AIBU to say no to an aged parent?

[SmudgeButt]

MiL is mid 90s. And she lives with us. She wants all doors closed, all the windows shut and the heat on. Ok - I get that she's just sitting in one spot all day - but she's in a closed room herself with a blanket over her and the temperature in the room is 25 to 30c.

I can't cope with heat so I want things open and blowing through. It doesn't need include her lounge but everytime she gets up to wander about she shuts everything and turns the heat on again. We're in a 2 bedroom bungalow and our gas/electric is over £200 a month even in the summer. I mention this not that I care about the ££ (well I do but she can pay for it) but just to give an idea of what it's like.

(& don't say it's not for long, she has much older siblings)

@Quarantimespringclean

My MIL is similar. And care homes are always very warm. Is there a reason why older people Need to be kept warmer.

Older people's autonomic nervous system and thermoregulation often do not work as effectively as when they were younger. This is why older people are more prone to both hypothermia and heatstroke.

@alreadytaken

you are not being unreasonable but she needs her thyroid checked. As she is sitting all the time, ask the gp about compression stockings as she probably has very poor circulation.

No she doesn’t. She’s just old, ffs.

Can you get a heating system that you control from your phone? Take her out of the equation

Yanbu, less you live in Antarctica.

Yanbu, your house and your rules. I wouldn't tolerate it.

*unless

Just because someone is old doesnt mean they dont also have treatable medical conditions. Hypothyroidism is common in the elderly, probably under-diagnosed and can cause other problems too. www.btf-thyroid.org/older-patients-and-thyroid-disease

As an example of how older people feel the cold more ... I used to accompany my parents when we visited my grandparents, thirty years ago. My parents would always moan about how warm my grandparents kept their bungalow, and later my grandmother's flat - really warm, positively stifling. Now, years later, I find myself moaning in exactly the same way when I visit my parents - over the years the temperature on their CH thermostat has crept up, and their house is now too warm for me. I'm sure it's just an age thing.

@Bishybarnybee

There is some serious lack of understanding of older people's needs from some of the posters on here. Which is not to say you are being unreasonable - it's very hard to live with. Looking after your 90 something MIL is a tough gig.

But she is not being selfish here. It's just what she needs. She needs the house unreasonably hot. She probably needs the TV unreasonably loud.

And it's not going to get any easier. When she starts wetting herself, it won't be to annoy you. When she gets fussy about her food, it won't be to wind you up.

Old age is tough. And it's tough on family. Even tougher if it's not your own parent. You probably need to have a long think about whether it's realistic to find the huge reserves of love, generosity and resilience needed to do it with at least a modicum of good grace. And if not, you probably need to start exploring other options.

Well said. I really hope all the nasty twats on here spouting "your house, your rules" end up freezing in their own DIL's houses, when they're old. It's fucking miserable to feel cold, especially when you're too frail to move around much. As usual the hatred of old people on MN is really disturbing.

Not aimed at you, OP, of course it's reasonable to want the rest of your house cool in summer. But you need to get your MIL a heater or whatever she needs to feel warm. She is not doing this to annoy you - she is cold. One day, you will be the same.

There is some serious lack of understanding of older people's needs from some of the posters on her

I completely disagree. Loads of people in this thread suggested heated blankets, a heater for her room, cashmere gloves, thermal underwear etc etc All very sensible solutions.

Those are good ideas and they dont involve everyone else in the house suffering and electricity bills so high you practically need to remortgage to pay them. That isnt sustainable for anyone and other people in the house have rights to be a comfortable temperature too.

In the summer, put the heating on at 30 degrees and turn off most radiators except your mum's plus the bathroom. Turn the radiator thermostat down on the one in the bathroom.

For autumn/winter put an electric blanket on your mum's bed, provide an additional heater (perhaps an oil-filled radiator or an oscillating fan heater) in case she needs it warmer. Also suggests she layers up with fine merino wool vests. Job done.

Elderly aunt is always cold and constantly moaning about any open doors/windows. She feels the cold because she only wears 1 layer (refuses thicker socks or cardigan), doesn't move abput much but also has kidney failure which apparently makes you feel very cold. The only way she copes is to keep her layered up (although she hates it), her room warm (with additional heater and heated blanket even in summer), and sit her down out of a draft.

But she is not being selfish here. It's just what she needs. She needs the house unreasonably hot.

No, she doesn't. She needs the room where she sits all day to be unreasonably hot. She does not need the rest of the house to be the same.

I suggest that you give her extra heating sources in her room and remove/tape over/lock the thermostat.

How good is she about listening to you? Apart from this, obviously.

At her age she probably feels cold all the time. Try to bare with it. X

Buy her some thermals and a draught excluder for her door

She's being selfish. I'd tell her

She sounds like me!!!

Thanks all for your comments - it's reassuring.

Yes she has a heater in her lounge. It's on full blast and it feels like walking into a blast furnace (at least I think it does never having actually walked into a blast furnace). but if she goes to the loo the door is left open with the heat filling the rest of the house and the tv blaring a ear bleed level. when she returns from the loo she rarely fully closes the door....

yes she wears thermals year round and jumpers. I like the idea of cashmere but would need to hire a laundry service to wash them as she spills food at every meal despite having a napkin up under her chin. M&S faux cashmere is machine washable at least.

can't put a fridge or kettle in her room. the fridge isn't needed as she never drinks anything and might just reinforce her idea that that she was cold and she couldn't be trusted to use a kettle.

she only moves between her bedroom, her lounge and the shared downstairs bathroom. we're lucky in that the downstairs consists of 3 rooms (2 lounges & a dining room) as well as her bedroom, the kitchen and the bathroom.

as for her becoming incontinent....that is easy enough to clean up, unlike what she has occasionally tracked around the rug on the bottom of her slippers.

Thanks for letting me blow off steam.

God and to think I've recently told MIL she can live with us if she ever needs to!

Oh and she is a bit forgetful at times but doesn't have dementia per se.

when we've discussed leaving the doors and windows open to get a breeze through the house she says she learned to always close them during the war and so can't get out of the habit. This is also the excuse she uses when she says she doesn't need to wash or change her clothes "we didn't do that during the war!"

I'd rig up some contact alarms on her door. They only stop when the door is shut. That might encourage the door closing habit and keep her room warm, bills down, stops her heating the rest of the house...

Furniture in front of windows so she can't reach to close them??

😁

My grandparents were like this. It would be a really hot summer and in their house the heating and the fire would be on, all windows closed. We would all fight to go stand at the back door for a few minutes. I almost fainted once.

I would do as others suggested, let her have her room as warm as she likes, but explain that everyone else has to be comfortable too