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Original poster

Competing baby shower - should I say something?

85 replies

jesusandjollof · 19/07/2020 21:40

One of my oldest friends (let’s call her Philippa), asked her best friend (Cleo) and I to throw her a socially distanced baby shower. We’ve planned a nice outdoor event for 20 guests (on a 3-acre plot of land - we know there’s still a deadly virus in the air!) Philippa's husband mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that another of her friends (Becky) contacted him to ask him if there was a baby shower being planned, and he told her that there was, and to get in touch with me or Cleo if she wanted to help as we were planning it.
Cleo sent the invitations out, and she and Becky had a lovely chat about the plans and how exciting it is that Philippa is having a baby.

Philippa sent a text to Cleo today to ask if Becky had mentioned to her that she was planning a separate baby shower (she hadn’t, and they spoke at length a few days ago). Becky has organised another shower and has invited half of the same guests (Cleo and I are not invited which is fine, but I thought it was an odd thing to do).

Cleo says it feels somehow personal, as Becky has form for almost competing for Sandra's friendship. At Philippa's hen weekend a few years ago (I couldn’t attend due to health issues), Becky completely took over and sidelined Cleo, and other friends who were there told me that whenever Cleo was out of earshot, Becky and other members of her friendship circle would call Cleo ‘shit-show’ - completely juvenile, ‘mean girl’ behaviour.

Cleo is upset about it, Philippa finds the whole thing a little awkward, and I think it's unnecessary. Would I Be Unreasonable to ask Becky what she is playing at?

OP posts:
37KAT · 19/07/2020 22:04

Good grief. Why has Sandra asked her best friends to throw her a baby shower....?
Not sure what you need to say to 'Becky'. Have you considered that Sandra could have also asked Becky to throw her a baby shower with a separate group of friends?
It does all sound rather trivial & churlish.

3cats · 19/07/2020 22:04

By the way, Mumsnetters hate baby showers, so that is probably why people are being so rude.

I think, if I were Cleo, I’d organize this party and then vow to never organize another thing for this woman (sorry confused about the names) until she stands up to the other friend. It’s all very well being passive about things, but she’s the one who is letting this happen.

Incrediblytired · 19/07/2020 22:05

Becky sounds about 12 but I don’t think you do. Her behaviour has just drawn you into the saga.
You can’t have multiple baby showers with the same guests.

I’m not into them at all but the deal is that some nice friend, we’ll call her cleo, says “hey philippa, shall I organise a baby shower? Please give me a guest list” and then cracks on. The organiser doesn’t pick the guest list.

Personally I would confront Becky. Not in a shirty way but just like “hey Becky, we’re getting really confused about the shower. Philippa saus you’re throwing one. What’s going on? Why are there 2? Shall we let you know the names of people attending ours so that you don’t accidentally invite them twice and put the in an awkward position?”

Original poster
jesusandjollof · 19/07/2020 22:05

@ScottishStottie

Yes i agree that theres a difference between not liking confrontation and just sitting back and letting one of your friends be a total bitch to the other. Phillipa needs to step up or shes not much of a friend to cleo.

But i dont think its your place to say anything to becky. You are too detached from the scenario so itll just create a big drama. If you felt the need to do something then you could have a word with phillipa and tell her that she needs to do something about this situation whether she likes it or not.

Cleo said as much to me today, that really Philippa is the only one that can put a stop to this behaviour, but I wondered if it was worth me saying something anyway, as I know she probably won't (I talked to her about the hen behaviour - Cleo being called shit-show etc. she was upset but nothing came of it).

I will talk to Philippa about it. Thank you!

OP posts:
ScottishStottie · 19/07/2020 22:06

Good luck! Hopefuly you manage to resolve it Smile

AHF1975 · 19/07/2020 22:07

I feel sorry for the poor sods who have to go to two baby showers

Incrediblytired · 19/07/2020 22:08

“Cleo said as much to me today, that really Philippa is the only one that can put a stop to this behaviour, but I wondered if it was worth me saying something anyway, as I know she probably won't”

Thing is, Philippa is heavily preggo and doesn’t need to be dealing with this shit.

Just tell Becky. You don’t like her anyway so you have nothing to lose.

Dungaree2 · 19/07/2020 22:08

Also, 20 people shouldn't be meeting up together anywhere yet, even outside.

Original poster
jesusandjollof · 19/07/2020 22:08

@Incrediblytired

Becky sounds about 12 but I don’t think you do. Her behaviour has just drawn you into the saga. You can’t have multiple baby showers with the same guests.

I’m not into them at all but the deal is that some nice friend, we’ll call her cleo, says “hey philippa, shall I organise a baby shower? Please give me a guest list” and then cracks on. The organiser doesn’t pick the guest list.

Personally I would confront Becky. Not in a shirty way but just like “hey Becky, we’re getting really confused about the shower. Philippa saus you’re throwing one. What’s going on? Why are there 2? Shall we let you know the names of people attending ours so that you don’t accidentally invite them twice and put the in an awkward position?”

This sounds great! I will do this. And also talk to Philippa as a previous poster suggested.
OP posts:
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 19/07/2020 22:10

@Teacaketotty has it spot on . You all seem so immature it’s unreal.

Monsterjam · 19/07/2020 22:12

She asked you to organise a baby shower for her? misses the point entirely

Original poster
jesusandjollof · 19/07/2020 22:12

@3cats

By the way, Mumsnetters hate baby showers, so that is probably why people are being so rude.

I think, if I were Cleo, I’d organize this party and then vow to never organize another thing for this woman (sorry confused about the names) until she stands up to the other friend. It’s all very well being passive about things, but she’s the one who is letting this happen.

I expected it. I know Mumsnet hates baby showers (I really enjoy them), but I agree that this whole thing is quite juvenile so I'm swallowing the helpful comments about why we shouldn't have babies Hmm

Thank you!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/07/2020 22:15

It sounds like whoever the mum to be is needs to step up and tell new baby shower friend to stop creating drama. It's one thing to not like confrontation and another to reinforce that bitchy drama llama behaviour is acceptable.

Equally, the whole friendship group sounds tainted with playground mean girls behaviour.

Original poster
jesusandjollof · 19/07/2020 22:15

@Incrediblytired

“Cleo said as much to me today, that really Philippa is the only one that can put a stop to this behaviour, but I wondered if it was worth me saying something anyway, as I know she probably won't”

Thing is, Philippa is heavily preggo and doesn’t need to be dealing with this shit.

Just tell Becky. You don’t like her anyway so you have nothing to lose.

This was what I said to Cleo! I have nothing to lose here. Now I'm confused about what to do!
OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 19/07/2020 22:19

Which party comes first? Your party or the other one?

If it's yours then it's not too bad as I'm sure people won't have the energy to tolerate a second tedious baby shower.

Is Becky invited to your baby shower?

It is up to Phillipa?sandra or whoever the MTB is to decide if she wants both of them or not.

3cats · 19/07/2020 22:21

I suspect Becky would twist it and make you seem like the villain if you say something to her. She'll probably say that she has been organising the shower for months and that there's no reason there can't be two showers and you are being so mean, wah, wah.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her. Is she invited to Cleo's baby shower?

Just have the shower and draw a line under things. Pregnant or not this is Philipa's problem to deal with.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 19/07/2020 22:28

Anyone else think this reads like a school exam question? 😀. I think Philippa travelled the furthest in the shortest amount of time 😀

CalmdownJanet · 19/07/2020 22:29

Look very few people actually like confrontation but it's one thing to shy away from it when you are being wronged but I think it's shit of Sandra to not just say "Nice thought Becky but I actually asked Cleo & op to sort my shower, I really only want one, I have asked the girls and I think a second one would be pretty insulting to their efforts, not to mention awkward for guests, plus I don't want to seem grabby"
Between the baby shower and the hen I'd be getting pretty pissed off at Sandra's inability to stand up to Becky and I'd be thinking Sandra was a grabby mare if I was invited to the two showers too

IJustWantSomeBees · 19/07/2020 22:30

I’m so glad you’re not rising to all the petty comments calling you immature, proves beautifully that you’re not Grin

You could say something to Becky or just leave it, either way is good IMO but I agree that it isn’t really your problem to be solving

Icantrememebrtheartist · 19/07/2020 22:31

I don’t know you have the emotional energy to bother with any of it! A group of supposedly adult “friends” calling each other names and trying to play one up against each other is awful. Not a friendship group I would want to be in.

Skyliner001 · 19/07/2020 22:33

😴

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 22:34

@Teacaketotty

I don’t think any of you are mature enough to be having babies, what a load of nonsense. This cannot be real!
Quite agree.
excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 22:34

I think the people hassling the OP are the immature 12 yos.

ContessaferJones · 19/07/2020 22:35

I don't understand all the bitchy posts here because the only person in your post acting like a right arsehole is Becky Confused she's created a really awkward situation!

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 22:35

I’m so glad you’re not rising to all the petty comments calling you immature, proves beautifully that you’re not grin

Totally agree, beautifully played OP. 👍🏼