AIBU to not tell my friend what her son is doing?

[IvyLovesWales]

My friend has a son the same age as my DD (13) and they are very good friends.

My friend is very strict with what her children eat and they rarely get treats, sweets etc. She controls everything they eat and can raise her eyebrows at my fairly relaxed attitude with what DD eats, we're good friends so this doesn't bother me.

Her son has coeliac disease so follows a gluten free diet. He knows what he can and can't eat and knows he'll be poorly if he eats gluten.

So here's my moral dilemma, since lockdown rules have been relaxed DD and her son have been going on walks together (socially distanced) most days, sometimes twice. I've found out from DD he's taking money with him and buying loads of sweets/treats sometimes 2/3 family bags of sweets, Pepsi and eating the lot before they get home. DD buys some treats, but as she gets them regularly she's not going to his extremes.

Yesterday he bought sweets that were labelled 'may contain gluten' and DD begged him not to eat them in case he was poorly. He said he wanted to try them and still ate them, thankfully he was OK.

He confides in my DD a lot about his feelings around the food control at home and I've seen the crushed looks from her kids when they are offered treats, and she won't let them have them. I know she has to be careful with gluten with him, but I feel he is rebelling now.

He's asked DD not to tell me in case I tell his mum, DD also said she'll have betrayed him if I do and he won't confide in her anymore, and she's right.

My friend will come down harsh on him if she finds out, she'll stop the walks and they really enjoy them. So do I let him get on with it and say nothing, or tell her especially as he's risking his health eating gluten.

I'm leaning towards keeping my beak out but I know she'll ask me if I was aware if she finds out!

Beak out. He's not doing heroin.

@MaidenMotherCrone Yes you are right, it’s not heroin but it could damage his health. Coeliac disease should be taken seriously as it can lead to all sorts of problems.

Difficult situation for you but I wouldn’t probably say anything..

Many coeliacs take risks with 'May contains' (Not advisable, but...)

At 13 he is at the age where it is increasingly his responsibility to understand and manage his diet. With independence comes responsibility. He will only need to become ill and spoil his day a few times when out with friends to realise it's probably not worth the risk.

Part of being that age is making mistakes and learning from them.

Don't say anything as you are not only ruining the trust between him and your dd but also breaking your dds trust in you. Poor kid no wonder he's scoffing his face at every opportunity. I'm quite strict with my 2 with eating crap but not to that extent.they do get treats,especially if they are with other kids that are having treats. Its cruel to leave them out.

Don’t say anything.

No I wouldn’t tell his mother as to be honest she sounds horrendous! Way to fuck up your kids!!

I think your friend needs some support, actually. Yes, what her son is doing is dangerous (and she definitely needs to be told about it - this is her child's health we're discussing) but it sounds like she's struggling with giving him the freedom to learn to be responsible instead of rebellious.

Is she in contact with Coeliac UK or something similar? They'd be able to give her some advice and support both her and her son while they adjust to him having more freedom over his diet. This won't be the first time they've encountered a rebellious teenager who wants to binge on foods that might not be safe for them!

I would say nothing.

Kid eats sweets behind his mother's back. No biggie- and at 13 is able understand his health issues. In 3 years time he will be 16 and his mother will no longer be able to control what he eats.

I thought you were going to say he had been shoplifting.

No, he's 13. He needs to be able to manage his disease himself. If he eats something that makes him ill. He'll not do it again. And as PP's have said. Your daughter will not trust you again.

Wouldn’t say anything to your friend.

Would be concerned that, beyond expressing concern, your DD ‘begged’ him not to eat the ‘may contain gluten’ item. Would talk to her about boundaries, not trying to ‘rescue’ people etc. Perhaps look at advice for teens what to say/do if concerned about friends’ choices/wellbeing.

It’s very common for coeliac teenagers to rebel. My DD is coeliac. Her consultant has always said may contain is ok. I am aware that is controversial. Many coeliacs do eat May contains. Most restaurants are effectively may contains too when you stop and think about it.

It would depend how ill he could be, some children can become very ill.

I would ask your dd to try and change the walks, and what they are eating - they can still eat junk but maybe something without gluten, using the excuse that the lockdown is over - why not try and do something else with their time? Explain to her the issues he could have etc, and then keep quiet. I imagine your dd has the best chance of influencing him to take more care.

I have Coeliac Disease. As a pp says many Coeliacs do play Russian Roulette a bit with May Contain products. May Contain usually means it’s not got any Gluten in the ingredients but it’s made in the same factory as products that do contain gluten so could be cross contaminated.

I really empathise with him. The problem is that his Mum is so strict that if she is notified she’s likely to make the problem worse! A friend growing up had a mother like this who was extremely controlling around food and at the same age, as soon as she had a little job, she began binge eating. She spent all her money on food and would lock herself in her room with KFC family buckets, Chinese takeaways and multipacks of chocolate and pop (all at once) She’s now in her 30s and hovers around a size 26 and probably won’t live long due to the amount of fat she eats and the strain it’s put on her body.

Could you speak to the boy a bit more in depth?

It’s not as bad as if he’d intentionally ate a pie or a cake or something but if it leads to that route he could be putting himself at risk of cancer.

I really don’t think his Mum is going to do anything that’s actually going to help him. What’s his Dad like?

You’re entitled to your private opinions about your friend’s parenting. Wouldn’t try to hide those opinions from your DD.

parents seeking to restrict access to certain foodS (eg sweets, crisps, manufactured biscuits) may or may not be a factor in their DCs’ food choices/behaviours.

I grew up in a home with parents ‘relaxed’ about food, with what I now regard to be junk food always in the house, and developed a binge eating disorder. Lots of DC develop issues with food, for lots of different reasons, some related to the home environment, some not.

Stay out of it, he’s old enough to make his own choices.

“ I would ask your dd to try and change the walks, and what they are eating”

No. Beyond expressing concern, it’s not this young man’s friends’ responsibility to try to ‘manage’ HIS issues. Not an appropriate or healthy road for OP’s DD/his friends to go down.

Are you 100% sure he has celiac disease? She sounds very controlling over his diet and this disease allowed even more control. I'm dubious but obviously don't know this woman very well.

Beak out.

What do you think your friend needs to know about? The sweet eating or the gluten eating?

Teenager eats sweets behind mother’s back is not news. Yeah it’s not ideal binge eating like that but it’s not cocaine and both your kids will do worse before they’re 18 - don’t break your DD’s trust now!

The gluten thing is a bit of a non-issue too. Loads of coeliacs take a risk with ‘may contain’ items all the time. And he was fine.

But as a PP said I think the most concerning thing is that your DD ‘begged’ him not to eat them in case he got ill. I think have a chat with her about boundaries. Saying she didn’t think he should eat them but it’s up to him would have been a normal proportionate response.

I’d stay out of it, I’m normally one who says the other person needs to know but I think his mum sounds overbearing on the food issue - not just gluten but overall.
Her choice to parent like that but did she not realise that her children might end up, understandably, rebelling like her son is now?
He’s definitely not being taught a healthy relationship with food and that’s what would worry me, not just the ‘may contain gluten’. That’s a risk he should be allowed to decide for himself.

That's what I wondered. Does he very definitely have coeliac disease? At any rate, I'm actually struggling to think of sweets that have gluten in them. Even barley sugar doesn't! It'll only be 'prepared in a factory which, etc etc'. I'd stay out of it. This is what happens when you're draconian about what kids eat.

PS it sounds like you’d like the chance to tell your friend in order to show her up because she’s raised an eyebrow at your parenting choices before. But I think ask yourself whether that moment of satisfaction is worth your DD’s trust in you and her friendship with this boy.

I'd say nothing. I would only get involved if there was something really dangerous going on.

I wouldn't tell her either. I was allowed the occasional 10p-20p in the 90s for a little pick a mix or whatever. Occasionally I was given a mars bar if dad had gone for a paper. I had my greedy days when I was occasionally given £1 or something. Me and my friend would get a bag of goodies. It was a part of being a child. I know people on Mumsnet feel very disgusted by people feeding kids sugar. But I allow mine biscuits and chocolate. They love fruit and veg too so will happily chomp on a raw pepper or an apple. So it's all in the balance. I don't particularly buy mine sweets.

The lad needs to be careful due to his diet. But he also should be able to have a treat that's safe for him to eat. Teenagers rebel. He's eating sweets not robbing old ladies and drinking cider in the park. I'm actually guilty of drinking cider in the park 15 years ago. I was a good kid though overall. I did the occasional thing my parents would not have wanted but none of it was bad at all. Just finding my feet in life. Let him be!

Oh he definitely has celiac disease, he was diagnosed at a young age. His mum is very knowledgeable about it and is a member of groups.

I'll speak to DD about boundaries, as it's true it's not her issue to deal with.

I wouldn't say anything. He is 13 not 6. And this is why never ever letting your kids have the odd bag of crisps or pack of sweets is a terrible idea! I work at a secondary school and this is very common behaviour. I often see pupils chucking their healthy home-made lunches in the bin while they guzzle share size packs of doritos and energy drinks instead that they bought on the way to school.