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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have picked up my DD by her request?

78 replies

PurpleThistles84 · 19/07/2020 19:01

My DD15 was having contact at her fathers this weekend. She text me this afternoon asking me to come and get her. I phoned her to find out what was wrong but she wouldn’t speak because her father was present. I then attempted to call her father but he didn’t pick up so my DH and I drove down to get her.

Once she was in the car she said she’d had a bad argument with her father. They had gone to a shop to pick up a click and collect, my DD decided to wait in the car. Her father then went to enter the shop but was refused entry because he wasn’t wearing a mask. My DD says he then proceeded to get into an argument with the man even though he had a mask in the car. Eventually he came back to the car and put the mask on but my DD said as soon as he was past the man and into the shop, he took the mask off. She said she was totally mortified by his behaviour. Once he was back in the car, he began trying to convince her he was right to do what he did stating various conspiracy theories, his rights etc etc.

My DD is autistic and is extremely socially anxious so this situation really distressed her. It’s also not the first time he has embarrassed her, in that last year her friends recorded her father stood on the high street preaching about ‘Flat Earth’.

Since picking her up and taking her home, it’s been two hours and her father has just made contact, simply to say our other 3 dc want to stay an extra night, he has not made any mention of DD15, to see if she is okay.

OP posts:
Braveheart101 · 19/07/2020 20:05

but I’m surprised you’re letting the other children stay with him when he’s clearly a total nutcase

He’s their dad 🤷🏻‍♀️ She chose to have more than one child with him. Just because he’s a bit nutty doesn’t mean he’s a risk or a danger to them.

FlapAttack23 · 19/07/2020 20:08

Would you be ok with him coming to pick her up after you and her had had a big argument about something during your contact ?

Mumoblue · 19/07/2020 20:11

YANBU.
I was cringing just reading that! Your poor DD.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/07/2020 20:15

If DS14 phoned me at any time and he was genuinely upset I'd like to think I'd always pick him up.

However, I'd also phone his Dad and talk it through, because he needs to understand why she was upset (rightly or wrongly) and also work out how to help her next time.

NorthernSpirit · 19/07/2020 20:16

YABU.

Total over reaction from her and you have jumped and undermined him.

When she’s not happy about something at yours and she rings him to pick her up - how would you feel?

Cattiwampus · 19/07/2020 20:16

I’d have picked her up, just like I would either of my two.
Rule of thumb that’s quite useful is that many children on the autistic spectrum function with an emotional age 2/3 their chronological age. So she’s distressed, embarrassed and needs to know that certain things can be relied on. Like being rescued.
She did well to deal with his stupidity, phone you and keep her control going.

MoaningMinniee · 19/07/2020 20:16

@InFiveMins

YABU. He shares different opinions to you and to her - so what?

He went into the shop and took his mask off? Fine - that's his right to do so, isn't it? Masks aren't mandatory yet, are they? (unless you're in Scotland?)

Being "mortified" by her dad removing his mask is an overreaction. I would be explaining to her that people have different views and to respect that.

OP... ' @InFiveMins we are in Scotland. '

Ex is a tit.

IwishIhadaMargarita · 19/07/2020 20:17

@Viviennemaryndud you miss where the dd has asd so this makes her anxious?

Cattiwampus · 19/07/2020 20:18

You’re going to get a gazillion posts saying YABU from numpties with no experience of girls on the spectrum. But you’re probably used to that. 🥃🍫

vintageyoda · 19/07/2020 20:19

YADNBU. Your ex sounds a little unhinged and your dd's asd anxiety means her need to feel safe must be met.

vintageyoda · 19/07/2020 20:19

YADNBU. Your ex sounds a little unhinged and your dd's asd anxiety means her need to feel safe must be met.

vintageyoda · 19/07/2020 20:19

YADNBU. Your ex sounds a little unhinged and your dd's asd anxiety means her need to feel safe must be met.

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 20:19

You did the right thing, op. Even if your daughter did over react, she desperately wanted to not be there any more and it would have been unkind to leave her. How she proceeds with her dad from now on is up to her, at fifteen she has the choice. It's a pity your ex doesn't live near enough for her to just get a bus home but there we are.

Drama over until the next time.

macaroniandpizza · 19/07/2020 20:27

You did the right thing going to get your dd

Interestedwoman · 19/07/2020 20:28

YANBU, he sounds bloody awful. Sad I hope your DD feels better soon. Flowers

ChachiChichi · 19/07/2020 20:30

He sounds like a fruit loop. What are you doing to protect your other children from this weirdo?!

crimsonlake · 19/07/2020 20:33

Not sure how she could have been mortified by his behaviour since she was sat in the car? How did she know the details of what went on in the shop since she was still sat in the car?
I do think when she is with her father he is entitled to parent her his way regardless of whether you agree or not.

Angeldust747 · 19/07/2020 20:34

YANBU - you are right in showing your daughter that she is allowed to remove herself from bad situations

lilgreen · 19/07/2020 20:35

I don’t think many parents would have done anything differently. You tried to contact him first.

Merryoldgoat · 19/07/2020 20:37

Big weed smoker??

RunningFromInsanity · 19/07/2020 20:37

ALWAYS pick up your children when asked.

I remember when I was young and stupid I was staying at a friends house and drank too much. I felt so sick, disorientated, embarrassed and I just wanted to go home.

Rang my parents at midnight and they came straight away (with a sick bucket) and took me home.

They said they could tell it was important to me.
I’ve never forgotten that if I ever really need them, they would be there, no judgement (at least not until I had slept off my hangover Grin)

AnneOfQueenSables · 19/07/2020 20:45

I'm not understanding the issue. She asked you to collect her. You collected her. It doesn't sound as though your ex tried to intervene or stop you collecting her. I wouldn't expect him to ask if she's ok. She chose to go home to her DM's. Of course, she's going to be ok.

IJustWantSomeBees · 19/07/2020 20:47

@ChachiChichi What do you mean? He’s their dad, he has a right to see them. OP has mentioned nothing that would suggest that he puts them in danger/does not meet their needs.

vintageyoda · 19/07/2020 20:48

YADNBU. Your ex sounds a little unhinged and your dd's asd anxiety means her need to feel safe must be met.

vintageyoda · 19/07/2020 20:48

YADNBU. Your ex sounds a little unhinged and your dd's asd anxiety means her need to feel safe must be met.

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