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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you believe your husband/partner...

83 replies

HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 17:54

...when he says things like “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world!” ?

Do you think he really means it?

My husband has been saying stuff like that for 15 years. Then yesterday I was joking about how he couldn’t get a more beautiful woman than me and he said there were loads of more beautiful women out there. I said “That’s not what you usually say”. He said, “You didn’t really believe that, did you?”

But I did.

Not that I was literally the most beautiful woman in the world (very, very, very far from it) but that I was to him.

I don’t know why but I felt really hurt. I guess it’s because something has changed in our relationship if he can’t even be bothered to lie about my attractiveness anymore!

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
DopamineHits · 20/07/2020 19:53

That was spiteful of him.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2020 20:08

He was being mean to you for no reason
Hope that isn't a habit of his

okiedokieme · 20/07/2020 20:30

Dp says I'm beautiful but I don't believe him! Actually it's not about looks in a long term relationship anyway

okiedokieme · 20/07/2020 20:31

@burninh

The ones I find attractive are either celebs or far too young!

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 20:37

reminds me of this.

tbf with my dp, he says it because for him, subjectively, i am. but we both know im not!

WendyHoused · 20/07/2020 20:42

Obviously it's hyperbole.

He means you are beautiful to him, not that you're Ms World. He sees the beauty in you not just physically but in your persona;lity, your mind, your very person. That's lovely.

It doesn't mean you're objectively more beautiful than some megastar gorgeous soul. It means he loves you and thinks you're beautiful.

peaceanddove · 20/07/2020 20:43

DH makes me feel beautiful. Whether I am or not, is immaterial. He makes me feel like I'm the prettiest woman in the room, so I don't care about the truth of it Smile

WendyHoused · 20/07/2020 20:43

"You're not special. Well, you're special b ut you fall within a bell curve."

I love Tim Minchin.

MaybeDoctor · 20/07/2020 20:44

This reminds me of the cartoon character running out off the edge of the cliff into empty space, then suddenly looking down.

He said you were the most beautiful woman in the world. Accept that it was a lovely thing for him to say at that time and in that moment but don't hold him to meaning it for all eternity. You were lucky that he ever said it at all as a lot of men are not demonstrative in that way.

Beauty fades, relationships change and you can't attach your ego to what someone said in the honeymoon period and then might have continued to say out of love/affection/habit. Perhaps it was inevitably going to come to an end one day?

Itsarattrap · 20/07/2020 20:46

What a horrid thing to say.

Mine does though it’s taken 35 years for me to come to the conclusion that he does actually seem to believe it.

If he didn’t though, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be so flippantly nasty.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 20/07/2020 20:47

DH doesn't say things like that, it's a bit cringe to me. He'll tell me I look beautiful, but actually when he compliments my intelligence, humour , empathy etc it means a lot more. If he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world obviously I'd know that wasn't true and I'm not a fan of insincerity to boost egos.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/07/2020 20:56

Yanbu how hurtful. Obviously there are very beautiful people in the world, real beauty will shine from a person who treats you kindly.
He wasn't been kind I'd be livid.

Sunnyrainshowers · 20/07/2020 21:15

That sounds like something said with the intention to wound. Is it a regular occurrence?

Keha · 20/07/2020 21:26

My husband doesn't say things like that because I think we both know it's patently not true (and he's not the best looking man in the world either). However he tells me he loves me everyday, and says things like "you're my favourite person" and I believe him. I'd be gutted if he turned round and said he didn't mean that.

GhostCurry · 20/07/2020 21:49

“ The whole idea that a woman’s value to a man lies in her beauty (or lack) is patriarchal sexist nonsense.”

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

OP I would be really hurt at this. The idea that he had been saying something untrue this whole time, and then took a little pleasure in disabusing you of the belief. Mean.

Craiglang · 20/07/2020 21:50

Ouch. I'd be upset.

My DH says it doesn't matter what I look like, it's not important to him, he loves me for who I am. Which reinforces to me how physically unattractive I am. No one has ever called me pretty or beautiful and meant it. I'm sorry that you had that and it's been taken away.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/07/2020 21:56

My DH used to say it and I believed him. I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him (apart from Natalie Imbruglia) just like he was the most handsome man in the world (apart from Colin Firth) to me. I don't think that objectively either of us would have been seen by anyone else as that, but love is blind and so with love goggles on, we found each other the most attractive.

GeorginaTheGiant · 20/07/2020 22:12

@peaceanddove

DH makes me feel beautiful. Whether I am or not, is immaterial. He makes me feel like I'm the prettiest woman in the room, so I don't care about the truth of it Smile
That’s so lovely!
Littlepond · 20/07/2020 22:21

No ones ever told me I’m Beautiful 🤷🏼‍♀️ I mean that’s cos I’m not but no one has ever even bothered to summon up a lie about it

Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 20/07/2020 22:57

@fatgirlslimmer No it’s not really something I say out loud. But I do think he’s lucky to have me. I’m not going to sell myself short by pretending otherwise. I’ve done quite enough of that!

@Getagripffs Yes that’s exactly how it felt - like a kick in the gut. As @Ohtherewearethen said, I never needed, wanted or expected such over the top, hyperbolic compliments. I don’t know why he said it if he didn’t mean it.

@PlanDeRaccordement I think when he talks about beauty he means inside and out. That said, we can’t pretend that physical attraction isn’t important in relationships. Perhaps not in all, but I imagine in most.

@CallMeOnMyCell I might think the same but he literally hasn’t left the house in months except to go out with me and the kids because he’s working from home.

To everybody else, mine really did seem to mean it when he said it, just like yours. I wonder if yours are also being untruthful? That sounds horrible but that’s not how I meant it, I promise! I’m just genuinely interested in whether this is just a thing that some men say and why.

Btw We have talked about it since and he said he still thinks I am “very beautiful and sexy” but I am not the MOST. I guess that’s something?

OP posts:
GhostCurry · 20/07/2020 23:05

“Btw We have talked about it since and he said he still thinks I am “very beautiful and sexy” but I am not the MOST. I guess that’s something?“

I need to know more I’m afraid OP. Was there groveling? I’m so cross on your behalf!

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 23:09

I think as you went on to explain... it sounds like banter... and usually one person goes lower than the other. I’m sure he didn’t mean it it’s not as though he usually says that like you said? So he clearly felt he needed to defend himself. Let it go OP

Passmethecrisps · 20/07/2020 23:16

It sounds an odd conversation to be having anyway. His comment “if I was unhappy I would leave” I would be taken aback if my husband mentioned leaving in any context I think.

To describe me as beautiful would be ludicrous so I am afraid I can’t imagine this conversation at all. HOWEVER, I agree with others that it sounds barbed and unkind - why does he feel the need to give you a reality check now?

BackforGood · 20/07/2020 23:17

I think being told I'm the most beautiful woman in the world would irritate me actually (this is hypothetical as nobody's ever said it grin
I know full well I'm not, it's ridiculous and too over the top.

I agree with tinydancer88.
If someone notices something you've changed slightly ("You've had your hair cut, it looks really nice") or comments on something (I love that dress on you, it really suits you" / even "That necklace really brings out the colour of your eyes") etc etc then it shows that they've noticed something, and it is a genuine compliment.

Clearly none of us ordinary folk are 'the most beautiful woman in the world' so it is rubbish, and means nothing.

But you were taunting him when he was trying to focus on his gaming, then got upset when he started being more honest ? Hmm

Original poster
HulaHoopFingers · 21/07/2020 01:51

He wasn’t playing at the time. He just gets all tired and mopey when he has to do stuff for the kids on the weekend so I was teasing him a bit to try and lighten the mood. Obviously it didn’t go very well for me!

There was no grovelling. He says he is just trying to be more honest and realistic.

I feel like I’m not sure I can ever put much stock in a compliment from him again. Eg he still says I am the best wife and mother in the world and claims to mean it.

OP posts: