Hi all,
NC for this. Rarely post, usually just comment but I'm really interested in gaining some opinions.
My DM and I have a long and difficult relationship. She's proven time and again to be incredibly selfish, demanding and inconsiderate. At the same time she can also be very needy, to the point that she drives away every friend she makes because she's so rude and unreasonable. She's never been able to show empathy and genuinely doesn't seem to understand how other people might be feeling.
I won't bother with the whole back story, but just to give an example - when I was in hospital, and had just given birth the day before, she came to visit me (first visit, fine). I tried to walk down the corridor, ended up collapsing and it was a bit of a mini-emergency as I was quite poorly. While the doctors /nurses were around me, she says "it's obviously a bad time, I'll come back another day" and just pissed off home. Apparently not concerned that her DD had collapsed in the corridor and seemed quite ill. My sister has gone pretty much no contact, didn't invite her to her wedding, hasn't introduced her to her DH and won't let her meet her DS. She says our DM is too toxic and says I'm too forgiving.
Anyway, to the issue.
We have been cautious with the whole coronavirus thing. I have two DS who are both autistic . My DM is top vulnerable group as she has multiple health complaints, including pulmonary conditions.
We used to pop in after school 4 nights a week, but obviously haven't seen her at all. We had two distanced visits where shopping was brought round and left on the doorstep, and a couple of Zoom calls. Last week I took one DS round. I spoke to DM first and explained no touching/hugging as my DH was back in the office and mixing with lots of people from lots of different areas so I was concerned about her wellbeing. My DS are 7 and 8. All fine.
This week, we did a second visit with both DS this time. I'd already spoken to DM and she knew the same applied: no touching just yet. She said she was fine with this, no problem. Just happy to hang out for a bit. We went round after we'd been in school for a couple of hours so I was especially keen not to touch.
My autistic DS, aged 8, was very worried about not touching - he kept asking "what if nanny touches me? Or asks me to give her a kiss?" I told him not to worry, and that she wouldn't but it probably would be fine anyway, even if he did, so not to fret. The autism is relevant as he really worries about the little things and gets anxious/in a state.
We arrive and as soon as we get in the living room, my DM announces that she's decided that "belly hugs" are safe and asks my DC to give her a belly hug. I am just gobsmacked - we agreed beforehand no hugs just yet, esp as we were coming from school. I managed to say "no, we said no hugs!" and she just talks over me and insists that I'm being silly and that belly hugs are perfectly safe as she's decided.
I'm so annoyed at her springing this on me in front of the kids, I'm speechless. I'm also massively doubting myself and thinking that probably I am being too cautious, and that it will probably be fine. So I back down, and weakly say "well if they want to, they can". But inside I'm just so angry, I can't really put into words what I'm thinking.
She turns to DS 8 and says "come and give Nanny a belly hug" - and he politely says "no, thank you". She's furious. Repeats the instruction. And again. He refuses again and again. The other DS is sat on my lap now and won't speak, let alone go near her. In the end I have to intervene and say gently "Sorry, DM, I don't think he wants to just yet". DM turns to me and angrily says "WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD THEM???" As if this is my fault somehow. I've actually said very little to the DS about coronavirus as there's no point them worrying, they just needed to know why they weren't at school and why handwashing/hygiene was super important. I've really downplayed the whole thing if anything.
The moment passes, and my DM offers my DS 8 a cake. He goes with her into the kitchen to get one. She then calls out for my other DS to go and get one. He doesn't want to go without me, even though I'm encouraging. She's very insistent from the kitchen that he goes and picks one and doesn't look happy when I walk in with him. Turns out there's a reason for this.
10 minutes later, I find out that my DS 8 has given my DM a "belly hug" in the kitchen because she asked him again. She waited until she was alone with him, and without me there so she could make sure she got her hug. The penny drops. This is why she wanted the other DS to go into the kitchen. So she could force a hug out of him too, against his clear wishes.
It wasn't obvious at the time because she's very jealous of the relationship I have with my DC. She repeatedly tells me I'm "losing them now" because they're growing up and won't want me soon. If they give me a hug or a kiss in front of her, she stares and gets angry if they don't go over and give her one too. She gets annoyed if they want to sit on my lap, not hers. She's an emotional vampire, it's the only way I can describe being around her. I'm not interested in competing with her - I don't care if the kids want to sit on her lap all afternoon while we're there. Totally fine. I don't know why she's like this. She is married - she divorced my dad when I was 8 but for my entire adult life continued to compete with me in this same way over my dad (they remained friends). He told me to try and be kind to her because she can't help it. And for transparency, she has helped me with things over the years (although I am reminded of it regularly and have to frequently express how grateful I am......) so she's not totally awful. I have tried so hard to make exceptions and to understand that she doesn't mean it, and doesn't understand what she's doing. But not today.
Sorry, I digress.
After I discovered the kitchen hug thing, we left pretty soon after. I busied myself with the DC while I was there so I didn't have to say too much as I didn't want to talk about it in front of the children. I was utterly raging inside. I also know from experience there is zero point discussing it as she'll just sulk. Massively sulk.
It's now a couple of days later and I'm still really, really pissed off. My DH wasn't there but wanted to ring her because he's also furious.
It's not even the risk thing. I know the chances are that it's probably going to be fine now. One of the reasons I wanted a slow introduction is because I didn't want her overwhelming the DC. Every phone call she's sobbed and cried and made it very emotionally draining. I don't even think it's particularly because she misses them, she just feels sorry for herself. Because they're both autistic and struggle to adjust to things changing, I just wanted a gentle reintroduction without too many demands being made on them. The weird thing is she wasn't a loving/cuddly/affectionate parent in the slightest for years but all of a sudden she's decided that she is. Primarily because she sees the DC being affectionate with me and feels like she's missing out on something that I'm getting and she's not. She always wants what anyone else has - material possessions or emotional. Honestly, I couldn't make this up if I tried. It's a standing joke. I'm getting a new bathroom put in, so she gets one. New hair cut, she gets one too. I just laugh about it because it's so ridiculous but when it comes to piggy backing onto my emotions, it's different. My DF had a heart attack and she heard him say on the phone to me "I love you". He forgot to hang the phone up and I heard her demanding him to tell her what I'd said to him in return. Next phone call from her, surprise, surprise she says pointedly "I love you....." - first time she had EVER said it to me. And she didn't say it out of love, she said it because she wanted what my DF had from me.
Anyway, back to now. I'm angry she didn't talk to me about it beforehand. I'm angry she thought it was OK to decide what was best and just announce it. I'm angry she tried repeatedly to force my DS in front of me to give her a hug and got aggressive with me when he politely declined. And most of all, I'm especially angry that she manipulated my vulnerable DS into a position where she knew she'd be able to make him do what she wanted, despite the fact he'd already made his feelings clear. She deliberately got him away from me because she knew she'd be able to pressure him into giving her what she wanted ie/ a hug.
I sound like a first class bitch, I know. Poor nan just wanted a hug from her grandchildren, right?! I understand that. And if she'd asked, I'd have probably have given in. I'm angry at the manipulation because it's typical of her behaviour. Just springing it on me deliberately in front of the DC and then trying to force them to do what she had decided. And most of all, I'm angry at myself for not being more assertive with her and for telling her why her behaviour was not OK.
I was going to message her later that night but I spoke to my DSis and she said it would just be pointless. And she's right. My DM would sulk. Nothing would change. She has form for this kind of shit but it's the manipulation of children who are especially vulnerable that really has angered me. No respect for their feelings - as long as she gets what she wants, right?!
I don't actually know how to move on from this. I know that sounds ridiculous. She refused to go and see her own DM for the last 3 months when she was dying because it was "too difficult" and I nearly cut contact with her over that. I'd managed to get into a place which was OK - I suppress a lot of my emotions around her because I don't want her leeching off them, but other than that it's fine. The DC love her but say she is "very grumpy and shouty" - which she is. She's hard work. But now, I almost feel as if this has brought back all the suppressed emotions from the shit she's done over the years - and there is a hell of a lot. Just one silly thing and I'm stuck. I love her, but I hate her behaviour and know she will never, ever, ever understand what she's doing.
I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to be angry at what she did this week and for forcing the DC to hug her against my express wishes, against our agreement and against their clear feelings? Surely they have the right to say no without being badgered?!