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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday without DSS

78 replies

Thestreets · 21/07/2020 11:22

We had planned to go on holiday for two weeks at the end of August/beginning of September as the kids were due back on the Monday. Now my DSS school has informed us they are to return on the Thursday so he will miss 2 days of school. He is 15.

His mum will absolutely not agree to missing two days of school - I personally think its a drop in the ocean when he has missed 4 months! My problem is DH will not go for less than 2 weeks as this may be our last holiday for two years for various reasons. We cannot go any earlier in the month.

AIBU to say we should go for 10 days then DSS can come with us? Or is DH right as he feels DSS mum is just putting another obstacle in our way (there is a long history)

For context I have DS 14 and DD7, me and DH have been together 10 years and I feel if we go without him he will feel pushed out which is something we have tried really hard not to happen as it so often does with blended families.

YANBU - go for ten days take DSS with you
YABU - go without DSS and fir 14 days as planned

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 21/07/2020 13:30

@Yetiyoga

Why is your husband being an a.hole to his son?

Even with the information given in the OP, this was a ridiculous comment to make

FourPerDozen · 21/07/2020 13:37

I think if it was just him then that would be option, but to go home knowing his brother and sister get to stay on with me and his dad doesn't sit right with me

Can he not go back two days earlier with your DH, and you stay the extra two days with the other DC?

CircleofWillis · 21/07/2020 13:40

@Thestreets

I dont like the idea of him going home earlier as it still feels like we all get to stay and have fun and he has to leave early! I'll speak to DH tonight, i think the only option is 10 days
I think your DSS going home early is the best option here. Why not speak to DSS about it? If he seems upset at the idea of the rest of you staying on you then have the option of you all leaving after 10 days.

He definitely shouldn't miss the first two days of school.

PatchworkElmer · 21/07/2020 13:40

I’d go for 10 days personally.

Yetiyoga · 21/07/2020 13:41

@Cheeseandwin5 I guess we have differing opinions then. I think a dad who would prioritise a 14 day holiday without his son over a 10 day holiday with his son who has to start back school, is a bit of an arsehole actually. Of course, you don't have to agree.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/07/2020 13:45

I think if it was just him then that would be option, but to go home knowing his brother and sister get to stay on with me and his dad doesn't sit right with me
Not forcibly, he might be happy to be there for 12 days but be keen to be at school in the first day. My ds would have.

cornish009 · 21/07/2020 13:47

Secondly I'm not going to get into a discussion about whether people think its safe or not, we all have differing opinions on that and me and DH have worked flat out since March and we have made the decision as a family we are taking a holiday abroad this year.

Is it possible his mum has differing opinions? You and your DH are entitled to make whatever decision you feel comfortable with about going abroad, but maybe she feels differently. Is there perhaps a vulnerable person in her extended family that she is trying to protect, or just simply feels it is not yet safe enough to risk her son travelling abroad by air? I guess all of us have different opinions at the moment and vary in the amount of risk we are prepared to take.

Northernlights855 · 21/07/2020 13:50

@Yetiyoga from the post and discussion it doesn’t sound at all like OPs DH is prioritising a 14 day holiday at all. It sounds like he would be happy with 10 days if he could be certain it would go ahead.

If he’s like my DH (and me) he’s prob been worn down over the years to make plans, replan, look forward to them then have arrangements for things that are supposed to be enjoyable lay in tatters because Ex has been obstructive.

Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 13:50

I do get that @cornish009 but I really don't think that is the reason. By far the best plan is to go for 10 days. Thanks for all the opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thestreets · 21/07/2020 13:52

@Northernlights855 thats exactly it. I'm not even responding to any posters who see fit to call DH a twat/arsehole. Some people just like a row 🙄

OP posts:
Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 21/07/2020 13:59

Read the updates etc but I still think everything possible should be done to make sure dss can come. I’d go for the 10 days.

It sounds like the mum making all kinds of difficulties was a while ago and no reason to think from her (probably reasonable) objection to him missing school that she’d find another excuse.

AlternativePerspective · 21/07/2020 14:04

Secondly I'm not going to get into a discussion about whether people think its safe or not, we all have differing opinions on that and me and DH have worked flat out since March and we have made the decision as a family we are taking a holiday abroad this year. But maybe his mum has differing opinions. Or maybe even he does.

If e.g. my ex wanted to travel with his family to Disney world in Florida when DS was fifteen I would absolutely say no. So while your own view on where you go is yours, at the moment you do need to consider the view of others who also have a say.

Jux · 21/07/2020 14:09

Agree with NorthernLights. Do as suggested upthread, tell his ex it's been changed to 10 days and see what happens.

What are the chances of her agreeing to the 10 day holiday and then pulling some sort of stunt much closer to the time, though?

CallarMorvern · 21/07/2020 14:14

Just re. the comments about minors travelling unaccompanied. Where we live no airline (mainly British companies) /ferry company will allow an under 16 to travel unaccompanied, they also no longer provide chaperones. This is a fairly recent change (but pre-covid), as my teen had wanted to travel to her grandparents alone. It might be different rules in other countries, but I would check, there's always been an assumption on Mumsnet that you can just stick a child on a plane.

katy1213 · 21/07/2020 14:20

No, don't cut your holiday short. Let him know he's invited and make it clear that if he's not going, that's down to his mum.

Enough4me · 21/07/2020 14:22

I have a 14 year old and cannot imagine in a year's time that she would be happy to fly by herself. My 10 year old is more confident and would probably love it even now, gaming and sweets for hours. Children are different and if it would not feel right for your 15 year old stick with the 10 days as it is the fairest compromise.

rookiemere · 21/07/2020 14:23

@katy1213 if he doesn't go, it's not down to his DM- it's down to his term dates.

Frazzled2207 · 21/07/2020 14:23

if the mother won't pick him up at the airport is there a grandparent/family friend that could pick him up and potentially look after him if the mother sticks to her unreasonable guns?

If there really isn't then the best option is for you all to fly home the day before he starts school. That said if school originally suggested (in writing) that they were starting on the 7th I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to skip those first couple of days. to keep the peace though, everyone flying home at the same time is probably best and I don't see how the mother could complain about that.

Hersetta427 · 21/07/2020 14:30

Is there a large cost to charge the holiday to 10 days?

Northernlights855 · 21/07/2020 14:31

@AlternativePerspective possibly a difference of view. If you wanted to take 15 yo DS to Florida and your ex said he wasn’t happy with it - would you still go?

Whatever the living arrangements are - the ex should have as much say. He also played 50% part in making the child. He would be the parent responsible on the holiday - if anything happened anyone reasonable could see responsibility would be on him.

Anyhow this seems to be getting too far from helping OPs situation.

Frazzled2207 · 21/07/2020 14:37

@CallarMorvern

BA and Easyjet allow it from 14 years old. Ryanair you need to be 16.I do agree that it is more strict that it used to be. I flew alone from when I was about 12; my parents didn't need to register me as an unaccompanied minor or anything, just sent me on my way!

Coyoacan · 21/07/2020 14:43

I dont like the idea of him going home earlier as it still feels like we all get to stay and have fun and he has to leave early! I'll speak to DH tonight, i think the only option is 10 days

That is nice, OP, but the alternative his father seems to be opting if for him to miss out on the entire holiday.

You say your dh isn't prat and you know him, we don't, but what do you think his step-son will think of him?

BurtsBeesKnees · 21/07/2020 15:45

I'd tell the mum that you've changed your plans to 10 days (but don't) if she won't let you take dss out of school. If she puts further blockers in the way leave it to two
Weeks, if not change it to 10 days and your dss comes with you.

lyralalala · 21/07/2020 15:56

I'd go for 10 days. That way he can come for the whole holiday and if his Mum puts a spanner in the works he knows that his Dad tried his best

CallarMorvern · 21/07/2020 16:21

@Frazzled2207

Easyjet doesn't under 16, as it was actually EasyJet we wanted to use.
www.easyjet.com/en/help/boarding-and-flying/flying-with-children

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