To think that as a mother I should be with my children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I have a chronic heath condition which was stable/in remission for a very long time but due to a recent decline in my overall health it has now come back and impacted on my life in a lot of ways that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

Anyhow, alongside the re-emergence of my chronic condition, I have also had other heath issues be picked up on (over the last two weeks) and my GP has told me that my body is burnt out. She told me I have been running on empty a long time and she’s surprised that I’ve managed to cope this long before things came to a head.

As a result of how things are with my health my Consultant has said I’m to have a minimum of two months off work and it is vital that I rest and recuperate otherwise my health will continue to decline. She is also worried about my mental heath as well as my physical health due to how I’m struggling to cope with my condition resurfacing and the impact it has had.

Anyway - I have two children aged 6 and 3 which is obviously not conducive to rest and recuperation, so my husband who is also worried told me to go and stay with a family member for at least a week (of which I’m 5 days in to) so I can get some proper rest and look after myself. I can’t explain how much better I’m feeling, physically and emotionally, just from being able to completely rest for this short period of time.

I obviously miss the children very much, so yesterday my DH bought them over after they’d had their breakfast, they stayed the day, slept over last night and then went home just after lunchtime today when DH collected them. I miss them again already.

My DH can see how much better I look and feel after these past 5 days of rest and he has told me to stay here for as long as I need to if it means my health isn’t being compromised and that I can recover quicker. He has said he will bring the children over every couple of days if I want (which obviously I do) and they can stay overnight again etc

In some ways I know he is making sense because I genuinely do feel so much more rested but at the same time it just doesn’t feel right to be away from my children. I feel like I’m being really selfish

I just feel so drained by everything - my Consultant has told me that I have to put myself first, but that goes against everything that being a mother means to me because I just keep thinking that I should be at home with my children.

AIBU to stay with my family member for a bit longer? What would you do in my position. I just don’t know what course of action is the right one

You are experiencing mother-guilt. It happens to lots of women when they try to put themselves first! Everyone seems to be coping with this situation perfectly well, so stop beating yourself up about it. Of course you miss your children, as I am sure they miss you, but they are absolutely fine. If your husband needed this, I bet you wouldn't hesitate to facilitate it.

In the long run this is the right think to do for your children. A couple of weeks could really impact your health and energy levels with them for the long term. They won’t even remember this time. It sounds like you have a capable and supportive partner so take this opportunity to recuperate. You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that...

It is such a hard decision. I do feel for you.

Last summer i had a baby who arrived 3 months early. I was in hospital a nearly a month before he arrived. I also had a just 4 year old child who stayed with my mum who was nearly 2 hrs away from the hospital I was in.

I felt awful being apart from her and i missed her so so much. I was on my able to see her for a few hours maybe once or twice a week, and had to cancel a planned visit a few times as kept having heavy bleeds and being rushed to delivery only to settle again a few hours later. Mum guilt is a very real thing.

I could have insisted on being discharged AMA. I could have asked to be moved to a closer hospital, tho that hospital would not have been equipped to deal with such a small baby had he arrived there.

It felt like i was missing a limb. I have never stayed away from her and would never have chosen to. However I'm also glad i chose to stay in that hospital as any other choice would have meant the babe I'm currently cuddling to sleep would not have survived, and possibly neither would I. And that would have been so much worse for my girlie.

It is SO hard. But sometimes you HAVE to choose to prioritise you in order to be able to prioritise them in the future.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

It’s mother’s guilt.

Your children will suffer more if you decline further or worse, trust me. You’re doing this for them. Fix yourself properly now so that you can be their mother for years to come.

@RonnieBob

It’s mother’s guilt.

Your children will suffer more if you decline further or worse, trust me. You’re doing this for them. Fix yourself properly now so that you can be their mother for years to come.

This. Take the time now, it sounds like you really need it.

You are putting your children first: you are doing the very best for them by looking after their mum! Imagine how lost they'd be if something happened to them!

In the meantime, they are with their other parent who seems loving and competent and very sensitive to both their needs and yours.

You are doing the right thing!

Take the time.
They are with their dad.
They are seeing you every couple days.
It is fine and they are fine
No guilt to be had.

You need to be well for them.
The dc are fine.

You have a very supportive dh and your kids are in good hands. Take the time to get better as it is already helping you so much. You can return much healthier to everyone maybe even sooner.

You will be a far better parent to your children over the longer term by recuperating now.

A few months now could save your life. Take this time to get stronger.

You're doing the right thing. And their dad is supportive. This is the best scenario you could have. As you get better you could facetime, see them more etc and you'll know that you're well on your way to being physically well again in order to go home to them

It’s important you look after your health right now - they’re safe with their dad and you need to get up the strength to continue to be the best mother you can be to them.

What a lovely supportive husband you have .
Definitely take the time you need to recuperate, its natural to feel guilty but theres no need . They are with their dad , and being loved and cared for .
Maybe have some projects on the go ( knitting something nice for them? ) or something like that so that you feel close to them .

I know it's hard, but you need to think long term. Isn't it better that you rest, recuperate and get your strength back over these 2 weeks instead of burning out completely and your children not having you for longer, or god forbid at all??
Look at it as something your doing for them, so they can have a happy, healthy mother.

Perhaps think of it like this. Do you want to be an empty shell of a mother who is always there in presence but not truly there in mind and spirit? Or a fully functioning, back to herself mother who needed some time away to fill herself back up to full?

Bless you. Can't compare really. But I had really awful anemia in march. I couldn't do the school run as it was a mile each way. It really upset me. I felt like a rubbish mum. I was frustrated. I was weak. I was exhausted and feeling sickly and wobbly. But if have good moments and I'd try and be great in those hours. But I'd be back down again the next day. On my good days I wanted to walk. To bake. To stay up late.

I really sympathize. Your situations worse than mine. It's much worse. But all mums want to do is care for the kids.

My advice would be give yourself a few more days rest. Then slowly build up your time with your kids. Then at the weekends try and have a days rest in bed. Whether that's to read a book. Have a sleep. Have a bath or watch something. Especially as currently your kids will not be at school.

I send you my love and hope you feel better soon. I've had some really testing times this year and it's really frightened me as a mum being limited. X

I would take the time to rest then when you do go back to them you will have more energy to play with them etc

Someone said above that you can't pour from an empty cup and I think you really need to remember this when you are feeling an attack of the guilts. You need this rest period so you can be a healthy parent for the future. See it as an investment in your family. It must be a rotten situation to be in, and I hope your health improves for you.

If you don't rest and end up in hospital would it be any better for your children? I don't think you would need to think too long over that question.

Go home ... rest at home...

Everyone is happy with the situation. Don’t feel guilty about looking after your health. You’ll be back with them soon enough x

Take as much time as you need. Your husband seems lovely. Please put the mum guilt aside for a while - I agree with a pp who said see this time of rest as an investment. If your kids are anything like mine (who love a sleepover), they will be so excited to see you and stay over again, it will be an adventure for them!

Thanks everyone, I just felt so guilt when my husband picked them up and my eldest kept asking when I was coming home.

He knows I haven’t been well (he knows I had to be in hospital for a day) and he knows that I’m reading but that doesn’t stop him wanting me home.

When I was at my worst six days ago I was just crying at home, crying because I was exhausted and unwell and crying because I was scared for my health. My children were obviously really upset at seeing me so upset and I hated it.

When they saw me yesterday it was the most relaxed and happy they’d seen me in quite a while.

We have been Face Timing at least twice a day and my eldest will record videos of himself and send them to me - generally of him just talking excitedly for 30 seconds about the latest episode of Fireman Sam he’s just watched etc, but it’s lovely to get them.

I have been away from them before when they’ve been on holiday but this just feels different somehow, it feels wrong. I feel like I shouldn’t be escaping (for want of a better word) my children because when we choose to be parents we choose to take on all that it entails - including being their daily carer and dealing with rough patches.

They have rang me since they’ve been home and they were in the park and having fun so I know they’re ok.

Like you all say, it’s just mom guilt.

When on an airplane the instruction is to put your oxygen mask on first fr a very good reason - you are not much use without it for others including children - this is just the same you need to get you well first then you can start with integrating back into family life which may also have to change a bit to accommodate you and the new way you need to live to stay healthy rather than just letting yourself run down again.

Please don't feel guilty, try to look at it a different way.
If you don't rest and recuperate then you won't be much use to the kids. That might sound harsh but putting yourself first now will enable you to put them first in the future.
Your dh is able to do that now, so the kids aren't suffering.
Have a clean break, without the kids keep coming over and it will be quicker than you thought.

A burnt out parent isn’t as good as a rested parent. You sound like you have a lovely supportive family! Take the time. If you don’t you will only end up much worse and won’t be able to spend time with your children much from a hospital bed!