OH’s needy parents

[Pashad]

Need to know what he is doing everyday. Hear phone going off several times a day everyday . Texts and calls . Needy parents wanting to know what he is doing everyday , even mundane shit like having a run or going shopping .

They needed to know what I was doing to but I don’t allow that shit anymore .

AIBU to think this is weird ?

Sometimes his phone is ringing and it’s them and I know he’s ignoring it .

My parents don’t know what I’m doing Most days .Maybe I’m the weird one

Sounds like he hasn't got a backbone to be honest. If he's so bothered by it he'd say to his parents that he'll speak to them when he has news or for a chat but the constant calls are tiresome.

Lol

I’d find this ridiculously intrusive. If he’s telling them what you’re doing, god help you if you ever get pregnant or have an embarrassing medical issue! I couldn’t cope with that level of calls, I’d find it intrusive and suffocating. Can he not tell them he’ll contact them or is he happy with their constant calls?

He ignores and then answers . They want to know too much but he doesn’t tell them about me , because I asked him not to.

I felt bad but I’m now glad I’ve done that as it seems the right thing to do .

Mil is dry mercy and call constantly. Dh ignites the phone and it goes again She babbles a lot of nonsense and then asks what he had for dinner then tells him what she had (we don't actually give a shit What she has).

Only child?

What shall I do it’s really irritating

Ah we have this too. It got worse after MIL died, now FIL is on his own and gets lonely. Calls several times a day. Occasionally called my mobile when i was work (told him that I couldn't answer unless it was an emergency).

It does drive us all mad, but on the other hand we know he's lonely so we just put up with it (rightly or wrongly).

Anyone have any advice ? They r so interfering with opinions on where I am and what I’m doing too

It sounds as though they're lonely. How old and vulnerable are they, and how often does he see them?

Not much this year due to lockdown , they r in their early sixties and very healthy . His dad is always pretty rude to me we barely speak anymore . They believe my children are their family and not Mine . Visiting them is excruciating but I get through it . There were happier days when I used to visit them every fortnight ! But things quickly turned when I didn’t have the time to do that anymore .

Is it a cultural thing? Are you or rather are they from a non Western background?

I'd be more pissed off with your partner, honestly. He needs to cut the cord, grow a backbone, and stop allowing this insanity. What does he have to say to his dad for being so rude to you?

My DH doesn't mind pandering to his needy mother. It does drive me bonkers, I speak to mine maybe once a month. He manages to speak to her enroute to work/when he is walking the dog etc. so I don't need to be aware of it and he feels pleased to be supportive of her.
It doesn't do me any harm so I keep out of it.

If he's ignoring some of the their calls, I assume he's sometimes tired of it, too? I'd try to talk to him about it and see if he'd like to cut back contact a bit. (And depending on how rude your FIL is to you, maybe discuss that, too.) If he doesn't mind their level of contact, you could ask him to try to limit it more to times that won't intrude on your life together, as in the example from Peakypolly. He can find ways to remain smothered close to them and still be respectful of your wishes for a bit more peace.

If he would also like a break from their neediness, but doesn't want to make a big statement about needing more privacy or space, the best approach might be to simply stop responding so often. I'd try to gently, slowly wean them off the constant feed of information, and move from more involved modes of communication to less intrusive ones. (Replace at least some conversations on the phone with texts.)

Since they're not feeble or isolated, they'll find ways to cope. They might not like it that the frequency of contact is changing, but they can adapt.

I'd have a talk to DH. He needs to make a "date" with his parents for a call once a week or whatever suits him.

I'm older than his parents - it certainly isn't normal to call your adult kids every day. I talk to mine about once a week , definitely don't ask them every little thing. And I'm sure that most older people are the same. Your DH's parents need to get some hobbies .

I have a mother similar.

I've just managed to stop her wondering into the house whenever she feels the need without messaging first. I grit my teeth to start with but since lockdown eased between her and my in laws I felt under constant intrusion as every day at least one of them would turn up and no calls first and at inappropriate times,like the evening when I've just got in from a late shift and on a Sunday morning before 10 am when nobody's up

That and the constant calls that if I didn't answer would continue or she tries someone else's phone in the house etc.

Told them all it's enough now and put our foot down but we both feel the same where as your dh panders to it.

Op you have a dh problem

That is nuts. I'm in my late sixties with an only "child" but I have better things to be doing than pestering her all the time.

But my friend's sister facetimes her son on the other side of the world for hours every day and micromanages his life. I'm so glad this technology wasn't around when I was young.

OP I had the same thing. I just had to tell them straight till they got it. I'M BUSY. Didn't answer their calls. Calls dropped from 20 times a day to 1. But it took a while for them to get it. Now its every two weeks or so. Sometimes I go a whole month without calling.

Teach them to go on mumsnet/ daily newspaper/ local fb groups.
Surely that would be enough to occupy them, let them feel included.

Why does it bother you so much?

No I don’t think it’s a cultural thing . They are white . I’m not white and my parents never know what I’m doing all day .

The reason why it bothers me is because they want to know what we are doing every day , whether we are working or not etc .

They then have opinions on whether or not I should visit or stay my own parents ( eg if I’ve been ill and need help with the kids )

Not THEY would wipe the kids bums because they say they wouldn’t . My OH has actively sought to HIDE that I have stayed with my parents ( which may happen once every couple of years and only if I needed some help for a few days ).

MIL has even resorted to texting my mum to confirm where I and the children are .

I’ve overheard them telling OH where I should and shouldn’t be staying .

I find it controlling that’s why I’d rather they didn’t intrude and give their opinions .

Your partner needs to tell them to butt out. He’s enabling them and they won’t stop till he does. Repeatedly.