AIBU to say no to an aged parent?

[SmudgeButt]

MiL is mid 90s. And she lives with us. She wants all doors closed, all the windows shut and the heat on. Ok - I get that she's just sitting in one spot all day - but she's in a closed room herself with a blanket over her and the temperature in the room is 25 to 30c.

I can't cope with heat so I want things open and blowing through. It doesn't need include her lounge but everytime she gets up to wander about she shuts everything and turns the heat on again. We're in a 2 bedroom bungalow and our gas/electric is over £200 a month even in the summer. I mention this not that I care about the ££ (well I do but she can pay for it) but just to give an idea of what it's like.

(& don't say it's not for long, she has much older siblings)

Housecoat for when she leaves her domain?

Kettle and frudge in her own area to cut down on her need to come into the rooms with ventilation?

I sympathise with you OP. Our house is much nicer for having all the big windows and doors open all the time rather than just the little windows because we're all out all day.

Have you taken her to a doctor? Her iron may be low or something. I would also recommend you buy her some merino thermals.

I’ve got one of these. Door wedges and ‘do not touch’ sign on the heating controls.

My dear grandmother is 97 and she is always cold, even when its 35+ degrees. She wears wool and cashmere sweaters in the middle of the summer so your MIL may be experiencing the same. I second what PP said about getting her a small heater for her room.

Have you spoken to her about this?

If so, what does she say?

Do you think she's got dementia? People who have can often get fixated on something for no logical reason. How is her health ?

You say she has her own room- is this a living room or a bedroom? Surely she doesn't need to wander around much- maybe the toilet and kitchen?

My late father felt the cold a lot in his 90s but he had various health issues that contributed to that.

Are you aware of any health issues?

Funnily, my MIL is the complete opposite!

I'd get your DH to make it clear to her that her room can be warm via a nice room heater, but the house will be aired out and the heating system will be off in the summer months. Wasteful and unfair to everyone else who lives there.

Can you tell us a bit more...noticed you said she had her own living room yet the house you are in is a 2-bed bungalow.

So is she in a kind of bedsit in your home, or does she have 2 rooms- her own living room and her own bedroom?

If she's in her nineties then she probably does feel cold all the time. Our neighbour, who we used to pop in to help sometimes before she passed away, was 96 and her house was like a sauna - I feel the cold terribly and it was hot even by my standards.
But you can't be expected to live in those sorts of temperatures yourself obviously, they'll be causing you great discomfort.

Clearly her room needs to be that warm but I agree she needs to pop on something to come through to the rest of the house. Maybe a compromise of shutting the window if she's through though - drafts are probably miserable for her.

My Dad can have on a vest, long sleeved brushed cotton shirt & thick woolly jacket-I'm down to a tshirt & still too hot, but you can't crack a window open without him feeling a "draught" around his neck!

30 degrees is insufferable for most of us. She needs to stay in her room with the door shut if she wants that. When she wants to leave the room, she needs to put on lots of clothes.

how does she cope in winter?

I think older people generally do feel the cold and as I always feel cold myself I have sympathy for them! But there's no reason why everyone else should suffer - she could have a heater just in her room and keep the doors shut. This is what my granny used to do.

It was a J-O-K-E. Crikey. I’ve got a 91 FIL myself - fortunately he lives independently.

Some people get cold due to medical conditions. My preferred temperature inside is 22 degrees, anything less and I feel cold.

Her age doesn't exempt her from considerate house sharing

This ^^

Some excellent ideas for addressing this upthread, but if she's living with you she can't possibly be the only one whose needs matter

Medication can also affect how people react to temperature. My DH feels the cold much more now he is on medication after a heart attack.

Just a thought, but has she been tested for occult hypothyroidism - it is very common in older people.

YANBU. She can have the heat however she likes it in her lounge, but she doesn't get to dictate for the rest of the house.

Have you tried a cosy electric heated lap-blanket (can be worn as a shawl or cape)

www.win-health.com/beurer-hd50-cosy-heated-cape.html

Just tell her to have her room as she likes it, but she is not to touch the thermostat or windows in the rest of the house or she can get her own.

Tell her they keep care homes nice and warm

Some of the posters are being incredibly ignorant. Very old people do not have the same capability to control their body temperature as younger people, this kind of thing is very common. I do understand it must be very annoying though, I’d hate it. Let her have her room as hot as she likes, just make it clear the rest of the house is off limits, just bear in mind it feels freezing to her.

@Quarantimespringclean

My MIL is similar. And care homes are always very warm. Is there a reason why older people Need to be kept warmer.

Yes, you feel the cold more as you age. I got really angry at my parents’ care home one day. The residents kept asking for windows to be closed and the staff kept opening them. I pointed out to the manager that, as they were paying £1k+ a week to live there, the residents were entitled to determine the temperature/draught level.

Obviously that isn’t the case when you’re living in someone else’s house.

you are not being unreasonable but she needs her thyroid checked. As she is sitting all the time, ask the gp about compression stockings as she probably has very poor circulation.

There is some serious lack of understanding of older people's needs from some of the posters on here. Which is not to say you are being unreasonable - it's very hard to live with. Looking after your 90 something MIL is a tough gig.

But she is not being selfish here. It's just what she needs. She needs the house unreasonably hot. She probably needs the TV unreasonably loud.

And it's not going to get any easier. When she starts wetting herself, it won't be to annoy you. When she gets fussy about her food, it won't be to wind you up.

Old age is tough. And it's tough on family. Even tougher if it's not your own parent. You probably need to have a long think about whether it's realistic to find the huge reserves of love, generosity and resilience needed to do it with at least a modicum of good grace. And if not, you probably need to start exploring other options.

Have you actually spoken with her about this? Elderly people do feel the cold more but as others have said, this doesn't give her the right to dictate how an entire house is set up.