To be annoyed?

[losttt]

I have a dd (8) and my boyfriend of 2 years has a ds (12)

Today we went to a friend of mines bbq, it was just our 2 kids, they were inside playing and dd burst into tears, i went to check and basically they were wrestling and he hurt her so i told them not to wrestle.

Went back outside told bf what happened he said "thats the thing with him, you cant do something to him and expect him not to retaliate" so he assumed it was my dd's fault.

(She is not a rough kid)

When we got back to mine bf quietly said to me "not sure if we'll stay as ds was really upset and told me dd really hurt him and was punching him" i was shocked tbh and said id spk to her, when i did she fully admitted to everything she done and said only did it as he was hurting her and she didnt want him to anymore.

Told bf this, he just said "oh dear" and that was it. So he didnt talk to ds about it. Was like he didnt believe her.

Im just a but put out because:
a) He didnt see what happened so unfair to blame mine
b) The fact that he told me about it un such a way to make me feel bad like, they might not atay because my kid basically best his
c) The mentality - so if in future something happens while playfighting and ds gets hurt does he think thats a green light to hit her? Bearing in mind gender also bearing in mind age difference?

Am i being too sensitive here?

A 12 year old boy should not be playfighting with an 8 year old. Not at all. At 12, kids can't really regulate themselves in terms of strength and there's a huge difference between 12 and 8.

Ban playfighting. I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old, the older one is capable of doing real damage if they play fight so it's banned.

He sounds like an utter knob. Call him and tell him that his son was hurting your dd and a ‘oh dear’ response is unacceptable.

This relationship doesn’t bode well for your dd.

Surely this doesn't need to be an issue.
Just tell them both that play fighting is no longer allowed.
I've brought up many children, make and female. They didn't play fight ( although certainly had some real fights from time to time)
Stopping all play fighting will ensure no one ever uses the excuse that they were only 'playing'

Two kids fighting, one a bit more hurt than the other. No big deal.

@juneisbustingout

Surely this doesn't need to be an issue. Just tell them both that play fighting is no longer allowed. I've brought up many children, make and female. They didn't play fight ( although certainly had some real fights from time to time) Stopping all play fighting will ensure no one ever uses the excuse that they were only 'playing'

I agree with this.

You should have separated them. Not left them to carry on

You say she admitted it but she only did it because he was hurting her, which way was he hurting her?

I think both kids are at fault, and I don’t align with your gender comments, but age and size is relevant. I also don’t align with your comment on him being unfair blaming yours because you were initially fully happy to blame his.

Bottom line is likely neither kid was being totally honest. And your daughter is “rough“ because it seems she can give as good as she gets and throw a punch. Good for her.

As to the poster going on about raising a “Snitch” ..grow up.

What a pair they are. Run for the hills! The boy is 12 so what, year 7, year 8 perhaps? This secondary school aged boy then thinks its OK to physically assault an 8 year old girl and people want to call it play fighting. He's 12 not 6 and is the age of criminal responsibility. As your bf's reaction it tells you all you need to know about his lack of respect for your DD and how he clearly thinks it OK for his 12 year old to be violent. What an awful message to send to your 8 year old that if this boy does anything to her that its OK as long as it seems tit for tat. What happens when this boy is 14 and your DD is 10? Is it OK for a 14 year old to punch a 10 year old? How about when he's 17 and she's 13? If your boyfriend doesn't take this seriously it would be a deal breaker for me. You should all be able to go out without worrying this boy will hurt your DD and it'll just get brushed off lest your bf have to do some parenting.

I'm amazed that so many people think playfighting is fine between two people of such obviously different sizes and strengths. I don't like it at all, although realistically I'd not take such a dim view if it was two people of the same sex and roughly the same physical strength.

But the world is awash with people who think it's fine to physically hurt other people because it's just 'messing about'. So many teenage girls in particular who accept being physically hurt by their boyfriends because it's 'just playfighting' and 'he doesn't know his own strength'. Just don't bloody do it in the first place and then there's no margin for misunderstanding, and no bullying being passed off as 'just a bit of fun'.

I'm amazed that so many people think playfighting is fine between two people of such obviously different sizes and strengths

Blimey. Where has the op talked about their size and strength. The fact they are male and female and a different age doesn’t mean they are different sizes and strengths, you get some tiny lads and big girls. Also it depends on hard each was hitting.

And it seems they both were hitting hard, so this wasn’t a play fight. The children had a physical fight and it seems hurt each other, and potentially the girl hurt the boy more, which it doesn’t seem the girl is disputing.

I have honestly never seen a 12 year old boy who would be weaker than an 8 year old girl.

@GinDaddyRedux

Your bf is raising a straight up snitch!

Young dude started something, they exchange a bit, but then he tells on the girl to his dad?

That's snitching... like the PP said, if DS didnt want to take a punch, don't throw one. That's spot on.

The fact his dad is now affecting practised nonchalance just shows his dad is comfortable with this snitching behaviour instead of telling his son to stand up for what he did and take responsibility.

This attitude astounds me.

Of course the children should tell an adult.

I would expect a 12 year old to know better and for him to come down quite heavily on him. I think the best approach though in your situation is a joint approach where you bring them together and tell them both fighting isn’t acceptable and get them to make up. It’s really hard when you each have a child but you need to be on the same page with discipline/behaviour or it causes resentment.
There’s some odd responses here but essentially they shouldn’t be play fighting or any kind of physical fighting

A lot of posters comparing this scenario with their own children. It's not sibling rough housing. These children are unrelated.

They simply should not be play fighting with each other. That's all. It will cause problems between them, exacerbated by the difference in age/size/strength and it will cause problems in your relationship as you will each naturally be more protective of your own child.

I think 12 is a little old to be playfighting with an 8 year old. He needs to stick to boys his own age if he wants to do that.

@DorisLessingsCat

A lot of posters comparing this scenario with their own children. It's not sibling rough housing. These children are unrelated.

They simply should not be play fighting with each other. That's all. It will cause problems between them, exacerbated by the difference in age/size/strength and it will cause problems in your relationship as you will each naturally be more protective of your own child.

I also agree with this. Step relationships much more complex.

They started fighting in someone else's house ?

Leaving aside who hurt whom, that's extremely ill-mannered. You don't start fighting, play or otherwise, when you're a guest in someone's house.

A 12 year old hitting an 8 year old is not appropriate in any circumstance. If she really did launch into an unprovoked and out of character attack, he should have come and told you not beaten her. That your bf thinks this is OK tells me one thing - get rid

I find it really odd how many posters are normalising a 12 year old boy physically fighting with an 8 year old girl. If this is what happens when they're guests at someone else's house (so should be on 'best behaviour') what is it like when they're together at home?

I'd say his attitude shouts "my kid takes precedence over yours" which doesn't bode well for a successfully blended family.
It would be a big red flag for me and I'd be seriously considering our relationship.

I would be really worried about this. Please check that there wasn't some sexual element to the 'play fighting'. From experience this raises red flags.

When I was young I remember playing with a boy and it turned into him touching me and I hit him to make him stop. I never said anything to my parents about the touching as I was embarrassed and thought that I had caused it and I would be in even more trouble. This led on to me being abused and I felt I couldn't tell anyone as they would be angry with me for not saying something sooner.

Please speak to your daughter about how nobody, let alone an old boy, should put their hands on you.

Also your BF sounds like a shit to not take his older boy to task over hurting an 8yo. He does not care about your daughters welfare and is not a good person to be with.

The sex difference does add another layer to why this isn't normal especially as they aren't siblings

None of us know, just like the parents, what actually occured. Who hit who first.

The only thing we absolutely know is these children had a physical fight. I have no idea why the op called it a play fight,it wasn’t.

And yes an eight year old can do some damage, ask anyone whose been punched by their eight year old.

I know these two aren’t siblings but my (just turned) 12 year old boy and 8 (almost 9) year old daughter are exactly the same size. In fact the girl is probably a tiny bit stronger than the older boy. He’s a very gentle boy and would also be upset if his sister hurt him during a disagreement. He would hold her away or push her off and she would probably say he’d hurt her and they were fighting. It does depend a bit on their sizes and personalities even though this pair are not siblings.
Is he much bigger than her? Is she quite boisterous and he quite gentle? Is he spoilt and just making a fuss?

@Albgo

Wtf is wrong with this thread? They shouldn't be fighting - play or not. I don't get why anyone thinks this type of "play" is okay. It isn't. I'm one of 4 and growing up we never hurt each other.

yy I hate play fighting. It’s learned behaviour. My dcs never did it until we spent a weekend with friends whose dc did. Sheesh it was tiresome- constant and sly. And took weeks to train out of them. Now they’re adults and funnily enough do it occasionally. But they all have agency and strong boundaries.