Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH and his money

59 replies

ithoughtitwouldbeokay · 18/07/2020 21:12

Not sure if IABU or not. DH and I have been married for a couple of years. The house we live in most of the time was 'mine' before we married, everything in it up to now has been paid for by me, including the mortgage which is now paid off. We're both middle-aged, no kids and both very financially independent. DH works abroad a lot of the year so doesn't contribute to utility bills etc as he has to pay for rent abroad and when I visit him I don't contribute to the bills there either.

I've been doing a lot of work on the owned house, totally my choice and I've been happy to pay for all of this as I wanted to change a few things. I've recently been hit with a couple of unexpected bills, both involved things which needed immediate attention even though they were unexpected. The first bill has wiped me out somewhat but I'd worked out a way to stay afloat. The second one has knocked me sideways and I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay it.

I had no intention of asking DH to contribute or even to help me out. Yes, I'm stubborn but that's just the way I am. But his comments and attitude have really hurt me. He says he can't afford to help me out as it would 'leave him short'. I don't know how much money he has but I do know that he got an inheritance a few years ago, probably less than £100k but still a decent amount. I know it's entirely up to him what he does with his money but it has raised some alarm bills in my head as I'm now thinking that he has spent all that money and I really can't see on what, apart from beer and computers.

I'm probably not wording this very well as my head is in a bit of a jumble at the moment. AIBU in thinking that either a) he has got through an awful lot of money in a few short years with nothing to show for it, or b) he is not seeing our marriage in the same way that I do when it comes to supporting each other.

OP posts:

Shamoo · 19/07/2020 00:36

Why do people always bring out the “half of everything is now his” line as soon as somebody is married? That often isn’t true. In a scenario like this where there are no children, a short marriage and the assets were brought into the marriage, it definitely would not be the case.

OP it sounds like a tricky one as you have clearly both made a decision to keep your finances separate. And you didn’t want to take money from him anyway. Given this, are you clear why you feel so unsettled by his position?

saleorbouy · 19/07/2020 00:50

You seem to know very little about each others finances, that's fine to separate them somewhat but surely it's good sense to be on the same page. You can't assume the inheritance has been spent if you don't have the conversation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/07/2020 00:51

I think this situation is causing you concern and its telling you that you have to take a long hard look at the financial situation and make sure that you are as protected as possible. Of course it is your choice how you choose to run your financial affairs, but its not unreasonable to do some joint financial planning as you both make plans for the future. Also, since it sounds that you have both agreed not to share assets, it makes sense to protect yours so that you can maintain your financial independence which you have worked very hard for.

If he's either sitting on large sums and won't even help you out in a time of need when you have effectively been putting a roof over his head all this time, that is a bit concerning, likewise if he has run through a large inheritance with nothing to show for it - that is also concerning because eventually he could run through your assets too, especially if he is self employed.
It feels as if there's a lot that you don't know and won't know until you both sit down and talk about it. But I'd get some professional advice first.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/07/2020 00:56

Also the bit about him not contributing to bills because he works abroad.. and you don't pay when visiting, just sounds a bit off. Do you spend the same amount of time visiting the overseas accommodation as he does living at yours. Is it really equal? Just because he has to rent abroad, it doesn't follow that you should subsidise him in terms of utility bills in the UK, if you are both going for financially independent. Another reason for the legal advice before accepting his help, but also to look at how equal your contributions to joint living really are.

user1493413286 · 19/07/2020 06:07

DH and I keep our finances pretty separate; I’ve never been keen on the approach of pooling our finances and to be honest if my friends (in our early thirties) I don’t know anyone who has completely pooled their finances. However I do see marriage as a partnership and if DH or I have a particularly big big bill such as for a car repair etc then we do help each other out so I’d be disappointed at your DHs response.
I do think that it’s important to know about each other’s finances especially considering you’ve come into the marriage with a house and there shouldn’t be any reason not to ask your DH about his inheritance

Antipodeancousin · 19/07/2020 06:14

I think it's up to individual couples on how they deal with their finances. As some posters have said, some pool theirs together, and some don't. If you're one of the ones who do then I don't think that gives you the right to look down on those choose not to.

You’ve married him and given him a claim to your property and somewhere to live rent free when he is in the UK and yet he doesn’t have to contribute to the overheads. This was never a fair arrangement for you and posters pointing this out are not looking down on you.

Veganforlife · 19/07/2020 06:45

Why the hell did you get married ,he gets half your house when you divorce..yet he spent all his own money so you don’t get a penny .
That’s really not done you any favours has it
Did you not get advice on financial issues before getting married if you were keeping money separate,
as by getting married he owns half your house .
..what has he got ,
for you to own half of?..

Veganforlife · 19/07/2020 06:50

He got the inheritance before you got married ..ok
But you owned the house before you got married
You share the house ,he lives there rent free
He shares .....?
So you visit in abroad and you don’t pay towards bills ,but how often ? Half the time????

Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 06:53

So you want separate finances until you need money from him?

RantyAnty · 19/07/2020 07:00

I think an odd part of this is that you seem to not know anything about his finances. Whether you pool or not, knowing is pretty important.

Thereisalight7 · 19/07/2020 07:00

I am the same as you @user1493413286

Our finances are seperate but when DH got a small inheritance the savings bond was in both our names and if he needs me to pay for something for him I do.

@ithoughtitwouldbeokay your finances are separate but you’re also not a partnership and I would be very worried in your situation that you are being taken advantage of. More so as I couldn’t see my DH seeing me in distress and worried about a bill and do nothing never mind Blatantly dismiss it as my problem and not give a crap.

damnthatanxiety · 19/07/2020 07:09

I am concerned for you OP. IF you were to split, does he have assets or would you ed up losing half your assets to him? I hope you sorted out finances/prenup before you wed.

JeSuisPoulet · 19/07/2020 07:22

@Smallsteps88

Well I think you’ve clearly made a conscious decision to keep your finances separate so I don’t think you can really be upset that he has gone through a lot of his money in a short time.

In terms of supporting each other. You said you had no intention of asking him to help. He says he has no intention of helping. Sounds like you’re both on the same page.

This! What did you expect to happen if you became disabled or had were made redundant? Very short term thinking from both of you it seems with lack of actual discussion of the difficult topics - money is very divisive but that is all the more reason to discuss these issues before marriage.

Can you remortgage the house? Loan? Rent out a room?

I'd be tempted to sell now while the market is over inflated and downsize making sure you can legally save any money made for your retirement or as a personal nest egg.

Jinglebellissimo · 19/07/2020 07:24

It sounds like an odd set up. I get not pooling finances but to me it sounds like you’re not at all a team. What would you/he do if one of you lost your job tomorrow or suffered I’ll health?

Well it sounds like we know what he would do...

Boulshired · 19/07/2020 07:30

Deciding on pooling or having independent finances is a personal choice but both choices require communication in a marriage. I owned a house going into my first marriage and divorced pretty quickly but ended up paying a 10% of property to him. For your safety I would not want any money for structural repairs that can be deemed as adding value.

BarrelOfOtters · 19/07/2020 07:31

We have separate finances in our marriage. I was living in dh’s house before and any big expenses on the house He would Have paid for, but I had no claim in the house. Specifically said that in an agreement.

We moved, bought a house together and are spending money on it together.

But...in his house, the first one, if he’d had a huge unexpected bill, of course I’d have chipped in, supported and helped.

We are also quite aware of each other’s finances and talk about it.

I’d be worried if we didn’t.

MaxNormal · 19/07/2020 07:34

This doesn't sound like a very loving marriage at all, more like a casual relationship.

Parker231 · 19/07/2020 07:41

Managing your finances separately is one thing but you are a married couple so surely all money is ultimately family money and used to jointly benefit you both?

lilgreen · 19/07/2020 08:00

Unusual set up but each to their own. I find it strange that someone wouldn’t want to help someone they love.

HannaYeah · 19/07/2020 08:08

@ithoughtitwouldbeokay

I think most of the comments here say a great deal about how people view marriage. It’s not all about money!

I don’t think it’s a terribly uncommon thing for people who get married as financially stable adults with existing assets to keep them mostly separate.

I would be hurt and angry if I needed help in any area of my life and my DH didn’t view it as a shared problem. I think you should discuss all of the finances with him in more detail now.

I’d be expecting to hear “we will figure this out.” And other encouraging words. For me, I’d be needing/expecting emotional support as much as anything else.

Re: the house, can you take out a bit of equity to cover the 2nd issue? Repay it later?

CasuallyMasculine · 19/07/2020 08:11

@Veganforlife

He got the inheritance before you got married ..ok But you owned the house before you got married You share the house ,he lives there rent free He shares .....? So you visit in abroad and you don’t pay towards bills ,but how often ? Half the time????

Exactly - does he have an asset as valuable as a house that you have a half-share interest in?

Or does it all just go his way and not yours?

InTheWings · 19/07/2020 08:15

It isn’t a question of looking down in people who don’t pool finances, it’s a question of looking at the brass tacks if what a marriage contract actually is.

Property and money doesn’t just suddenly become joint and therefore shared out at the stage of a divorce. Marriage is a legal and financial partnership.

Tbh I would seek legal advice.

Have you got children?

I think you do need to have a long discussion about how your marriage and mutual support work, how you both see it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2020 08:23

But you don't know! You are 'assuming' he's spent his money, but he might just have it put away in a long-term investment plan that he can't get at, he might have loaned it to someone, he might still have it in the bank and just not want to let you have any.

You've pretty much based everything on an assumption that he's spending like crazy. I think you ought to establish his financial situation before you go off the deep end.

Do you want to stay married? Do you have wills that leave everything (anything?) to one another? Do you resent him having his money to do as he likes with whilst yours goes on property up keep? These would seem to be questions worth thinking about.

piscean10 · 19/07/2020 08:31

OP you would rather ask an internet forum about your husband's spending and finances than your husband himself. And you think that's not bizarre but rather looking down on you?
You can have separate finances but you have described a very weird relationship where you both seem like business partners. It's no wonder he reacted that way.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/07/2020 08:35

You've handed over half your asset to him on marriage without a) knowing how much money he has or b) expecting any contribution from him towards upkeep and maintenance of your (now) shared asset
What a foolish, foolish thing to do. Your financial arrangement would be fine if you were just partners but by marrying him you've fundamentally changed the footing without any protection for yourself, and every advantage for him, yet you still seem to think you should carry on as if you were not married. Foolish.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread