To be annoyed?

[losttt]

I have a dd (8) and my boyfriend of 2 years has a ds (12)

Today we went to a friend of mines bbq, it was just our 2 kids, they were inside playing and dd burst into tears, i went to check and basically they were wrestling and he hurt her so i told them not to wrestle.

Went back outside told bf what happened he said "thats the thing with him, you cant do something to him and expect him not to retaliate" so he assumed it was my dd's fault.

(She is not a rough kid)

When we got back to mine bf quietly said to me "not sure if we'll stay as ds was really upset and told me dd really hurt him and was punching him" i was shocked tbh and said id spk to her, when i did she fully admitted to everything she done and said only did it as he was hurting her and she didnt want him to anymore.

Told bf this, he just said "oh dear" and that was it. So he didnt talk to ds about it. Was like he didnt believe her.

Im just a but put out because:
a) He didnt see what happened so unfair to blame mine
b) The fact that he told me about it un such a way to make me feel bad like, they might not atay because my kid basically best his
c) The mentality - so if in future something happens while playfighting and ds gets hurt does he think thats a green light to hit her? Bearing in mind gender also bearing in mind age difference?

Am i being too sensitive here?

I'm of the opinion of if you get hurt when play fighting, if you don't require hospitalisation, I don't want to hear about it. I don't care who did what to who or why, you're all equally complicit and responsible. I think you were wrong to get involved in the first place. If you don't want to take a punch, don't throw one.

I agree with the above

That seems very unfair on your DD. I think that you and your boyfriend need to talk to the two children, first separately, each to his/her own child and then both of you talk to the two of them together. They are obviously going to spend quite a lot of time together, so you both need to sort it out and try to get them to be nice to each other and not to be rough.

Your bf is raising a straight up snitch!

Young dude started something, they exchange a bit, but then he tells on the girl to his dad?

That's snitching... like the PP said, if DS didnt want to take a punch, don't throw one. That's spot on.

The fact his dad is now affecting practised nonchalance just shows his dad is comfortable with this snitching behaviour instead of telling his son to stand up for what he did and take responsibility.

As i read mine back i realise the part about "if playfighting he gets hurt is that a green light to hit her" sounds silly, as yes, if playfighting thats the nature of the "game" which is why when i went up i told them to just stop altogether and didnt tell either one off as its equally their faults.

But it was more, if ds even accidentely got hurt rather than it being her deliberately punching/hitting him etc would he then hit my little one, that was more the concern i had, and bf seemed to condone that

If a 12 yo boy feels that it's OK to hit a 9 yo girl, I'd have an issue.

In what way was he hurting her? I would be concerned about a 12yo boy grabbing/wrestling/touching my 8yo girl.

@losttt

As i read mine back i realise the part about "if playfighting he gets hurt is that a green light to hit her" sounds silly, as yes, if playfighting thats the nature of the "game" which is why when i went up i told them to just stop altogether and didnt tell either one off as its equally their faults.

But it was more, if ds even accidentely got hurt rather than it being her deliberately punching/hitting him etc would he then hit my little one, that was more the concern i had, and bf seemed to condone that

I have two daughters and three sons. Now, if they're rough housing and Dd hits one of her brothers and he hits her back, don't care. Again, you consent to being hit when you hit.

If somebody accidentally hurts somebody else, no, we don't just get to hit them in response -the one exception being an automatic refex, in which I would expect the hitter to be apologetic - that's ridiculous behavior.

You're sticking up for your kid he's sticking up for his.

It sounds a bit tit for tat on the whole thing, but the way you and your bf handle this will set the tone for the future.

As it stands there probably won't be one because you're both really defensive about it, and now the kids know how to push your buttons and make you fall out.

You need to discuss this with your bf in private and the two of you need to put on a united front with the kids here.

Again, you consent to being hit when you hit.

I disagree - it alls boils down to whether appropriate force was used. A 12 year old is stronger than a 9 year old so shouldn’t be using full force to restrain the younger one, particularly if it’s an older boy hitting a younger girl as boys tend to be physically stronger. Both need lessons on boundaries.

@Mnhealth202020

Again, you consent to being hit when you hit.

I disagree - it alls boils down to whether appropriate force was used. A 12 year old is stronger than a 9 year old so shouldn’t be using full force to restrain the younger one, particularly if it’s an older boy hitting a younger girl as boys tend to be physically stronger. Both need lessons on boundaries.

Bull. You're doing your girls no favors by teaching them that they can do whatever they want and boys can't do anything back to them. It's a hard but very true lesson in life: if you walk around hitting people, expect to spend a lot of time in the dentist chair. There are plenty of men out there who couldn’t give a flying fuck if your Zelda Rubenstein. If you hit them, they're going to knock your teeth out.

Why are you seeing this man? He seems horrible. A twelve year old should be perfectly capable of play fighting without hurting anyone. It sounds like he deliberately hurt her.

@lukasiak you have to be proportionate in your response. If you’re a friend man you shouldn’t be retaliating with full force when someone weaker whether it a woman or a toddler punches you. Anyone who thinks being punched is a green light to let loose us likely to see the inside of a jail cell at some point.

There are plenty of men out there who couldn’t give a flying fuck if your Zelda Rubenstein. If you hit them, they're going to knock your teeth out.

There are. However, this man appears to be trying to raise one of these men. Which is why I'd be angry.

@lukasiak you’ve gone off on a complete tangent hun, frankly I feel sorry for your children if that’s your attitude.

I personally feel that appropriate force is important with children playfighting in self defence, it shouldn’t be “anything goes”. A 12 year old is old enough to know better (let alone these random grown ass men knocking teeth out). And if they don’t know better, they haven’t been brought up correctly so perhaps you should take a long look in the mirror.

@MrsTerryPratchett

There are plenty of men out there who couldn’t give a flying fuck if your Zelda Rubenstein. If you hit them, they're going to knock your teeth out.

There are. However, this man appears to be trying to raise one of these men. Which is why I'd be angry.

It sounds like @lukasiak is trying to raise men like this too!

Just to add, I don’t condone the girl hitting the boy. As I said before both children need to be taught boundaries.

[quote Loveinatimeofcovid]@lukasiak you have to be proportionate in your response. If you’re a friend man you shouldn’t be retaliating with full force when someone weaker whether it a woman or a toddler punches you. Anyone who thinks being punched is a green light to let loose us likely to see the inside of a jail cell at some point.[/quote]
No, I agree. I certainly wouldn't accept my 16 year old play fighting with my 3 year old, but for the younger ones the general rule is if you hit, you've sized up your opponent and consented to getting hit back by them. If you don't want to get hit, you don't hit back, You say no and you remove yourself from the situation. If you hit back, I don't want to hear about it when somebody gets hurt.

Wtf is wrong with this thread? They shouldn't be fighting - play or not. I don't get why anyone thinks this type of "play" is okay. It isn't. I'm one of 4 and growing up we never hurt each other.

I'm also raising independent women who own their own actions rather than thinking they can do whatever they want and when consequences come knocking put their hair up in pigtails and cry that they're just little girls.
If you're a grown woman who throws a punch, you've sized up your opponent and deemed yourself as capable of taking them on, or your an certified idiot. There's no in between.

Totally agree with lukasiak, there are some weird responses on this thread. Due to age gap, gender and the fact they aren't related, you should be making sure the 2kids don't physically fight each other. You and bf should reinforce this again and again with punishments like removing all technology etc.

@lukasiak ah, I see, I’m raising boys so I have to send very clear evaluate your relative power and don’t abuse it messages. Self preservation means very different things for men and women these days.

[quote Loveinatimeofcovid]@lukasiak ah, I see, I’m raising boys so I have to send very clear evaluate your relative power and don’t abuse it messages. Self preservation means very different things for men and women these days.[/quote]
See, that's where the lines of communication are getting blurred. I'm talking about life in general.
Boy vs boy
Girl vs girl
Girl vs boy
Dog vs dog.
If you're going to go around hitting people, do not start crying and playing the victim when you get hit right back.

Why aren't you just teaching your children not to hit??!

A 12 year old boy who is "play fighting" with an 8 year old girl deserves any punches he gets. He was also a telltale. Your boyfriend sounds a sanctimonious twit. If one of my sons had complained that the much younger girl he was "play fighting" with had "really hurt him" we would probably have doubled the punishment, Still I can't imagine either of them doing it. I wouldn't give either the BF or his son house room.