something about it, it's a really shitty way to treat both children and could be damaging if left unresolved.

Best to move on and take her blocking as the gift it is.

You can't fix her.

Focus on your lovely family.

I had a similar situation with my partners father. He would send cards for birthdays but ds 2 would get money or present yet Ds1 would not. For context Ds1 is not my partners by blood but he has raised him since aged 2 for 12 years now. His dad did this for years. Christmas he always sent us the money to get ds 2 a present. We split it between the children. I kept making comments about it being unfair to treat them differently but it did not change. In the end I started to send the gifts back with a note attached saying please do not send again if you cannot treat the children the same. Shockingly enough I got an apology and since then they both do get the same. Had he decided not to bother with both it would have been fine by me as I would rather that than rivalry. Some think I was unreasonable but just to prove its not double standards. My brother has 2 daughters with different mums. My youngest niece has a sister aged 8 I have never met. I still make sure I send her something for her birthday and spend the same on her for Christmas as I do my two nieces.

I do think it's due to her pain of not being able to have a second herself, I'm sorry.
BIL has been the same with our children- great with the first one, but when the second arrived behaved very oddly, and decided after 9mo or so he could no longer see us. He even took umbrage at the name we chose and berated DH for not using his choice of name! We haven't really seen them since, and that was 10 years ago now. DH is adamant he will not be bullied by his brother, particularly as that was the dynamic when they lived at home, but our eldest is quite hurt at the situation, because BIL got on like a house on fire with them.
They send Christmas cards, but not birthday cards, not even for DH. No presents (despite us sending presents to their child for 20years plus!).
BIL would have done anything to have a second child, but it wasn't to be.

It's down to personality though, definitely. My brother and my best friend have both struggled for years to have a second, but adore my children, and are very close to them. They can enjoy our children as people in their own right. It doesn't make their pain any less, but there's no hint of jealousy at our situation.

Well it seems for now to have ended well. Parents are supportive. They have literally just said "She's at fault. We back you 100% etc". Will see how in pans out in the long run but if she does the same at christmas -she's going to get it sent back with a grey rock message.

This is controlling, attention seeking behaviour. Ignore it. Don’t respond. No thank you cards or texts, because these are sent out of malice and need for dominance, not love. Share the gift between Your kids and get on with your lives. Just don’t engage with this nonsense anymore.

You can't always alter other peoples behaviour, just how you react to it.
See it as a good learning opportunity for your kids, not everyone is nice or fair but they can develop coping strategies.
I would let your DD take the gift and share it with her younger sib. Praise her loads for being caring. I wouldn't tell your sister this is what she is doing. It is not worth it, she knows what she is doing and doesn't care.
My mom was like this - always gave my older one more than my younger one. They just shared or I made up the difference.

We have a similar issue in our family. My MIL bought gifts and wanted to spend time with dd1 not so much dd2. I have never understood it, but she has deprived herself of a relationship with a lovely little girl who has grown into a kind young woman who is now expecting her first child.

You have done the right thing op because this controlling, attention seeking behaviour will not stop. When dd2 married, she received a card with a scruffy £10 note inside. DD2 did not tell me at the time but later told me she was hurt. It was meant to show her how far down the pecking order she was.

I told her that is how MIL is and didn't she realise that she had pushed me to no contact and now her son in law as well. Her son sees her rarely. She has chosen her path.

But she now has 4 great grandsons and gives money to two but not the others. As I said, cut your losses now with no regrets.

off course your sister is wrong. But I find it really that your 11yo spoke to her in that grown up, formal manner on the phone. Sounds a bit too much like you.
Anyway agree with pp, you cant allow her to treat them differently

Re gift a third of the voucher back to neice. Have DC1 state “ I didn’t think you’d be happy with me sharing it with just DC2 so I thought share it with my cousin too”. Shows she’s majorly into parity and sharing.

She sounds like a nasty person with bitterness from her past. It’s not fair to treat one sibling differently to the other and she must realise how cruel she is being. If it were me id return every gift and card received in future. It may seem rude, but she is being rude herself and I wouldn’t want my 2nd child growing up feeling lower down the chart to the older sibling because she is dictating that and may eventually cause jealousy.

Do you not see you sister at all? If so how does she behave to dc2?

My grandmother used to do this - I was only 2 years older than my sister. We used to visit regularly and she always had a present for me, not my sister. I used to get very confused, and eventually at about age 4 I remember just handing the gift back saying I couldn't keep it as my sister hadn't got anything. She stopped after that. Even at that young age I remember feeling very awkward about it all.

I would just return all gifts. No note, letter, texts etc. She will know why it's been returned.

We were in similar position with BIL& his wife, they gave to our DC1 but not to DC2, our oldest shared her stuff as she wasn’t overly happy about them leaving her sibling out,
So we decided to treat them equally- no card or gift for youngest- no gift at Christmas they were pissed but once they were told why they changed and bought both it’s not about the gifts it’s the principle behind it,
this year nothing was done for our oldest as their birthday was during lockdown so won’t be bothering with their child’s birthday this year and will happily tell them why
I understand you don’t want to fall out with your sister, is it a jealousy thing (like in our case as our dc2 is the baby of the family) or are they usually argumentative and looking to cause trouble?
You have to talk to your sister and try get to the bottom of it, as things won’t change unless you discuss it, if she won’t listen on the phone put it in writing? allow your daughter to decide what to do with gifts and if she wants to bring it up with her aunt, let her just remind her not to be rude and hope your sister gets over it too!

YANBU, she is being massively unreasonable.
I would return them and tell her why. Have YOU spoken to her, or just DC1?
Poor DC2.

This sounds like an awful situation. I think both you and your dc1 sound awesome. There is some low level criticism of you on here from people who, I think, do not understand highly controlling (potential personality disordered?) siblings. The solution looks simple but narcissists can obfusvate any situation until you don't know which way is up any more. I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Accept nothing for anyone unless there is equity. Also predict what your sisters next move will be in her bid to control others so it's less of a surprise when she does it. Well done OP.