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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my teenager clothes for birthday gifts?

69 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 00:52

Long story short, I'm going through a very hard time with my son whom I share 50/50 (court enforced) with his dad. I believe his father is trying to alienate me at every opprtunity.

My son turns 13 soon and for birthday/Christmas gifts in the past we have bought him a few items of "special" clothing from the brands he likes. Obviously these are not cheap by any stretch but he wears them loads.

My fiancé and I both work ft (well I do normally but currently on mat leave) but on relatively low wages as in education/social care. My ex earns well in excess of £100k pa. As it's 50/50 I receive no maintenance or anything like that so we are entirely self-sufficient. Having said all of that, my boys never go without and we save hard for hem to have additional things like private music lessons etc.

My son says that it is wrong for him to be given clothes as presents because he should "just have all of that stuff anyway" because he's growing so will of course need new clothes and they should not be given as gifts.

AIBU to think my son/his dad are being bang out of order?

OP posts:
Suchan1d10t · 21/07/2020 00:54

Generic/basic clothes - not for presents
Designer brands - if he doesn't want them as presents he can do without Wink

Chocoholic12 · 21/07/2020 01:01

I voted YANBU even though I have just spent £400 on branded clothing for my son just because he has grown and needed bits. I know hes spoilt though and it shouldn't be expected.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 01:02

@Suchan1d10t Yes, all of his "regular" clothes I just buy for him day-to-day. The gifts are the more expensive things (although obviously we still have to keep within our means).
Dad in the meantime will spend around £1000 on the latest smartphone etc...
It just makes me feel inadequate and that anything I give him is not good enough Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 01:04

@Chocoholic12 Lucky lad! We just wouldn't have that sort of money within our budget. Rent alone is a huge amount of our earnings. We do our best.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/07/2020 01:09

Yanbu.

Why don't you explain your finances to your son and say instead that you would rather buy him one special item from you and let his dad splash the cash. His dad can buy him the designer clothes then. Do you buy all his clothes?

At 13 he should understand. I think my 9 year old would. (He always asks santa for the expensive presents as his birthday is near Christmas and he knows it's an expensive time)

As a reassurance my parents are divorced and dad is wealthier than mum. I understood this and it's never altered my relationship or feelings towards either parent. Your son is wrong about the designer clothes but that's teenagers for you. He doesn't mean.it and probably has no concept.of the idea that his comments will hurt or concern you. He just wants the designer clothes, that's as far as his thinking has gone.

Chocoholic12 · 21/07/2020 01:14

Totally understand. It's only because I've managed to save through lockdown as working throughout and not been anywhere. Also his dad left when he was 3 (13 now) and we haven't seen him since so I try to over compensate hes just under 6ft so I'm hoping the mens size clothing I brought will fit him forever 🙈 I'm sure your son will love whatever you get him and will have a lovely birthday

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 01:18

@Feelingconfused2020 It's week on-week off between my ex and I so they have their own sets of clothes at both houses. However, if son wears something nice to dad's it doesn't always come back?

My son does know the difference between our earnings because tbf it's pretty obvious - Dad in huge house with four sports cars on drive and we are in three-bed rented.

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more - his dad's gf doesn't even need to work because "Dad is super smart and works so hard."

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 21/07/2020 01:26

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more - his dad's gf doesn't even need to work because "Dad is super smart and works so hard."

I think you maybe need to sit him down and talk to him about his attitude and about how money works. Also about the fact that what you earn is not a reflection of your worth. These are important life lessons for him.and frankly by 13 he ought to know that.

If your son really thinks these things then he has a long way in to go.in a short time.

I know I'm sounding harsh but honestly saying what he said to you.is really not good. You are his mother!

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 01:36

@Feelingconfused2020 Yes I totally agree with you. The problem arises because ex does believe that what you earn does correlate to your worth (unless you are a woman - they must stay at home and complete household chores while being kept by the man!)

My ex is ASTOUNDED I chose my fiancé because he works as an (his words) "arse-wiper" in social care so why on earth would I want a man like that?!!

BTW I dId want a man like that and still do - we have a beautiful eight week-old daughter together (his first - and last!!)

OP posts:
JRUIN · 21/07/2020 05:16

Yes it's your job your clothe your child until he reaches adulthood BUT only in basic and practical clothing that serves the purpose of keeping him warm/cool and covered. If the clothes you buy him aren't special/expensive enough for him then he gets a part time job and buys his own or happily accepts them for Christmas and birthdays.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/07/2020 05:25

If he doesn't want clothes as a present it's pretty shitty to get him clothes as a present. But he shouldn't expect to get those types of clothes as standard buys. At 13 he's old enough to understand that type of budgeting (even though it's not what he wants to hear) and make a choice.

FortunesFave · 21/07/2020 05:39

My teen has chosen to have special clothes for years now. She's 16...since she was about 13 clothes has been her top choice for her gifts.

I now give her the money and she goes shopping herself in person as she prefers that.

Nothing wrong with it! I'm not buying her ANOTHER jacket when she has a good one already....but if she wants one that's extra cool...so be it.

Saracen · 21/07/2020 05:44

If it were just your son's dad saying this, I would say YANBU. But your son says it too.

I think you should let your son choose (roughly) what type of present he is given. Since he doesn't value designer clothes enough to have them as gifts, don't buy him designer clothes, only normal clothes. Get him the kind of gift he will enjoy more.

ChaoticCatling · 21/07/2020 05:45

Buy him basic clothing and then give him money for birthdays and Christmas.

Saracen · 21/07/2020 05:51

Your son also seems to be less interested in designer clothes than he might be. You say that when he takes something nice to his dad's house, it often doesn't come home. Surely at 13 he does his own packing. If he leaves your house wearing his favourite beloved jacket, he would bring it back with him so he can wear it at your house.

So it seems to be a waste of money for you to buy him designer clothes when he doesn't value them and there are other things he would prefer you to spend money on.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 08:12

He does like them but his argument is that clothes are not gifts because I should just buy him all of the nice stuff anyway e.g. not as a present. I can't give him money as he and his dad would pull that to pieces and would say it isn't enough! Especially because Dad usually spends about £1000 per birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 21/07/2020 08:13

@Saracen His dad holds onto it.

OP posts:
Scout2016 · 21/07/2020 08:53

What does he want as a present instead? If he doesn't want clothes is there a compromise? I might have spent birthday money on clothes at that age but would have wanted to choose them myself.
He does sound like he has a but if an attitude problem about your income which as you already know is an issue but unless he wants something unreasonable I'd let him pick his birthday present.
I've got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about this sort of thing though because every birthday, Christmas etc I ask people what they want and that's what they get but people rarely do it in return. Despite all saying I'm hard to buy for.

Is he feeling put out about new baby?

IamMaz · 21/07/2020 09:38

I used to hate being given clothes for a gift when I was young.

listsandbudgets · 21/07/2020 09:48

Clothes are fine as birthday presents especially if they are the brand labels they all seem to want. Of you were saying g a couple of primark t shirts and a pair of socks it would be different.

I.gave DD a super dry coat last year. I told her she could either have a basic one or have a more expensive one for her birthday.

TimeWastingButFun · 21/07/2020 10:03

My oldest is 12 and occasionally says he'd like this particular designer t shirt or that hoodie. So we buy all his clothes, usually in H&M, Gap or Top Man, but if he then says he'd like a particular designer t shirt we ask him to put pocket money toward some of it or it would be a gift if BD/Christmas coming up.

TimeWastingButFun · 21/07/2020 10:07

Ps rather than get his Dad to buy all the treat designer stuff if would be better if he contributed to some of the mundane stuff like utilities and food, so that you both get the chance to give him more obvious presents rather than him be the one that always does the treats - that's not fair on you.

TeenPlusTwenties · 21/07/2020 10:10

Clothes are fine as an upgrade to what you would normally buy.

DollyDoneMore · 21/07/2020 10:15

It’s perfectly OK to give expensive clothes as a present and your son needs to understand that. You are, of course, perfectly free to not buy him any expensive clothes at all.

JamesArthursEyelashes · 21/07/2020 10:15

I do think that a part of having teens is providing them with fashionable clothes. They do get put under a lot of pressure to fit in with friends and I think parents need to be mindful of this. It’s very hard to be the kid who is wearing a Primark tracksuit instead of an Adidas or Nike one.

We tend to buy our kids a certain amount of clothes of their choice and then if they want extra now they’re older we get it them for their birthdays. Of course you can only spend what you have though.

His dad sounds like a total arse. If he loves his son then he would let him have the clothes he buys all the time and not insist they are kept at his house. It’s cruel. Your ex husbands need for you to not gain from him is making his son suffer. It’s really shitty behaviour and not putting his sons needs first.

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more - his dad's gf doesn't even need to work because "Dad is super smart and works so hard."

I wouldn’t stand for this at all. He’s probably picking up a lot of his attitude problem from his dad by the sounds of it. All you can do is explain that people are different and life isn’t always easy. Also success and happiness shouldn’t be judged on what you earn and many people on lower wages work just as hard as people who earn more. Remember he is only 13 though and doesn’t have the maturity to see the bigger picture and that’s not his fault. His dad is being a very bad influence on his views about things at the moment. Just keep being fair and hopefully your son will mature and see things for how they really are.