AIBU to think losing your parents and getting a divorce are very different things?

[User198724]

I have lost both my parents this year (4 months apart) from cancer, when my parents were very unwell a colleague announced he was divorcing.

He took a month off while I covered his workload and then partly covered mine when I was off when my mum passed, when we lost dad he was annoyed that I wanted 2 weeks off because I “had so much leave already”. I had about 6 weeks all up for hospital stays and dealing with the death of my parents.

He has recently compared our situations saying we are going through the same emotions of loss.

AIBU that these are completely different situations which are absolutely incomparable?!

He is a knob. I've been divorced, bloody awful but bearable. My Mam died this year, I'm still numb.

FUCKING HELL. what’s wrong with people?
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost a parent recently and it brought me to my knees. I was unfortunate to have a dick boss so really understand the hurt of jibes about ‘when xxx had her break/time off/holidays’. I would much rather have been in the bloody office.
I’m so sorry you’ve had the double blow of losing both parents and working with this absolute cock womble to boot.
I can only assume that he’s got a severe case of stupid bastarditus if he can’t tell the difference between a divorce and the loss of both parents. Perhaps an issue to raise with HR? If he’s that fucking dim he might need all sorts of special accommodations... perhaps everyone should speak really slowly to him? Perhaps he would be better in a different role - like village idiot?
Good luck not murdering him!

Totally different circumstances, totally different emotions , he's an idiot and he's being very unkind and inconsiderate.
I'm so sorry for your loss , my parents also went close together , it hits you like a sledgehammer, knocks everything out of you ,

Thank you so much Onekidnoclue, your reply was priceless!!
I’m sorry for your loss also, it’s not easy.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it’s made me feel much better knowing that I’m not being incredibly precious!

Very sorry for your loss OP

He sounds like a dreadful man. You can’t compare the experiences, they’re too different. My divorce broke me in a way that I doubt my almost-estranged parents’ deaths will but who knows? It would be different for everyone and you should never compare pain.

What an absolute twat. Completely different things. He shouldn't be comparing, it's insensitive and inappropriate. Seconding going to HR. Don't worry about people's stupid comments, you should take the leave.
I'm so sorry for your loss

Which is worse does depend on the person/relationships but he has behaved badly.

@User198724, you have my sympathy. Losing both your parents in such a short space of time must have been very difficult and I'm sure the current social climate will not have helped either.
I lost my parents 12 months apart, having previously lost my DH to illness 3 years before. It has been a very tough time and my DDs have had to process so much at too young an age.
People react to things very differently. When my husband was very poorly a work colleague spent what felt like several days telling everyone how awful and stressed she was feeling because her washing machine had broken down and it couldn't be fixed. Every fibre of my being wanted to shout at her ' my husband is terminally ill, get a fucking grip ' but to her on that day the washing machine was a massive deal.
Since my DH passed away I have met guys on dates who have said things like ' I think it would be easier if my ex had died ' Again they have no concept of what it means to lose your lover to illness and not because your relationship didn't work out. I haven't been through a divorce but I am sure it can be horrible for some. They are just different losses.
If there is any way that you can take some time off I would do it. I was offered redundancy just before my DF passed away and I haven't worked since. It has given me much more time with my girls. I am fortunate to have been left financially stable and for that part I am both lucky and grateful.

People react to things very differently. When my husband was very poorly a work colleague spent what felt like several days telling everyone how awful and stressed she was feeling because her washing machine had broken down and it couldn't be fixed.
sorry you and your DC have had so much loss.
My Ddad was on life support a few years ago, and another friends DH was seriously ill in hospital at the same time. We had met a 3rd mutual friend and she explained how awful she had found the school holidays because shed had flu and had had to book a weekend away to make up for the disappointment.

@Onesmallstep67
I’m so sorry for you loss, what an incredibly heart breaking situation.
The lack of empathy in people is appalling. I hope you and your kids are doing ok!

He sounds like a self-centred arse with no empathy, but on your literal AIBU question he’s not wrong that divorce and parents’ death can sometimes result in similar feelings of grief and loss.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

@User198724, @MotherMorph , thank you for your kind words. We are doing okay. For every person who shows lack of empathy and understanding there have been lovely people like you who instinctively know how it must feel. I am always dismayed and genuinely confused when others are unfeeling and unmoved by people in truly difficult times. I struggle in that respect with some threads on here.

Yes, it is comparing apples and oranges. Although divorce probably is much worse. Losing parents is a natural part of life. No one expects their marriage to break down.

Wow - what a truly shocking and shameful comment!

Sorry for your loss Op - please raise this with HR and document too. Take whatever time you need.

Even if the two were comparable, he’s being an epic dick about it all.

Wow - what a truly shocking and shameful comment

Not at all in my personal experience. I've been through a LOT of shit in my life, and xh leaving me was the thing that broke me the most.

But that's the whole point of this thread - you cannot compare between people. The worst thing for me could be the easiest thing for someone else. My dad was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I had one short cry (he's horribly neglectful and never wanted me).

PLEASE can we be kind to each other.

The comment I highlighted was not a kind comment to make to someone who has recently experienced the illness and lost both their parents.

I agree everyone’s experience is different, and we all suffer tragedy and trauma In our lives, but to describe divorce as ‘much worse’ than the loss of a parent is insensitive and simplistic, especially in this context.

That’s it from me - sorry Op, don't want to cause a bunfight, hope you get the support and time you need from your work and colleagues.

FFS. He is a complete knob.
While a divorce may be upsetting as pp have said it is not a competition.
I don't have any advice and what I'd like to say at the moment would probably get me banned for a bit.
So I will just say YADNBU.
I am sorry for your losses. 💐

I'm very sorry for your loss. I still have both my parents but have lost a sibling.

I agree the guy is an idiot but my grief when my husband left me was overwhelming. When my sister died she had no choice. I loved her and she loved me back. My ex husband chose to leave me, the ow was my friend (obviously got that wrong).

I loved them both. The betrayal was horrendous and at the time I actually felt it would have been easier if he'd died. Again I don't know the circumstances of your colleague's divorce but my grief was certainly very real

In all fairness I lost a parent a few years ago and didn’t take time off or anything. Getting divorced would be worse than that and loosing my other parent (with whom I had a much better relationship) would be worse than getting divorced.

It’s pretty common for people to assume that the feelings they have towards their parents are the norm (as you can see on this thread). It’s quite possible that he’s never experienced the kind of filial relationship that would give rise to strong feelings upon the death of a parent and doesn’t expect others to as a result. Likewise people often project their experience of romantic relationships onto others when thinking about relationship breakdowns. He might have been devoted to his wife heart and soul and may have been utterly crushed when his marriage ended. All losses are different.

@Forwardback would you be telling him to go to HR if OP said her losses were worse than his?

The conclusion here is definitely that the guy the OP knows is an appalling arse, and different losses aren’t on a comparable scale.

You can’t necessarily predict how you’ll feel in advance either (I thought I’d be happier without xh but in fact I’d cut off my arm to have him back)

Personally, I agree with you OP though I know some people for whom the involuntary end of a romantic relationship has devastated them while the loss of parents had little impact. It depends on the nature of the individual's relationships with their partner and parents.

That said, given what your said about your relationships with your parents, his statements about 'holidays' in connection with bereavement are rude.

The two are very different and so are each of you.
Personally, I did not find the death of my mother traumatic or a great loss. When my father dies there will be a lot of admin but not much heartbreak.
However, my separation is causing me a great deal of anxiety.
My ex husband will be in pieces when his father dies and is similarly struggling with our separation.
People deal with grief, whether related to death or the end of a dream, differently.
Perhaps he is not close to his parents but loved his wife very much.

Different things affect different people differently. I’ve known people at work take months off after losing a parent and others keep working. I was absolutely floored for ten days after splitting up with my ex. My friend was a state for months after her husband left. We’re all different. But the shitty thing in this situation is the bloke making snide comments and trying to make you feel bad (when you obviously already are!). He definitely needs reporting to your manager, and I’d pull him up personally - ask him if he realises how inappropriate his comments are..

I'm sure divorce can feel a bit like a bereavement, however to actually say that out loud to a person who has had an actual bereavement is a cuntish thing to do and also, even if he is right, why is he complaining about it, you covered him as well