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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT see eating quantities of rich food and lots of wine as an enjoyable way to spend time with friends!

82 replies

Atadaddicted · 17/07/2020 11:11

I have two main groups of friends.

Really lovely two groups. I am very blessed. None of what I see on mumsnet sometimes about Bitching and judging etc. Just supportive kind loving and fun friends.

Very different groups. One sporty, active, healthy. When we meet we tend to do walks and a coffee, or If we meet for dinner at each other’s houses it will be delicious salads, fruit based desserts. We went on holiday together and it was spectacular. We hiked, we canoed, are fresh fish, salads - I came home feeling so rejuvenated.

Second group, food and drink lies at the Centre of gatherings. We went for a weekend away to beautiful part of the country and no one wanted to go for a walk. I tried to tempt them with a pub half way round but... no. There was a fabulous pool, but no one went in but me. The food was endlessly planned and discussed and so rich and the quantities enormous and so much drink. Despite drinking very little and stopping eating when I started to feel full, along With going for a run, swim and a walk, by the end of the weekend I felt so.... sluggish and full!

So here’s the problem. I’m beginning to less enjoy getting together with the latter group and favouring the former. And I feel so sad about it. I have suggested to the former on so many occasions over the many years we have friends that we do other stuff when we get together beside it always being about food and wine but it’s very much not on the cards.

I don’t want to lose this group of friends, I don’t want to drift away from them but it does feel like it’s happening....

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 17/07/2020 14:39

@Stepstepmother

Well you’re clearly too virtuous and healthy for your food and drink loving friends so just stop hanging out with them. At least then they won’t have you hanging round judging their choices
This
BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/07/2020 14:44

I don’t see why this is a big issue. Just eat and drink what you want with group 2 and go for a walk or a swim on your own ifbthey aren’t interested.

I go away for a long weekend with 4 friends every few months. The friend I share a room with takes her running stuff and goes for a long run at 6am every morning. I’d rather lie in or read. By mid-day we’re often shopping and looking for a nice pub ... she won’t drink lunchtime. In the evening we eat out and the wine is flowing ... she’ll have a couple of GnTs. None of this is ever a problem for anyone!

Porcupineinwaiting · 17/07/2020 14:45

If group 2 are so lovely why cant you enjoy their loveliness whilst you munch delicious carrot sticks? Not sure why what they eat would be an issue.

Teacher12345 · 17/07/2020 14:45

We went away with a couple who just wanting to eat and sit around. We met them for an evening meal, went back to our room for bed, met them for breakfast then sat in their cabin until lunchtime. After lunch they wanted to go back to their cabin to sit around some more ut we made our excuses to leave.

Fuggly · 17/07/2020 14:49

I agree with a PP, I would really see that as the best of both worlds.

For a long time I was more group 2 but over the last decade I have tried to have a healthier lifestyle so i can enjoy my later years. This means I have both group 1 and group 2 friends. I enjoy seeing both groups - sometimes it is good to have a healthy eating and exercise day/night/weekend but equally good to have the occasional blowout with group 2 - tends to be lots of laughing and singing in these!

I just get straight back onto my healthy lifestyle inbeween, it's not a problem.

1moreRep · 17/07/2020 15:16

my friends and i would sit firmly in group 1, group 2 is my actual idea of hell. Could you go for just the meal and leave half of it? I often will drive to give me an excuse not to drink and would have gone for a run first thing if away on a break while the others sleep their wine and booze off.

MarshaBradyo · 17/07/2020 15:20

Isn’t the main thing the conversation etc?

Just eat and drink what you want and spend time together. I’m partial to a very long lunch with friends but some don’t drink alcohol and none of us eat what we don’t want to. It’s not that hard.

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2020 15:26

And I did bring lots of fruit and some veg to cut to have with the dips. They were eaten only by me

So? Why do you care what they ate? And only you ate the dips and fruit.

You seem really food obsessed. Is there something else going on here?

Notonthestairs · 17/07/2020 15:33

Is Group 2 pressuring you to eat/drink more? I don't understand the problem.
I have minimal interest in what they are eating or drinking, I'm there for the chat.

Fedup21 · 17/07/2020 15:34

Why does it matter to you if they eat rich food and drink booze? You don’t have to! You can eat less, drink less and go for a swim morning and evening if you need to get exercise and then spend time with these people the rest of the hours in the day.

You seem to be making a situation where there isn’t one! You do what you want within the time you’re together.

Or do you want THEM to eat, drink less and exercise more or you don’t want to be their friend anymore? That would be petulant and controlling, which I’m sure you aren’t.

How many holidays/weekends away do you do with this group of people?! Surely don’t go away so often that it’s really a problem and worth you dropping them as friends?!

KatherineJaneway · 17/07/2020 15:37

I don't really understand OP how you can have felt so bad after the weekend with group 2 when you say you ate and drank little and went for a run, a swim and a walk?

This ^^

Zoecarter · 17/07/2020 15:44

If you are going for weekends away can you not just make yourself salads and fruit

AnotherBiteMe · 17/07/2020 16:44

@Turnedouttoes I think you may have been right !!

whereorwhere · 17/07/2020 17:52

Drop out of group 2 and I will join them

squeekums · 18/07/2020 11:29

I don't get it OP
To me, yeah your judging group 2 on their food choices.
Last year, we drove 8 hours, with caravan in tow to an event called oyster fest. My idea of hell, I'm allergic to seafood. It was the sorta halfway point for dp cousin and his family from interstate for a big catch up.
I went cos it was a family get away and it's not like the whole time was spent near seafood. I did my own thing for food, found a great pasta place in town, got to meet some of dp family. When they went fishing, I went sunbaking or relaxed at caravan park with my vodka.

YBU to expect they change the dynamic and long term, enjoyed way of catching up. You are allowed to do your own thing on group getaways

GarlicSoup · 18/07/2020 11:30

@Stepstepmother

Well you’re clearly too virtuous and healthy for your food and drink loving friends so just stop hanging out with them. At least then they won’t have you hanging round judging their choices
^ This
BertieBotts · 18/07/2020 11:31

Why don't you just meet members of group two one on one?

Sailingblue · 18/07/2020 11:45

Group 2 sounds much more typical for a weekend away. Most people want a bit of a treat. I have to say, I’d find it a bit rubbish if I went to someone’s house for dinner and they just served up a salad and fruit. The only time I would have loved that was when I was mega controlled about diet in the run up to my wedding. I remember going to a friend’s hen-do and secretly swapping out drinks to reduce calories, picking salads when everyone else was having treats etc. I was a bit too obsessed given I couldn’t fully enjoy myself.

In all honesty, I think your response and reaction to the group 2 weekend is more about your eating habits and sense of control. If you get rubbish during a weekend where you were free to pick how much you ate and where you still went for a run, swim and felt rubbish makes me wonder how controlled you are normally.

Redraptor · 18/07/2020 11:53

My friends have nights out where they drink, a lot. I'm not a big drinker but we will go to a restaurant, I'll have three courses of amazing food, they will have one or two and loads of cocktails/wine. We all get what we enjoy.

Tbh I'd be disappointed if a friend invited me round for dinner and made me a salad but it's different strokes for different folks. You can say no to the wine if you dont want it

Achangeagain1 · 18/07/2020 11:53

Group 2 sounds like my sort of group - I’ll take your place next time!

Honestly though - badgering people to go on a walk, swim on the pool etc is bad manners.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 18/07/2020 11:59

Not entirely sure what you want from this thread other than an opportunity to sound pious and smug which is how it's coming across tbh.

Wecandothis99 · 18/07/2020 12:14

Bit weird that your friendship doesn't trump whatever it is you're doing! You say no bitching and judging with them like you see on MN but sounds a bit like you're judging them if I'm honest

IdblowJonSnow · 18/07/2020 12:21

They dont want to go for a walk at all? Most of my friends can put away more than me with food and booze but even the slothiest will have a brief mooch.
If you're all good friends I dont see why this difference needs to come between you.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/07/2020 12:28

I dont think you sound judgemental but it sounds like you're so immersed in your lifestyle choices that it's hard for you to deviate from that.
We were invited to a friend's for brunch once and there was a small bowl of fruit for several of us to share! I was gutted! Hoping for a cooked breakfast! They are sporty types, should have known better! Grin

LadyPrigsbottom · 18/07/2020 12:33

YANBU to not enjoy this. Tbh, I love my food and love eating in restaurants. I definitely don't live on salads and since the gym has closed, my exercise routine has been...patchy, at best.

However, I remember staying in one of a pair of holiday cottages. A lovely family stayed opposite to us and we shared recycling facilities. I was genuinely Shock at the prosecco bottles etc in the recycling. I live in england and I think that there is a different holiday culture here, where some people truly just meet up to eat very rich food and drink all day long. My (irish) parents were what I would have called fond of a drink, but they never started at 10 in the morning, "because it's holidays". Someone would have staged an intervention 😱. They did drink in the evenings, sometimes with dinner and sometimes after, but the culture of getting on it all holiday long is something I never saw till I moved to england...? Is it just me who thinks this? Maybe I don't know either country as well as I think I do and am totally off base. Sorry if so.

Anyway, I would probably go with them anyway and do my own thing in terms of food and swimming. I'd rather swim on my own. The idea of a pool all to myself is heaven! So I wouldn't write them off at all, if you like their company. Just eat what you want of what they serve, offer to cook sometimes and serve something you like with a big loaf of bread or parmentier potatoes on the side for them. Fruit for pudding and give them a big jug of cream or something. You don't have to give all your friends' meals and fitness activities your royal seal of approval - that way dickishness lies.