Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL gift..

72 replies

Tunnocks34 · 18/07/2020 19:02

Ok so brief backstory..FIL (now deceased) was an alcoholic. Generally not violent, but was on occasion which was witness by DH as a child. He was more of a water as DH puts it. MIL kicked him out, but he’d get drunk and turn up at DH school etc. SIL seems to remember this as her dad turning up at school, making her laugh. DH vividly remembers him being drunk, wearing urine soaked trousers and DH got bullied and laughed at due to this. SIL stayed in sporadic contact with her dad (although she would often complain about him being drunk, or unkind), DH refused all contact from age 7.

Anyway, FIL died. OH wasn’t particularly bothered. He hadn’t seen him in 20 years. SIL was devastated. Fair enough - it’s not up to us to judge her grief.

Anyway, today she brings me and OH round a picture. It’s an A1 canvass, which is basically my three sons, merged onto a picture of her daughter and dog, with a massive picture of FIL with wings (in angel form) behind them, basically embracing them. It’s fucking monstrous.

DH has said he doesn’t want it, she’s calling us ungrateful and has called DH all sorts of names. I said perhaps we accept it, and store it under the stairs and just put it out when they come round (monthly) DH is adamant we’re not having it, SIL knows he had no relationship with FIL so even if the canvas wasn’t disgusting, he wouldn’t want it anyway. I mean..we’re not unreasonable surely?

OP posts:
OohKittens · 18/07/2020 19:04

YANBU

milienhaus · 18/07/2020 19:06

That sounds quite something Shock ... I think your DH has got to be the one to decide this one, and if he says no then I would support him. Does she have a matching one??

Thehop · 18/07/2020 19:06

YANBU

SpeedofaSloth · 18/07/2020 19:06

Blimey, YANBU at all.

Tunnocks34 · 18/07/2020 19:07

@milienhaus yes she does! She’s got a colour version and we’ve got a black and white version. I think your right, I’ll support DH decision completely.

OP posts:
FrugiFan · 18/07/2020 19:08

That sounds pretty niche even if FIL was a loving and close father. Given the history is is absolutely bizarre and grotesque.

forrestgreen · 18/07/2020 19:09

I think it's an odd photo. My fil was a nice guy but if that turned up at my house I'd be thinking it was odd.
You let her grieve the way she wanted, she should do the same for your dh.

romeolovedjulliet · 18/07/2020 19:10

sound hideous tbh, but it might burn well Grin but it is down to dh as it was his father. did sil have it made specially ? put down to the fact she's grieving and thought it was a nice gesture. on the grounds her mind was unbalanced Smile

DiscBeard · 18/07/2020 19:11

Omg that sounds bizarre. And hideous.

Please post a photo of it.

Lordamighty · 18/07/2020 19:12

I’m with your DH, just refuse the damn thing. Why would you want to go through the charade of putting it on display once a month?

BananaPop2020 · 18/07/2020 19:12

Is it wrong that I want to see this?

Tunnocks34 · 18/07/2020 19:12

Yes SIL had it commissioned, FIL died three years ago however so this is completely out of the blue as well.

I half think maybe she bought one for herself and they gave her a black and white one free or something which she’s given to us. I just can’t imagine why she’d go and get this made for DH. He didn’t even go to his funeral!

OP posts:
romeolovedjulliet · 18/07/2020 19:13

sorry, but a photo would be interesting although it would be outing and i am, being insenstive it has to be said.

nervousnelly8 · 18/07/2020 19:13

Wowser. YANBU

katy1213 · 18/07/2020 19:13

That really is a monstrosity. Even if you had a close relationship, as an objet d'art it's in appallingly bad taste. I'd say thank you, but you know we didn't like the man and we can't accept this. If she tries to go home without it, make it absolutely clear that you'll be leaving it out for the binmen.

Atadaddicted · 18/07/2020 19:14

So if she’s calling you ungrateful - you’ve already told her you don’t like it?

Mummyshark2018 · 18/07/2020 19:15

Your dh should get to decide but I think i wouldn't want it. Do you have any other photos of FIL around your house? I think your SIL is a bit delusional tbh.

Atadaddicted · 18/07/2020 19:15

So really too late to back track

WHat would you say - you suddenly like it?!

Tunnocks34 · 18/07/2020 19:16

@Atadaddicted yes DH has told her he doesn’t want it!

OP posts:
Tunnocks34 · 18/07/2020 19:16

I meant the AIBu as were we/was DH unreasonable to refuse the gift..

OP posts:
Allthebestusernameshavegone · 18/07/2020 19:16

My mum passed away 4 weeks ago and we’re completely devastated but if my sister turned up at my house with something like that, I’d think she had lost the plot 😂

Atadaddicted · 18/07/2020 19:16

In that case - it’s done

You can’t back track and nor should you

So just - move on? She doesn’t sound like any loss

KingofDinobots · 18/07/2020 19:18

Please don’t post a photo - however you feel about your FIL and the picture, it’s obviously meaningful to your SIL and you really don’t want a bunch of mumsnetters mocking it.

My husband has had difficult relationship with his father - I always follow his lead. It’s up to your DH. If he says the photos not staying then it’s not.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/07/2020 19:24

Not unreasonable to decline this. Stuck by your dh.

CalmdownJanet · 18/07/2020 19:32

Tabby, besides the fact that the picture itself sounds hideous and tacky, the back story with their relationship makes it a terrible gift!! I would say
"You can have the photo back or we will get rid ourselves. We are not grateful for the gift of a photo of a dead person that we did not like posing with our children who never knew him. Sorry but this gift is bizarre, not well thought out and if that makes us ungrateful so be it. I cannot see how you thought this was a good idea, it's actually very insulting though we appreciate it was not meant to be"

Swipe left for the next trending thread