To give my teenager clothes for birthday gifts?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Long story short, I'm going through a very hard time with my son whom I share 50/50 (court enforced) with his dad. I believe his father is trying to alienate me at every opprtunity.

My son turns 13 soon and for birthday/Christmas gifts in the past we have bought him a few items of "special" clothing from the brands he likes. Obviously these are not cheap by any stretch but he wears them loads.

My fiancé and I both work ft (well I do normally but currently on mat leave) but on relatively low wages as in education/social care. My ex earns well in excess of £100k pa. As it's 50/50 I receive no maintenance or anything like that so we are entirely self-sufficient. Having said all of that, my boys never go without and we save hard for hem to have additional things like private music lessons etc.

My son says that it is wrong for him to be given clothes as presents because he should "just have all of that stuff anyway" because he's growing so will of course need new clothes and they should not be given as gifts.

AIBU to think my son/his dad are being bang out of order?

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@UnfinishedSymphon Totally agree that "love isn't about buying expensive crap". I tried to show that to him when I left his wealthy dad and bore the consequences but as yet it hasn't worked.[/quote]
His father sounds like a shit, it's not fair you having to deal with the consequences

@Suchan1d10t

Generic/basic clothes - not for presents Designer brands - if he doesn't want them as presents he can do without

THIS ^ with bells on.

Generic unbranded gear so that he’s ‘clothed’ are not gifts. However a designer top he’s been after at £100 that he doesn’t need but he really wants is absolutely a nice gift! One he’d be lucky to get.

Failing that give him money and he can buy his own designer gear.

@UnfinishedSymphon Thank you. My mum asked me just yesterday if I regretted leaving my ex knowing what myself and my kids would have to endure as a consequence. She wasn't being judgemental, just saying that nobody knew of the horrors ahead of us.

My honest reply?

Well, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt the boys would have been without a mum as I couldn't have gone on suffering the abuse. Just no way it would have been sustainable.

But actually, the truth is that this option may well have made things easier for my children. Their dad couldn't continue to punish them through me if I had died.

I kind of regret not bowing out in that way before all of this damage was done.

OP moan away if it makes you feel better you are certainly not a 'moaning minnie'.

This sounds so difficult, what's your other son like? I don't what you can do about the present situation as this sounds like a drop in the ocean. My DD said once in a similar vein when she was 11, I had a very serious conversation with her and we helped at a homeless shelter for 3 months. Now she definitely appreciates what she has, but I think with your exs BS this wont help you.

Ignoring a sibling regardless of the age difference, is not acceptable but again I'm not sure what you can do. I imagine you know this but it seems that your DS will end up wanting to move in with DF because DF will happy for all the crap he wants?

I'm sure someone else will come on with more knowledge but surely there has to be organisations that can support you with this (I mean through the court process and emotional abuse from their DF).

Seriously your ex is a complete cunt.

My blood boiled for you reading this! His father sounds like an absolute dick of a man.

I presume sitting your son down and just explaining that money is not the be all and end all of life. Tell him if it was you'd never have left his father...

OP this sounds awful. The problem isn't anything to do with the present it's the attitudes he's picking up from his terrible father. Is there an experience that you could give him as a gift? My teen DS has a birthday next week and wants a stadium tour for the football club he supports rather than an object or item of clothing. Could you arrange for him to do something adventurous/fun rather than expensive ie camping with a friend?

I think that you just need to keep re-iterating that sometimes the most valuable jobs in society are ones that aren't paid much and that one day DS or his father might need the help pf a care worker or someone else they look down on. Teens can be really difficult but if you can instill some decent values in them they will emerge as perfectly reasonable young adults at some point. You do need to counteract the crap from his Dad though whenever you can.

In terms of the presents, you give what you can afford and what you know the recipient will like. My DS has asked for pants, socks and a couple of t shirts for his birthday, even though I've offered to pay for the dents in his car to be repaired instead. I can afford both, but he doesn't seem interested in the car repairs so will get him what he's asked for. Clothes are a great gift anyway - I don't understand people who see them as rubbish because you have to buy clothes throughout the year. Birthday clothes can be more frivolous.

Also - better to be an arse wiper than an arsehole

I don’t have teens yet but I would expect to buy them normal priced clothes as standard from high street shops and anything special like designer items are presents.

Ds’ 20 & 15 get:-
Christmas - brand clothes
Birthday- brand clothes
General- non branded
On offer/deal- branded if i can afford it

Simple as. They shout about it (which they don’t to be fair), they’d get nothing.

Op this is awful for you. Stop beating yourself up right now. None of this is your fault and you can't control what your arsehole ex does.

You can instil good values in your son. He will mature and realise actions speak far louder than words, and also that expensive gifts aren't love. He's only 13 and has had massive life changes to deal with.

It's very early days with his sister. Give it time and he'll come round. Newbies can be a little boring for teens but as soon as she starts laughing and moving about he will fall in love with her.

You sound a good mum with a kind partner, just make the time with your son as pleasant as possible. It's probably best his dad isn't openly criticised at home. Your son shouldn't have to pick a side as such.

He will realise who is dad really is in time.

Newbies was supposed to read "newborns"

My son says my partner and I should get better jobs and earn loads more

I’d tell him when he is a full time job he can spend his money on the things he wants.

It’s funny when teens spend your money V spending their own money how something seem less value for money

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners Love it!! Can I quote you in court tomorrow?!!

Love it!! Can I quote you in court tomorrow?!!

Go for it!! Good luck though in all seriousness.

good luck today, OP

@Brefugee Thank you. It's about 10th time now ex has taken me to court so very sadly used to it. Still very stressful though and fiancé not here as in hospital

Hope its gone ok.

YANBU. Yes he should be clothed, but not in expensive brands! I think you need to speak to him about his respect for you