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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday without DSS

78 replies

Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:22

We had planned to go on holiday for two weeks at the end of August/beginning of September as the kids were due back on the Monday. Now my DSS school has informed us they are to return on the Thursday so he will miss 2 days of school. He is 15.

His mum will absolutely not agree to missing two days of school - I personally think its a drop in the ocean when he has missed 4 months! My problem is DH will not go for less than 2 weeks as this may be our last holiday for two years for various reasons. We cannot go any earlier in the month.

AIBU to say we should go for 10 days then DSS can come with us? Or is DH right as he feels DSS mum is just putting another obstacle in our way (there is a long history)

For context I have DS 14 and DD7, me and DH have been together 10 years and I feel if we go without him he will feel pushed out which is something we have tried really hard not to happen as it so often does with blended families.

YANBU - go for ten days take DSS with you
YABU - go without DSS and fir 14 days as planned

OP posts:
Yetiyoga · 21/07/2020 11:25

If his mum really won't let him take 2 days off then yes, go for 10 days. Why is your husband being an a.hole to his son?

TeenPlusTwenties · 21/07/2020 11:26

If your DSS is 15 presumably he is going into y11?

Personally I'd go for 10 days and not miss the start of y11.

Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:27

He's not being an a.hole he thinks if we change it to 10 days there will be another reason why DSS cannot come and then we will have cut the holiday short and still have to go without DSS

OP posts:
Somethingorotherorother · 21/07/2020 11:29

If DSS is 15 can't he be sent home in time for school by himself? I was travelling overseas solo much younger than that.

katie43210 · 21/07/2020 11:30

Will your SS still have a holiday? If you think it's an excuse and his mother will come up with another anyway I'd book it, but only is SS would still get a holiday.

Yetiyoga · 21/07/2020 11:36

Okay. To be fair you didn't say in your original post that if you did cut it short that she would still possibly not let him go. I was responding on the information you gave, which was basically that your DH would rather extend the holiday by 4 days and not have his son join.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 21/07/2020 11:37

He's parent as well and has as much right as the boy's mum to decide on holidays.

All of you go for 14 days.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/07/2020 11:37

Has she stopped holidays before? Why do you think she will say no.

Your DH not compromising so his child doesn’t miss out is worrying.

Maybe they could talk together as adults and come up with a solution. Maybe she’s worried about missing school, maybe she’s worried about the pandemic and doesn’t feel a holiday is appropriate etc.

Yetiyoga · 21/07/2020 11:38

Personally, if I knew I wasn't going to be having a holiday for roughly 2 years, I'd be making it work so that my son could come. Especially as he is 15 so in 2 years time, much closer to being an adult.

namesnames · 21/07/2020 11:41

Tell his Mum you've changed the holiday to 10 days, see what she says to that before you actually make any changes.

If she still says he can't go, explain to DSS what you did to try to ease his Mums concerns. Missing one holiday, with the knowledge you and his father tried your best to get him on it, isn't the end of the world.

Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:44

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
There have been attempts to stop before yes, I thought those days were long gone but DH is more cynical then me.

OP posts:
yelyah22 · 21/07/2020 11:45

YWBU not to make it work for your stepson. Even if it means flying him home a couple of days earlier and his mum can meet him at the airport.

yelyah22 · 21/07/2020 11:45

Missing one holiday, with the knowledge you and his father tried your best to get him on it, isn't the end of the world.

namesnames At 15 it might well feel like it though.

Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:47

@namesnames
Thank you, I think we'll do that. At least that way we will know if she will agree before we make any changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:50

@yelyah22

YWBU not to make it work for your stepson. Even if it means flying him home a couple of days earlier and his mum can meet him at the airport.
There is no way she would meet him at the airport or fly home by himself either.
OP posts:
Commentutappelles · 21/07/2020 11:52

While 2 days IS a bit of a drop in the ocean, it is also the first 2 days of y11 after a 5 month break. I'd go for the 10 days.

OutOfHours · 21/07/2020 12:03

If the term dates have been changed, advise the school it was already booked and you can not change it

OutOfHours · 21/07/2020 12:04

Or leave 2 days earlier?

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 21/07/2020 12:07

Hate to break it to you but MOST SCHOOLS go back on 2nd / 3rd Sept this year....

Plus not a chance I would allow a y10 or y11 to miss even a couple of days.

Where are you going? Can he not travel back early on his own?

WantToBeMum · 21/07/2020 12:11

I wouldn't want him to miss any school days, especially at the start of the new term, I think his mum is right about that.
Could you go away with him for a week/10 days and then a second week/long weekend without him straight after or at a later date?

Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 12:11

@Bakeachocolatecaketoday

Hate to break it to you but MOST SCHOOLS go back on 2nd / 3rd Sept this year....

Plus not a chance I would allow a y10 or y11 to miss even a couple of days.

Where are you going? Can he not travel back early on his own?

My son and daughter go back on the 7th as they are doing staggered return for different year groups. This was also going to be the case for DSS but the school updated the schedule last week and year 11 are now due back on the 3rd.
OP posts:
Brieminewine · 21/07/2020 12:12

She sounds a nightmare, I would do as PP said, tell them it’s changed and then if she refuses again it’s on her. At 15 he is old enough to know that he’s not going on holiday with you because his mum has refused.

Etinox · 21/07/2020 12:15

Travel back early alone is perfect

Rwoolley · 21/07/2020 12:25

Why not just send him back a a couple of days early?

I had to do the same when 15, came back 3 days early from family trip in Turkey as my exams were moved up.

wibdib · 21/07/2020 12:31

Have you/dh spoken to the school and checked that it’s not inset days on the Thursday/Friday? Most of the schools around here have Thursday as the official council-designated start of term but I haven’t seen any of them start on the day - most are starting back the next week. Traditionally they would get y7 and y12 in for a day before everyone else. This year lots of them seem to have assorted more staggered starts over the first full week.

My dn live in a different county who start back a week earlier than most of the Uk and the same happens for them but a week earlier.

Definitely worth talking to the school now (they might be in school for inset days still if you can talk to them today) if you already had holiday booked and the ex is being a manipulative arse trying to stop dss from going - if the schoolare ok with it (and should be if they are the ones that chAnged dates), then I would go with it.

I would also state it all in front of ex and dss in a kind way and if ex refuses to let him go, ask ex to explicitly explain to both you (dh!) and dss why she is stopping something that the school is ok with, (if they are!).