AIBU to not tell my friend what her son is doing?

[IvyLovesWales]

My friend has a son the same age as my DD (13) and they are very good friends.

My friend is very strict with what her children eat and they rarely get treats, sweets etc. She controls everything they eat and can raise her eyebrows at my fairly relaxed attitude with what DD eats, we're good friends so this doesn't bother me.

Her son has coeliac disease so follows a gluten free diet. He knows what he can and can't eat and knows he'll be poorly if he eats gluten.

So here's my moral dilemma, since lockdown rules have been relaxed DD and her son have been going on walks together (socially distanced) most days, sometimes twice. I've found out from DD he's taking money with him and buying loads of sweets/treats sometimes 2/3 family bags of sweets, Pepsi and eating the lot before they get home. DD buys some treats, but as she gets them regularly she's not going to his extremes.

Yesterday he bought sweets that were labelled 'may contain gluten' and DD begged him not to eat them in case he was poorly. He said he wanted to try them and still ate them, thankfully he was OK.

He confides in my DD a lot about his feelings around the food control at home and I've seen the crushed looks from her kids when they are offered treats, and she won't let them have them. I know she has to be careful with gluten with him, but I feel he is rebelling now.

He's asked DD not to tell me in case I tell his mum, DD also said she'll have betrayed him if I do and he won't confide in her anymore, and she's right.

My friend will come down harsh on him if she finds out, she'll stop the walks and they really enjoy them. So do I let him get on with it and say nothing, or tell her especially as he's risking his health eating gluten.

I'm leaning towards keeping my beak out but I know she'll ask me if I was aware if she finds out!

Don't mention it. One of my DD's young friends has been choosing to eat meat at our house for 3 years now since he was about 11.

He's not vegetarian for religious or health reasons but because his Mum is and she won't cook meat and doesn't let him eat it either.

When he first began coming for playdates I was careful to offer only vegetarian foods for him and DD...we don't eat tonnes of meat so it wasn't hard.

However as he became more comfortable here as time passed, he began asking "Is that ham? Can I try a bit please?"

I have let him and we've never discussed telling his Mother because at 11, a child can choose their own path as long as it doesn't affect his health...and it doesn't.

He does the same at his other friend's homes. Eats sausages and beef and anything else that's on offer. We all keep quiet about it.

He's 13. Eating something that 'may contain traces of' is his judgement call to make. He's old enough to understand that it's a risk, but a pretty low one.

If he was actually eating gluten, that would require more thought/sensitivity as to how to proceed.

May contain is probably a non-issue for him. I have two kids with multiple non IgE allergies severe, older one about the same age as this boy, and being "begged" not to eat something she know is safe would piss her off royally - not your DD's job at all.

As for the gorging - this is commonplace with loads of kids this age with no food restrictions; my kid says masses of their peers do this.

There may be some control issues around food in the home; as a parent, it's hard to manage that healthy eating message and also manage the celiac/allergy control,.as it's a double whammy. I've learned that I need to be a bit more flexible re treats/sweets so that they feel "normal" and it doesn't become a battleground - however, we still really bang on about healthy eating, and about treats being treats not everyday food.

So what I'm saying is, it's easy to condemn and blame the parent, but his behaviour is normal and prob not a big deal.

Not a celiac desease, but my dc has severe allergy. We have very strict diet. And he knows what he can and can't eat. But sometimes he choose to eat something "that may contain xxx", knowing his risks. I cannot control dc's diet forever so I let them try.
If he is eating knowing the risk, I wouldn't tell his parents. If my dc's friends mum told me that my dc was eating something that said "may contain xxx" out of my sight, I don't know what to say. I would just say it's up to him. (obviously it's different if he is actually eating something that he is severly allergic to, but he knows better not to do that, he is the one that suffers.)

I wouldn't say anything but I would talk to your daughter so she understands she's going a bit far. Getting him the odd treat is fine, he has to learn to manage his condition and eating habits. Getting him loads isn't a good idea.

The thread about 'small things your parents did' has a depressing amount of posters with food issues because of parental control over food.

I had a much different idea of your dilemma also! Must be a sign of my misspent youth
I also had a friend with dietary restrictions when I was young who binged on rubbish when she got the chance. Although she was Type 1 diabetic so slightly more dangerous.
She's fine now, a healthy weight middle aged woman who survived her teenage rebellion as well as most of the rest of us.
Do talk do your DD about how she is not responsible for anyone but herself please.
I was nearly 30 before I realised that and I think it had a much more detrimental effect on my life than my sugar addiction.

The boy asked your daughter not to tell you, and she broke his trust and told you.

And now you’re wondering if to break the trust further by telling his mother?

Yep that’s gonna push the boy so far away and probably end up with his mother stopping him having any independence at all! If you need to keep out of it or you’ll lose a friend, too.

It's good that you and DD are concerned, but it's not something you need to pass on to his mum.

I'm coeliac and often eat 'may contain' foods. I think I've had a reaction once, and that was after a bucketload of Dairy Milk over several days. I still eat it every so often, but not in such large quantities!

Don't say anything - it doesn't sound as though he's choosing the 'may contain' sweets all the time, and imo he's old enough to make that decision.

Long term gluten ingestion is the problem with coeliac disease - a short-term glutening is unpleasant for a few days or weeks (depending on your body), but it's the long term health issues which are the problem.

I would stay out of it.

Keep it to yourself ‘nothing to see here!’

My sil banned her ds’s from having sweets. When I asked for sugar in my tea, they went into their kitchen cupboard to the highest shelf where it was hidden. Her eldest was 20 🙄 that’s only one example of how controlling she and her dp are.

With all that control, they couldn’t wait to leave home. One is just finishing uni and the other is known for dealing drugs. My sil rarely sees them or knows where they are. They couldn’t wait to escape.

I wouldn't tell her, for many many reasons. First among those is that it would destroy the trust between you and DD and her and her friend.

Two kids with Coeliac here. It can be damaging to heath to eat gluten. I’d get some treats in and have your dd take them with her.

@newphoneswhodis

Are you 100% sure he has celiac disease? She sounds very controlling over his diet and this disease allowed even more control. I'm dubious but obviously don't know this woman very well.

This exactly

Definitely don’t say anything, poor kid, he’s got enough restrictions on his diet with being coeliac. He’ll probably rebel more as time goes on, kids with parents that are very controlling often do in my experience.

This boy will never trust your daughter again and you will harm your relationship with your daughter as well if you were to tell his mum.

YANBU. Don't tell his mum. This is what happens when you abuse your children. And controlling food to such extremes is a form of abuse.

I had a friend who's mother told her she was allergic to chocolate from a really young age. She wasn't. It's really not a nice thing to do to your child and like your friend's son, she also rebelled and started eating it a lot.

It will rarely have the effect you want it to. I'm not surprised he is rebelling. What on earth did she expect.

A healthy relationship with food is enjoying all things in moderation, not banning treats completely, that will never work with kids.

I have coeliac disease. I ignore the "may contain" warnings unless it actually contains gluten containing ingredients. You'll probably find that the majority of people who have a coeliac's diagnosis are the same.

This sounds like a normal part of teen rebellion. It's not like he has diabetes or an allergy and is in danger of immediate death. I wouldn't tell his mum.

For a food to be considered gluten free the gluten content has to be below a certain level (20 parts per million I think). This means that food that definitely contains (a very small amount of) barley or wheat can still be labelled gluten free. If a food "may" contain gluten but doesn't have it in the recipe the chances of that tiny amount of cross contamination exceeding 20ppm is so unbelievably small that most people consider it to be an acceptable risk. My dietician disagrees (but she also said I should have two ovens so I've decided she's not to be listened to).

Beak out, I would say. She may want to keep the diet healthy at home but I don’t believe for a second she doesn’t know he is eating things that are “forbidden” while out.

I’m sure that, as any parent raising a kid with dietary restrIctions know, she she is gradually passIng the responsibility to her son of caring for his own diet in preparation for adult independent life, that transition starts mostly at the time they go to secondary school. At that time you start letting them to assess some of the risks and learn with their mistakes, a teenager always knows better.

If she was soo controlling of her kid‘S diet, I can assure you that kid would not even have money when he is out (I’m sure she is finding forbidden sweet wrappers all around the house as well )

This happened to my friend’s daughter at same age. She started eating banned food because her friends were eating it and she wanted to fit in. Was ok for a bit then had massive set back. Doctor told her it was ok to break the rules occasionally but to be very strict on diet normally. Perhaps your DD could have this conversation with him. You can coach her what to say. That way nobody snitches. Poor kid.

Don’t say anything. If he were taking drugs yes, but not sweets!

Don’t say anything.

I am a coeliac and avoid all food containing gluten. If a label states 'may contain gluten' this is often due to having gluten products in the same factory so there could be cross contamination or the company is covering all bases from a legal point. I wouldn't worry about this too much.

If parents are too controlling over food this can often lead to problems and the children can't self regulate. I wouldn't tell the boy's parent but I would encourage your DD to speak up and say he doesn't need that amount of sweets. Hopefully this lad will calm down with his over indulgence very soon.

keep quiet. or it would be a massive fallout.

I wouldn't tell his mother unless you are happy for your daughter to never trust you again. However, it is a bit weird that your daughter is betraying his trust yet expecting you not to betray hers. I think I'd explain to her about double standards and hypocracy.

If I had very serious concerns for his health then I would probably ask my daughter not to go on the walks with him if she isn't able to positively influence him so that he doesn't endanger himself. Otherwise, apart from discussing double standards and maybe chatting about when and when not to keep secrets, I'd keep out of it.

Beak out.

If you tell you betray your daughters confidence, and possibly ruin their friendship.

He’s revelling because she’s too strict. You telling on him will make him find other ways. At least this way your DD can alert you if he becomes unwell.

It’s the lesser of the weavils