or do I just have a chip on my shoulder?

[DeadlyDinners]

DH has a friend who I find difficult company. I find him quite self centred and domineering, I put up with spending a limited amount of time with him because he is a good friend to DH and it is important to DH that we do spend some time together. DH can be pretty blind to this guy’s flaws and does not get irritated by him the way I do.

We are currently redecorating our kitchen. We really need a new one, it’s over 20 years old and doesn’t really suit our needs but we can’t afford a new one. Friend knows this. Friend has decided to get a new kitchen, which is fair enough, his one is old too and he can afford a new one. In this situation though, AIBU to think you might be a little bit sensitive to your friend who cannot afford the same as you?

On Saturday, friend launched into a lengthy description of said new kitchen, showed brochures etc, mainly directed at me. I smiled and nodded and said how lovely, as I would to anyone. It continued for around 20 minutes with things like “Storage is so much better these days, I’ll be able to fit in so much stuff in the cupboards, look at these.” Jarring, as storage is a real issue for us, but I continue to smile and nod. “Remember those handles you used to get, with fancy bits which are difficult to keep clean and not good when wee ones bump there head off them, well the handles these days are so sleek.” As the friend knows, our handles are hideous affairs which I am struggling to replace because they’ve left marks on the units, which I had previously mentioned to friend.

I will hold up my hands and say I’m jealous. I wish we could afford a lovely new kitchen. But as this “conversation” went on I felt more and more like he was actually trying to make a point - look what I can afford and you can’t. Do you think my feelings stem from jealousy and finding the guy annoying and combative in the past, or would you expect most people to find those sort of comments and insensitivity galling?

OP for years we had a really shit bathroom lots of friends bought house with lovely bathroom or even a half decent ones was miles better than mine and of course they told me about them; c'est la vie. Two other friends had their bathrooms completely gutted and redecorated God how I wanted to do the same to mine and were asking my opinion on tiles/grout etc and were proudly showing me the latest shower taps etc and when they'd finished showing me round again c'est la vie. I can't get offended over someone else's enjoyment of their bathroom I enjoy it with them. * years after we first moved in now its my turn to install a ridiculously over priced bathroom my friends are now listening/ enjoying/sympathising with my news about my new bathroom, discussing grout colours, listening to the same stories they told me about theirs; it's taking longer than we'd originally hoped or removing a small bit of plaster and 1/2 the wall falling down this IMO is normal friend behaviour.
My grand mother used to say everything comes to those who wait, the older I get the more true I think this is.

If it’s any consolation, OP, he’s probably going to be paying it off for the next couple of years. Take a look at Pinterest and you’ll be amazed at what people have done to their run down kitchens. When painting doors, don’t put yourself under pressure and just take off a couple and paint them one or two at a time. They’re very easy to remove.

There are actually companies that will take your doors and paint/spray them for you, for a few hundred pounds.

Sounds very boring. My DH would have took the piss out of his friend if they rambled on about a kitchen for that long.

Hold on - he came to your house with brochures? He’s dull as ditchwater!
Whether he’s being a dick or not depends on whether you have recently raised the issue of you being fed up with your kitchen.
For example my friend wrote off her car and I’d just bought a new (very fancy) one. I keep quiet about it. But if I didn’t know I might have banged on about it a little bit (we like cars).

Next time he starts like that, just stare into the distance and when he repeats himself or asks if you’re listening, just, “oh I’m sorry, I zoned out there, what were you saying, I promise to pay attention, this time”. 😁

So while he was droning on and on - what was your husband doing? Was he droning at you and your husband, or just at you?

" I put up with spending a limited amount of time with him because he is a good friend to DH and it is important to DH that we do spend some time together."
Tough shit. He's your husband's friend, not yours, and it's time to make it clear to your husband that you don't enjoy this man's company, and you don't want to be in his company any more. Your husband will have to decide why it's important to him that you spend time with this goady fucker, and whether it's more important to have a happy wife.

Life is too short to spend it with arsewipes.

YANBU OP. I would acknowledge this in a jokey way with a smile . 'Alright big spender, stop bragging, some of us are making do with a pre-historic kitchen!'

I do find his behaviour cringe, because I do that British thing of downplaying/deprecating anything nice I have, unless it's to someone equally excited as me.

"it is important to DH that we do spend some time together."

What's this about though?

Family I might understand, but a boring friend?

I think he is just sharing because he is excited at what he has recently learned about kitchens. I do the same but rave about Ikea kitchens, they are cheaper and far cheaper than even crap kitchen providers but have very sturdy cabinets and bigger storage capacity, etc. Etc etc

The facT he was talking about this may mean he was only trying to help, if he was trying to be nasty/insensitive to your situation, he would have focused on how much he was spending not on the functionality of the kitchen itself.

Envy is a horrible thing, but I have found that working on different solutions to get you were you want to be is the best way to beat that nasty feeling or use it to your advantage.

That guys sounds (socially) tone-deaf.
Does he always go into great details about things he's excited about?
What you described sounds a bit like (mild) autistic behaviour.

You may be a bit over-sensitive, but people who want to show you brochures of their holidays/kitchens, or blueprints of their extensions, should be shot.

No-one should be excited about what they've recently learned about kitchens!

It's not you, it's him. He's a smug, boorish arse. Nobody rubs someone else's nose in it as thoroughly as that without meaning to.

(and his DW, he does have one, she is pretty quiet and sat there in silence through the kitchen monologue)

Poor woman.

@speakout and would you have clipped the back of his head with the wine bottle on your way out?grin

Totally!

And I would have come down after my bath tipsy and played my Cyndi Lauper/Blondie/Cheryl Crow/Bjork/ music at full volume.

Of course I’m bloody jealous. But I am mature enough to be able to put that aside

I’m not sure you’d have started this thread if this was true.

I get not being able to mention something, for instance going on about being pregnant if you’ve just lost a baby, but a kitchen? Cmon. He’s clearly not realised you’re a proper jealous person. Over a kitchen of all things.

You don’t actually have to spend any time with him. Just be busy when he’s there.

Of course he is entitled to get a new kitchen if he wants & can afford one. The fact that you can’t is entirely irrelevant, so in that sense YABU to be envious. Obviously.

It does sound like his behaviour in telling you about his new kitchen was insensitive at best, but without hearing his tone or seeing his body language it’s impossible to say if he was intentionally trying to rub it in.

So you were tied to the chair and had to listen to his kitchen story??

Kind of not the point of your post, but can I ask what type of kitchen you have? I know it may seem like a massive job but I painted an older wooden kitchen in my house now. I could not afford a kitchen to begin with and we were doing a renovation job on it so I painted the original wooden kitchen and changed the handles. The transformation was amazing and a few friends thought I had spent £££ on a new kitchen. You can probably do a lot more than you think to modernise your current kitchen. Maybe you should focus on that and disappear when the friend comes round again.

Oh come on to those saying jealousy! The guy is clearly rubbing your face in it, or at best totally blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to social skills! Who goes on that much about the perks of a new kitchen anyway ?! Never mind when he knows you can't afford one You are right OP - he is a prat and is enjoying making himself feel superior and you inferior.

He's trying to wind you up.....and it's working.
But, so what...My kitchen is bound to be a thousand times worse than yours.... there are better things too worry about.
I get a bit jelly welly about things that matter to me...and have met some boasters, but this comes from their own insecurities...A truly secure person doesn't need to boast.

@BurtsBeesKnees

Maybe he's trying to talk to you about something he thinks you'd be interested in

This. He knows you’re doing up your kitchen, he knows you’ve been looking at handles, he’s excited about his new kitchen, and thought it was something you’d be interested in.

I don’t think he’d assume envy would mean you didn’t wish to hear, and he’s clearly missed that clue about you. The wife it seems hasn’t.

It sounds like a boring conversation.
He might be excited about handles or trying to wind you up.
I think you are getting wound up because he is irritating.
I hope you don't have to spend some time together with him often.

@AgeLikeWine

Of course he is entitled to get a new kitchen if he wants & can afford one. The fact that you can’t is entirely irrelevant, so in that sense YABU to be envious. Obviously.

It does sound like his behaviour in telling you about his new kitchen was insensitive at best, but without hearing his tone or seeing his body language it’s impossible to say if he was intentionally trying to rub it in.

FFS has everyone missed the bit where the Op says We are currently redecorating our kitchen.?

You would go round to a couple having IVF and bang on about how easily you just got pregnant or when you know someone has just had their old banger in the garage yet again about your new Audi.

He’s a tosser. Does he fancy you a bit maybe? Sort of showing off what he could give you...?

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. You’re (understandably) jealous, he’s totally crass and insensitive.