SIL gift..

[Tunnocks34]

Ok so brief backstory..FIL (now deceased) was an alcoholic. Generally not violent, but was on occasion which was witness by DH as a child. He was more of a water as DH puts it. MIL kicked him out, but he’d get drunk and turn up at DH school etc. SIL seems to remember this as her dad turning up at school, making her laugh. DH vividly remembers him being drunk, wearing urine soaked trousers and DH got bullied and laughed at due to this. SIL stayed in sporadic contact with her dad (although she would often complain about him being drunk, or unkind), DH refused all contact from age 7.

Anyway, FIL died. OH wasn’t particularly bothered. He hadn’t seen him in 20 years. SIL was devastated. Fair enough - it’s not up to us to judge her grief.

Anyway, today she brings me and OH round a picture. It’s an A1 canvass, which is basically my three sons, merged onto a picture of her daughter and dog, with a massive picture of FIL with wings (in angel form) behind them, basically embracing them. It’s fucking monstrous.

DH has said he doesn’t want it, she’s calling us ungrateful and has called DH all sorts of names. I said perhaps we accept it, and store it under the stairs and just put it out when they come round (monthly) DH is adamant we’re not having it, SIL knows he had no relationship with FIL so even if the canvas wasn’t disgusting, he wouldn’t want it anyway. I mean..we’re not unreasonable surely?

She is bonkers. You are not.

I would probably except and then it would gather dust in the loft or something. Sounds a bit Weird. (regardless of relationship with fil.)

Is it wrong that I’m laughing?!

Is anybody else just picturing Joe Exotic's tiger murals with Trevor's floating head? That's what it is, isn't it, Op?

Sorry I'm just coming back to say I've just realised her copy is the colour version of the one she gifted. So even destroying yours means there is still the picture of your children in FIL's angelic embrace in her house. If I was your DH that would upset me just as much. I'd have to go NC (having torn it off her wall and destroyed it in front of her first). She can do what she likes with her own DC but leave yours well out of it.

Your DH is very much NOT being U.

Your SIL is out of order. Artwork like that is a very personal thing and to commission a monstrous size image of a man she knows your DH had such a bad relationship with is quite shockingly cruel of her imo.

Support your DH 100% in this.

Your dh isn't unreasonable at all. Don't put it in the cupboard and get it out monthly, stick it in the bin.
Aside from anything else, it sounds incredibly tacky

This sounds bat shit. YANBU. Who wants that in their house?! Especially under the circumstances

I agree 100% with your dh. You need to support him in this. Let him give it her back.
Would so I appreciate a gift like this with her abuser on it? I doubt it. Your dh might need help in expressing his feelings. Also there is no such thing as a non violent/ occasionally violent father. It's like saying he wasn't a rapist all the time, he only raped her/him 4 times.
I'm quite disgusted actually.

To add if it were me, and I was your dh, I would take it off sil and burn it in front of her.
Perhaps she needs help.

Glad you are supporting your husband
How bloody dare she try and inflict how she feels onto you
Every time your husband looks at it he will remember how humiliated he was
Put it straight in the bin & tell her to fuck off

Maybe it would make a canny dart board?

Burn it on the bbq or something.
YANBU. She should of really considered your DHs feelings before doing it, it’s borderline stupidity.

My sister would do something like this. Similar story.

Every year she’d post crap on FB and they’re be and outpouring of sadness from her friends

One year I just posted about his drinking and wife beating and if everyone still felt sad? She stopped posting.

Ha - our cleaner keeps bugging us about getting a wedding photo of ours done up like her daughter did - a canvass print, embellished with diamantés, and "Love is forever" in swirly writing in the sky.

Hell, we've discreetly put a painting by DHs much loved gran where we can't see it. She's very talented, I just wish she'd taken a moment to look at literally everything else in our home and paint us something that matched (which she's perfectly able to! she has lovely paintings she's done which are very much our thing, and instead she painted us something where the style and subject matter are very off putting to sit looking at).

Yes I think given the circumstances I'd be really annoyed she's used pictures not only of me in a situation that I'd avsolutely hate but of my children too.

Is she stupid - how on earth could she not have realised that this was completely inappropriate? Is she trying to make her brother and father make up in some unmet childhood need?

I'm another who has a lovely relationship with parents but would be horrified at this. Even without the issues, it's not up to her to decide how you grieve or remember your dead relatives. With them, it's obviously 100 x more not okay.

If it's still in your house I'd suggest to your H that he destroys it in a way he sees fit and absolutely stick to your guns.

I think we’d struggle to find a spare wall space big enough for an A1 canvas that had been sprung on us, even if we liked the picture!

YANBU to refuse the picture though.

I agree with kingdomcapers. Not only would I not want it, I'd be incensed that she had a copy with my kids in it. Why not chuck in Princess Di for good measure? Ghastly.

How very weird that your SIL thinks there is any chance in the world that your DH would want this. If he hasn't seen his father since the age of 7 and didn't go to his funeral, it must have been utterly obvious that there was no chance whatsoever that he would want this.

If she is slinging insults at you and your DH, it's worth pointing out that it was pretty bloody offensive to think you would want your children in a picture with a violent, abusive man, let alone one suggesting he was protecting them.

Even if he had a lovely childhood, it sounds like a very weird thing to want anyway. Bloody horrid tbh

Even if he'd been a loving grandfather that sounds really hideous. Your DH isn't unreasonable and I wouldn't be thrilled at someone using my child's photos to create artwork we hadn't discussed even if it was tasteful.

Maybe this is where some of that freaky weird artwork on get on Facebook marketplace originates from.

No that's horrible for your DH, Support him. This will stir up lots of hurt for him. I don't know what your SIL was thinking when she knows he's NC.