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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to an aged parent?

73 replies

SmudgeButt · 18/07/2020 13:55

MiL is mid 90s. And she lives with us. She wants all doors closed, all the windows shut and the heat on. Ok - I get that she's just sitting in one spot all day - but she's in a closed room herself with a blanket over her and the temperature in the room is 25 to 30c.

I can't cope with heat so I want things open and blowing through. It doesn't need include her lounge but everytime she gets up to wander about she shuts everything and turns the heat on again. We're in a 2 bedroom bungalow and our gas/electric is over £200 a month even in the summer. I mention this not that I care about the ££ (well I do but she can pay for it) but just to give an idea of what it's like.

(& don't say it's not for long, she has much older siblings)

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 18/07/2020 13:58

YANBU if it's your house, it's your rules. Do what you want. She'll just have to put an extra jumper on and have a blanket. Like you said, she can have the heating on as much as she likes in her own room.

BeeFarseer · 18/07/2020 13:59

Definitely not being unreasonable. Is it genuine discomfort in her part that makes her do it, or do you think it's habit?

Besides the fact it must be uncomfortable for everyone else, it's creating the perfect conditions for damp and mould if the house isn't ventilated.

Would she accept it if you said you were concerned about those things?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 18/07/2020 14:00

Your house = your rules. One house can’t be all about the 1 person, if other people live there as well. Plus especially at her age there is a risk of her over heating

Floralnomad · 18/07/2020 14:01

Get her a mini heater / fan heater or similar and shut her in her room with it .

Sexnotgender · 18/07/2020 14:01

I’d tell her she’s welcome to have her room as warm as she likes but she can’t heat the whole house like that.

PinotAndPlaydough · 18/07/2020 14:03

Could you get her an electric blanket or a small fan heater?
I would hate to have all doors and windows shut and the heating on in the summer (I don’t even like it much in the winter).

Blueemeraldagain · 18/07/2020 14:04

Does she understand/remember what you’ve said or is it stubbornness? My mother is 70 and keeps her house in a similar way. She has severe dementia and just has this “need” for it to be warm all the time. I don’t quite know why but she can afford it and it keeps her happy (and I don’t live with her...)

Topseyt · 18/07/2020 14:06

I was going to make a similar suggestion to Floralnomad. Her own heater in her own room.

I think some very elderly people do feel the cold where the rest of us do not, but you cannot let her dictate what must happen in the rest of your house. It is something I notice now with my parents, who are frail and in their eighties. They heat their house to tropical temperatures and if I have been there then I am always relieved to get back to my own house to cool down.

Baaaahhhhh · 18/07/2020 14:10

There is an irony though, that they often complain they are cold, but then when the weather heats up, they can't bear it, it's too hot - my DM just likes to complain I think.

IwishIhadaMargarita · 18/07/2020 14:14

Mil wears thermals in summer so I think older folk feel colder. Although my mum doesn’t seem as bothered (they grew up In freezing homes as well with no central heating). Just keep turning the heat down/off (can you deactivate it somehow).

DelphiniumBlue · 18/07/2020 14:17

I do think old people feel the cold more - my mum, now 80 and not completely sedentary has been wearing jumpers right through the spring and summer up till now - I find her house unbearably hot, and she complains if she's at mine and there's a window open.
The only solution I can think of is that she keeps the door shut in her room and has it hot as she likes but if she's in the rest of the house then she has to put on another jumper.

Goingdownto · 18/07/2020 14:19

I think she needs her own heating source so her room can be toasty while the rest is cooler. Not very economical, but she probably does feel it differently.

damnthatanxiety · 18/07/2020 14:26

Get her a heated blanket. My mum is the same. When I went to stay with her I literally could not cope. 30+ degree heat (not in the UK) and all her windows closed and a heater on. I felt actually sick. Didn't heat that I was menopausal. I had to sit outside (in the 30+degree heat but it was better as there was a breeze).

JoleneExotic · 18/07/2020 14:30

Heated throw and an electric blanket for her bed. 25 is reasonable, 30 is a bit warm! But airflow is non negotiable!

CannibalPanda · 18/07/2020 14:30

Not unreasonable at all. Her age doesn't exempt her from considerate house sharing.

I feel the cold terribly and my solution (as well as dressing warmly) is to have a hot water bottle on the go. In a nice thick furry case the heat will easily last half the day from one kettle, is wonderfully warming and it can move from room to room with her. Perhaps try this as well as the other suggestions for keeping her own room warm?

Maybe soften the blow by presenting her with a fluffy hot water bottle, lovely soft jumpers to layer, sheepskin slippers and ask her not to close windows other than her own or put on the heating in future.

Quarantimespringclean · 18/07/2020 14:32

My MIL is similar. And care homes are always very warm. Is there a reason why older people Need to be kept warmer.

TimeWastingButFun · 18/07/2020 14:35

Oh dear! That must be stifling. Could you get her a heat pad, one of those small things she can put on her lap? And maybe one of those wireless controllers for the heating that you can hide somewhere!

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 18/07/2020 14:35

YANBU.

She can have a heater in her room and keep the door shut. Its ridiculous of her to expect the entire house to be like a sauna just because 1 person likes it- what about everyone else?!

She sounds v v selfish, sorry and it doesnt matter that she's 90 odd. Selfish is selfish, no matter the bloody age.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/07/2020 14:35

Old people feel the cold but she cannot make everyone else uncomfortable (nevermind the heating cost!). Thermals are the answer, Uniqlo do some good ones. Layer them up with knitwear until she is warm enough. Thermal polos are good with a thermal vest underneath, thermal leggings under trousers and tights and socks.

If her hands get cold, then cashmere fingerless gloves from Turtle Doves are good, they also do leg and wrist warmers. Elderly people, especially women feel the cold in their extremities more.

You are not unreasonable to say no to closing the windows and leaving the heating off, but you would be unkind not to help her find a solution to her coldness what doesn't involve staying in her room next to a heater.

LightgreenBanana · 18/07/2020 14:40

Buy a heated over blanket, Lakeland do some lovely ones, expensive and fabulous

Kep the rest of the house cool. Invest in French doors to the garden for your room, and turn all radiators off, if you can’t do that, get new valves installed

fluffiphlox · 18/07/2020 14:46

How about a care home? They’re always tropical.

Ellie56 · 18/07/2020 14:50

Older people feel the cold much more. That's why you see them all still wearing coats when they are out in the summer, and why it's so hot in care homes.

I would suggest some warmer clothing, some blankets and a heater in her own room.

bringincrazyback · 18/07/2020 14:51

@fluffiphlox

How about a care home? They’re always tropical.
For fuck's sake.
CardsforKittens · 18/07/2020 14:57

A couple of layers of cashmere can make a big difference if you/she can afford it (with heating costs like that maybe worth the investment?). Soft and lightweight and very warm. More practical than heating the house to 30 degrees perhaps.

crimsonlake · 18/07/2020 14:58

It is a strange one as you sometimes read the elderly do not feel the cold and that is why we have some deaths over the Winter months of the aged dying of hypothermia.
Likewise others seems to be cold even in the middle of a heatwave.
I agree she needs her own heat source, however if she really is at the later stages of dementia no amount of discussing it will filter through, she simply will not understand.