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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

94 replies

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 17/07/2020 17:15

A couple close to me have just announced their separation. They’ve been married nearly 20 years and have 3dcs aged between 10 and 15.

She has admitted in the past that she chose her husband because he is a good man and she desperately wanted children but that she never truly loved him.

He really tried in the relationship but eventually realised that she was never going to love him the way he loved her. We, their friends, have witnessed some very uncomfortable moments when she has rolled her eyes at things he says, does, just everything he did was wrong.

But she appreciated what a good father he is and she absolutely lives for her dcs.

Well, it turns out that he’d been having an affair for the past 3 years. Wanted to leave the marriage but she went all guns blazing, reminded him that he promised to never leave the children, that she could forgive his affair if he ended it for the sake of the children.

However, in a weird twist, turns out she’s actually also been having an affair!

Lockdown brought everything to a head and she has decided to end the marriage and continue with her AP.

I’m trying to stay as neutral as possible because I am friends with both of them but I can’t help but secretly have more sympathy for him.

His AP has moved on with someone else and it looks as though he’ll not have main custody of the children which has broken him.

So the question is, was he completely wrong to have an affair when he was in a loveless marriage for the sake of not breaking up a family?

OP posts:

IceCreamSummer20 · 17/07/2020 19:15

No it’s never OK to have an affair. I do think affairs in themselves are abusive.

In your case- I would worry about the atmosphere in the home for the children. You can feel indifference, and contempt, and the putting up with someone who don’t even respect enough to end before an affair. It’s really fucked up. I grew up in a household like that, with Dad having affairs. I didn’t realize how deeply it affected me until I was older and I started putting up with all kinds of crap from men - my father treated my mother with a huge lack of respect and indifference. So I ended up thinking this was normal.

enjoyingthequiet · 17/07/2020 19:31

Yes

Iwalkinmyclothing · 17/07/2020 19:53

I get this but I also get the feeling of being betrayed, lied to and used which affairs generate and I don't think any human should ever do that to another.

This makes sense to me too... the whole thing is just so complicated. Emotions are so messy. I suppose I don't think the affairs either had are justified but in this situation they are somewhat understandable. No one comes out of this looking wonderful and everyone, it seems, has been hurt.

Surviving1 · 17/07/2020 23:32

So many people seem to think that being faithful is the only marriage vow.
Having an affair is a betrayal of a marriage vow but so is failing to love, honour and cherish (or whatever vows were exchanged).
Most of us don't condemn someone who stops loving or honouring or cherishing their spouse - so I wonder why so many rush to judgement about affairs.

Yoir · 17/07/2020 23:37

When I was in my 20’s I thought people who had affairs were the lowest of the low. As time has passed, I can see some grey areas.

Fairenuff · 18/07/2020 13:14

@Surviving1

So many people seem to think that being faithful is the only marriage vow. Having an affair is a betrayal of a marriage vow but so is failing to love, honour and cherish (or whatever vows were exchanged). Most of us don't condemn someone who stops loving or honouring or cherishing their spouse - so I wonder why so many rush to judgement about affairs.

Failing to love, honour and cherish is not the same as actively, repeatedly, deliberately lying to your partner.

If you want someone else, leave your partner and take your chances. Yes you might lose everything but that is the chance you take. You can't have both and expect people to say it's ok.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 18/07/2020 13:35

I'm very black and white; I wouldn't cheat and I wouldn't tolerate cheating.

I might feel differently in ten years time but right here and now, I don't see a reason to cheat, ever. If you're unhappy, fix it or leave. If the other person is a shit, leave. If you're staying for your DC, they're probably as unhappy with your marriage as you are, so leave.

I grew up with parents who openly disliked one another - they were waiting til I hit 18 before divorcing and frankly it would have been better for all of us if they'd just openly admitted they weren't happy and gone their separate ways. Staying with DH for the sake of my DC is not part of my life plan - I honour my marriage for my DC, I work at my marriage for my DC, but if it all went to shit? I wouldn't keep them in an unhappy home.

Lostmyshityear9 · 18/07/2020 13:55

Urgh. Always excuses. And usually from people who have never had to be the last to find out.

There is no excuse. We live in a modern world and it is acceptable to co-parent, have divorced parents, expect both parents to work etc. etc. Whilst there is huge stigma for 'single mums', nothing remotely similar exists for men and it is usually men who have managed to work without prolonged maternity leaves, part time hours etc. and so are in a better shape financially. If you find yourself going down the route of having an affair, there really is the need for some self reflection. No good can come of it. It causes untold heartache and makes the break up process so much more difficult.

I think it's probably an easy hole to fall down once - but when it gets to the 3 year point as with the OP (my ex was at least 2 years with his affair partner) it really is taking the piss. I struggled for a long time with the knowledge that he had been wining and dining us in the same restaurants, taken phone calls from her whilst we were on weekends away, and that he had used our savings to keep a roof over her head. The damage it did to me emotionally was unfair and unnecessary and I have struggled, really struggled, to get myself back on an even keel both mentally and financially. I am a reasonable person and would not have caused any problems had he wanted a divorce, would have co-parented etc etc etc There was no need to play the games he did and there was certainly no need to be sleeping with me without contraception knowing full well he was in the actual process of setting up home with someone else. It was abusive and it showed an utter lack of respect for me as someone he said he still loved, the woman he left me for and our children.

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 14:32

@Surviving1

So many people seem to think that being faithful is the only marriage vow. Having an affair is a betrayal of a marriage vow but so is failing to love, honour and cherish (or whatever vows were exchanged). Most of us don't condemn someone who stops loving or honouring or cherishing their spouse - so I wonder why so many rush to judgement about affairs.

If you are honest that you have stopped loving and clear that you are not cherishing, at least the other spouse has choices. They can leave or you can both decide to work on it.

Having an affair denies this crucial information to the spouse, and by its very action means that any hope of getting better as a couple is dashed as all energy goes into the new partner.

They are totally different. I think if you fall out of love, tell your partner, and try hard to make it work together but fail. That has integrity.

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 14:36

@Lostmyshityear9 I agree, and it is abusive. I was sleeping without protection with my partner whilst I was pregnant and horrified to realize he was having sex with several random women at the same time - potentially passing on an infection to me and the unborn baby which could have been very serious.

Except for him the less I knew the better. There is something very chilling about our societies ease about lying within a marriage. I made life decisions based on trust. I chose to move country and have a child with a man because I trusted him. It’s a serious betrayal.

Jaeson · 18/07/2020 14:38

I don’t really get the whole affair thing. If you’re unhappy tell your partner end the relationship and find someone else. There really is no need to be unfaithful.

IcedPurple · 18/07/2020 14:39

@PumpkinP

I’ve seen justifying affairs if someone is in an abusive relationship

How is having an affair going to improve things though?

Rwoolley · 18/07/2020 14:45

No never.

Sure people can have good reasons, but it's never ok.

My mother had an affair and through growing up I've come to understand why (they got married when she was really young, she was a sexual abuse survivor and latched onto the first man who didn't treat her like shit, then had my and my brother and then realised she never really loved my father, they had a sexless marriage for over 10 years before her affair etc.) but I will never forgive her for it, my father was devastated, it broke our family and it will never be the same and that's on her.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 18/07/2020 14:50

I know several people who have turned to affairs in the face of emotional abuse and I really couldn’t blame them at all. Given what you’ve said I strongly suspect she was being abusive here.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 18/07/2020 14:51

@IcedPurple most people need to feel loved, it’s a basic need in psychologically health individuals do affairs can help that way. Others need support to leave abusive relationships and find it this way. Affairs, like any loving relationship, can do a world of good to a victim of abuse.

suggestionsplease1 · 18/07/2020 15:06

Barring really quite exceptional circumstances, no I don't think it's ok.

For victims of abuse, well it potentially makes them much more vulnerable if their spouse/partner finds out. If they are considering it with someone and that other person is aware of their situation and really cares about them then they should be helping them build their self esteem and sense of self to put them in a strong position to leave, not muddying the waters and potentially putting them at risk by getting involved with them romantically.

BiBabbles · 18/07/2020 15:09

I'm reminded of the song White Liar, but at least in that one there is no mention of kids.

I do have sympathy for him, but more so because she used him to have kids and used those kids as weapons against him (and may still be doing so). I feel even more sympathy for the kids - they're likely going to figure that out if they haven't already, and I can only imagine how much that would suck. I hope he can get at 50:50, as much for the kids sake as for his own.

For me, an affair is always a shitty thing to do to someone, but with the complexities of life, it isn't always the most shitty thing to do to someone that it's sometimes portrayed to be.

heartsonacake · 18/07/2020 15:12

No, it’s never okay. Not a single circumstance in which it would be okay.

If you’re not happy, leave. It’s simple. And if you won’t, don’t go shagging around because you haven’t got the balls to leave.

Kit19 · 18/07/2020 15:17

I used to be friends with a woman whose husband had a very bad car accident a few years after they were married when they were both late 20s. Sadly it left him with multiple disabilities physical and mental and unable to have sex. she became his main carer

She would periodically have affairs with other men for sex. She didn’t want to leave her husband, she felt it was her duty to care for him and she was terrified of what would happen to him if he ended up in a care home

I couldn’t judge her for the affairs in those circumstances

bigchris · 18/07/2020 15:18

@Rwoolley did it come as that much of a surprise to him if they hadn't had sex for ten years ??

Branleuse · 18/07/2020 15:22

its hardly that unusual historically for married couples to keep things spiced up with regular affairs where everyone turns a blind eye.

suggestionsplease1 · 18/07/2020 15:30

I think they should include this question on online dating sites.

That way all the people that tick 'yes' can only come up as potential matches for each other, and all the 'no's will only come up as potential matches for each other too.

Fairenuff · 18/07/2020 15:41

@Branleuse

its hardly that unusual historically for married couples to keep things spiced up with regular affairs where everyone turns a blind eye.

That's different because they both know. It's an open marriage which both know about and are happy with. That's not cheating.

MissConductUS · 18/07/2020 16:21

Among women I've known, those who discard a good decent man thinking that a better one will come along are always disappointed. The woman in this relationship sounds horrid tbh and I think will get what she deserves.

Immigrantsong · 18/07/2020 16:25

I tend to not judge. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and life is not white and black. Every person is capable for great and not so great things and our choices depend in many variables. So I tend to mind my own business and leave others to mind theirs.

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