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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

94 replies

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 17/07/2020 17:15

A couple close to me have just announced their separation. They’ve been married nearly 20 years and have 3dcs aged between 10 and 15.

She has admitted in the past that she chose her husband because he is a good man and she desperately wanted children but that she never truly loved him.

He really tried in the relationship but eventually realised that she was never going to love him the way he loved her. We, their friends, have witnessed some very uncomfortable moments when she has rolled her eyes at things he says, does, just everything he did was wrong.

But she appreciated what a good father he is and she absolutely lives for her dcs.

Well, it turns out that he’d been having an affair for the past 3 years. Wanted to leave the marriage but she went all guns blazing, reminded him that he promised to never leave the children, that she could forgive his affair if he ended it for the sake of the children.

However, in a weird twist, turns out she’s actually also been having an affair!

Lockdown brought everything to a head and she has decided to end the marriage and continue with her AP.

I’m trying to stay as neutral as possible because I am friends with both of them but I can’t help but secretly have more sympathy for him.

His AP has moved on with someone else and it looks as though he’ll not have main custody of the children which has broken him.

So the question is, was he completely wrong to have an affair when he was in a loveless marriage for the sake of not breaking up a family?

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 17/07/2020 17:16

What a mess.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 17/07/2020 17:22

So the question is, was he completely wrong to have an affair when he was in a loveless marriage for the sake of not breaking up a family?

You know what, op, a few years ago my stance on this would have been hardline. Yes, he was BVU, an affair is always wrong, no excuses, end of. Nowadays I'm less sure. Relationships seems less black and white to me now. I can understand the feeling of needing to feel loved, wanted, enjoyed, to have intimacy, to be appreciated, whilst feeling trapped in a marriage due to dc and finances and lingering love but to have real needs that are not being met.

I feel sorry for everyone involved and not inclined to judge him harshly.

Original poster

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 17/07/2020 17:23

That’s sort of how I feel too Iwalk.

So many greys.

OP posts:

MouthBreathingRage · 17/07/2020 17:27

Those poor kids. No, I dont believe there's ever an excuse for having an affair, but that doesn't mean I don't understand why they happen in some circumstances.

Poptart4 · 17/07/2020 17:29

As I get older I'm more understanding of some affairs. I say some because there are some people who have all the morals of a stray dog and cheat for the sake/fun of it. I despise these people.

But I've also realised that there are people like your friends that are in loveless or complicated relationships and I can see why they may have affairs.

PumpkinP · 17/07/2020 17:32

I’ve seen justifying affairs if someone is in an abusive relationship

randolph78 · 17/07/2020 17:39

I can understand the feeling of needing to feel loved, wanted, enjoyed, to have intimacy, to be appreciated, whilst feeling trapped in a marriage due to dc and finances and lingering love but to have real needs that are not being met.

I get this but I also get the feeling of being betrayed, lied to and used which affairs generate and I don't think any human should ever do that to another.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/07/2020 17:41

No, I don't believe there is any excuse to have an affair. End the relationship rather than having an affair.

Fairenuff · 17/07/2020 17:43

So the question is, was he completely wrong to have an affair when he was in a loveless marriage for the sake of not breaking up a family?

Yes he was wrong.

And look what's happened, the marriage is breaking up anyway but he has lost the person he really wanted to be with.

SerenDippitty · 17/07/2020 17:45

Was the woman wrong to marry someone she didn't love because she wanted to have children?

Cam77 · 17/07/2020 17:53

Well, an affair is a betrayal of trust, but from the sounds of it she betrayed his trust first by treating her own husband like crap for many years, through, arguably, no fault of his own. From what you’ve said it sounds to me like she is the guiltier party for A) marrying a man she doesn’t love and then treating him badly. AND B) having an affair.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/07/2020 17:58

I think an affair is okay IF the person is in an abusive relationship and it gives them the strength to leave. My friend kissed someone while married to an emotionally abusive man. He had made her feel worthless, pointless and unattractive. This man wanted to kiss her and she felt amazing. She was honest with her husband, left and has been happy on her own for ten years. Although you may not count this an affair since it was more of a wake up call.

butterpuffed · 17/07/2020 17:59

I can understand his reasons for having an affair but I think she is very selfish . She got what she wanted [a good man and children] ,treated him badly and then had an affair.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/07/2020 18:00

The downside to this was that the emotionally abusive husband told everyone she had an affair and that he was heart broken - when he was actually just furious and his ego was damaged.

Alloverthegrapevine · 17/07/2020 18:01

As with a PP I would have said once yes of course it's always wrong, but as you have learned about this relationship (and it's still highly unlikely you know all the details, which will almost certainly vary depending on who's telling them) life and relationships are complicated.

I think affairs often happen when good people are trying to do the right thing, or the least bad thing for everyone concerned. Obviously down right nasty serial philanderers do exist but I think most people are basically decent and make questionable decisions when they're finding life hard which they then either find it impossible to get out of or once they've started it, the damage is done so there's nothing to be gained and everything to be lost by stopping.

GreytExpectations · 17/07/2020 18:03

The only justification I would consider acceptable for an affair is if there was abuse happening in the relationship.

GrimDamnFanjo · 17/07/2020 18:05

I think it's always dependant on the relationship. There are lots of reasons why people have affairs.
Your friends relationship sounds really complicated.

EssentialHummus · 17/07/2020 18:06

I think it’s complicated, in short. I used to be very hardline and moralistic about it, but real life and long term relationships allow for many shades of grey.

Original poster

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 17/07/2020 18:07

I feel I need to clarify that it wasn’t an abusive relationship.

She would roll her eyes at him etc and could be very controlling about certain things but was also kind and extremely supportive when his mother died.

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/07/2020 18:10

I'd just wash my hands of thinking about it really OP, it reflects so poorly on the both of them I can't see what sympathy would be appropriate other than pitying both for having very little about them or the confidence to just pursue what they want in a manner that doesn't require lies and endangering others sexual health.

He knew the state of his marriage, and cheated/lied. She settled, then cheated and lied. Both clearly have issues and a distinct lack of moral acuity. Neither are what the other thought they were or wanted them to be. No adult needs sympathy here. It's clearly just a mess between two people that shouldn't have been married and didn't face up to that, and either of them could have done at any time. Both wanted their cake and to eat it, it backfired for the pair of them and hopefully their next partners will be more suitable matches and not plugs for various emotional problems.

heymacaroner · 17/07/2020 18:34

I don't think an affair can ever be justified as such but I do think there are lots of circumstances which can lead people to make those kinds of choices and it's not as black and white as people can sometimes make things out to be.
My parents are currently going through a divorce after my dad's affair of 3 years came to light. They have been married 35 years. I think what he's done is truly awful (the other woman is almost the same age as me and has a 4 year old child...doesn't scream sensible and loving long term relationship) but I have also come to accept that their marriage had been broken for a really long time before the affair started and he's not solely to blame for that. So whilst I'm outraged at the affair, I also personally believe it's a symptom of the broken marriage, not the cause, and that people become very good at lying to themselves over time to justify the actions they take.
So yes, it's a grey area, and it sounds like they have both done wrong, and I understand your mixed feelings about it all.

Starbuggy · 17/07/2020 18:48

An affair is never ok. And parents who stayed together while both cheating on each other are more likely to hurt their children than parents who simply get a divorce.

My sympathy in the case of OP’s friend is entirely with the children. Neither adult has covered themselves in glory.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/07/2020 18:57

Life is complicated OP.
They weren't right for each other either way.
I think when an affair leads to a relationship people accept it.
This couple sound extreme sneaking about in different relationships.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/07/2020 19:00

It's never "right" but they aren't all the same and they aren't always an act of sociopathic evil with no context. They're also not always the worst thing that's been done in the marriage.

Obviously some are really appalling but they're not all the same.

AnnaNimmity · 17/07/2020 19:11

I know relationships aren't black or white, but I think there's very rarely a justification for an affair. I don't think here is in your OP - he should have left his wife when he wanted the affair, or avoided it. I know you feel more sympathy with him, but still, he had a choice whether to stick his dick into someone else. And she (the AP) had a choice about whether to do it too. All the parties in this sorry affair appear to have ignored the children totally.

I know it's not black or white. But still- I know people who knowingly sleep with married men (even saying it's just a bit of fun) and men who have affairs stating that it's because their wife won't have sex with them. I know someone who has had several affairs with married men treating it as some kind of game and she is happy when she gets them to sleep with her. I know a husband who has apparently been unfaithful several times and the wife is planning to leave when the kids turn 18. It's just a mess.

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