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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to wait a little longer before she can stay over?

56 replies

SuperPixie247 · 18/07/2020 13:26

Sorry! Its another coronavirus one but I am really torn and it is ruining home life.

I am shielding, working from home and I withdrew my DS from nursery as I was worried. I haven't been out since March! Like many areas, delivery slots were like gold dust so my DP was donning a mask and going to sainsburys, showering on his return, purrelling like mad etc. We haven't relaxed this as yet. I think the death and infection toll are still quite high.

My DSD lives around 50 miles away and, as her DM has been working (though not a key worker) she has been in school since lockdown. She has also been round the shops, no mask etc. My DP struggled not to see her so he started going for socially distanced walks when the lockdown was lifting. I was concerned but compromised.

This morning he has just dropped on me that she is staying on Saturday night! I know she is his DD and my DSD and my DS is missing her too but it has taken me aback. We have had a row and he has stormed off to God knows where.

I am so torn. I have been so careful with our household and it has thrown me. I'm not the evil stepmother but I feel so strongly Sad This whole covid-19 has really shook me up, my DS is starting school in September and I am struggling with that too. I can't defer his place as he was born mid-March

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperPixie247 · 18/07/2020 14:21

@Alb1 an hour ago he screamed in my face and jumped into his car and drove away. I was trying to have a reasonable conversation. I didn't want to say this but is the Ultimate Disney Dad. When lockdown began, he smashed my good plates in temper as he had tickets booked for them to go swimming. I put up with all his tantrums about this and I want to see his reaction on a compromise.

Btw, I get where you are all coming from. I guess I need to have a word with myself!

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2020 14:24

He is completely reasonable to want to see his daughter. You would be the same if you hadn't seen your child too.

However, he sounds like an aggressive bully. Is this common in your relationship op?

Quarantimespringclean · 18/07/2020 14:25

She’s a 10 year old girl who through no choice of hers doesn’t get to live with her dad whilst another child gets him to see him everyday. I’m understand why you are anxious but I think her need and right to spend time with her dad trumps your health concerns.

Distance as much as you can while she is there, spend as much time as you all can outdoors and try not to worry too much.

Original poster
SuperPixie247 · 18/07/2020 14:25

I now feel bad for namecalling him on this thread but I have had it up to here now and I snapped. It isn't something I would say to his face. It is the lack of regard. He didn't even broach the subject. Just dropped it on me. Im so conflicted Sad

OP posts:
Giespeace · 18/07/2020 14:29

She’s part of the family but not part of the household, to reply to a PPs attempt at turning the emotional thumbscrews Hmm
Is it an option for your DP to temporarily move in to his dads empty house? He can see DSD all he likes then, without exposing you to the risk or stress of it.

asprinklingofsugar · 18/07/2020 14:34

He smashed up your good plates because he couldn’t go swimming? Sounds like there might be more series issues than DSD coming to stay.

fabulous40s · 18/07/2020 14:39

YABU, sorry.

Judethe0bscure · 18/07/2020 14:40

Sounds like there's other issues in the relationship and it looks like you are using this particular issue to take back some control (which I completely understand) but don't use a 10 year old to do this.

MarioPuzo · 18/07/2020 14:45

I think your DSD coming to stay is the least of your worries. A man who screams in your face and smashes your things (i notice he didn't smash something that was important to him) is not a good person.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 18/07/2020 14:45

I'm so tied, mainly because I think your husband sounds like a dick and is unreasonable in the way he's acted BUT he should be able to see his daughter (for her sake).

I don't really agree that it's of equal priority to your health though as a PP said, I think that's unfair and dismissive. We aren't talking about DSD not being allowed to see her dad forever here, the effects of Covid on OP could be though. I don't think it's fair to say the two are equal.

However, I do think you need to find a way to move on eventually, the rules are relaxing now all the time, we are slowly getting back to normal life and that must include your DSD being allowed to spend time with her dad. I do understand your anxiety, it's completely valid after the time you've had but I'd perhaps work on that whilst also trying to meet my husband some of the way and find a way to move forward properly.

RoseTintedAtuin · 18/07/2020 14:48

YANBU
Your health is not less important than them playing on the PlayStation. Contact is of course important but he has had contact with her although I agree not ideal. You have given him compromises and he has refused. As for people saying she is not part of the family, that is unreasonable. She is part of the family but not part of your household taking the same protective steps as the rest of the household and as many other threads point out social distancing in young children is hard to maintain. I don’t know how you can address his behaviour but would suggest if he wants to see her without constraint he move out for a couple of weeks and self isolate with her before he comes back or that she self isolates with her mother for two weeks. You are entitled to protect your health and your husband should be supporting you not making you feel unreasonable.

Mrsjayy · 18/07/2020 14:51

What if it was your child can you imagine not having your child stay for 4 months just going for a walk at a distance? Stay in your room you don't have to see her and your partner can clean down the house when she goes home,

Quartz2208 · 18/07/2020 14:53

To be fair to the OP she isnt anxious she is shielding which still doesnt allow for non carers to come into the house

And she isnt saying he CANT see his daughter - there is a perfectly fine solution of staying over together in another house that he wont do

Being in the most at risk group having had a heart attack isnt someone being anxious about it

user1493413286 · 18/07/2020 14:54

I appreciate it’s hard on him but it sounds like you need to keep as safe as possible. We didn’t see DSD for a long time as her mum was shielding. It was hard but we accepted that her safety and as priority.

fluffi · 18/07/2020 14:55

YABNU - Its your home too, you've been shielding for very good reasons, and DP should have discussed it with you first, inot just announced it.

Yes its sad that DP hasn't seen his DD properly without SD, but she's not part of the household unfortunately and you shouldn't have to risk your health because of it.

Anyway shielding isn't over until end of July so strictly speaking no one should be staying over at your house anyway.

Thehop · 18/07/2020 14:56

I thought you were being unreasonable but his behaviour vile. He’s an angry bully by the sounds of the e maples you’ve given here. I’d be suggesting he stays at his dads for a while and look into counselling for yourself

Firefliess · 18/07/2020 15:03

The rates are low, and not falling fast any more. So there is nothing to gain by waiting any longer. You could see if your GP would speak to you about your personal risk, and how to manage coming out of shielding. You won't be the only person finding it hard.

TheFuckingDogs · 18/07/2020 15:05

In our area it’s fairly easy to get a Covid test now, is there any way you could organise for her to have one then you know she’s in the clear, results should just be a couple of days then nothing to worry about and she can stay with you guys for a good couple of weeks?

LtJudyHopps · 18/07/2020 15:10

If they’re staying in an empty house she might as well stay at yours as he’s then coming back to your small house.
I think YABU their relationship has suffered for 4 months. I appreciate your heath concerns my own mother is shielding but if I’d said she couldn’t see me at all for 4 months she’d be gutted.

crimsonlake · 18/07/2020 15:12

It is a tricky one, but I do not support his reaction.
My sister's husband is shielding due to a low immune system, they will not allow anyone in the house until the government gives the go ahead.
Ironically their daughter who still lives with them works in a chemist so has to come home to them every night after work. All has been well with them in this routine, so may be it could work as long as you stay out of the way during the visit?

Lipz · 18/07/2020 15:13

I think it would be more ideal of the compromise of him staying in his dad's house. might give you some peace as he doesn't sound very nice.

Also, you've had serious illnesses and you've had pneumonia which affects the lungs, your lungs never fully recover. You have a shielding letter, your house is small. She is his dd, she is part of the family but not your household and she's just broken up from school and her mother and her have been carrying on as normal. Well sorry but fuck that for a game of soldiers, I'd be giving the compromise of using the other house. The virus is still there even if rules have been releaxed, it hasn't magically disappeared because Boris moved his phases along, if anything the chances of getting covid are bigger because there are much more people moving about, the numbers dropped because everyone was locked down.

No one knows what's ahead so all we can do is play it by ear, protect ourselves and don't do anything we're not comfortable with. It's not going to be like this forever.

youremindmeofthebabewhatbabe · 18/07/2020 15:51

It's such a tricky situation :( the thing I don't understand though is why him going to stay in a different house is any better? Is she has it (I'd say chances of that are low but not non existent obviously), then he would still be breathing the same air and touching the same surfaces.. so unless he would be isolating for 10-14 days afterwards you may as well have her to stay. I understand your worries I really do. I just don't see how the compromise is different to having her in your home. PP's suggestion of a test is a great one, she could do the test, isolate for two days til the results came back then you know you're ok. I'm considering doing that so I can go and visit my parents who are still shielding.. x

WhatOnEarth67 · 18/07/2020 15:57

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. She is his daughter. And I’m just wondering why you are shielding? I thought that was mainly people on immunosuppressant medication and conditions that affect the immune system. I’ve had pneumonia which caused a pneumothorax as well as having ulcerative colitis and my bowel removed, and I was still not told to shield. Not being rude, just interested to know why they think you should shield!

Quartz2208 · 18/07/2020 16:01

@WhatOnEarth67 the OP had a heart attack in her 20s

That said a friend has a son who had pneumonia which caused a pneumothorax and she was told he had to shield!

WhatOnEarth67 · 18/07/2020 16:03

@Quartz2208 Does having a heart attack mean you could have more complications from Covid? Genuinely asking, not being sarcastic!

And oh, in that case surely I should have been told to! I’m 25 and had it when I was 16 though, so maybe that’s why?