Is it possible to come back from this?

[KellyWithABigBelly]

First post but have read threads for a long time.

I am in a downward spiral with my mood and things have gone so far I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been very overweight since early childhood. I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I see. Currently BMI 39, slimmed down from BMI 43. I have spent my life since age 5 trying and failing at diets. I hate leaving the house because I look disgusting and know everyone thinks I have no self control, which is true.

I have two children, DD9 and DS7 who I do very little with, they spend most of their time watching TV. I’ve done hardly any homeschooling with them because I am too lazy/spend hours scrolling Facebook feeling rubbish because everyone else seems to be raising child geniuses.

I let them eat far too much junk because I am too lazy to say no to them when they demand unhealthy food/I don’t want to bin healthy food so give them chicken nuggets again.

I have very few friends. Those I do have I see rarely - probably because they have numerous friends other than me. I feel great when we see them, but my mood plummets afterwards.

Husband lost all interest in sex/any kind of loving relationship the moment I conceived second child eight years ago. He’s lazy and does very little to help with children/house.

I gave up work to look after children, also gave up my hobbies and interests for same reason, now I’m just a frumpy mum with no pizzazz and nothing interesting to talk about. Yet despite me being full time housewife the house is a mess because I am lazy.

I feel so low and can’t lift myself out of it to make inroads in any of my areas of failing. I feel like killing myself several times a day (although I’m not going to.) Not possible to go down prescription meds route because it would count against me if I ever get divorced.

Is it even possible to get out of this hole I’ve spent four decades digging?

There are lots of other aspects to your post that PP have very ably addressed. So I am going to say only well done for reducing your BMI by 4 points - that's absolutely awesome. How did you do it? I do t mean precisely what did you do, I mean how did you make a plan and stick to it? Because if you can make that big a change to your life, you can do it again, or in another area. Do it again! Good luck x

Setting three things to achieve today: clean my car (looks like a rubbish bin); walk 11k steps; deep condition my hair.

I just want to say when you said in your OP how you do nothing with the kids and they have far too many screens then explained your worst day, it was very different to what I imagined. A walk every day and the kids playing outside is sometimes more than I achieve with my 6yo DD.

You've inspired me to come up with my own 3 for today. Hope you don't mind me joining in. Clean rubbish from car (also a complete tip) and sort and bin it (I end up with bags in the hall for weeks ), sit and chat with the girls over lunch (usually hide as desperate for a break) and go for a run (doing it with friends and been putting it off last 3 days)

Good luck with yours.

Also, I'm on anti depressants and the difference in me is night and day. More positive, less teary and snappy. We don't really holiday abroad so no issue there and especially as you're not bringing in an income I'd say mental health is more important than worrying about insurance.

You don't look disgusting, please dont say or think that. Every woman in this works is beautiful in her own way. I'm sure your husband thinks you're a superstar, so dont put yourself down.

Here's a bit of my health story:

I'm currently bmi 41 and nearly fainted when I saw it. I'm currently pregnant but that's besides the by. I'm probably around a size 18 and have always been comfortable with a 14 but after having 4 children, currently expecting 5th, I dont know if I will ever get my body back. My husband thinks I am perfect the way I am. Am very lucky to be called sexy and beautiful everyday
He cant stand it when I put myself down too. But I have due to my mummy tummy and cellulite.
I walk a lot and dance for exercise. I do eat a mix if fruit, veg, meat and snacks and the odd goodie. Usually chocolate twice a week as I used to be really bad. I'm currently 4 months pregnant and I have zero appetite at the minute so I wouldn't be surprised if I go for my next weigh in at the hospital and it says bmi 20 lol because I am literally living i
On a bite of toast here and I kid you not, half a ritz biscuit because that's all I can manage. I've been told I am morbidly obese by midwives and consultant. The term sounds so hideous like I am a massive hippo, whom gets their clothes from rent a tent. I'm actually happy being curvy and my husband loves my hour glass shape. I'm not wobbly or shobobbly but due to the risk of heart disease and a complicated labour I'm trying to watch what i eat and exercise more. I was going to try and lose weight but that's not exactly recommended when you're pregnant. So still just be exercising safely and eating well during this pregnancy and wait til I have the baby to try and drop some weight. I'd love to get back down to a 14. I naturally have a big bum and wide hips and a small back so any smaller that 12 wouldn't suit me. Interestingly, after I have my 4th child my bmi went from 41 to 35 literally a few hours after I delivered.

Here's some things to look at to her you going:

Dont beat yourself up over your weight! Its not going to go anywhere unless YOU do something about it and that you are consistent too!!!!

Dont let your kids eat crap, dont let them hound you for any unhealthy snacks. Buy a mix of treats and healthy snacks. Keep it in the middle. Try finding less sugar biscuits and low salt crisps.

Start buying In more fruit.

Stop feeling lazy and start saying, you know what I am gonna change and when my husband sees me more motivated he will change and start helping.

Teach your children. It's your job to educate them also. I've always believed education starts at home. I home school my 4 year old as he didn't go to preschool and I'm always teaching my kids even years before coronavirus. Not because they're geniuses but to give them that extra boost. School doesnt teach them everything. Set targets and lesson plans for every week.

Limit TV time to evenings. Play board games and word puzzles. Use your time with more rewarding things. Learning about world cultures, play scrabble, go for walks, monopoly, games in the garden. You really have to be careful with tbh nowadays. A lot of it is crap with adverts becoming more filthy too. No idea what twerking has to do with toothpaste, Colgate!!!!!!!

Make sure u do housework every morning. After cereal, we are all chipping in. My two eldest kids are 7 and 12 and they help and pitch in. My 12 year old can pretty much do everything. Bins out washing, polishing, hanging up laundry, programming the washer. All kids should help with chores.
I teach my 4 year old and 2 year old also to pack away their toys and put rubbish in the bin. It helps them to grow up doing that and not to be messy.

Explain to your husband how you feel.

Snap out of this feeling no good. You are good. Write a list of what you want to change about yourself. What you like about yourself. And a schedule for everyday to keep you on track.

Dont binge eat on junk food because it makes you more sluggish or sick either on a sugar rush.

Look after yourself and dont put yourself down. Stay strong and positive and just try and do things to the best you can.
God bless

Go to your GP maybe get medication. They can also get you free gym sessions. Start taking you children to the park and for long walks. Exercise will also help your mood and your children. You don't want them to end up like you do you.( depressed about their weight ect ) maybe go swimming as a family once a week and start ordering healthier food. Only you can help yourself but most importantly help your family too, you don't want the cycle to continue. Your marriage will get better too if you start doing things as a family and you will help yourself too.

You don't have to never eat a burger or anything again but if you have it as a treat make it from a chicken breast with salad ect and cut down portion sizes.
Let us know how you get on. X

OP many many people take anti depressants and declare them on health insurance etc. It has never caused me any issues and does not increase premiums significantly nor has it ever led to me being refused insurance. They have however helped me.

@Di11y Did you achieve your three goals? I got mine done yesterday which made me feel good (but goal setting often backfires for me because if I don’t achieve it I feel worse than if I hadn’t set a goal in the first place.)

I had my first counselling session a few days ago and feel an awful lot worse. Perhaps counselling isn’t what I need. It was very much focusing on why I feel so bad. Dwelling on issues has made me think about them constantly ever since - I feel incredibly low. Is it a case of counselling makes things worse before it makes them better. I’m not sure whether to try another week or not.

@KellyWithABigBelly

Thank you for your helpful comments.

I’ve had a few friends who have had it used against them in divorce because they currently or previously sought help for depression. With all three friends, the husbands’ solicitors argued that it was evidence that they were bad mothers and it impacted on custody arrangements. One even used it as the main reason for divorce, citing the wife’s unreasonable behaviour was that she was depressed.

It will also increase the price of travel insurance, make it hard to get life insurance etc, so I don’t want it on my official medical records. Are there people you can see privately I wonder, without it ending up in your records?

The government changed the law a few years ago, insurance companies are no longer allowed to charge masses extra. We used to pay about £70 extra for a family member with a medical condition but we don't now, it's just included in the standard policy. Also, if you really wanted you could choose to exclude a specified condition from insurance so if you had depression you could miss it out with the full knowledge of the insurance company if you were comfortable that you wouldn't need cover on holiday.

I'm not sure of other people's experiences but when I had counselling I felt like the sun was shining out of the top of my head when I left. It was hugely comforting and a relief to open up. I have had a bad counsellor, though - they seemed almost irritated by me.

Others may have had ultimately good results despite not feelinf good aboyt rhw first session - hopefully you'll get some more views on here. You might want to try someone else.

OP you have done amazingly to have dropped your BMI by 4, that must be 20lb! Try to focus on the positives, and like PPs have said, change one thing at a time. Right now it looks like you have a mountain to climb but just look at it as a series of little slopes. Each day do something towards it, keep moving in the right direction, and celebrate your achievements however small. We all believe in you, you can do it!

@Palavah I expected the same - that at the end of the counselling session I’d feel at least ever so slightly more hopeful, if not a lot more. I wasn’t expecting it to leave me feeling in absolute despair.

I’ve decided not to have another session with this counsellor. I can’t afford to pay for something that makes me feel so much worse. Maybe it would eventually make me feel better, but it’s an expensive risk in the meantime.

I’ve contacted another counsellor to see if they have availability. Maybe it’s just a different approach that I need. Or maybe digging up every bad thing from my entire life before now isn’t helpful for me, whereas it may be for other people.

Btw I agree with a PP about changing your username - i even changed my password on my computer to something affirmative!

Suggestions:
Action for Happiness
The Feeling Good Handbook

Both include exercises for you, so you could start to self-help. Doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from counselling /ADs, but helps you to embed coping strategiea which is what you need to feel better longer-term.

Please reconsider speaking to your GP and getting a referral/taking ADs. Think of hwat you could gain in terms of life and happiness if you felt better about yourself. And what you stand to lose if you carry on feeling as you are. Isn't it a false economy to avoid something that could help you recover?

My understanding is that taking ADs/getting help for depression won't count against you by itself, but not treating /getting help could count against you if it means you are struggling to function properly.