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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his money

59 replies

ithoughtitwouldbeokay · 18/07/2020 21:12

Not sure if IABU or not. DH and I have been married for a couple of years. The house we live in most of the time was 'mine' before we married, everything in it up to now has been paid for by me, including the mortgage which is now paid off. We're both middle-aged, no kids and both very financially independent. DH works abroad a lot of the year so doesn't contribute to utility bills etc as he has to pay for rent abroad and when I visit him I don't contribute to the bills there either.

I've been doing a lot of work on the owned house, totally my choice and I've been happy to pay for all of this as I wanted to change a few things. I've recently been hit with a couple of unexpected bills, both involved things which needed immediate attention even though they were unexpected. The first bill has wiped me out somewhat but I'd worked out a way to stay afloat. The second one has knocked me sideways and I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay it.

I had no intention of asking DH to contribute or even to help me out. Yes, I'm stubborn but that's just the way I am. But his comments and attitude have really hurt me. He says he can't afford to help me out as it would 'leave him short'. I don't know how much money he has but I do know that he got an inheritance a few years ago, probably less than £100k but still a decent amount. I know it's entirely up to him what he does with his money but it has raised some alarm bills in my head as I'm now thinking that he has spent all that money and I really can't see on what, apart from beer and computers.

I'm probably not wording this very well as my head is in a bit of a jumble at the moment. AIBU in thinking that either a) he has got through an awful lot of money in a few short years with nothing to show for it, or b) he is not seeing our marriage in the same way that I do when it comes to supporting each other.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 18/07/2020 21:17

Well I think you’ve clearly made a conscious decision to keep your finances separate so I don’t think you can really be upset that he has gone through a lot of his money in a short time.

In terms of supporting each other. You said you had no intention of asking him to help. He says he has no intention of helping. Sounds like you’re both on the same page.

longtimecomin · 18/07/2020 21:17

Why did you get married? Surely you know that he has a right to half of that house now whether he contributes or not? Does he have assets which you would also get half of? I hope you spent a good length of time getting to know him before marrying because he could divorce you tomorrow and force you to sell your home and essentially start again. And it appears you don't know his character well enough to say if he would or not.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 18/07/2020 21:19

DH and I have separate accounts as he has a business account as he's self employed however we're still very much a team financially he pays the rent and bills I take care of savings, holidays and childminder fee and if one or other of us needed helping out and the other had it, it would without question be handed over. I'm not sure I'd really want to be with someone who was happy to move into my property without contributing, didn't share an inheritance and then wouldn't help me out when I needed it.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/07/2020 21:21

You need to ensure your property is protected in case of divorce. Which is likely given your relationship and his apparent ability to be a twat.

LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 21:22

I honestly am confused as to how he can have gotten through that amount of money. Did he maybe use it to outright buy the house abroad, does he have a secret family. Tell him first that could he suggest a way of you getting the money , any ideas, to engage him in the conversation. If his ideas are ludicrous then tell him you will have to sell the house then after the work is done and will buy another smaller one again in your name. That as you are getting rid of one thing that means a lot to you due to deterioration then you may as well get rid of two ( point being subtly made that he can get stuffed).

PawPawNoodle · 18/07/2020 21:29

Have you tried using the power of discussion to see what's going on? He may have tied his finances up in savings/investments with not much of a current account float so would indeed be 'left short'.

GinDrinker00 · 18/07/2020 21:56

What a very bizarre marriage. Confused
I would make sure your property is protected incase of divorce - which sounds likely.

fuckinghellapeacock · 18/07/2020 22:29

Why are you married? He owns half that house whatever you think.

Climbingallthetrees · 18/07/2020 22:34

How much time do you actually spend together in the same country? Have you spent lockdown together? It doesn’t sound like he regards this as a true partnership.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2020 22:34

Sorry, but I'm another one who doesn't understand why you ever bothered to get married. There was absolutely no benefit in it for either of you, and now your assets are very much in danger. Half of everything you've worked so hard for is now his, and he isn't even willing to support his own wife.

notapizzaeater · 18/07/2020 22:37

But the house isnt just yours it's both of you so surely if it needed money he should help?

TheSparklyPussycat · 18/07/2020 22:42

If a marriage has been very short - 2 or 3 years - I think that in the event of a divorce it is more likely that each partner can hang on to the assets they had before marriage.

But I Am Not A Lawyer.

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2020 22:46
  • You don't know that he's spent the money
  • You haven't asked him to help out but he's said he won't/can't??
  • Neither of you support the other financially by choice

Why don't you look into raising a small mortgage to finish the work? And both write wills.

Bateshotel · 18/07/2020 22:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

YearOFF · 18/07/2020 22:48

I just find it a bit odd that as a married couple your finances are not pooled?

piscean10 · 18/07/2020 22:48

very bizarre setup. sounds more like business partners. but yanbu to be hurt that he wouldnt help his wife out.
Weird that you wouldnt even discuss the inheritance.

PinkiOcelot · 18/07/2020 22:56

@YearOFF amazes me that people find it off the some people don’t pool finances. Personally find it odd that people do.
However, this sounds like a very strange setup OP.

LemonTT · 18/07/2020 23:21

Why assume he spent it. He could have invested it and be unable to release it, either at all or without cost. Or gambled it or bought a race horse with it.

You need to discuss your financial arrangements as a couple together with the legal understanding of what marriage means.

You both have a lackadaisical attitude towards your financial relationship and understanding imo.

Woodmarsh · 18/07/2020 23:25

@pinkiocelot the issue here is if op pays for it and they get divorced he will still be entitled to half the house

Fedup21 · 18/07/2020 23:28

You talk about being ‘very financially independent’ yet two bills have wiped you out and you don’t know how you’ll be able to pay? What Exactly do you mean by financially independent?

crimsonlake · 19/07/2020 00:07

In a short marriage you both leave with what you brought in...how long have you been married and more importantly why did you bother and what do you get out of it?

VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2020 00:21

It's unpleasant of him not to help but hard to really judge without knowing what these sudden bills are!

Original poster
ithoughtitwouldbeokay · 19/07/2020 00:26

To make things clear, DH got his inheritance before we were married so I don't feel that it has anything to do with me. We were in a relationship but nowhere near the stage that we were considering marriage.

I'm obviously very aware of his entitlement should we split up.

I think it's up to individual couples on how they deal with their finances. As some posters have said, some pool theirs together, and some don't. If you're one of the ones who do then I don't think that gives you the right to look down on those choose not to.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 19/07/2020 00:29

Depending on the size of the bill, could you re mortgage and at the same time take steps to get something in writing so he can't anything from the house?

billy1966 · 19/07/2020 00:32

OP, kindly meant, please seek legal advice asap.

No other advice.

Please protect yourself.