To think that as a mother I should be with my children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I have a chronic heath condition which was stable/in remission for a very long time but due to a recent decline in my overall health it has now come back and impacted on my life in a lot of ways that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

Anyhow, alongside the re-emergence of my chronic condition, I have also had other heath issues be picked up on (over the last two weeks) and my GP has told me that my body is burnt out. She told me I have been running on empty a long time and she’s surprised that I’ve managed to cope this long before things came to a head.

As a result of how things are with my health my Consultant has said I’m to have a minimum of two months off work and it is vital that I rest and recuperate otherwise my health will continue to decline. She is also worried about my mental heath as well as my physical health due to how I’m struggling to cope with my condition resurfacing and the impact it has had.

Anyway - I have two children aged 6 and 3 which is obviously not conducive to rest and recuperation, so my husband who is also worried told me to go and stay with a family member for at least a week (of which I’m 5 days in to) so I can get some proper rest and look after myself. I can’t explain how much better I’m feeling, physically and emotionally, just from being able to completely rest for this short period of time.

I obviously miss the children very much, so yesterday my DH bought them over after they’d had their breakfast, they stayed the day, slept over last night and then went home just after lunchtime today when DH collected them. I miss them again already.

My DH can see how much better I look and feel after these past 5 days of rest and he has told me to stay here for as long as I need to if it means my health isn’t being compromised and that I can recover quicker. He has said he will bring the children over every couple of days if I want (which obviously I do) and they can stay overnight again etc

In some ways I know he is making sense because I genuinely do feel so much more rested but at the same time it just doesn’t feel right to be away from my children. I feel like I’m being really selfish

I just feel so drained by everything - my Consultant has told me that I have to put myself first, but that goes against everything that being a mother means to me because I just keep thinking that I should be at home with my children.

AIBU to stay with my family member for a bit longer? What would you do in my position. I just don’t know what course of action is the right one

It's for a longer term gain. More of you in their lives for longer. This time is for their benefit too. it's so nice to hear about a family doing supportive and loving so well. Best wishes for your recovery.

YANBU

This time is like a mental and physical reset and recharge that will help you be better able to cope once you’re recovered

It’s like you were trying to run a marathon on a broken ankle carrying a heavy rucksack. You’ve put down the rucksack somewhere safe, and you’re resting your ankle so not really walking on it at all, so that it can healed. Once its healed you’ll be able to pick up the rucksack and walk with it again. But if you try to get going again before you’re healed, it will make it worse, you’ll just keep falling and doing more damage.

Your children are safe and loved, you’ve been able to spend positive time with them. Being away from the in the short term means you can be more there for them long term.

Handhold OP, it’s really tough I know. My DS’ were young when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, mine are mid-late teens now. Unfortunately, this meant they grew up faster than I would like. Things that I found difficult to accept was the fatigue, no longer could we plan to do something and do it, everything was if/maybe I feel ok etc and we couldn’t go out for a whole full day etc. You do what you need to do, your children would prefer to see you relaxed than stressed out & upset. It took me a while to accept that my life had to change, now I focus on what I can do rather than what I can’t. Good luck.

When I hit a wall a few years ago now, I took myself off to the Canary Islands for a week, completely alone! It was strange but I needed the break, my DH just told me to go and he'd sort everything at home which he did, we FaceTime called every night and it was blissful
Don't feel guilty, rest up and you'll be better soon enough

Gosh, yes, I am completely healthy with no chronic conditions or any health worries at all. But I am also completely burnt out. If someone offered me the chance to go and re-charge for a week, I'd fall all over myself to take it. Listen to your GP and let your dh support you. I go on holiday without dh or my dc every year for no other reason than it's amazing! It sounds like you sorely need this and hopefully it makes a real difference in your health going forward (and then you'll be able to more present with you dc, physically and emotionally). Feel better.

@RB68

When on an airplane the instruction is to put your oxygen mask on first fr a very good reason - you are not much use without it for others including children - this is just the same you need to get you well first then you can start with integrating back into family life which may also have to change a bit to accommodate you and the new way you need to live to stay healthy rather than just letting yourself run down again.

This is a really good analogy! Hope you feel better soon xx

I know this is hard but please please look after yourself and count your lucky stars that you YHA be the support to be able to.

Others aren’t so lucky and lose their children as a result when they were actually perfectly good mothers.

Imo, you are being an excellent mother- you miss your children and feel awful about not being with them, but are finding the emotional strength to get through that and focus on recuperation so as to be able to be a good mother to them in the future. Your DH sounds like a very decent partner and father, your children are well loved and cared for, and you are recovering, it sounds, far better where you are than if you were at home. In your shoes I would stay. Your health and wellbeing is important, you are important, and you are doing the best thing by everyone involved by giving yourself what you need to recover.

i had chronic health issues.
I didn't put rest above all else
I have not only ended up in a wheelchair but my health continues to decline.
I let my daughter down and now my grandchildren.

I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing.

STOP AND REST.
Think of wha tthey say when you fly...put your own air mask on first.
Take care of you so you can take care of the kids.

Doing your best to recover well really is the same as putting your dc's needs first, there is no conflict. What would upset them more is having you continually come and go because of repetitive ill health. It's a very short time in their lives, they are being well looked after, probably finding new things to love about their df, and with any luck you'll be back on form again fairly quickly. You are doing the sensible thing. I wish you a speedy recovery.

The oxygen mask analogy is perfect. Guilt is doing nothing for you but adding more stress. Don't be a martyr. Just focus on self care, and know that when you go home your DC's will have a stronger and healthier mother. Your rest is for their benefit as well as yours.

Honestly OP, you’re going to suffer from the separation far more than the children will. Try not to worry.

My mum was very ill when I was a baby and my older brother and I spent 6 months staying with my grandparents while she recuperated. They lived about 4 hours away. There was no regular contact, so we didn’t see our parents in all that time.

I have no recollection of the period at all and my brother who was 9 at the time, thought it was one of the best times in his life as he went from his big city Juniors to the tiny village school and overnight became a big fish in a small pond. In fact, it was partly his experience of village school life that persuaded us to move from a city to a rural backwater.

I think you should stay until Fiday at the least probably the Sunday. Maybe have the kids overnight wednesday to see how you feel? If you feel great, go home Friday. If it tires you out then stay until Sunday.

I stayed at home with the kids when I wasn't well - wasn't right for months, even though DH did 90% of stuff around the house (if I sat down I fell asleep usually, but that would be ended by a 'mum can you...., mum look at this...) - I ended up in hospital with a 50/50 chance of dying. Maybe a proper break would have avoided that

You need to look after yourself to be able to look after them long term

Focus on recuperating and de-stressing. I’m sure that is what your family and children would want too in the long-term.

I am chronically ill and disabled. I am not able to switch off as you have. You have someone looking after you and your children. That’s a brilliant opportunity for your health. Take it with open arms.

...if I sat down I fell asleep usually, but that would be ended by a 'mum can you...., mum look at this...

This is exactly the problem.

My DH is amazing and has pretty much been doing everything around the house but when it comes to the children, as with most children, it’s always mom they want. My DH would take them out everyday to give me 2-3 hours break but for the rest of the day it was just “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.....”

I would obviously go and play with them and amuse them or whatever they wanted me for but it was all such an effort. I didn’t have the energy to even put a genuine smile on my face. I had no energy for anything.

It was lovely having them here yesterday and for the sleepover last night, but even though I only had them with me for 24 hours I still feel absolutely drained by it.

It’s all my own fault.

I haven’t felt right for months but I just kept powering on, working in a stressful job and looking after the children on my days off, always feeling exhausted but just getting on with it. For weeks and weeks I had been saying I needed to go to the GP as I didn’t feel right, but somehow I never got around to it and now here I am.

I haven’t yet told my Managers how much time my Consultant wants me to have off - that will be a fun conversation.

OP, absolutely nothing about this is "your own fault".

You are not well, and you are doing absolutely the right thing.

You have a supportive husband, and the children are absolutely fine. Of course they miss you, but they will miss you more if you are physically present but unable to do all the stuff you would previously have done.

I was very ill when my DC were little. I had to discharge myself from hospital with an IV drip because my XH was "unable" to look after them, even for one night, without all Hell breaking loose.

So I had to go home, just so I could see that the children were safe. It was not a happy time.

You evidently have a lovely husband and lovely family who want to look after you. Let them do it.

You can’t pour from an empty cup- looking after yourself now will improve things in the long term for you and your family

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what's likely to happen if you go home too soon too OP, if you know you're probably going to end up just as exhausted and undo any good this week has done you then it would be unfair to everyone to go back too soon. I totally get the guilt, and the missing them but you sound like you were absolutely at breaking point and really need this time.

Could you try and view it a bit like being in hospital? If you'd been admitted it would be necessary and unavoidable and I hope you wouldn't feel guilty that you needed treatment. This really isn't so different, your health is needing to take priority right now and it sounds like being somewhere you can rest and recoup is just as necessary and unavoidable if you don't want to burn out completely

Thank you everyone.

I feel absolutely drained this morning - I think the thing with children is you don’t realise how much energy they sap out of you until you are away from them and realise what it means to be rested. I only had them with me for 24 hours (well, just over) and I feel exhausted.

I went to bed early last night, woke up later than usual this morning and still feel drained. Normally I’m up and showered by this time but today I’m just slobbed on my sofa in my dressing gown.

I have told my husband I will be home in two days and he doesn’t think I should come back so soon but I’ve got to at some point. The children miss me and I can’t impose on my relative indefinitely. They don’t seem put out by me being here but I doubt they’d tell me I was overstaying my welcome even if they thought it.

I’ve got Occupational Heath ringing me tomorrow too to discuss how long I am going to be off for and what can be done to ease me back in etc etc. I can’t say I’m particularly looking forward to it as I don’t think my Managers, or OH, will be too happy with my Consultant’s recommendations

@Queenofmyprinces work will just have to lump it. Just remind yourself they wouldn't worry how you would cope without them.

Why do you think you're more important than their father? You sound to have a gem there, the opposite of LTB should be HAK, He's A Keeper. You'll be a far better mother for them if you can recover your health.

It’s not that I think I’m more important than him, it’s just that the children are used to me being there everyday. I’ve just told my relative that I’m planning on going home in two days and he seemed genuinely surprised.

I’ve just had a hospital appointment come through for this coming Friday so I need to go back for that anyway.

My husband is phenomenal though, he’s definitely a keeper, I’m very lucky to have him.

I guess I will just have to see how I find it at home, if I really struggle I suppose we will just have re-look at things.