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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you believe your husband/partner...

83 replies

HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 17:54

...when he says things like “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world!” ?

Do you think he really means it?

My husband has been saying stuff like that for 15 years. Then yesterday I was joking about how he couldn’t get a more beautiful woman than me and he said there were loads of more beautiful women out there. I said “That’s not what you usually say”. He said, “You didn’t really believe that, did you?”

But I did.

Not that I was literally the most beautiful woman in the world (very, very, very far from it) but that I was to him.

I don’t know why but I felt really hurt. I guess it’s because something has changed in our relationship if he can’t even be bothered to lie about my attractiveness anymore!

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
300XLTriColour · 20/07/2020 17:55

That’s very mean of him. My husband says the same to me. I know full well I’m not beautiful but he thinks I am and he means it. He’s not the most handsome chap in the world but I genuinely think he’s gorgeous and tell him so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2020 17:58

It’s something my DH says and I believe he means it. Not objectively the most beautiful of course, but to him. I believe him because of how he looks at me I think. I’d be very hurt as you are.

DaphneFanshaw · 20/07/2020 17:59

Well, it wasn’t the nicest thing to say.
You weren’t all that nice to him and he wasn’t all that nice back.
I get that it was meant as a joke in the first place but he really wasn’t any worse than you were.

MissMudskipper · 20/07/2020 18:00

What a hurtful flippant comment to make. I think anyone would be hurt by this Flowers

tinydancer88 · 20/07/2020 18:01

I think being told I'm the most beautiful woman in the world would irritate me actually (this is hypothetical as nobody's ever said it Grin
I know full well I'm not, it's ridiculous and too over the top.

I do like when my boyfriend says my hair looks nice or compliments my eyes or something more genuine and specific however. And I try to make an effort to say it out loud if I like how he's dressed or if he looks particularly handsome at that moment.

DaphneFanshaw · 20/07/2020 18:01

But to reply to your question, I believe that my DP sees the most beautiful parts of me at their very best on an average day.

Chanjer · 20/07/2020 18:02

She doesn't say I'm the best in the world but she compliments me and I know it's not true thanks to the magic of eyesight

I say it to her and I mean it but it is true and she is

tinydancer88 · 20/07/2020 18:02

It does sound a bit like you were both winding each other up and it went a tad too far and ended up actually hurting your feelings.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 20/07/2020 18:03

I would be hurt by that. I have a massive hatred of my body and my DP saying how attractive he finds me means the world as its allowed me to relax and dare to enjoy sex and closeness. If I thought he didn't mean it I'd be gutted.

Pebblexox · 20/07/2020 18:03

To be fair, if my husband said that to me I would definitely reply telling him it was bull crap. I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world.
However he tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and I do believe him.

DaphneFanshaw · 20/07/2020 18:06

@tinydancer88

It does sound a bit like you were both winding each other up and it went a tad too far and ended up actually hurting your feelings.
Yep, I agree. It’s ok to be upset by what he said. I can totally understand that but this does happen if you start with this sort of joking.
Onacleardayyoucansee · 20/07/2020 18:07

He likes building you up, when you built yourself, he knocked you down.

Pride comes before a fall?

Though you were lighthearted, perhaps, so was he, just taking the game further.
I wouldn't like it either.
Has a slightly abusive flavour.

Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 18:09

@DaphneFanshaw The thing is, I was joking and he was serious. For context, it started with me joking that he’d be much happier if I wasn’t around because then he could play video games as much as he liked and then him saying seriously “If I wasn’t happy I’d leave” and then me saying “No you wouldn’t because you know you’ll never find another wife as good as me” and then him saying “Of course I would!” and then me saying “Ah but would she be as beautiful as me?” which of course I didn’t really mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 18:13

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy Yes exactly. I had a serious eating disorder when we met - I was 18 - and it’s taken me a long time to accept that I do actually look completely fine as I am partly due to the nice things he used to say which he really seemed to believe! Now to be told that he was lying the whole time...

OP posts:
burninh · 20/07/2020 18:16

Well on the flip side I genuinely find my DH way more attractive then other men, particularly civilians. The ones I do think are better looking are about 3 celebs! 🤣🤣

Iamclearlyamug · 20/07/2020 18:17

That was really mean of him, I’d be really hurt too

I have a battle in my head every time my OH says I’m beautiful (I’m really not) because he does mean it but I’m just kind of like ‘how can he actually believe this’ sometimes he’ll look at me and just laugh, and I’ll be like why are u laughing, and he’ll say ‘you’re just so beautiful’ and the cycle starts again. Having said that, I think he’s the most handsome man in the world and I know he doesn’t think so - definitely not just women who feel like this

SimonJT · 20/07/2020 18:22

I don’t believe my partner is the most beautiful man in the world, he simply is the most beautiful man in the world, he couldn’t be more stunning.

If I didn’t think he was I wouldn’t be cruel and point it out, thats a horrible thing to do.

isadoradancing123 · 20/07/2020 18:28

Absolutely not, how could anyone believe it,

Morgana7 · 20/07/2020 18:32

My DP says this to me regularly and I do believe him (not that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world but that I am to him).
I’d like to think he finds other women attractive but he fancies me more because I’m the one he actually spends time with and has sex with etc.
Very mean of your DP to say that to you!

Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 18:32

@isadoradancing123 I don’t mean that you think you are, I mean that you believe that he thinks you are. So far it seems like most of the people on the thread do believe that their partners mean it when they say things like that.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 20/07/2020 18:37

The thing is, I was joking and he was serious.

Perhaps he didn’t think that being told he wasn’t good enough was very funny. Especially as he goes out of his way to make you feel special.

Pinkchocolate · 20/07/2020 18:39

I’d be upset too. I’ve been with DH for 20 years and have always been quite insecure about my looks so although I know I’m not a stunner I believe my husband sees me as so, I’d be gutted to find out otherwise. Likewise he isn’t a model but I genuinely think he’s the most gorgeous man I’ve ever known.

Mistymonday · 20/07/2020 18:42

My partner literally never says anything at all about my appearance, He has never called me beautiful or attractive. He likes to point out my spots/red cheeks/food spillages. He is ASD though! I would take a compliment like yours even if it was a lie tbh!

Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 18:42

@MintyMabel When did I tell him he wasn’t good enough? I know I am a good wife to him because I try to be. I honestly think he would struggle to find one that tries harder. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that.

I was obviously joking about me being the most beautiful.

OP posts:
GeorginaTheGiant · 20/07/2020 18:47

On the flip side, in 11 years together my DH has very rarely directly said that he thinks I’m beautiful. I know he finds saying things like that really hard. The most meaningful things he’s said to me about his feelings have generally been written in cards or letters. Telling me verbally things like I am beautiful just doesn’t come naturally to him. BUT the reason I don’t mind this is because he shows me how much he loves and values me in a million tiny ways every day. Yes a few more ego stroking compliments would be nice Grin but I know that for me, actions speak louder than words. I’ve had boyfriends before who were gushing with compliments but treated me horribly a lot of the time.

I can understand why this was hurtful Op but I would focus on considering how he treats you day to day and whether it’s with real love. It could have been a thoughtless foot in mouth moment or something more unpleasant, no one on here can really tell you. Can you talk to him about the conversation and how it left you feeling, give him a chance to fix it?

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