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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are you still no allowing grandparents to hug grandchildren?

72 replies

PotatoHead2020 · 19/07/2020 08:51

DH and I are basically rule followers. We’ve followed lockdown guidance to a tee from the start; as things have opened up again we have been happy to go back to using/doing them.

There are no single adults in this scenario so household bubbles don’t apply (we live in Endland): current version of the guidelines allows us to meet with my parents, indoors or outdoors but social distancing must be maintained. Still we aren’t allowing my parents to hug/kiss the children (4 and 7) because that’s the rules. They are refusing to see us if they can’t touch the children - I’ve said that’s fine, if that’s what they want but I just don’t see the rules changing anytime soon!

I guess the question for vote is: AIBU to still not let Grandparents hug/kiss Grandchildren?

YABU - let them hug
YANBU - stick to the guidelines

FWIW I should state that I have no intention of changing me mind, I just want to know what others are doing...

OP posts:

C305 · 19/07/2020 10:59

@bez91

YANBU, grandparents should want much more than to just hug their grandchildren. Communication for the child's benefit, not just their own longing. That suggests it's from a completely selfish point of view, time can still be spent with them otherwise at that age and for them all to understand the boundaries.

This totally! This completely sums up how I feel about it and find it totally bizarre that people (including my inlaws!) don't want to see our DS unless than can cuddle/kiss. The silly thing is, he's 10 months old & is having major separation anxiety from me so won't even be 'held' by DH let alone people he hasn't seen for months so barely knows😂🙄

Megan2018 · 19/07/2020 10:59

We are sticking to the rules here, grandparents visit weekly but outside as much as possible and 2m rule as much as we can (didn’t quite manage it in a wet day inside but still 1m+)

AlexaShutUp · 19/07/2020 11:00

it's completely down to personal circumstances and risk, isn't it?

Personally, I don't agree with this, and neither does the government guidance/scientific advice. It's about society as a whole, rather than your individual risk. Sadly, I think most people are looking at it on an individual level, and this probably means that lots more people will die.

NotIncandescentWithRage · 19/07/2020 11:05

@FilthyforFirth

These smug threads are so tiresome. You arent going to change your mind so why bother posting? It is so you can recieve your medal for 'winning' at lockdown.

Yes to this. You do as you wish OP, and of course you are, it just comes across as goading with the whole “I’m not changing my mind” comments.

FWIW I don’t know if I agree with your stance or not as I can see if from both POV’s.

Original poster

PotatoHead2020 · 19/07/2020 12:25

I don't really know what to say to those who thing I'm being smug or goady - I was clear from the beginning about the purpose of this thread (to see what other people are doing) and actually it has helped me to understand my parents view which I appreciate. I stated that I'm not going to change because its the truth, no point in anyone putting energy into trying to change my mind. If that makes me smug then so be it.

OP posts:

Rhayader · 19/07/2020 12:30

I went to see my dad who is a single adult but we have seen other people so I was uncomfortable with him being too close to the kids as he is late 70s. We met at his house and went for a walk together, staying about 1-2 meters apart as he is deaf in one ear so he can’t hear us otherwise! Anyway, we were being really careful, not facing him directly when talking etc and then I looked behind to see my 4 year old DS run up and hold his grandads hand.

thunderthighsohwoe · 19/07/2020 12:41

PIL look after our 20 month old four days a week anyway, so they haven’t been SD from her at all. 15 children would have been unable to return to school had they not kindly resumed their care of her.

My dad however has little regard for any kind of rules, and picks her up every time he sees her, despite there being no need and her being at the ‘wriggle to be put down’ stage of toddlerhood 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shmithecat2 · 19/07/2020 12:45

I have let my df hug my ds since you were allowed to meet one person outside... we were meeting in a park/nature reserve, my son flew towards my dad as soon as he saw him, and when he got to my dad, my dad look at me and asked 'can I hug him?!'. I had no hesitation in saying yes. We'd been isolating until then, so had my dad. It was a risk we were all willing to take.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/07/2020 12:57

I’m an older granny, and until recently dh and I saw Gdcs only at a distance, and TBH for much of lockdown not at all. Dd was worried about me and dh, rather than about her family.
Gdcs are 5, 4, and 6 months.

Just lately though we have thought sod it, and have been having cuddles again. Dd and SiL are relaxed about it now.

To be frank, although infection rates have reduced considerably, this thing is not going to go away for ever any time soon - we have to live with it.

And if that means a certain amount of risk, so be it.

I for one am not prepared to forgo all physical contact with Gdcs for the next year or two, or however long it takes for an effective vaccine to be produced - if it ever is.

Snuggles81 · 19/07/2020 13:38

We have allowed the grand parents to make their own decisions about hugging. Both are on their own so are lonely. We as adults still distanced but both need hugs from their grandchildren. We lost FIL last year so mother in law it struggling even more. Every situation is different, my personal view is that you have to do what is right for your family as well as the wider community. It's all about balancing the risk and what you are comfortable with.

Leaannb · 19/07/2020 14:42

There is something intrinsically wrong with grandparents who refuse to see their grandchildren because they can't hug or kids them. It's gross,creepy and incredibly selfish and narcisstic. No way in he'll would they be seeing my kids for a long time. Pandemic or not

Cam2020 · 19/07/2020 15:10

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating people swarming to beaches or getting drunk in pubs, but I do think some calculated risks are acceptable. It will be a while yet before I, or anyone in else in my family, would feel comfortable going to a restaurant or pub. Neither my parents or me are doing any of those things so I feel there's less risk in my 3 Yr old hugging my mum or dad (who are under 60) but is against the rules, than me going to the pub with my friends where people are realistically not going to be social distancing after a few too many beer, but which is within government guidance.

Isitbedtimeyet4 · 19/07/2020 15:23

I don’t see comfortable to vote because I really think it’s a personal choice but we have started letting the grandparents touch/hug the children. To be honest I couldn’t have survived much longer, I’m a few weeks from having my third baby with two under two at home and my husband has still been working 50/60 hour weeks, I needed the help desperately!

ECBC · 19/07/2020 16:34

Have hugged parents and PIL. However I know they’ve both been very cautious and social distanced. My child has also hugged both sets. Outside of the home we are very cautious and avoid crowds/shops/pubs as far as possible. It’s your call as parent totally

Peanutbutteryogurt · 19/07/2020 17:03

We let them hug and kiss and just be normal. But I am not a natural rule follower and think people can read the news and the guidance and make their own decisions from there.

ghostmous3 · 19/07/2020 18:41

My mum has hugged all my kids and had my 10 year old for the weekend.

I've also hugged and looked after my own little granddaughter a couple of times

Boshmama · 19/07/2020 18:56

Yep we are letting DD (20 months) hug my mum & her cousins.

Not letting her hug her great-grandparents as they are in their 80s and very vulnerable, we do see them in their house though as they are both house bound. We keep a distance and I wear a face mask.

PollyIndia · 19/07/2020 19:16

I'm a lone parent but my mum is worried - only vulnerable due to age rather than anything else - so we haven't seen her or my dad since Christmas. I'd love DS to be able to hug them but she won't allow us anywhere near her or my dad. I've always been on my own, so DS was always so close to my parents. I'm desperately sad about it, as not sure when it will change. Maybe with a vaccine... but they are 77 and 80. I miss them, and DS really does.

Newdaynewname1 · 19/07/2020 19:23

I like my parents and PIL. Kids go to school and childminders, so they aren’t going to hug parents/PIL. Not worried about the kids, but I want the grandparents to be around for many years to come.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 19/07/2020 19:23

We followed to the letter even as two bluelighted key workers with no childcare provision for a toddler, no furlough and unpaid overtime, exhausted was an understatement. BUT frankly once they said pubs were opening (I predicted as has been evidenced pissed people don't distance) I let grandparents hug DS, no one in the scenario is shielding or vulnerable though. We weren't seeing them really before unless DS was in the buggy, you can't explain to a nineteen month old, yes there's grandma who you haven't seen for nearly four months, but don't go near her....

AWryGiraffe · 19/07/2020 19:23

Our 18mo has gone to my parents for the night on a couple of occasions now. So, yes.

Oysterbabe · 19/07/2020 19:27

We're staying over with grandparents now and letting them cuddle and play with the children as normal. We've been doing this for a few weeks and stuck to the rules until then. As you say, the advice isn't going to change soon and we weren't prepared to sacrifice those relationships. My children are 2 and 4 so wouldn't really understand why grandma suddenly won't play or let them sit on her lap for a story.

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