AIBU to not tell my friend what her son is doing?

[IvyLovesWales]

My friend has a son the same age as my DD (13) and they are very good friends.

My friend is very strict with what her children eat and they rarely get treats, sweets etc. She controls everything they eat and can raise her eyebrows at my fairly relaxed attitude with what DD eats, we're good friends so this doesn't bother me.

Her son has coeliac disease so follows a gluten free diet. He knows what he can and can't eat and knows he'll be poorly if he eats gluten.

So here's my moral dilemma, since lockdown rules have been relaxed DD and her son have been going on walks together (socially distanced) most days, sometimes twice. I've found out from DD he's taking money with him and buying loads of sweets/treats sometimes 2/3 family bags of sweets, Pepsi and eating the lot before they get home. DD buys some treats, but as she gets them regularly she's not going to his extremes.

Yesterday he bought sweets that were labelled 'may contain gluten' and DD begged him not to eat them in case he was poorly. He said he wanted to try them and still ate them, thankfully he was OK.

He confides in my DD a lot about his feelings around the food control at home and I've seen the crushed looks from her kids when they are offered treats, and she won't let them have them. I know she has to be careful with gluten with him, but I feel he is rebelling now.

He's asked DD not to tell me in case I tell his mum, DD also said she'll have betrayed him if I do and he won't confide in her anymore, and she's right.

My friend will come down harsh on him if she finds out, she'll stop the walks and they really enjoy them. So do I let him get on with it and say nothing, or tell her especially as he's risking his health eating gluten.

I'm leaning towards keeping my beak out but I know she'll ask me if I was aware if she finds out!

*rebelling not revelling

Does he really have this disease? Does his mum have a strange relationship with food herself and she’s pushing it into her son? Either way I’d stay out of it. You didn’t witness this yourself so....

I knew a boy when I was a child who was allergic to nuts. Every couple of years or so he'd go mental and eat peanut butter straight from the jar. Obviously his parents found out as he had to be blue lighted to the hospital each time.

Anyway I wouldn't say anything. It's your daughters confidence you'll be breaching if you do and then she won't trust you anymore. If/when she finds out just act like you didn't know. Because you'll still need to maintain your daughters trust and she's more important than your control freak friend

What sweets is he eating that contain gluten? The vast majority of sweets and chocolates are gluten free. “May contain gluten” means the sweets were made in a factory where other foodstuffs, containing gluten, are made.

If he is Gluten intolerant and eats gluten he’ll soon know about it! A lot of foods suitable for coeliacs is learnt through trial and error. I live with 2 coeliacs. One can eat foods that makes the other one very ill and vice versa.

It is not your place to say anything and you will lose his trust and your DD’s. May contain gluten is just covering the manufacturer’s back and there is only a minuscule risk of cross contamination from the factory if it is not in the ingredients list.

Another coeliac who eats may contain" food, here.

Butt out. There's no win for anybody in you telling her.

Teenagers do rebel and eat shyte in vast quantities. Hopefully he will feel sick eating too much sugar and crap and naturally modify what he eats.

Your daughter needs to butt out of his dietary needs too, especially as it sounds like he's eating crap to rebel, so begging him not to do a thing is a surefire way to get him to do a thing. Teach her about basic reverse psychology, and model a middle road, healthy eating with a few sweet treats.

I have a friend who is in her fifties and has Coeliac disease and still shoves cake down her neck every so often, despite knowing it will make her unwell. It's got to be his choice how he manages his illness - you can guide him if he asks but telling tales to his Mum will do nothing but harm.

As an aside, we have friends whose DC eat no sweets or chocolate. I have never known children to move so quickly when they're at parties when the puddings/sweets come out. I always smile and leave them to it when they're at our house - I'm sure their Mum knows I turn a blind eye, I'm sure she judges me for what my DC eat, life goes on.

Yes, most definitely keep your beak out.

It's absolutely none of your business. Not your child, not hurting you, not hurting your child.

Don't get involved, because, honestly, NO ONE will thank you for it. Your friend will be cross you didn't tell her sooner. Your DD will be cross you broke a confidence, and she'll probably get backlash off the boy, because her mum can't keep a fairly harmless secret.

I wouldn't say anything - your DD is going to suffer the most from the social consequences as (1) she will have been let down by you in passing the information on when she thought you'd listen to her and respect her wishes (2) she will have damaged her relationship with her friend as she'll have betrayed his confidence and (3) it will likely stop their walks which they both enjoy.

It's also likely to make DD think twice about confiding in you in future, which could put her in danger as she gets older.

Obviously if it were a safeguarding issue or something, it would be a completely different story, but this is a 13 year old making his own dietary choices in the context of what seems like a very controlling relationship at home.

I would wonder whether the mother is still treating him like a young child and is simply denying him foods without educating him on his own health condition. As a parent of children with dietary needs, it seems odd for a teenager to go that crazy when they're out if they understand the reasons they have to restrict their diet. Obviously teens do sometimes relax their diets around friends, but to do it to this level of excess does make me wonder what he understands/believes about his own health condition.

Also, it's his body to get to know - perhaps he can tolerate more than his mother thinks because she hasn't given him the chance.

I have been diagnosed with ceoliacs - all ceoliacs have various reactions to gluten - ‘may contain’ would not worry me but my ceoliac friend would need to avoid it. BUT if he is that sensitive he would know about it and have immediate consequences. I would not worry about his behaviour - my mum was strict with us on food and then as an adult it has meant I overeat certain foods. The worst that can happen to him is he gets sick from too many sweets - and then he’ll learn that overeating them is not a good idea. I would stay out of it.

Stay out of it. Hes sneaking junk food he could be smoking or doing worse things. He sounds like a good boy.

My son has intolerances and can eat then have major diorhia straight after so he knows what not to eat if he doesnt want major stomach ache. This boy sounds sensible enough to know. And he was right.