Is it possible to come back from this?

[KellyWithABigBelly]

First post but have read threads for a long time.

I am in a downward spiral with my mood and things have gone so far I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been very overweight since early childhood. I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I see. Currently BMI 39, slimmed down from BMI 43. I have spent my life since age 5 trying and failing at diets. I hate leaving the house because I look disgusting and know everyone thinks I have no self control, which is true.

I have two children, DD9 and DS7 who I do very little with, they spend most of their time watching TV. I’ve done hardly any homeschooling with them because I am too lazy/spend hours scrolling Facebook feeling rubbish because everyone else seems to be raising child geniuses.

I let them eat far too much junk because I am too lazy to say no to them when they demand unhealthy food/I don’t want to bin healthy food so give them chicken nuggets again.

I have very few friends. Those I do have I see rarely - probably because they have numerous friends other than me. I feel great when we see them, but my mood plummets afterwards.

Husband lost all interest in sex/any kind of loving relationship the moment I conceived second child eight years ago. He’s lazy and does very little to help with children/house.

I gave up work to look after children, also gave up my hobbies and interests for same reason, now I’m just a frumpy mum with no pizzazz and nothing interesting to talk about. Yet despite me being full time housewife the house is a mess because I am lazy.

I feel so low and can’t lift myself out of it to make inroads in any of my areas of failing. I feel like killing myself several times a day (although I’m not going to.) Not possible to go down prescription meds route because it would count against me if I ever get divorced.

Is it even possible to get out of this hole I’ve spent four decades digging?

Absolutely second deleting social media. I deleted Instagram for this reason and my mh went right up (I keep fb but that's because I use it mainly for one Mum's group).

It sounds like it's time to re-explore yourself. Try your hand at a few simple hobbies from puzzles to writing (make a short course at city lit or other crafting type thing). Aim to try 1 thing every week until you find one that sticks. Trashy crime novels have been getting me through lockdown. Whatever works.

Weight classes got me out of my funk last year. Full body, hitt type classes are much more enjoyable for me than jogging. The instructer is lovely and I got a community of girls out of it, we're all v different and not super close but nice to broaden network.

Find something both you and kids enjoy. My dd5 likes it when I read Beano with her or National Geographic for kids. I find it interesting as well. I've started getting her games I don't mind playing with her as well 😂

You have so much going for you. I hope you lean into the light.

This may not work for you at all but I can relate to some of what you say.

For me, everything seems to go better if I’m working part time.
I get social interaction with my colleagues which lifts my mood.
It encourages me to look after my appearance a bit.
With what I earn I can pay a cleaner, although I like the idea of not working and how I could then have a lovely tidy house, I know in reality I would not make good use of the time and the house would not be in a good state.
I don’t want to use the word lazy but I do feel similar about myself often and definitely find it hard to get motivated with cleaning and tidying then before long it gets overwhelming.
So for me, working and earning so I can pay someone else to clean, and then that makes me tidy up for her each week - that really helps me.

Plus I’m not happy with my body or eating habits but I recently started getting my nails done properly once in a while. Sounds silly but it really makes me feel better about myself.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I fully expected to be slammed for being a lousy parent and wife.

I’ve done the three things I said I would today: read the children a story, dusted the mantelpiece, ate a healthy breakfast. I wouldn’t have done any of those if I hadn’t promised on here that I would, so it made a difference.

I really like the idea of trying out a range of hobbies until I find something I enjoy. I really don’t know who I am anymore as a person beyond being a mum, so it might take a while, but I need something that’s just for me.

I looked into CBT in my area and didn’t find anything much (the people I did find were very hippy, which wouldn’t work for me) but will have another search as there may well be stuff available via zoom that doesn’t need to be local.

Tomorrow’s pledge to start an upward spiral: play a board game with the children; have a healthy breakfast; clean the glass on my living room windows. That seems doable.

I like the idea of working on one thing at a time to try and gradually change the downward spiral into an upward one. My three things tomorrow will be: read one book to the children; dust the mantelpiece; make breakfast healthy (supposed to be following Slimming World but have been losing a regaining the same two stone for nearly a year.) Very much baby steps and easily achievable.

This is fantastic ! I'm rooting for you. Tonight get the kids bathed and in bed, you have a bath or shower, brush your teeth, put some face and body cream on. A little pamper will make you feel a bit better about your self, start tomorrow as a new day, if you feel a bit crap in between doing these things tomorrow let your self feel it and then move on from it and do the next thing dont allow your self to get stuck in the negative feeling, you will feel a sence of achievement once you've completed your list and it will give you a little boost.

Good for you op.

When you're feeling low even the smallest thing can feel exhausting, but also a big achievement when you manage to do some things.

Another thing I find helps when I'm struggling to know where to start, is to set a timer. I read somewhere that anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. So you could set a timer for 15, 20 or even 30 minutes, and do something that needs doing. I like blasting some music to help me along.

Good luck op. You can't change everything all at once, but longer term, you could say have made some better routines by September, then some more by Christmas.

What does an average day look like with the children? As someone with a parent with mental illness please do go to the GP. Preconceived ideas about ADs and insurance/divorce are not an excuse to avoid getting the medication or support you might need to function well for your children. They love you and need you. They will know something isn’t right.

Firstly, well done on reducing your BMI.

I've never had any problems with insurance and antidepressants. Yes they ask but so long as you haven't had to cancel a holiday because of depression then it makes very little difference.

You need to get help, if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your DC. Are you really happy to have a miserable existence just because you might want to divorce or you might have to pay a few extra pounds on your insurance?

Your constant reasons for not seeking help are symptoms of depression. It's hard to make the inital move, I know, I've been there. However, once you get your MH on an even keel, you'll be better placed to sort out the things out that make you feel better.

My advice would be to take things one step at a time. Talk to your GP and start taking medication - they may make you feel more anxious for the first few weeks but after that, some of the fog will start to lift. You'll then feel better able to cope with the DC.

Do you have a picture of where you want to be? Maybe it's divorced, a job, training. Taking control of your MH is actually going to put you in a better and strong position and, let's be honest, is your lazy good for nothing DH going to want to take on single parenting?

Set yourself small goals on the way to the bigger changes. Goal number one is to speak to your GP and be totally honedt about how you feel.
Go on, you know it makes sense. You can do this, one baby step at a time.

Do you want your kids to think this is what a healthy relationship looks like, OP?

I was depressed when I was unhappy in my marriage and I thought about divorce most days too. I bet you'd feel better if you got rid of him.

I'm currently digging myself out of similiar hole OP, it's tough going but I'm feeling better. Some things that have helped:

Delete Facebook and Instagram; comparison really is the thief of joy and it's scary how much time you end up spending on there.

Go for a walk every morning. Having a routine and getting a bit of exercise has really helped. Sometimes I really don't feel up to it, so I set a time goal of 15 minutes on my samsung health app, and tell myself that's all I have to do, 9/10 I carry on for much longer. If I do miss a day, I try not to beat myself up about it, but try to make sure I go the next day.

Cleaning is similiar; when I really don't feel up to it, I set myself a timer of 10/15 minutes, put some music on, and tell myself I can stop after the timer goes off, most of the time I carry on.

The Organised Mum Method is quite good for making cleaning seem more manageable, I did the boot camp fairly recently.

If you have spotify, I have found the podcast "the anxiety toolkit" quite useful, especially for learning about self compassion.

You are bravely taking action to try to change your life. Good for you. I very much doubt you are lazy at all - it sounds like you are a bit stuck and overwhelmed. That’s not laziness. Perhaps you need some guidance to reflect on your sense of self and what that means to you. It’s not selfish to look after yourself and learn how to enjoy life and be happy. Investing time and energy into yourself is also an investment in your children. Have you considered psychotherapy? Some offer discounted sessions to low income clients. You don’t need to go through your GP. Therapy might be helpful in helping you understand why some things have been hard for you and help you develop your sense of self and equip you with the tools needed to instigate the changes you need.
With the right support you can change the direction of your life but longterm changes take time and there will be ups and downs. GP’s aren’t always helpful and medication isn’t for everyone. But please persevere to find your way forward - you deserve to be able to enjoy who you are and what life has to offer.

It sound to me like you are depressed, but also aside from that you have a very low feeling of self worth. You say you don't want to leave the house as you look disgusting or that you have no self control.

The simple fact of the matter is that 99% of people are not drop dead gorgeous, and for the most part that is not genetics. Most people are either overweight, have sun damaged skin, acne, a bad haircut or any number of things.

Most people realise once they leave their teens that their is more to life than being attractive, and they accept that for every person judging, there is another person who either doesn't notice, or can empathise.

If you can forgive yourself, with counselling perhaps you can work to restore your self esteem and learn to love yourself. You are worthy of being loved no matter what the voice in your head says.

Once you've made headway into your feelings, I think you will be in a better place to work on weight loss if that's important to you, as well as working on other things that are important to you.

As a side note, I know you said antidepressants are not an option for you, but they've really helped for me. Perhaps you could speak to a solicitor about them as it seems odd to me that they would hurt you in a divorce. Full disclosure: I have no idea what I'm talking about regarding divorce law.

First - find someone to talk to about this like your GP.

Second - Set yourself small goals

Third - How about you make up your own diet that suits you? For example I find eating smaller meals more frequently helps. I don't really watch what I eat in the week but when it's Sunday I have to have a Sunday roast and if I break that then I have to do something to make up for it - so I wont buy chocolate cake next week which I usually have after my roast dinner.

Fourth - Maybe try doing some steps around the house for a bit, picking up things of a certain colour and putting it away (I also find that music helps)

Just small, tiny goals make the difference, I know you've got this and I wish you the best of luck :)

Thinking of you again today, after posting yesterday. You sound so lovely and smart and interesting but you have just got stuck. But keep going. Even if all you change for now is sticking to the list you have been setting yourself that’s an excellent start - not only because the things you are doing are good things but also you are learning what it is like to create new habits and persevere.
You can turn your life around.
You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Other posters have offered some great advice.
It’s hard when you aren’t part of an active supportive social circle (like a lot of people!) but I was thinking about how you could help yourself keep going - maybe you could write an anonymous blog and share your journey?
Anyway, good luck. You can do it. You deserve it. You are worth it!!

Can I just add, the change in cost of travel insurance is minimal. Seriously minimal. I had to take out insurance for my family and my depression GAD Hypertension and asthma only added on £1.50 to the amount we paid.

Also, your husband doesn't need to know that you're on medication for depression. Don't tell him.
Hopefully it will work. I'm the same antidepressants haven't helped me much. But try and get a routine going and start concentrating on things that make you happy.

Make a plan to leave in 6 months if it doesn't seem better with your husband.

A lot can change in 6 months.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

KellyWithABigBelly I feel compelled to tell you that you are special and you are loved. You keep calling yourself lazy. It's almost as if you've convinced yourself you are?

My advice is to delete your facebook account for now. Comparison is the thief of joy. Baby steps as you've said is the way forward.

If you're looking after others you need to first look after yourself. I too have felt this despair. Please PM me if you would like a non judgemental chat. Keep your chin up. You are worth so much happiness.

Thank you, that’s really kind. I will message (once I figure out how to do that!)

@SonEtLumiere

But I chose this person and chose to have children with this person so I can’t now turn around and decide I want something different.

Course you can.

OP, If I could add one thing to your list for tomorrow it would be to get out for a walk. The exercise brings together a mood enhancing effect; when you are moving you aren’t snacking; the kids won’t be on screens and it creates an appetite for healthy food. It also helps you to sleep better which helps the following day to be a good one too.

You’re right - on days when I don’t get out into the fresh air I definitely feel more down. I have been out for long walks with the children the past two days and know I’d feel worse than this if I hadn’t.

@Sailingblue

What does an average day look like with the children? As someone with a parent with mental illness please do go to the GP. Preconceived ideas about ADs and insurance/divorce are not an excuse to avoid getting the medication or support you might need to function well for your children. They love you and need you. They will know something isn’t right.

On my worst day, the children would have about four hours of YouTube, two hours of playing in the garden, an hour of reading, a couple of hours of them playing together, plus time sitting chatting with them/making their meals etc.

On better days (like today), about five hours out of the house on a day trip, about three hours of that was walking, plus picnic. About two hours of YouTube when eating breakfast and dinner. Two hours of playing in the garden. Chatting with them in the bath/while getting ready for bed.

I agree that that’s way too much TV.

*Unchartedsea

Therapy might be helpful in helping you understand why some things have been hard for you and help you develop your sense of self and equip you with the tools needed to instigate the changes you need.*

I’ve taken the plunge and contacted a CBT counsellor to see if they have availability.

Today I spoke with a CBT counsellor and am going to start weekly counselling sessions on Friday. We’ll see how that goes. I’m hoping to reverse the downward spiral without the need for the GP.

Well done @KellyWithABigBelly!

I keep thinking I'd like to try CBT, but all the counsellors I've found round here are doing phone/video sessions only, and I feel uncomfortable about doing it over the phone for some reason. Will yours be face to face?

What were your three things today?

@Peeta the counselling is going to be online - I’m not sure anyone around here is doing face to face yet either. Although if they were, both people would have to wear masks and that might not make for a very relaxed relationship.

I still haven’t achieved my three things from two days ago (haven’t done the board game) and feel really crap about that.

Don't be too hard on yourself, tomorrow is a new day . I didn't leave the house today and am feeling a bit crappy about it, but tomorrow I will make myself go for a walk tomorrow.

You sound lovely and kind op, but not someone who extends that kindness and compassion to themselves. I'm glad you did the three things though. Can you think of three things for tomorrow but this time I include one just for you. It doesn't have to be big, I can be something like 'wash my hair and brush it after.'

I crap at first too OP. I don't do much exercise either. If you go to your GP don't tell your DH. There is nothing to be ashamed of taking antidepressants. Millions take them and it helps them cope.

Well done for loosing some weight. I know how hard it is to do. You are better at diet than me. Try taking kids on a walk every day. It does not have to be far.

Getting kids out and about more will tire them out and they will sleep better. Make Friday pizza or nuggets night. Other days cook chicken breast or salmon. Could you afford a cleaner for 1 hour a week? It would make you feel better if someone vaccumed house, steam mopped bathroom and kitchen and wiped down work surfaces.