AIBU to want to wait a little longer before she can stay over?

[SuperPixie247]

Sorry! Its another coronavirus one but I am really torn and it is ruining home life.

I am shielding, working from home and I withdrew my DS from nursery as I was worried. I haven't been out since March! Like many areas, delivery slots were like gold dust so my DP was donning a mask and going to sainsburys, showering on his return, purrelling like mad etc. We haven't relaxed this as yet. I think the death and infection toll are still quite high.

My DSD lives around 50 miles away and, as her DM has been working (though not a key worker) she has been in school since lockdown. She has also been round the shops, no mask etc. My DP struggled not to see her so he started going for socially distanced walks when the lockdown was lifting. I was concerned but compromised.

This morning he has just dropped on me that she is staying on Saturday night! I know she is his DD and my DSD and my DS is missing her too but it has taken me aback. We have had a row and he has stormed off to God knows where.

I am so torn. I have been so careful with our household and it has thrown me. I'm not the evil stepmother but I feel so strongly This whole covid-19 has really shook me up, my DS is starting school in September and I am struggling with that too. I can't defer his place as he was born mid-March

TIA

It would depend why you are shielding tbh.

If it’s for a very high risk reason then yes I could understand why you’d be anxious. But at the same time, your DSD hasn’t had any quality time with her parent for 4 months, that’s a long time.

How would you feel not spending anything more than a few hours socially distanced from your son?

To me it would come down to the risk factors and that all depends on your shielding reasons - which unless I’ve missed, you’ve not given

Why are you shielding? Its a difficult one but are you open to the possibility of a compromise?

The other thing is - you say you want a little longer but what is that? Another few weeks, another couple of months?
There’s not going to be any huge change, the number of infection will only gradually reduce. It could be months and months before you feel theyre at a level your happy with, and in that time you expect your partner to not have proper contact with his child.

Unless you’re super high risk I think you are now bordering on unreasonable

Late last year, I had a heart attack as a number of my arteries ruptured. It was a massive shock as I am in my early 20s. I then contracted pneumonia in Feb and was hospitalised. I got an official letter in April or so regarding the shielding.

I compromised on him going to see her (which I know doesn't sound good) but we have all had to make sacrifices. His elderly DDad took off to his sisters when it all kicked off. I could suggest they both spend the night there but he never ever meets me halfway

I thunk you are a bit unreasonable. Shielding guidelines are being relaxed week by week. It is a shame that he has not had proper contact with his dd for months now.

@2020iscancelled i feel unreasonable but if anything happened I don't know what I would do. I do not usually suffer from health anxiety but this has hit me.

Maybe due to last years events. I had 2 terminations on medical advice then got sterilised which was likely the cause of the ruptured arteries and heart attack.

I meant spent the night at his empty dad's house btw not at his sisters.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You have been to told to shield for a valid health reason and that is what you are doing. She should self isolate for 2 Weeks before staying with you at the least

You can socially distance in the house if its only for 1 night. Keep the place ventilated or spend time outside with her.

How much longer do you want to wait ?

I dont think you are either - shielding guidelines end on the 31st July so it would seem prudent to wait until then having come this far and you are not allowed people in your house

I think you have an issue with him if he wont compromise (and your offerings of empty house seem fine) and storms off

I've been to see my mum who is also shielding. We mostly sit outside together but last time the weather was bad so we ate lunch together at a distance indoors. Windows were open and we stayed apart from each other.

The above is quite different to an overnight stay

My brother stays with my mum (who is shielding) and his son comes to stay every 2 weeks for a few nights. She just stays away from him indoors and all has gone ok

The risk of you catching covid from your DSD is similar whether she stays over or not - if she's hugging her Dad and in a room with him for longer than 15 mins and she has covid then the chances of your DH catching it and taking it home to you aren't any different to her staying in your home. Think about it logically.

We have a small indoors and the weather is usually crap. It will just be playstation all day.

When he finally returns, I am going to ask him to stay at his empty DFs house. His reaction will say a lot about him. He thinks he is the only person who has been half done by during this which is simply not true.

That child is either part of the family or she's not. I get your health anxieties but YABU.

You’re being hugely unreasonable- I’m sorry you’ve had a rough couple of years, I truly am.
But you can’t stop a child seeing their parent. Your home should be just as much her home as it is your DS. Imagine if someone said your child wasn’t allowed in their home?
Blended families have been the once constant transient throughout shielding, and lockdown.
Good hygiene, etc will minimise any risk.
The risk is the same for you weather your partner sees his child in your home or someone else’s.

YABU, understandably so, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to continue stopping your DP from seeing his child properly, and it’s horribly unfair on a child. If he’d be willing to go stay at a relatives with her that would be a good compromise but he does need to properly interact with his own child. How old is DSD? Can she properly socially distance from you in the house?

I think you need help for your anxiety

YABVU

I don’t this is reaction will say a lot about him, it’s unfair to treat him like that over the subject too. He’s made a massive sacrifice to keep you safe, you now need to address your health anxiety and work with him to find a way to let him see his child properly.

I get it, but yabu.

My dd had sepsis and pneumonia, and under lockdown hadn't seen her dad for months, but the risks are so small now that she has been seeing him for the last couple of weeks again.

Life has to move forward, and she needs her dad and brother.

Shes 10 and the house is too small really to social distance. Her school on broke up a few days ago and her DM is a bit lax on public safety. Maybe in a fortnight when she has not been at school?

He usually sees her every other Saturday so I understand it has been a drop in contact.

Hard, but his child’s contact and relationship with her father is IMO at least an equal priority to your health.

YABU.

We have been shielding I get it’s tough but this is his daughter. After so long you need to allow them to build their relationship back up properly. If you don’t want to see her then you go and stay elsewhere don’t expect them too.