AIBU to think losing your parents and getting a divorce are very different things?

[User198724]

I have lost both my parents this year (4 months apart) from cancer, when my parents were very unwell a colleague announced he was divorcing.

He took a month off while I covered his workload and then partly covered mine when I was off when my mum passed, when we lost dad he was annoyed that I wanted 2 weeks off because I “had so much leave already”. I had about 6 weeks all up for hospital stays and dealing with the death of my parents.

He has recently compared our situations saying we are going through the same emotions of loss.

AIBU that these are completely different situations which are absolutely incomparable?!

He is an absolute knob. Wonder why he’s divorced

@EnjoyingTheSilence

He is an absolute knob. Wonder why he’s divorced

I don't think that anyone needs to add anything further. I'm so sorry about your parents

What a bellend, would you want to raise this with your manager/HR?

His an Idiot! Raise with HR ( if you can) if he gives you anymore grief.
His Probably fed up because a woman has rejected him and his now on his own!

Sorry for your loss. It's hard when we lose people we love. X

Well done for still standing - you've had a horrific year.

The 100% unanimous YANBU speaks for itself. He doesn't understand, and if he's lucky, it will be a long time until he does understand. One day, he's going to feel like a right idiot.

I think I’m going to start recording these instances and raise it with HR.
I wasn’t sure if I was being precious.
He keeps referring to the time I had off as “when I was on holidays” and I have to keep correcting him that I was planning a funeral or sitting at a bedside for 12 hours straight not laying on a beach sipping a cocktail.

Whilst I don’t necessary agree with him if he isn’t close to his parents and they died he might not feel too bad. However, if the divorce was out of the blue and he really didn’t want it then he could have been devastated. In this situation each individual will feel things differently. He shouldn’t have compared though, competitive grief isn’t helpful.

Was his divorce booked as annual leave?

Yes, it is comparing apples and oranges. Although divorce probably is much worse. Losing parents is a natural part of life. No one expects their marriage to break down.

In my old job, a woman split up with her boyfriend. Didn't live together, no kids...just an average twenty something couple who broke up. She took a week off work . Plenty of other people there, including me, took less time off for bereavements.

They can both be awful but aren't comparable and it's not a competition. Sort about your loss. Hope he drops it but have a quiet word with your manager/HR otherwise.

YANBU, OP. Quite apart from the emotional side of things, there is so much that needs to be done and organised.

I lost both my parents 10 months apart, so a much longer interval than you had, and without the stress of a long illness (although they both had dementia). It took ages to get all the pensions etc sorted and paid to my mum after my DF died, and I felt like I had barely had a chance to draw breath when my DM died very suddenly.

And they were hoarders, lived a 3-hour drive away and the council initially refused to give me more than a fortnight to clear the house. My lovely manager gave me an extra 2 weeks compassionate leave because of the circumstances, which was a massive help.

My divorce, otoh, was a cause for celebration, not grief!

I said yabu but I don’t mean you are- I just mean in the question of loss I actually agree with him that the loss process is very similar regardless of the actual loss itself eg be it a marriage, a death etc.
But he is being a knob and very unreasonable to complain about covering you when you covered for him. Could your Hr help?

He sounds like someone I once worked with, she had weeks off with stress when her marriage broke down, a year later she took almost a full week off to get ready for her new wedding and then six months later she took another chunk of time off when that marriage very quickly went south! She thought that we were not sufficiently sympathetic when we didn't want to listen to her whining woes.

Yeah, can't think why he's divorced.. That's a tricky one... Sorry for your loss op.

He keeps referring to the time I had off as “when I was on holidays” and I have to keep correcting him that I was planning a funeral or sitting at a bedside for 12 hours straight not laying on a beach sipping a cocktail

You should follow that up with "You know, I can quite understand why your ex divorced you". What an arsehole.

They were newly married (within the last couple of years) and with no kids.
My parents were wonderful people who I watched decline from the inside out. My wonderful, strong, talented dad got to the point where he couldn’t leave the house because he couldn’t control his bowel motions.
I think at this point I’m still so traumatised by what I witnessed and by the loss for myself, my family and my children that I’m not sure how to react when he makes these comparisons.

I’m really sorry about your parents and what you have been through.

I do agree that grief and emotions aren’t comparable or a competition. What devastates one person (such as a divorce) is a relief for another. Some people aren’t very close to their parents, spouses or children.

LakieLady
This is very similar to what we went through. I lived closer to my parents so for the 12 months prior was doing all their groceries, house work and taking them to appointments, and this didn’t slow down after.
Organising everything has been exhausting!
We are now 4 months on and I feel more overwhelmed then ever, but don’t want to book leave because I can’t handle the comments.

As an aside from his arsehole comments, have to spoken to HR about any support you might need for yourself and your grief?

I would tell him that making comparisons really isn’t helpful and you expect him to stop. It isn’t appropriate. When he says you were on holiday, correct him sharply saying you were looking after your dying parents. Then get a notebook out and write down what he said and when. A conversation with HR would be a good idea. He sounds horrible.

I’m not sure you can say how he felt about his own divorce though, grief really does affect people differently.

So sorry for your loss.

And yes you should still take leave as you need it

Yes, it is comparing apples and oranges. Although divorce probably is much worse. Losing parents is a natural part of life. No one expects their marriage to break down.

I havent been divorced so I cant comment on how devastating it is. But I've lost both my parents (admittedly not close together) and while it might be "the natural order" it is unbelievably fucking awful.i can only presume you havent lost a parent.
Also I've known people who have been divorced and really unhappy and a few years later have been in new relationships which made them happy and fulfilled again. I have been so pleased for 2 friends where this has happened and they are happier than ever.

It's different but both are hard. You can't compare really, saying he's not as deserving as you or vice versa isn't helpful. We all have periods of our lives that are hard.

You need to escalate this to whoever most appropriate. He's using the leave because of the death of your parents, as a stick to beat you with.

What happens when you try to shut him down? How does the matter get brought up?