To be annoyed?

[losttt]

I have a dd (8) and my boyfriend of 2 years has a ds (12)

Today we went to a friend of mines bbq, it was just our 2 kids, they were inside playing and dd burst into tears, i went to check and basically they were wrestling and he hurt her so i told them not to wrestle.

Went back outside told bf what happened he said "thats the thing with him, you cant do something to him and expect him not to retaliate" so he assumed it was my dd's fault.

(She is not a rough kid)

When we got back to mine bf quietly said to me "not sure if we'll stay as ds was really upset and told me dd really hurt him and was punching him" i was shocked tbh and said id spk to her, when i did she fully admitted to everything she done and said only did it as he was hurting her and she didnt want him to anymore.

Told bf this, he just said "oh dear" and that was it. So he didnt talk to ds about it. Was like he didnt believe her.

Im just a but put out because:
a) He didnt see what happened so unfair to blame mine
b) The fact that he told me about it un such a way to make me feel bad like, they might not atay because my kid basically best his
c) The mentality - so if in future something happens while playfighting and ds gets hurt does he think thats a green light to hit her? Bearing in mind gender also bearing in mind age difference?

Am i being too sensitive here?

I think there comes and age where playfighting has to stop. Depending on size, maybe a 12 year old boy shouldn't be wrestling with an 8 year old girl. It's much more likely she will get hurt. That's a discussion for another time though not a bbq. I would be pissed off he assumed it was your daughter that started it, but on the other hand most parents believe the best in their kids and they must have been provoked to resort to violence.

It depends, doesn't it? Is 12 years old likely to play fight with 8 years old?
I have a 12 years old boy, he would't play fight with younger children, especially girls. But if repeatedly hit or something, he may retaliate in the end.
If 12 years old boy play fighting with 8 years old girl is norm, then that's not right at all.

I agree with those who say it is inappropriate for a 12 year old boy and 8 year old girl who are unrelated to be 'play' fighting at all. It is very odd for a boy that age to want to 'play' fight with someone younger especially a girl - unless they are brother and sister. There is definitely a possibility of a sexual element. I would ban all contact like that and have a strong conversation about boundaries with the daughter - make sure she knows you want to hear about anything that ever makes her feel uncomfortable in any situation. It might be nothing but better safe than sorry.

Your boyfriend answered without having even spoken to his son. This suggests that this happens regularly or at least before. How does the fighting start? Is it your daughter starting it? Does the 12 y old bot put up with her hassling for a while before hitting out.

Clearly the whole story is not told here. Just a slanted version.

Tell them both no fighting whether play fighting or otherwise.

It is never acceptable for a 12 year old to hit an 8 year old for a start. It is very inappropriate for a 12 year old boy to be 'play fighting an 8 year old girl.

I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship.

@PikachuAndMe im so sorry to hear this, nobody should have to experience that.

To be honest, ive never said it but that is the reason i tell them never to wrestle or play fight i just think feel its inappropriate given not related and age/gender differences. So this is a massive prompt to completely end it for good and ban it as another poster said.

Without knowing the context i suppose it can get blown out of proportion, it wasnt as bad as maybe it seems, for me it was just the element of how my bf handled the situation rather than the kids actually fighting.

I think a chat is needed about parenting styles etc and navigating this whole potential blended family scenario, to avoid any upset.

Definitely has raised a few issues for me though and our relationship which need addressing

GinDaddy, will you please shut the fuck up about “snitching”? You’re completely obsessed with “snitching” (such a childish term).

“Snitching” as you call it is a GOOD thing. We should always encourage girls and young women and all children to speak up about abuse and ill treatment. Brainwashing people with childish nonsense about “snitching” creates a dangerous culture of silence.

They shouldn’t be fighting and you’re right to say this should stop.

But you are also right this isn’t about the fighting, it’s about how the two of you deal with these kind of spats. At that age I’d probably take a “sort it out among yourselves” attitude, but when that isn’t possible you both need to agree on how to sort things. Maybe suggest you always sit down as a family to discuss it, avoids the he-said-she-said situation.

GinDaddy, will you please shut the fuck up about “snitching”

Don’t rise to it. He’s a sneery idiot who thinks he’s cool. Just ignore him.

Re. "snitching" I once read that the idea of telling tales or snitching was invented by bullies as a way to protect themselves.