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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you still no allowing grandparents to hug grandchildren?

72 replies

PotatoHead2020 · 19/07/2020 08:51

DH and I are basically rule followers. We’ve followed lockdown guidance to a tee from the start; as things have opened up again we have been happy to go back to using/doing them.

There are no single adults in this scenario so household bubbles don’t apply (we live in Endland): current version of the guidelines allows us to meet with my parents, indoors or outdoors but social distancing must be maintained. Still we aren’t allowing my parents to hug/kiss the children (4 and 7) because that’s the rules. They are refusing to see us if they can’t touch the children - I’ve said that’s fine, if that’s what they want but I just don’t see the rules changing anytime soon!

I guess the question for vote is: AIBU to still not let Grandparents hug/kiss Grandchildren?

YABU - let them hug
YANBU - stick to the guidelines

FWIW I should state that I have no intention of changing me mind, I just want to know what others are doing...

OP posts:
FrugiFan · 19/07/2020 08:53

I have let both sets of grandparents hold my baby and play with my 3 year old. The risks are minuscule for everyone. My child would be allowed to go to nursery, play with 20 other kids and interact with nursery workers and no social distancing. Spending time with grandparents is much lower risk so we are doing that instead.

Covert20 · 19/07/2020 08:53

We’re doing the same as you. My parents are totally happy to see us on the basis, the kids are loving seeing them. The no hugging is no big deal.

AnotherEmma · 19/07/2020 08:54

If anyone in the family is shielding or vulnerable then I could understand the caution. But assuming not I think YABU.

We have recently started seeing my parents again and they and DS (3) are delighted to see and hug each other.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 19/07/2020 08:55

In this context, I don't police my children in their own home. My in-laws have visited once and if both they and the children wanted a hug they had one.
However we are super cautious out of the home as are my in-laws. IMO the guidance is neither law nor reasonable in many ways.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 19/07/2020 08:58

YABU - If neither of you is shielding, you are not from BAME background (according to all stats they are more likely to spread it), then I would let them hug their grandkids.
Mainly for their mental health’s state.

Missmonkeypenny · 19/07/2020 08:58

We built our house on inlaws land where they live so have been living as one with them throughout so DC have been seeing them as normal.

Recently, we've been seeing my mum and the DC have been having cuddles ( 5 and 6m ), especially as DM will be looking after DS6m when I return to work and I feel its important to get him acquainted with her and her house. All GPs under 55 with no medical issues.

Original poster
PotatoHead2020 · 19/07/2020 08:59

I should say that we aren't particularly worried on a personal level, one of our children is mildly vulnerable but all the evidence points to even vulnerable children being mildly effective by COVID-19. My mum is over 70 but she is super healthy - healthier than me.

However my parents haven't been the most sensible since lockdown eased, meeting up with multiple households and not social distancing which does make me more cautious.

Mainly though we are following the rules to protect the herd, we aren't worried about our own family but we avoid mixing to protect other families.

OP posts:
Hibbetyhob · 19/07/2020 09:06

We are still keeping distance from grandparents - mainly because dh & I are both teachers, dc have been at school so we are the risk to them not them to us.

We might relax things a bit after a couple of weeks of summer hols when we’ve been far less exposed to others than currently.

Boxachocs · 19/07/2020 09:08

My children have hugged their grandparents wearing clean back to front hoodies with the hoods up! They’ve only seen them twice but done this both times.

welcometohell · 19/07/2020 09:13

My DM (60 yo, no underlying health issues) has been looking after my DC (one primary age, one toddler) as I work in a school so doesn't socially distance from them. Before I get flamed, we are normally rule followers too but the eldest wasn't allowed to access keyworker provision at her school as DH not a keyworker (although he has been working FT throughout and furlough not an option) and we couldn't find a childminder who would take them. We are still socially distancing from DH's parents though as FIL is shielding.

whatswithtodaytoday · 19/07/2020 09:14

No, because my toddler goes to nursery so we can work, and the grandparents are all over 70. It feels way too risky.

If he wasn't at nursery I probably would allow it, because we're getting very careful - no shops or pubs here!

Original poster
PotatoHead2020 · 19/07/2020 09:15

@Boxachocs that image is very funny!

@welcometohell I wouldn't flame you for that - sounds like you were doing what has to be done, I'm a SAHM and I have so much sympathy for working parents over the last few months!

OP posts:
Thisisnotataste · 19/07/2020 09:21

I worry for ny parents not my kids. So no.
I know the chances are low but the potential impact is so high. Kids at nursery but otherwise totally staying away from everyone. WfH. I just want to be able to hug my parents in the future, and protect them from this virus so we get loads of hugs. Rather than risk loosing them for one hug now

Thisisnotataste · 19/07/2020 09:22

However I have considered buying some hazmat suits for protected hugging (only half joking!)

welcometohell · 19/07/2020 09:22

PotatoHead2020

Thank you. We have had some judgement from relatives and curtain-twitching neighbours about it so that's nice to hear.

Waveysnail · 19/07/2020 09:23

One set of grandparents and we have form household bubble with them (not England) as need them for childcare. So kids have been at their house etc.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/07/2020 09:24

I'm letting my mum hug DS but she has already had Covid, she recently tested positive for antibodies. I'm not particularly concerned about DS or myself getting it.

SengaStrawberry · 19/07/2020 09:24

I’d let them do it. If it’s allowed in Scotland (which it is) and given how much more careful the government here have been about lifting restrictions than in England, I’d be comfortable with it. The chances of the kids or grandparents having it must be minuscule now.

AlexaShutUp · 19/07/2020 09:26

It's amazing to me how many people think that the rules don't apply to them, and that you are being told that you are unreasonable merely for following government guidelines. I keep seeing people say that the risk is minimal, but why in earth do people think that they are so much better at assessing the risk than the scientists who specialise in this stuff?

Ultimately, I guess it's a case of people believing what they want to believe, and being too selfish to care what happens to the rest of society if they themselves consider themselves to be low risk.

I'm sorry that your parents don't want to meet up within the guidelines, OP. You are not being unreasonable to follow the official guidance.

Soontobe60 · 19/07/2020 09:28

@PotatoHead2020

I should say that we aren't particularly worried on a personal level, one of our children is mildly vulnerable but all the evidence points to even vulnerable children being mildly effective by COVID-19. My mum is over 70 but she is super healthy - healthier than me.

However my parents haven't been the most sensible since lockdown eased, meeting up with multiple households and not social distancing which does make me more cautious.

Mainly though we are following the rules to protect the herd, we aren't worried about our own family but we avoid mixing to protect other families.

Why don't you ask your parents to get tested, then isolate until they've got the all clear, then meet up for a great big hugathon!

We did this last week with my mum. She didn't have symptoms but could still get a same day test at a centre and got the results back that evening.

I think for your kids mental wellbeing, they should be allowed to hug grandparents if they want to. ( you could always wear masks too)

WanderingMilly · 19/07/2020 09:28

No hugging allowed yet.

I have been seeing family and getting out and about a bit more, waiting for things to get back to some sort of normality and quite happy with stuff opening up.
BUT no hugging, it's a step too far. I haven't even hugged my sister or adult children and certainly wouldn't expect to be holding any grandchildren.

You can meet up in parks, meet as a household, sit in the garden and therefore see grandchildren at a distance. Given all that, what's the big deal with holding/hugging them? It can wait, it won't be forever. Play safe for the good of everyone and to avoid problems. If I had a very small baby or young children right now, no-one would be holding the baby or hugging the kids until things were much safer, although I'd happily take them out and about more now.

I can't understand all these threads by grandparents desperate to handle their grandchildren. In the bigger scheme of things, it can really wait a little while yet, it isn't the be-all and end-all of life....

SengaStrawberry · 19/07/2020 09:29

I keep seeing people say that the risk is minimal, but why in earth do people think that they are so much better at assessing the risk than the scientists who specialise in this stuff?

The scientists in Scotland who specialise in this stuff presumably think it’s OK. I’d trust the Scottish guidelines much more than the English ones, given how much better we are doing at controlling the virus than England.

AlexaShutUp · 19/07/2020 09:33

The scientists in Scotland who specialise in this stuff presumably think it’s OK. I’d trust the Scottish guidelines much more than the English ones, given how much better we are doing at controlling the virus than England.

Yes, but that's the point, isn't it? The virus has been better controlled in Scotland, and the scientists who are advising the Scottish government are presumably basing their advice on the current situation in Scotland. The situation in England is different, and therefore, the guidance is different too.

MinorArcana · 19/07/2020 09:33

No, we’re not letting grandparents hug our DC.

DH is a key worker - NHS - so there’s always the risk that he could get infected at work, and, if he gets an asymptotic case, there’s the possibility that DC and I could be unknowingly carrying COVID-19 when we see the grandparents.

I hope the risk of all that is small, DH says he’s being as careful as he can with PPE etc, but the risk is still there, so no hugging people outside our household right now.

MercedesDeMonteChristo · 19/07/2020 09:35

It’s for their sake that we tried to do the same but my parents said they were willing to take the risk and wanted to hug their grandchildren.