To give my teenager clothes for birthday gifts?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Long story short, I'm going through a very hard time with my son whom I share 50/50 (court enforced) with his dad. I believe his father is trying to alienate me at every opprtunity.

My son turns 13 soon and for birthday/Christmas gifts in the past we have bought him a few items of "special" clothing from the brands he likes. Obviously these are not cheap by any stretch but he wears them loads.

My fiancé and I both work ft (well I do normally but currently on mat leave) but on relatively low wages as in education/social care. My ex earns well in excess of £100k pa. As it's 50/50 I receive no maintenance or anything like that so we are entirely self-sufficient. Having said all of that, my boys never go without and we save hard for hem to have additional things like private music lessons etc.

My son says that it is wrong for him to be given clothes as presents because he should "just have all of that stuff anyway" because he's growing so will of course need new clothes and they should not be given as gifts.

AIBU to think my son/his dad are being bang out of order?

Clearly your ex is poisoning your son against you. Set a birthday budget of what you can afford and leave it at that. Repeat ad nauseum to DS that you are sorry he thinks that way but this is your present budget and that's the end of it. You can make a nice fuss of him with a cake etc on his birthday. Him going on about designer clothes is not going to change your income. So you need to think of ways to change his attitude otherwise he is going to chase the money and want to love with his father full time in the not too distant future. You will then be worse off as you will need to pay maintenance.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Sadly seen it many times before with Disney parenting.

Yanbu. Sadly, though, the selfish, self-entitled attitude instilled into him by his dad will probably mean he looks down on you and resents you. My nephew is like this - his mum (my ex-SIL) bled my brother dry then left him for a wealthier man, and has raised my nephew to believe that love and value is measured in cold hard cash. My brother (who has 50/50 parental share) valiantly tries to show him that there are more important things than money, but for teens it falls on deaf ears. My nephew brags about how he only stays in 5* hotels and anything else is just unbearable, and he just expects to be given the best of everything. Whenever my brother tries to buy him something, ex-SIL trumps it with something more expensive, to "prove" she loves him more.

I just live in hope that one day, my nephew will see through this materialistic bulls**t and grow up a bit. But I expect the damage is done. It's a real shame.

All I can suggest is holding firm to your values. If your son doesn't want clothes as a gift, then don't get them. Buy him something from the other end of the spectrum - a book that you loved as a teenager, with an inscription you've written in the front. He may not appreciate it now, but maybe one day he will look back and realise you have something else to offer than just a credit card.

I think I remember your other threads. They stuck in my mind because your ex was so shockingly manipulate and abusive. Just keep talking to your son. Try not to compare what ex does with your own much healthier approach to parenting. Come down hard on ds parroting disrespectful nonsense from his dad.

This is so frustrating for you. Your exh sounds like an absolute prat and his bigoted opinions are rubbing off on your son now. He's probably heard the derogatory comments about your partner (he's an arsel wiper etc) from his dad.

All I can say is that your son will eventually see his dad's true colours as he matures. For now all you can do is counteract his awful opinions on money, status and people's worth when he's with you.

I have teenage sons and I tell them their birthday budget (I don't have much disposable income). They write a list within that budget. It's often clothes, an Xbox game, earphones, trainers.. That sort of thing.

Forget trying to compete with your ex over presents. That's not what's important.

Clothes are brilliant gifts for that age group.

As an aside, ASOS online are great for brand name clothes at good prices (free delivery and returns).

There is a danger that your son will tip over into spoilt brat territory if you let him get away with his demands and hurtful comments. That said, 13 is a difficult age. He may be playing up a bit because he feels a bit pushed out and threatened by the baby you have with your new partner?

Your son needs a good talking to and it needs doing now otherwise it will just get worse, he sounds spoiled and entitled because of your ex's behaviour towards him. Hopefully he'll grow up and realise that that love isn't buying expensive crap

If he doesn't want clothes, ask him what he does want. I do agree that, in general, clothes should be provided by the parent, but not designer items. They can be for presents.

Buy him something from the other end of the spectrum - a book that you loved as a teenager, with an inscription you've written in the front.

I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. No 13 year old is going to want that.

It doesn't matter what he thinks you should do. He either gets the designer clobber as a birthday gift or not at all. If he doesn't want clothes for his birthday what does he want?

@TimeWastingButFun Not a hope! It's my "fault" we don't have a huge income because ateotd I left him and chose a "poor man" so have to bear the consequences!! Things are better than when I first left him though - he wouldn't give me one toy or item of clothing for the kids back then

Son won't have anything to do with the new baby as Dad has reiterated that 1) The age gap is far too huge and "ridiculous" and 2) It's a HALF sibling so ignore it (not her or she, "it".)

This was said via telephone the other day - ex was on loudspeaker to son.

I honestly don't know what to buy the lad as I know it will be pulled apart!!

@UnfinishedSymphon Totally agree that "love isn't about buying expensive crap". I tried to show that to him when I left his wealthy dad and bore the consequences but as yet it hasn't worked.

Son won't have anything to do with the new baby as Dad has reiterated that 1) The age gap is far too huge and "ridiculous" and 2) It's a HALF sibling so ignore it (not her or she, "it".)

That’s really awful. His dad is really hurting your son. I know it may come across that your son is acting spoilt but I imagine if you had a really honest conversation with him that he must be really struggling. His dad is being childish at best but I think he’s subjecting his child to emotional abuse. Kids really need parents to set a good example and he is really not, he’s being really manipulative. I really don’t know how you deal with it except to keep talking to your son, try not to see his comments as a reflection of him and just remain fair. What an absolute cunt his father is.

Generic day-to-day clothes - should be purchased as and when needed.
"Designer" clothes - for birthdays/christmas/kids buy themselves.

My children are currently too young to care about things like that. But when the time comes, I'll be like "I'll absolutely buy you something you "need". But if it's something you "want", you'll have to wait, or get it yourself."

What an absolute cunt his father is agreed. He's now abusing you by manipulating his own son. Your son probably doesn't know what to think, or who to side with.

All I can suggest is to be consistent, make sure your son feels loved and listened to when he's with you and don't get drawn into criticising his dad. The fuss/demands over presents needs to be ignored. This is your budget, what would you like? A 13 year-old can easily choose something online.

Very difficult for you.

It might be an idea to allocate a small amount of money each week to your son as pocket money? That would teach him an important lesson in budgeting, the value of money and saving up himself for luxury items he might want at other times of the year.

Clearly his dad isn't going to teach him those life skills.

I wouldn’t buy clothes as a gift unless expressly asked for. I see clothes as an essential so something children need.

Teens are old enough to express what they would like for birthdays and Christmas so just let him choose.

In terms of not knowing what to buy has he actually asked for anything? He really is old enough to understand the reality but he is being torn and damaged by his awful father. I would honestly advise seeking professional help with all of this. Having two sets of clothes and two entirely different lives sounds exhausting. Being instructed to ignore a sibling is abusive.

I do hope you can slowly improve things.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Feelingconfused2020 It's week on-week off between my ex and I so they have their own sets of clothes at both houses. However, if son wears something nice to dad's it doesn't always come back?

My son does know the difference between our earnings because tbf it's pretty obvious - Dad in huge house with four sports cars on drive and we are in three-bed rented.

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more - his dad's gf doesn't even need to work because "Dad is super smart and works so hard."[/quote]
YANBU.

We have this issue with my DSD's. Any clothes they wear home to their DM's - never ever comes back and it's so frustrating, especially considering I ensure everything they wear to ours is sent back.
We've taken to mentally remembering what was worn and continuing to ask for it back.

With regards to clothes as gifts, we always do this. Clothes on birthdays, toys and tech at Xmas. Like many, the cheaper items they need to get buy I'll purchase throughout the year but now they're older and want £100 tracksuits and £120 trainers - they get those as presents. I think you need to explain that he's lucky to have a dad who can afford those things throughout the year, but you just can't. He should understand this.
Also, his DF shouldn't be "outing" you and saying those things aren't presents, he should know you aren't in the same financial position and support you in terms of setting expectations for DS.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss But I'm referring to the more expensive branded stuff here, not just everyday clothes. We can't afford to buy these sorts of clothes for every day wear.

@MatildaTheCat Totally agree, it breaks my heart. I wish more than anything I could have one of those family photos with all three of my kids in. But he simply won't even acknowledge her.
I don't have any baby photos of my two boys either as ex won't let me have any since I left him.
I've asked so many times for help for him but told it doesn't "meet the threshold" as he's safe. Yes, physically may be.
I've got court this week as ex applying for me to have boys just EOW now. If he gets it I know I am unlikely to see my eldest again as he dislikes me because of baby etc.
Fiancé also in hospital for next three weeks for emergency spinal surgery so pretty difficult for me right now but I don't want to sound like a Moaning Minnie. I'm lucky I have my daughter I know.

I always got clothes as a gift as a teen from my parents and even younger from wider family. Basic stuff like underwear, standard T-Shirts, jeans was purchased in normal times but if I wanted something with a label like trainers, Levi’s, a designer top then it was birthdays and Christmas that I got them, or purchased myself with money given to me on those occasions. These things are not cheap and as they are desirable items I see no issue in them being given as gifts. It’s just the same as wanting a new bit of tech.

So buy him what he needs as I'm sure you do already and then he only gets designer if Dad buys it. When it's his birthday /Christmas ask what he wants. Ignore the clothes and buy something else

Gosh, OP what a difficult situation. This is your older DS? how is the other one?

I think that you have to push on through - but i wouldn't worry at all about buying your DS branded clothes at all, he can get all that from WonderDad. Do you know if there is anything at all he likes or wants or you think would be nice for him to have that you can afford?

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more - his dad's gf doesn't even need to work because "Dad is super smart and works so hard."

You deffo need to have the conversation I'm afraid. And then maybe go to the Oxfam website and give him a goat or a well in Africa as his present…

And if you give him money you may have to turn a deaf ear to everything that he says WonderDad gives him (or you know he gives him etc) and just keep reiterating that you love him and so on. Either he'll believe you, eventually. Or he will stay on his dad's side - which he already is so how much worse do you think it would get?

So just buy him normal clothes and get him the gifts he wants for special occasions rather than more clothes.

You can’t force a bond between siblings, many don’t get on. It’s a big age gap and they will have nothing on common in reality. I know lots how have little to do with much younger half siblings for various reasons.

@IaceCreamAndCandyfloss But I would expect him to at least acknowledge her existence!

And I don't see the relevance at all whether a full or half sibling?

It's because his father has told him I won't love him now baby is here and that we will spend all of our money on her so "be prepared to go hungry."

It's because his father has told him I won't love him now baby is here and that we will spend all of our money on her so "be prepared to go hungry."

That’s just so awful. I really feel for you and your son. This man is a complete monster.