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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be incredibly sad...

82 replies

Megadesk63 · 16/07/2020 21:31

That my husband will have to miss his third Christmas in a row with our son and I?...
This also being our son's third Christmas in this world as well (he'll only be 2.5yo).
He's trying his absolute hardest to get his shift changed but it seems like it's not going to happen. And then he's down to work boxing day and 27th as well. (Night shifts which wipe the days out).
I know it's not a massive thing to some, but it's a huge deal in both our families, and I just wish there was some way, feel utterly powerless.
There are a number of other people on the team that could do the shift (who haven't done it the last two years as well) so it's not exactly like he's the only one who could.
It's just been crap on top of crap recently, and this was the cherry on top. And I can't moan about it around him because he's already incredibly sad.
Not sure why I'm posting, maybe just for some solidarity if anyone else has been in the same position, maybe just because it would be good to know if I'm going mad expecting some consideration to be given about a third Christmas shift in a row.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 16/07/2020 22:50

Oh, that is really miserable. I would be feeling very sad too. I love Christmas and your son's at the age where he'll be starting to understand it.

I love the idea of making Christmas on a different day (I know it isn't the same). You might feel better if you could plan, and throw yourself into preparing for your Christmas day. Would family be able to come up and see you if it were the 28th or the 22nd or whatever?

But I also think it would be fair for your husband to point out that the 'random' allocation has meant he's not had a single Christmas with family in three years, and he's feeling rotten about it. I really think if I were the boss, I'd rig it so he'd get next Christmas guaranteed.

PenfoldPenny · 16/07/2020 22:52

I do agree your dh should be more assertive though.

heeblejeeble · 16/07/2020 22:53

I know the feeling. In almost 10 years of marriage my husband has spent only 4 Christmas she’s with us. He’s military and constantly gets sent away over Christmas. I think just making Christmas special for the kids is all you can do, lots of handmade decorations with the year on them so looking back he can share the Christmas memories with you.

Whattodo121 · 16/07/2020 22:54

DH works shifts in emergency services. His shift pattern is set in stone and no one is allowed to take any leave or swap anything over the Xmas period. When he’s been on nights on Xmas day we do presents when he gets home in the morning and then have dinner when he wakes up at around 5pm. This year for the first year in 12 years the shift pattern has fallen in his favour, and he’s got both Xmas and NYE off. It sucks, it really does, but DS deals with it fine and for us the payoff is that DH gets loads more time off the rest of the time to do school runs etc as he’s not doing the 9-5. Thankfully I’m a teacher so childcare in holidays is always covered which does make things easier as at least we don’t have to juggle that too.

Daisy12Maisie · 16/07/2020 22:54

I'll have to work 3 christmases in a row and wont get to spend them with my children. Its just what it is. I do the job for the children to support them but its incredibly s* to miss Christmas. Unavoidable though. At least it sounds like you have someone reliable and willing to provide for his family and make the children proud doing a worthwhile job.
I have a pretend Christmas on a random day then my children spend actual Christmas with their dad.

Zilla1 · 16/07/2020 22:54

That's terrible, OP. I thought first come first served went out with the dinosaurs.

In acute, shifts tended in the past to involve having either Christmas or New Year's Eve off. The following year would be swapped. There would be some informal priority to families with young children for Christmas Day but as young, unmarrieds tended to want New Year's Eve off, it usually tended to work out with people getting what they preferred most years.

Hope you get what you want. Good luck.

LullabyTime · 16/07/2020 22:54

We’ve got round this over the years by making Christmas happen on whatever rest days fell either side of the big day and it’s worked well for us. Extended family always accepted it and worked with us to meet up too.

Our DD is now 18, so DH is now the one that agrees to swap shifts in order to allow others with young children to be at home.

As long as Christmas happens, kids cope with a slight variation in date, etc.

excuseforfights · 16/07/2020 22:54

After the CF threads I’ve read on MN I wouldn’t be surprised if there are shenanigans afoot. Hope not.

InFiveMins · 16/07/2020 22:59

Aww, I feel for you and him OP. If it makes you feel any better, my Dad wasn't at home for Christmas for the first 7-8 years of my life as he was at work. We made it special when he WAS at home. There will be a time when he WILL be at home and if its any silver lining, maybe he will be at home one year when your child is old enough to appreciate what is going on a bit more?

AmberAndAlexsMum · 16/07/2020 23:00

Don't know anything about this kind of situation but I can see it is very sad and you have my sympathy.

Luckily your child is still too young to totally realise the sadness of it all but here's another vote for shifting Christmas day. After all any day can be made very special with a bit of hard work and imagination.

Luck and love to you and your lovely family.

Pixxie7 · 16/07/2020 23:05

I worked Christmas for seven years in a row, but managed on a few hrs sleep in the afternoon not ideal, but managed.

Yester · 16/07/2020 23:07

God we had this. It was very depressing when the dc were little. Eventually after lots of complaints rhe shifts got changed to every other year. Definitely agree about choosing a different day but its not the same. I spent 2 years in a row with me 3 little dc and MIL who was sniffy when they got teary or gripey Sad

PurpleDaisies · 16/07/2020 23:12

There would be some informal priority to families with young children for Christmas Day but as young, unmarrieds tended to want New Year's Eve off, it usually tended to work out with people getting what they preferred most years.

This is wrong. If people want to swap between themselves that’s fine, but giving priority to people with kids is wrong. Everyone’s personal life is important.

SLN01 · 16/07/2020 23:13

I completely understand how you feel OP, my DP works rolling 12 hour shifts that cannot be swapped and no annual leave is allowed at Christmas. The way his rota falls means he normally has 3 years working over Christmas and should then have a couple of years off but they changed the teams around at the end of his 3 years and he didn't get his years off. Our DD was 5 this year and last Christmas was the first year she really noticed he wasn't around. We always make it special for her on another day but it's not the same. It's easier when he is on nights as he gets up earlier and we get part of the day but it's hard on the day shifts as he leaves early and it's late when he is home. I really hope you can get something sorted out.

Inthemuckheap · 16/07/2020 23:21

That's sad. I run a 24/7/365 service and we have a rule that if you work Christmas you get New Year off and following year you work New Year and get Christmas off. Night staff don't really worry about working over Christmas Day/Boxing day- but New Year isn't so much fun. It's double pay too which is always a bonus!

Boxing Day is also on a rota. Staff are happy with this and it works well.

covilha · 16/07/2020 23:28

I work NHS and we usually alternate between Christmas and NY/ NYE- I am an exception because I tend to work both and then have a chunk of time off on the rotor afterwards.
But this is at my own request and if I did not wish to do this I would never expect it to work two Christmases in a row. Hope you get everything sorted, OP it does sound pretty rotten at the moment. 💐

BackforGood · 16/07/2020 23:33

It is a shame if you are trying to co-ordinate with other families or if it is important you attend Christmas day service before doing anything else, but otherwise, it is easy enough to "do" Christmas Day on another day - be that Christmas Eve or between Christmas and NY. Teens and adults you might want to share with could also share with you on that day too.

There are pros and cons of all jobs.

DodgeRainClouds · 16/07/2020 23:46

Move Christmas your child will not know. My mum did this a few times when she had to work and only admitted it recently!

verypeckish · 16/07/2020 23:48

@Megadesk63

He's in emergency services - they've said the allocation is at random, and that leave is first come first serve. But that surely can't be the case if he's had it three years in a row? He's trying to someone to swap for new years, just no one seems keen (totally understand that!). Definitely going to make sure it's in writing and go up the chain, we just can't think of anything else he can do. Sorry for being miserable, I was just so hoping that this year would be our year together!
How can the allocation be both random and first come first served?

That doesn't make sense.

Grandmi · 16/07/2020 23:56

Most emergency/ NHS employers ensure that people alternate each year . Get your husband to be assertive!

NoProblem123 · 17/07/2020 00:03

Why has no one suggested he’s got a second family ??
AIBU has gone really tame lately Grin

Diversion · 17/07/2020 00:31

Working Christmas is horrible. I work alternate Christmas/New Year. I dont care for New Year but the Christmas Day/Boxing Day shifts are awful especially as I make dinner for 12 people and then dash off to work. He needs to speak to the powers that be/have words/put his foot down. We all have people who we want to spend Christmas with and it needs to be fair

TenShortStories · 17/07/2020 00:31

If there's any benefit in appealing to managers then I'd actually take it on the chin this year and save asking for shift changes for other Christmases over the next few years when it will matter even more to you both because your son understands what's going on.

That may be just me though - I didn't mind so much when the kids were tiny and just happy with whatever was going on.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/07/2020 00:37

DH has done either Christmas Eve/ day/ Boxing Day for 8 years now😱 He has a fixed day of the week/weekend (weekend is fri/sat/sun & Monday morning ward round) rota and due to the calendar day change, it keeps falling to him. ( his day is a thursday, so then it flipped to being his weekend, then along came a leap year so it flipped forward again) absolute nightmare but nothing we could do about it. He has this year off!
But definitely in your husbands case that sounds like they are taking the piss

WombOfOnesOwn · 17/07/2020 00:42

I know a man who told his wife a very similar story -- the wife is my friend, not the man himself, though we've met socially a number of times.

She was so angry (kind of a hotheaded person in general) that she called his employer to plead her case for a Christmas together. That's when she found out he'd been asking to do the Christmas shift ever since their baby had come along, because he didn't really like the holiday and thought it was a lot of bother for little reward.

Needless to say, she was both embarrassed and livid. They're still together, but I'd guess she took a proverbial chunk out of his hide over it. The next Christmas, photos showed they were all together, though he didn't look too impressed by the whole situation.