Is it possible to come back from this?

[KellyWithABigBelly]

First post but have read threads for a long time.

I am in a downward spiral with my mood and things have gone so far I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been very overweight since early childhood. I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I see. Currently BMI 39, slimmed down from BMI 43. I have spent my life since age 5 trying and failing at diets. I hate leaving the house because I look disgusting and know everyone thinks I have no self control, which is true.

I have two children, DD9 and DS7 who I do very little with, they spend most of their time watching TV. I’ve done hardly any homeschooling with them because I am too lazy/spend hours scrolling Facebook feeling rubbish because everyone else seems to be raising child geniuses.

I let them eat far too much junk because I am too lazy to say no to them when they demand unhealthy food/I don’t want to bin healthy food so give them chicken nuggets again.

I have very few friends. Those I do have I see rarely - probably because they have numerous friends other than me. I feel great when we see them, but my mood plummets afterwards.

Husband lost all interest in sex/any kind of loving relationship the moment I conceived second child eight years ago. He’s lazy and does very little to help with children/house.

I gave up work to look after children, also gave up my hobbies and interests for same reason, now I’m just a frumpy mum with no pizzazz and nothing interesting to talk about. Yet despite me being full time housewife the house is a mess because I am lazy.

I feel so low and can’t lift myself out of it to make inroads in any of my areas of failing. I feel like killing myself several times a day (although I’m not going to.) Not possible to go down prescription meds route because it would count against me if I ever get divorced.

Is it even possible to get out of this hole I’ve spent four decades digging?

Seeking help for depression will not count against you in a divorce! Millions of women and men take ADs or seek help for depression, it's no longer seen as a weakness or an inability to cope. Seeking help is seen a rational, logical and proactive step for a health problem.

It sounds like your 'laziness' is a symptom of depression. Depression sucks out energy, motivation, determination, self belief, optimism and self love.

Of course you can dig yourself out, but it would be a lot lot lot easier with help. Every journey starts with one step. One step.

You don't have to tell your husband if you don't want him to know.

OP you need to see your GP, they can help and offer suggestions which may or may not include medication. Of course you can come back from this, you have already started losing weight, why don't you start taking daily exercise? Even if it's just a walk. Some more posters with better advice than me will be along shortly but please please don't give up - you can turn this around and feel happy and healthy.

Of course. Do not tackle all of this at once though. Google SMART goals.

Whilst you may be pointing out many negative qualities I bet you have many positive ones too. You are still here which means there is still hope to give your story the best ending.

You need to see your gp. But also maybe get some counselling and learn about self- compassion. Of course you can make steps to help yourself and flourish again.

Why would it count against you in a divorce? In what way?

It sounds as if you need to see your Gp.

I wanted to congratulate you on reducing your Bmi.. that's not easy and you've made a real difference.

I hope someone comes on here with more experience and sage advice than me... I'd like to see your name change to something like "kellywiththegreatsmile"

You sound more than a little depressed and need help not judgement. It's not usual to think about killing yourself and is a warning sign to you that you need to seek some help.

Start making small changes and build up. Restart your hobbies or get new hobbies. Cook new things, start the couch to 5k with your kids (run slow), play cards with them or build a den whilst watching TV...

However, above all remember you are loved and deserve to be loved. You are not the only person who feels like this xx

Not possible to go down prescription meds route because it would count against me if I ever get divorced.

Who has told you this?

You need to see your GP first and foremost, because you are experiencing a low mood and therefore in this very negative spiral. You need help to get out of it. You don't sound like you have a break to be "you" again. Any family support so they could take the kids for a bit to give you a break? What about looking for part-time work?

I get the whole "tired to fight" because you do get very worn down by it all, but yes, you can get out of that hole.

Hi OP, yes you can absolutely make changes to your life. I’m not a psychologist (disclaimer!) but when I read your post, I felt sad because of how harshly you seem to see yourself.

If I could offer a different perspective on a few things:

You say you’ve spent all your life since 5 failing at diets. That sounds to me that you weren’t given the tools to have the best relationship with food when you were a child so actually the fact that you have already lost a lot of weight is impressive.

Most people I know have found lockdown really hard and not been able to do as much schooling as they wanted. Don’t beat yourself about that. Well done for getting through it.

Your relationship does not sound like it’s all you deserve. What you’ve done is to hold life together for your family with what sounds like little help from your DH.

You say you’re lazy but I wonder if actually you’re managing to do a lot given you are also tackling some very negative feelings with what seems like little help.

I’d also add that even posting on here is a big step.

As PPs have said, your GP can help and any medications that you may need will be taken as a sign of taking responsibility for your own mental health - which constitutes being a GREAT parent.

You CAN do it OP. And asking for help isn’t cheating - reach out to people IRL or on here for support.

Think of everything you have achieved rather than seeing yourself as falling short all the time.

I bet someone with proper advice is along soon but I didn’t want to read and run.

Is there anything nice you can do for yourself tonight? A bath? An early night with a good book? Ignore FaceBook and watch a good movie?

See a gp. Doesn't have to be meds. My first thought was counselling could help. Start to explore your options. It's tough and even harder if you try to do it alone. Good luck. 😀

I don’t agree that it would count against you and I think some cbt would very much help you; you can self refer for that and ask them not to tell your gp so it’s not even on your medical records.
However I would strongly recommend picking one thing to change first and make small goals - with your children it could be going to the park once a week or baking something with them - small and achieveable and build on it and as you feel yourself achieving things you’ll feel able to do more.
I think if you try everything at once it will be overwhelming and make you more likely to feel it is too much.

OP well done for the weight loss!

I agree, speak to your GP. They can help. I recently did online CBT through the nhs. Maybe that's an option.

Other practical things:
Try a walk outside every day for exercise and fresh air. Always makes me feel good.

Set a screen time limit for Facebook/any other problematic apps. I often ignore mine and allow 15 more mins but it does make me think.

Could you try a new hobby? How about learning to knit/crochet using YouTube. Also helpful for getting off Facebook and you can't snack while doing it. Helps me.

Thank you for your helpful comments.

I’ve had a few friends who have had it used against them in divorce because they currently or previously sought help for depression. With all three friends, the husbands’ solicitors argued that it was evidence that they were bad mothers and it impacted on custody arrangements. One even used it as the main reason for divorce, citing the wife’s unreasonable behaviour was that she was depressed.

It will also increase the price of travel insurance, make it hard to get life insurance etc, so I don’t want it on my official medical records. Are there people you can see privately I wonder, without it ending up in your records?

Of course you can come back from it. You sound very depressed but of course you can change your lifestyle.

Seeing your GP is probably a good start.

You're in a vicious circle with your weight/diet/energy levels.

Can you face making some small changes each week? I don't know something like setting yourself 3 small challenges each day. Prepare one easy but healthy meal, one piece of exercise even if it's just a walk, tidy one bit of the house.

I would say in your friends case the husband's lawyer might have tried to use it against them, but that doesn't mean that the ADs actually impacted the decision. The custody arranges may have happen exactly the same without that. The unreasonable behaviour cited could have been caused by her depression, but the behaviour would have been there regardless of her seeking help or not.

If this fear is something that is stopping you getting help, no one but you and your doctor need to know. Would you not stand a better chance of custody if you were feeling better and had the motivation and energy to be taking your dc out for activities and to change the family diet? And the strength and self belief to stand up for yourself in court?

You definitely need to speak to someone.

I'm not being nasty this is just how I speak, get your head straight then the other things will start clicking into place.

Best of luck.

OP, you sound like a lovely person and you've identified things you want to change. It's never too late. I used to be obese and I had to learn about food, and how to eat a filling and healthy diet. Its takes time. I very highly recommend Slimming World. Other people might not agree, but Slimming World got me off crapoy junk food and onto healthy carbs such as potato and pasta as part of a healthy diet. There's lots of filling and tasty food available, it teaches you to trust your instincts on whether you're hungry or not and what food is good/not good for you. I learnt lots of tasty recipes like burgers and chips, fake takeaways.

No I don't work for SW and I don't use it anymore now I've reached my goal weight but the approach and the weekly meetings resallt helped when I was moving from being obese to losing weight.

You sound depressed, try fluoxetine, it changed my life. I was really low and lazy, slob bing around and also a lazy parent, ie letting them watch what they wanted for an easy life. But fluoxetine gave me my pizzazz, I feel pretty happy now

Your post makes me feel so sad @KellyWithABigBelly but mainly as it resonates with me so much.

I'm about to attempt one final self push to get out of my funk and then I'll admit to defeat and speak to my GP.

(Slightly different situation as my low mood is related to specific life events but I've already had a course of psychotherapy and a course of CBT and whilst it helped, lockdown has really affected me and I'm back to feeling utter shit. Weight is a problem for me too and I'm eating and drinking my feelings at present!!)

I think your awareness is a good thing. You know you aren't the best version of yourself.

What do you want to work on first? Pick one little thing. Next week I'm going to be completely AF. That's my first target.

It strikes me that you mention divorce. Is this something you’ve considered? You don’t seem to have a happy relationship, and I’m wondering if that is at least contributing to your depression.

You say you are lazy repeatedly - is it that you actually don’t want to do any of those things, have no motivation to do them, or are tired and don’t have the physical energy?

There’s a lot of things that you seem to think you’re not doing but should be - weight loss, housework, healthier cooking, activities with your children...that’s a lot of guilt to carry around with you, which will only make you feel worse.

Can you pick one small thing to change? And then try and focus on the fact you’re doing one thing great rather than the things you’re not doing?

In addition, do you do anything just for yourself? If all the things you have to do are for other people, and/or because you have to do them (you have no choice), it can be hard to get motivated to do any of them. So I’d also suggest doing something just for yourself. Be it reading (not Facebook!), painting, needlework, gardening, welding, robotics, learning an instrument, anything at all that occurs to you. It might help you start to feel better about actually doing things.

I still don’t understand. I have anxiety and depression and am on medication. It has never been used against me, and has never been an issue with travel insurance

Lots of valid points, thank you.

I like the idea of working on one thing at a time to try and gradually change the downward spiral into an upward one. My three things tomorrow will be: read one book to the children; dust the mantelpiece; make breakfast healthy (supposed to be following Slimming World but have been losing a regaining the same two stone for nearly a year.) Very much baby steps and easily achievable.

Yes, I’ve thought about divorce most days for years. But I chose this person and chose to have children with this person so I can’t now turn around and decide I want something different. It might not be a great marriage but life as a single parent would probably be even worse. Plus it wouldn’t be right to break up the kids’ family. I will just have to accept that it is more a parenting double act rather than a loving relationship. (We did go to Relate for a few months and it was the worst thing we ever did - it took us from having not a brilliant love life to having zero love life, the woo woo therapist scared my husband off for life and it cost a small fortune.)

As for interests/hobbies I don’t have any any more and don’t think I want to resurrect the ones I had pre children. I don’t really know who I am apart from a mum/cook/cleaner/taxi driver/PA. I need to have a think about things to try.

Apart from having it on my medical records I’m also put off the GP route because I had depression once in my twenties and tried various drugs but none made a difference (Prozac, Seroxat and a couple of others I forget.) And even that one mention that of depression 20 years ago made it more complex getting insurance when we got our mortgage, so I really don’t want anything current on my records.

Because it’s something you have to declare when buying travel insurance, it usually puts the price up or leads to fewer companies willing to insure you. Plus if you fell off a balcony, for example, it could be easy for them to not pay out by saying you jumped because you’re depressed.

Sorry that was reply to @Choice4567

KellyWithABigBelly I feel compelled to tell you that you are special and you are loved. You keep calling yourself lazy. It's almost as if you've convinced yourself you are?

My advice is to delete your facebook account for now. Comparison is the thief of joy. Baby steps as you've said is the way forward.

If you're looking after others you need to first look after yourself. I too have felt this despair. Please PM me if you would like a non judgemental chat. Keep your chin up. You are worth so much happiness.