To have picked up my DD by her request?

[PurpleThistles84]

My DD15 was having contact at her fathers this weekend. She text me this afternoon asking me to come and get her. I phoned her to find out what was wrong but she wouldn’t speak because her father was present. I then attempted to call her father but he didn’t pick up so my DH and I drove down to get her.

Once she was in the car she said she’d had a bad argument with her father. They had gone to a shop to pick up a click and collect, my DD decided to wait in the car. Her father then went to enter the shop but was refused entry because he wasn’t wearing a mask. My DD says he then proceeded to get into an argument with the man even though he had a mask in the car. Eventually he came back to the car and put the mask on but my DD said as soon as he was past the man and into the shop, he took the mask off. She said she was totally mortified by his behaviour. Once he was back in the car, he began trying to convince her he was right to do what he did stating various conspiracy theories, his rights etc etc.

My DD is autistic and is extremely socially anxious so this situation really distressed her. It’s also not the first time he has embarrassed her, in that last year her friends recorded her father stood on the high street preaching about ‘Flat Earth’.

Since picking her up and taking her home, it’s been two hours and her father has just made contact, simply to say our other 3 dc want to stay an extra night, he has not made any mention of DD15, to see if she is okay.

Oops, not sure what happened there. Sorry MN, didn't mean to post 5 times.

@IJustWantSomeBees
Yeah I suppose it's fine to push his weird ideology and behaviour onto impressionable young children. Forgive me.
Replaces top hat and respectfully leaves

I think you did the right thing, she felt upset and uncomfortable and you got her out of that situation.

I used to call my dad and he would come and get me if me and my mum had a big argument and I wanted to leave the situation. I always really appreciated that he did that for me

He’s their dad, he has a right to see them.

Actually no. She has a right to see him. He has responsibilities to her care. At 15 if she chooses not to have a relationship with him, she doesn't have to.

It's easy for people to be influenced by his refusal to wear a mask or that he's a card carrying conspiracy theorist. Putting all that aside, your daughter is old enough to decide if she wanted to stay or come home and both you and her dad should respect that. I only think it becomes problematic if the child uses this as a regular tactic any time they are not getting what they want because then it becomes detrimental to all involved.

I would have done the same OP

Why do you feel insecure about your decision?

She's more likely to be prepared to ever have contact with him again if she's secure in the knowledge that you would rescue her if need be.

All those saying it was a fuss over nothing obviously have no idea what it is like to be autistic. Being told you are making a fuss when you are suffering emotional distress is so invalidating and leads to mental health struggles.

You did the right thing. 15 is old enough to decide where she wants to be.

I think you did the right thing OP.

Is there any change he is autistic too?

My dd is similar age to yours, also ASD and her father is clearly in the spectrum too. You ex obviously has different views to you and your dd and clearly didn’t want to give in and out a mask on then made a pint of removing the mask as soon as he got in (like having the final word).

I think he should apologise to your dd, the rule is to wear a mask in a shop and if your dd is anything like mine she will get very anxious if rules aren’t broken? Yes he has different views but wearing a mask is now the law whilst entering a shop so he needs to wear one, doesn’t mater if he believes masks help or not.

@ChachiChichi Seriously, what do you want the OP to do? If you think that forcibly removing a parent from a child’s life simply because said parent has some silly/ignorant views is a good idea that is really worrying (and you’d have to remove half the population’s kids from them). My parents had some ignorant views (not related to conspiracy theories) but it doesn’t mean that they were unfit to parent me or that I would of been better off being separated from them!

Also, OP states that her DD was mortified so it’s not like he’s raising a mini flat earther. There’s also the fact that you know nothing about what he’s like in general as a parent (but the fact that he has no issue with his kid going back to mums during his contact time leads me to believe that he’s not an unreasonable parent). So either he’s a dad with some silly views that his kids take no notice of or he’s someone who is struggling with his mental health (again, not something that warrants having his children taken away).

Speak to any social worker and they will tell you that it is always a last resort to take away parental rights, and this is because so much research has shown that kids do better with their parents in their life.

I knew that if I called my parents, they would come and get me in a heartbeat. I felt safe because of that.

When DD is old enough to be out on her own, I want her to know that she could call me or DH at any time and we will always come and get her.

The situation may seem silly or an overreaction to a neurotypical adult but to a child (especially a child with ASD) it seems like the biggest thing in the world. Knowing that someone will come and get them can make the world seem like a less scary place.

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree with you and my comment had nothing to do with forcing OP’s child to see her dad against her will; my comment was in response to the suggestion that someone should have their parental rights revoked because they have some silly views.

@PixieLee123

Yes he sounds a bit nutty but he hasn’t actually done anything wrong or put DD in danger etc so I think YABU. That should have been resolved between them, DD was being oversensitive. Also Dads WILL embarrass their children, that is pretty much a given!

Oversensitive? They are in Scotland, there is a pandemic and the daughter is autistic.

@MrsTerryPratchett OP’s child hasn’t stated that she doesn’t want a relationship with him either, she just didn’t want to stay with him after this specific event took place

YANBU...all children should know they can make that call and be picked up by their parent if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Whether they are with friends, another parent, at school....they should know that they can make that call. You did the right thing.

Well done for picking her up.
I hated being stuck at my dad’s when there was a bad atmosphere between him and his new wife. I eventually ended up not going to their house because of it.

Opinion does not trump fact. Your daughter will be aware of the fact masks are compulsory and that the earth is indeed Spherical (Of sorts >being pedantic). Her father is justifying his behaviour and trying to convince her something she knows for a fact is wrong. That’s gaslighting and autistic kids don’t need that additional confusion in their lives and relationships. YADNBU by picking her up, you’re showing her that she has a safe person she can turn to when she feels unsafe and as an autistic adult I can tell you that feeling of safety and security in a relationship is invaluable

He’s their dad, he has a right to see them.

No. The children have a right to a relationship with their father. Rather different.

You did the right thing OP. Agree her ASD means it's even more important she feels safe but any child/teen should be able to ask to leave a situation when distressed, as she was. It's fundamental to helping them develop their autonomy as teenagers.

You did the right thing. Not picking her up would have eroded her trust in you as well as her trust in her father. As it is, you've taken her out of an uncomfortable situation and you can now make a fresh start next time round. Your DD will feel safer knowing that you will listen to her. And maybe your fruitcake ex will put his mask on like an adult and stop spouting conspiracy bullshit that makes his child unhappy.

So the point if the thread is what?

Her dad isn’t bothered you picked her up, your DD got what she wanted and you haven’t expressed any doubt over your decision.

Do what’s the AIBU. Or do you just want to moan about someone you had 3 children with.

Just because he hasn’t said anything yet, doesn’t mean he won’t. He is waiting to see if I am going to say anything first. I know how he works and so I wanted to check that the majority would have done as I did. I am autistic too and sometimes have very black and white views on what is right and what is wrong. He used this against me a lot during our marriage.

Thanks for the replies, I know there are questions but it would lead to huge drip feeds. My DD is happy to be home and before today she has never asked me to pick her up before. She has just started her AF tonight so I think this was a contributing factor to how upset she was too.

If your DD was in the car, how did she know about the altercation between her father and the security man? How did she also know that he took the mask off when he went back and passed the security man? Did she imagine it?

The car was parked in front of the shop. Imagine it? What a strange thing to say.