To not want to sell the family home

[Schleich]

StbxDH and I have decided to separate. We have 4 kids still living at home. We are mid forties. He is full time and major breadwinner, I’m part time, much lower earner.

Our only assets are the family home (equity is about 25% of the house value for our 5 bed home) and quite a lot of pensions. No savings at all.

He wants kids 50:50, which I’m upset about but can’t really argue with - he’s a really good Dad and has a very flexible job, he spends loads of time with them now. He’s not doing it for the money - we’ve gone on the child maintenance calculator and he is offering to pay me 20% more than the amount he would pay if he was only having them one day per week. He’s offered to get it put into writing.

However, because we have no savings he is insisting we sell the family home to release equity, split the equity equally and buy a smaller home in a worse area each with the deposit plus mortgage. He says without doing this he will either have to rent (which he HATES - he bought a house as soon as he got his first proper job because he hates the idea of renting so much!), or buy a bedsit or small flat, which would be too small to have the kids stay. He says to get a rental big enough to house all the kids comfortably would be unaffordable (I’ve checked, and he’s right), or at the least would prevent him ever being able to get back on the property ladder. He also has a dog, which he loves, and most rentals don’t allow pets.

He knows that a court would likely give me more than 50% of the assets, and says that he is happy to give me whatever proportion of the pensions a mediator considers necessary to make it a fair settlement.

I really don’t want to move. On my relatively low salary I’ll be limited in how much of a house I can buy with half the equity (although he says I should be able to get a mortgage which takes maintenance into account). It’s likely the children will have to share bedrooms for the first time in their lives, and their ages/genders make this a bit difficult.

We did talk to the mortgage adviser and she said that that buying him out would be very difficult due to my earnings and the high price of the house, and would incur mortgage penalties which would wipe out 20% of the equity to switch to a mortgage company which might allow it (ours won’t take into account maintenance payments). He might be able to buy me out based on his income, but not if he is paying me maintenance - because I’d need the maintenance agreed in writing for my mortgage company to take into account but that would then impact on his borrowing ability!!

I suppose I just don’t want the children to suffer as a result of our decision to split up, and all I can see is them having to switch back and forth between two homes which are much to small for our big family.

I’m sure OP has been past the ‘just bored’ and explored counselling/other options otherwise they woudn’t be actively talking about Divorce.

Although the update didnt’ sound remotely acrimonious - and ‘bored’ isn’t the same as hate/dislike/don’t love. I think if you’ve been focusing on the kids who are at a tricky age school-wise, its easy to feel bored when you’re out together alone because you may only have kids as a common interest now. But if you’ve been together 25 years then thats quite a few years before kids came along. What did you do back then? Maybe you can look at whether there is anything there, or possibly accept that you will be bored but right now you’re focused on getting all the kids through school well, and once the nest is clear you can take stock again?

The timing does seem awkward for what doesn’t appear to be a split due to urgent matters.

I think the main point here is that it's not going to be simple whatever happens.

I'd have been up for trying nesting when xh and I split. He wouldn't, he'd already met someone else, and quite frankly a few sleepovers with the dc suited him a lot better than 50:50 responsibility for the life we biult.

As for it not working necause you're arounf the other person's stuff, well your stuff is mostly all joint anyway after a long marriage. I'm still in the family home and it's an absolutely constant reminder of the happy life we had. I'm doing it for the dc's stability - I was a child ferried between 2 homes and it would break my heart to do that to my dc.

I'm sorry but I think I'd encourage you to hang in there a few years. You may meet someone new in the meantime anyway (not advocating an affair!!)

*It seems that the current situation is that you are the primary carer and have worked part-time to facilitate being the primary carer and to facilitate your DH being full-time"
Or maybe it suited OP to work PT because as she said, she wanted to meet someone to have children with.

Why is it always assumed here that women who work PT do so just to facilitate their partner working ft? It makes women sound so powerless.

All the mothers I know in real life work PT because THEY want to do so. Its only on MN that mothers sacrifice themselves and only work PT to accommodate their husbands even when they could have done so with the option of childcare.

Flipping heck, all this 'Just stay with him' advice. I'm sure OP has thought it through, and isn't just going to go, 'Oh yeah, I never thought of that, I was just ending my 25 year old relationship on a whim'...

My mum stayed dinner a marriage with my dad because of me and my brother until we were in our early 30s. It wasn’t a good marriage and they get on sooo much better apart. I guess it was good in that it got us through school and uni etc, but it wasnt the kind of relationship I’d emulate.

Ballybeyondthepail how was your life as a single mum after your divorce? I think it's worth listening to those of us who made that decision, and the reality of how it may actually be.

I'd much rather a boring dh than the lonely struggle I've got now. Anyway we don't know, the OP hasn't said how much time she's spent considering it, it could be a newish thought.

If the equity is 25% half of it will give him a 10% deposit on a similar sized house and with 100k income he's likely to be able to get the mortgage for it.
You will never, ever be in that position. You need more of the equity to be able to buy again at all.

Oh-kay, explain to me then how 2 adults sharing a one bed flat part-time, and the family home part-time manage to keep their lives separate and private from one another while moving on from their relationship as a couple? Including dating other people, you know, as this arrangement is for years not short term?

They share the family home, in order to look after their kids. They each rent a one bed flat. The weeks in their own flat are their private time to date, have sex, meditate, read, make pottery, smoke weed. Whatever floats their single, child and spouse free, one week a fortnight boat.

'Why is it always assumed here that women who work PT do so just to facilitate their partner working ft? It makes women sound so powerless.'

I wasn't, I was stating a fact. Her DH didn't go PT for whatever reason she did. And her DH was able to trot along FT without having to worry about childcare, drop offs/pickups, sick days etc. I would imagine because there was another parent doing more of that sort of stuff.

And Because often, when children come along, a couple decide as a family that one of them should be around more for the children rather than having FT care for the kids.
I'm gay as it happens, so in our family of 2 mums, 2 kids, we decided that one of us should go PT. And in doing so the other mum was able to work FT without worrying about childcare as much.The PT mum does childcare bring her 'working' hours up to the same as the FT mum but half of them are unpaid.
FT mum gets paid more, has a bigger pension, and has advanced further career wise. PT mum, would NOT be working PT if it weren't for the kids - perhaps in your world it's different and women without children would actively be choosing PT work only.

This happens in a lot of families - and for whatever reason, it is usually the mother not the father who does this.

I certainly didn't mean to suggest the OP just stays with her stb ex. But a lot of marriages are under pressure now due to covid. OP didn't mention whether she or her husband were working from home and spending a lot more (enforced) time in each others company without the relief, if that's the right word, that hobbies or seeing friends offer usually.
I think it is probably very common for people who have children to feel like that's all they have in common with their spouse, especially with 4 children I doubt if OP and spouse had a lot of spare time to themselves as a couple over the years. All the focus is usually on the kids. All that said life is too short to be unhappy and marriages do just come to an end sadly.

@Ballybeyondthepail the point is that nobody, especially the OP, benefits from splitting right now.

The children need to get back to school and settled, and the world needs to get back on its feet after a global pandemic. Her dh isn't abusive, controlling, violent, or anything that makes leaving an urgency right now.

Nobody is saying that someone should stay in an unhappy relationship. Well, I'm certainly not.

But to leave now won't be good for any of them. It's madness to even contemplate it.

'
They share the family home, in order to look after their kids. They each rent a one bed flat.

Right, so these people who can't afford to buy each other out of the equity on a house can now afford to run a big family house, and 2 separate flats?

Most of the posters talking about 'nesting' here have been talking about a shared flat and a shared family home.

I’m amazed at any middle aged woman who leaves her husband because she finds him ‘boring’. In my experience the women who choose to separate do so because their husbands are selfish, spiteful and bad fathers to boot.
Personally I’d stay put for another few years and reappraise. Unless there’s conflict and tension between you it is not in your children’s best interests to separate.

'Her dh isn't abusive, controlling, violent, or anything that makes leaving an urgency right now.'

Is this honestly something that's making women stay in unhappy relationships? Well, at least he isn't beating you up, could be worse.

Is this honestly something that's making women stay in unhappy relationships? Well, at least he isn't beating you up, could be worse

Do you seriously think being a bit bored is a good reason to end a 25 year marriage and disrupt four kids’ lives?

It's a bit of a side note, but when you're in a partnership it's a lot easier to go out in the evenings to see friends, have hobbies, and generally do exciting things, as the other one's at home with the dc plus you're likely to have a bit more cash.

That's assuming you're the mum and have the dc more than half the time, plus don't have a large personal income - which can make splitting a hell of a lot easier! For me it's the lack of cash and freedom that's the killer.

Sorry my last post was quite garbled! I'm basically comparing the two lives - alone vs together. For me as a single mum it's the lack of cash and freedom that's the killer.

A PS from me, OP.

I meant to say in my last post that whatever child arrangement order you and your STBXH come up with, it is unlikely to stick in practice with teenagers. There is always something that is going to intervene (friends, sports, drama, whatever).

XH and I gave up with the idea of having an child arrangement order for this reason. Instead, the DC move to and fro as and when they fancy. DD moaned for a bit about how it's not fair when all her friends have parents who "force them to see them on certain days" and we don't do that - but in fact, it has suited her much better. There have been phases when they haven't seen their father for a couple of weeks - but then they will have a phase of spending more time with him. And they still see whichever of us they're not staying with, because the other parent still does stuff with them wherever they are sleeping.

It's possible for this to work even with an ex who is hellish to deal with in any other situation.

I'd probably have an order for primary aged children, though.

'Do you seriously think being a bit bored is a good reason to end a 25 year marriage and disrupt four kids’ lives'

Yes, not being in love with someone, or loving them, or being fulfilled in your relationship and having the only thing you like about them is that they're a good parent is ABSOLUTELY a good reason to end a relationship.
The other way to look at it is that she's given it 25 years and if it's not working it's not working for her.

Or should she wait til she falls for someone else who can fulfill her emotional and sexual needs and have an affair - would that be less 'disruptive'??

Finally... don't underestimate the awfulness of divorce, both from your point of view and that of your children. I would have put up with XH if I had "just" been bored and unfulfilled. I left him because he was abusive to our children (he isn't, now that he doesn't live with them - and if he starts down that route, they simply don't see him for a while). If you are bored and unfulfilled, there are other ways to solve this (some of them more satisfactory than others, but they are at least unlikely to mean you end up poorer in middle age than you have ever been since you were a student).

There really are some posters here who highlight why divorce lawyers do so well. Focusing on a battle to get all you can, even in the face of what appears to have been a fair an equitable parenting partnership, instead of the most important thing of all fir the children - an amicable separation.

I wasn't, I was stating a fact. Her DH didn't go PT for whatever reason she did. And her DH was able to trot along FT without having to worry about childcare, drop offs/pickups, sick days etc. I would imagine because there was another parent doing more of that sort of stuff
No more than OP could 'trot along' without having to worry about paying for the mortgage and the majority of the bills. OP said that he was involved, so it seems he might have done some of these.

My male colleagues who work FT also do some of the pick up and drop off.

You are making assumptions to suit the position that she deserves to keep the house.

And Because often, when children come along, a couple decide as a family that one of them should be around more for the children rather than having FT care for the kids
Famulies come in all kind of dynamics. Sometimes it's agreed, sometimes it's the mother who is insistent that she stays home even when the father would rather she went back ft and contributes more. Sometimes the father is happy for the wife to be home for as long as she likes, sometimes their expectation are previously agree is that they go back FT when the children start primary or secondary.

Sometimes the father would wish to be the sahp but goes to work instead because he has a higher income potential.

In the end, few wives are forced to work PT if her wishes is to work ft.

@FenellaVelour absolutely. Its quite horrifying to read.

Conveniently left out the next part of my post there @Ballybeyondthepail.

Where I said I wasn’t recommending staying in an unhappy relationship. And where I said I was referencing those things because there is a lack of urgency.

Post your agenda all you want but don’t twist my words for your narrative, thanks.