To NOT see eating quantities of rich food and lots of wine as an enjoyable way to spend time with friends!

[Atadaddicted]

I have two main groups of friends.

Really lovely two groups. I am very blessed. None of what I see on mumsnet sometimes about Bitching and judging etc. Just supportive kind loving and fun friends.

Very different groups. One sporty, active, healthy. When we meet we tend to do walks and a coffee, or If we meet for dinner at each other’s houses it will be delicious salads, fruit based desserts. We went on holiday together and it was spectacular. We hiked, we canoed, are fresh fish, salads - I came home feeling so rejuvenated.

Second group, food and drink lies at the Centre of gatherings. We went for a weekend away to beautiful part of the country and no one wanted to go for a walk. I tried to tempt them with a pub half way round but... no. There was a fabulous pool, but no one went in but me. The food was endlessly planned and discussed and so rich and the quantities enormous and so much drink. Despite drinking very little and stopping eating when I started to feel full, along With going for a run, swim and a walk, by the end of the weekend I felt so.... sluggish and full!

So here’s the problem. I’m beginning to less enjoy getting together with the latter group and favouring the former. And I feel so sad about it. I have suggested to the former on so many occasions over the many years we have friends that we do other stuff when we get together beside it always being about food and wine but it’s very much not on the cards.

I don’t want to lose this group of friends, I don’t want to drift away from them but it does feel like it’s happening....

There's nothing wrong with either group though. You don't need to leave either if you don't want.

I don't think it's very fair to try to change group 2 into more like group 1 just because that suits your enjoyment more.
You wouldn't be telling the other group to not go canoeing or walking and to stay in and eat loads of food because you prefer their way so why do the the opposite to the other group?

There is no reason why you can't be part of both groups but not over indulge when in group 2. You could bring salad and fruit etc with you so you have them to go with the richer foods, you can bring some sort of drink to have once you are done with the wine.
You may have to do things like walk or swim without them if you want to do that during the time you are with them though.

You have a choice on how you fit into both groups or a choice that you don't want to but the latter would mean leaving the group.
On the other side though each group should be accepting of you without ridiculing your choices so while it's perfectly ok for group 2 to eat and drink lots it's not ok for them to make you feel a spoilsport when you decide you have had enough and go on to water or say your going to miss pudding etc as long as you are not commenting that everyone should be done obviously just as it wouldn't be ok if group one acted like you were ruining things if you chose to have an afternoon in while they all went for a hike.

As I said in my post - “despite” not drinking much and not eating excessively - the lack of much movement and the type of food... well everyone was saying “bloomin heck I think I’ve gained half a stone!” Kind of thing at the end of it.

If that was me, I'd factor in something important for me, like going for a run at some point. If it was just a casual w/e gathering no one would think that odd (it's not like leaving a wedding Breakfast 1/2 way through!).

I'd be perfectly able to enjoy my friends' company while eating and drinking what I wanted to, and they would expect me to fit some mould.

It’s just different interests; your description of the first set of friends sounds like my idea of hell whereas the second sounds my thing. I don’t entirely understand how you felt so rubbish if you didn’t drink much and exercised so much during it though as I’m sure you could find wars round it.

It is just different approaches and it isn't fair to try and change group 2 if you are the only one who is unhappy. I eat pretty healthily, but if I meet with friends none of us want salads, though I am teetotal. I also hate walks, I find them really boring, but would have swum.

I would just bring your own food and plan to go for a run or whatever in the morning. You can suggest others are welcome and if not, go on your own. To be honest, I really wouldn't want to go to group 1 but I also wouldn't go and bring puddings or try and get them to stay home instead of going out. It isn't fair.

Gosh group 1 sounds dull!!

I'm also baffled by the problem. Eat as much as you want of what you want, exercise whilst your friends are chilling and make the weekend fit you. It's more than a bit controlling to keep trying to make people do things (walk, pool, food they're not that into) just to suit you and it doesn't sound like they're at all bothered by you doing your own thing when you want. I think you are judging TBH and trying to make people in your own image. If you say you enjoy your company then dip into the things you like in the way that suits you and there really should be no problem.

I have groups of friends in both camps and if I’m with the latter set and don’t feel like eating and drinking much... I just don’t eat and drink much Smaller portions, skip dessert if I don’t fancy it, drink in moderation, enjoy the company. I’m a triathlete, ultramarathon runner and lift heavy weights but still enjoy a lazy day or weekend with lazy friends. Watching people cook or helping with cooking is nice, as is lounging in a pub garden. It doesn’t mean you have to indulge. It sounds more like you just don’t like these friends much anymore.

Perhaps growing apart from Group 2 is inevitable OP.

My 'role' in my group of best friends is similar, but it's been our habit for twenty years, I've always been the one out at morning rugby training and bringing back bacon baps, or whatsapping a selfie from the top of a hill whilst they're barely stirring from their hangovers, or swimming lengths whilst they're dipping their feet with a glass of wine and a fag.
But it just works, as it's what we know. If things are changing, perhaps it is just part of life.

I mean this with kindness but I don't think your friendship is the huge boon to be carefully bestowed that you seem to imagine? You seem to imagine that the groups will be comparing or will know if you gravitate more towards one, or that this is some sort of betrayal. If you prefer spending time with group 1 then spend more time with them. You don't have to cut contact with group 2, but if you don't enjoy weekends away with them then don't go. Everyone has to balance their time spending time with the people they want to spend time with and doing the things they want to do. It's ok for you to do this, and it's not some big dilemma worth agonising over. I think you've given this a lot more thought than either group will.

I am by no means a fitness fanatic but I love walking and cycling and swimming and will quite happily throw myself into the sea for a proper swim when others are shivering on the shore.

However, I also love food and a weekend away of eating salads and fruit does not sound like a treat to me tbh. Quite happy to eat them, but surely one could mix and match?

On a weekend away, let's say they want to do fry ups or pancakes etc. Before the weekend just arrange to bring some lovely posh fruit for fruit salad and some overnight oats or nice yoghurt or whatever, and eat that. You could even check in with the others before you go "a big breakfast is really disagreeing with me, so I'm planning to have X this weekend - will anyone else want some or shall I just bring enough for me?"

At lunch we would usually do pick and mix type dishes - couldn't you plan a couple of salads to go with lunch and then you could have that as most of what you ate while the others fill up on more stodgy things?

Then for dinner, bring along some fizzy water or posh tonic that you can have if you don't want to drink, and then offer to cook one night so it's not "heavy" food all weekend?

YABU and your post is oozing with judgement. Nobody is forcing you to eat large quantities. Nobody is forcing you to drink lots. Rather than just not wanting to do those things yourself, you sound like you are somehow sad that these otherwise delightful friends have this 'failing' of liking to.indulge in rich food and wine on the (presumably not that frequent) occasions when they get together.

I walk a lot and do other exercise. I love salad and eat it every day. But when I meet up socially with friends for a meal, we pretty much indulge ourselves in food and wine.

Group 2 enjoying eating lots of rich food and drinking together. I don’t think it’s fair to try and change that, that is what they like to do. I have a groups of mates and we like to try out new places to eat and drink together, that really is the basis of our friendship group. One to one I do other things with one person of the group, because we have other things in common we enjoy, but as a group it is basically filling our cakeholes!

I don’t get it OP. Either you want to hang out with them, in which case go for it, consume what you want, no ones forcing it down your gullet.

Or you don’t, so stop.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like virtue signalling to me. ‘Oh if only everyone wanted to do the wholesome things that I like’. That kind of attitude is very off putting.

I’d love to read this from a member of group 2’s perspective. I wonder how you come across IRL

Just tell group 2 you've been having some stomach trouble and will take own food from now on.

Lots of people can't handle rich food for a few days without suffering for it.

Control how much you drink, do exercise while you're there and take salad & fruit with you.

S'all good!

Soo...you want to drop a great group of friends because of what they eat? Really? Doesn't sound like you're that close then because it's something you can easily control

Do you guys have much to talk about? Can you do more individual meet ups? I think it's the nature of things op. People change.

WIBU to ask for an introduction to group 2? They sound like my sort of people!

Stay friends with both, just don't eat or drink as much as the others. It's not compulsory to stuff yourself or get ratarsed just because everyone else is.

Sorry but I think you need to take some responsibility for yourself. If you don't want to eat wheat they eat then take and make your own.

Although unless this is a weekly occurance can't you just suck it up for the odd occasion for this?

My advice OP is you’re just not compatible with group 2.

No one wants to be doing exuberant oohs and aaahs over the tiramisu when you’re in the corner on a treadmill.

I don't really understand OP how you can have felt so bad after the weekend with group 2 when you say you ate and drank little and went for a run, a swim and a walk?

Honestly you sound a bit obsessive and hard work.

I enjoy being active - my friends are probably a balance of your two groups where we will do fun active things together, and then indulge in nice food and have lots of drinks. But you sound very abstemious in nature.

That's fine I guess, but I can't imagine how strict your diet normally is if a couple of days or even one meal of rich food (with you not eating much, and still exercising) can have such any negative impact on you.

If it's that bad - maybe just bring your own food?

I have been in similar situations in the past and wonder if you maybe feel a bit judged by group 2 even if they don’t say anything. Try not to over think it, eat and drink what you want and choose to spend time with people who’s company you enjoy. You’ll probably end up seeing group 1 most. But don’t be afraid to tell group 2 that’s it’s not your sort of thing, they could compromise by going for walks/swimming and then enjoying a big meal. But I do sympathise with you, there are so many more interesting things to do than eat

But don’t be afraid to tell group 2 that’s it’s not your sort of thing, they could compromise by going for walks/swimming and then enjoying a big meal.

But why do they need to compromise when it sounds like everyone is happy with their dynamic except OP?

For what it's worth I'd also never pass up the chance for a swim, would definitely want to go on long walks if in nice countryside, etc so it's not that I don't understand why OP prefers to be with the more active group, I just don't think that then means she can try and mould the less active group to her preferences.

I'd take the swimming, hiking, canoeing and also the cake

Neither group is wrong! I have lots of friends that I love to hang out with for a day. But being holiday-compatible is harder, you either need very similar lifestyle expectations, or to agree that people do their own thing, sometimes cook separately, have days out on their own. I've learnt to discuss this stuff before holidays with people.

You're not compatible with the second group. You can't change what they consider a good break, so either stop going so often, or go but do your own thing when there.

As PP have said, you are the problem - not group 2!

Lots of people see weekends away or the odd social occasion as a time to treat yourself and enjoy food and wine with friends.

It sounds like you are really into healthy living (as group 2 people may be at other times) and naturally very active and not one to overindulge...But perhaps to an extent that you want everything to revolve around it. Not a problem - as you did, go on a run, walk and swim alone at quiet moments and enjoy some of the food and wine - again, it is under your control how much you consume... But let your friends enjoy the weekend their way too.

If group 2 are good friends, they will accept and not comment on you popping off for a run or stopping after one small portion of food. Likewise, you don't need to blink an eyelid if they over-indulge and are enjoying chatting to friends over wine.