..to consider shopping my friend for her benefit fraud?!

[NadiaBaggyTwat]

My friend and I both work in local government. We are quite close and I have known her for years but she is incredibly bad with money and never makes any attempt to get herself back on track. Usually her mother bails her out and she just goes on spending. She is a good hearted person, but this is the one aspect of her that I find really hard to stand by and watch.

Close to Christmas, a group of us, including said friend and our DHs are going to France for the weekend. This was arranged months ago. It's costing £200 per couple and my DH and I are having a really really hard time financially at the moment (not from overspending but problems with DH's business) so we weren't going to go but friend owes me £150 from something I paid for on my card (because it was a surprise from her to her DP and which she's - obviously - never paid me back for ) and to my suprise she said "well you can come because remember, I owe you £150..."

So we agreed to go. Anyway the time came for this money to be paid and I gave her the £50 as agreed (for the rest of the £200 for her to pass on to another friend who was paying all the money in) and she said she needed at least £100.. she couldn't afford to pay our money (that she owes!) because she hadn't paid her mortgage for months. I gave it to her (the trip has to be paid for!) but really resented it as I only agreed to go because I knew we wouldn't have to find much of the money!

Meanwhile, at work she is constantly talking to everyone about her posh meals out with DP, her tanning/nails/waxing appointments. And next thing, she's whining to me about the terrible state of her finances. And she does really spend money like this.. she isn't just saying it to impress!

Worse still, despite is both working for a government agency she is actually defrauding them! For well over a year now, since she has been living with her new partner, she has been claiming as a single person (with children). This amounts to over £100 a week that she isn't entitled to!!

I have told her outright time and again she needs to stop spending money like water and on luxuries she can't afford and START declaring that she has a partner living with her and the children, but nothing changes and she says she just can't afford to declare that he lives there. (They even bought a HUGE posh new house on this basis!)

I am so upset about the whole money thing and having to listen to her day in and day out talking about what she's bought (she shops compulsively as well in v.expensive clothes shops) all the while owing me money I lent her in good faith to help her out (albeit for another extravagance.. a birthday present she couldn't afford to buy her DP)... that... (and this is really bad .. I want to report her.

But if I did she may even lose her job, bearing in mind where we work.. Not to mention her house. And I would probably feel terrible forever.

I am an extreme regular with a (very inappropriate; sorry!) name change to protect various identities.

What would others do? Please?

What exactly is the issue here? It should be that this friend borrowed £150 that she hasn't repaid, and has put a spanner in the works of your xmas getaway.

This is what you need to talk to her about, quite seriously and quite severely. She is in the wrong for f'ing you over like that.

However you do sound a bit jealous of her posh new house, facials etc. It's her business if she spends money like a loon, and it will catch up with her sooner or later, because she is obviously living on credit and that credit is not going to be limitless.

I think the last thing in the world you should do is shop her for benefit fraud. It will ruin your friendship (which otherwise could get past the borrowed money issue), and it will make you a spiteful piece of work, because it won't change your own financial situation, or make you feel any better, or help sort your friend's life out in any way. It might drop her in some serious s* as people have already mentioned; she seems feckless and a bit dumb but surely doesn't deserve being shopped to the authorities?!

mild mannered - Everyone has agreed they would report a friend for mugging, killing etc

where do you draw the line - they is a grey area, where you would not report a friend.

Hi MBP im still giggling!!!

The way you introduced the topic, explaining about the holiday and your friend's spending habits first suggests that the reason you want to report her is due to your own feelings, anger at not getting your money back (even though you must know it's your fault for lending it to her in the first place as you were already aware of her spending habits), anger she can buy (I am not saying afford) things you can't. So you feel righteous and justified. But can you live with ruining someone's life because you are angry at the way they currently live it?

Being so out of control and so fixated on material goods that she will spend beyond her means and break the law suggests to me she needs compassion for her problems.

In the end, if you are willing to lose the "friendship" and you truly and honestly completely believe that losing her job, her home and perhaps going to prison will be the best thing for her then do it.

mmj; would you report the friend in the op?

oh ebenezer, you really are a scrooge what happened to your Christmas spirit (that was a joke btw)

We are not a nation of robots, we have all turned a blind eye to law breakers in some shape or form. I forgot to put my seat belt on the other day, if i was true up standing citizen i would have handed myself in!!!!

im off to make postman pat cakes, before someone reports me to social services for spending tooooo much time on here, neglecting my kids

Ooh I go backwards and forwards with this one.

My conscience would be terrible for shopping her, but, when I update them of every single change (and as a result we will lose all of DH's bonus for it ), I hate fraud, so I think I would still shop her and just have to live with bad sleep for a bit.

I also wouldn't be trusting her to pay back the money she owes me (until I have it in my hands) or ever lending her any more)!

Interesting to see that a fair few posters are calling it back-stabbing and the op being no friend to the (alleged) fraudulent one if she did report it.

The (alleged) fraudulent one is hardly being a friend to the op, is she?

I don't quite understand what benefits are being defrauded though in this case.

I'd have to be really sure of my facts before I reported anyone, but I don't think it's wrong to report someone for committing a crime.

And whilst I do agree with Edam about fatcat tax issues, that doesn't give the small-fry the right to take the piss out of the benefits system the way the op's "friend" seems to.

interesting to see that quite a few post would report a friend, due to the fact that it does effect them personally ie higer taxes. I bet they wouldnt report a friend for doing 30 in a 40 zone, jumping a red light, answering a mobile, despite the fact they could kill someone.

So its all about MONEY rather than morals or friends.

YABU and sound bitter and twisted I gather u use the term friend loosely as you don't even like the girl.
You should concentrate on your own life and leave her to hers. It's not right what she is doing but hey ho who the hell are you.
If the issue really is you find her dishonesty hard to live with then by all means warn her to stop and say if she doesn't you'll shop her but don't just because your resentful stab her in the back.

I would be demanding back the money she owes you and never ever lending her money again. I would also tell her how utterly disgraceful it is that she's defrauding the tax payer in this way and ask that she stops.
If she didn't stop I'd threaten to grass her up then follow through.

I certainly wouldn't grass up a friend behind her back. I couldn't live with that sneakiness.

All that said, I couldn't be friends with someone who behaves in this way. In fact I have moved away from two friends in the past who sponged council houses and defrauded the dole so they could enjoy hedonistic work-free lives. Those kind of people really piss me off. They're also they type who don't help wash up and don't bring anything when you cook a meal for them.

Selfish spongers are some of my least favourite people.

law3; spot on!

Don't report her and don't lend her any money.

Benefit fraud costs this country hundreds of millions of pounds every year. It is a serious matter which has wide ranging effects.

She is knowingly (I think this is the key here; not just an honest one off mistake made out of ignorance which I could accept) taking money that she is not entitled to. However, there have been people who have had to pay back in full tax credit which the IR has overpaid by mistake.

She may well try to justify it to herself as a means to survive etc. Its partly the fault of the government as well because the whole benefits system in complicated and full of holes which can make it easier to defraud.

She is not ignorant of the law, besides which ignorance is no excuse.

She is stealing money as she is not entitled to it. Benefits are for those who hit hard times till such people get back on their feet.

You never know; she may well be known to the benefits people already. You don't know what they're doing but they will take a very dim view of her activities. She will in time be found out whether you decide to report her or not. If you did decide to have a word with the benefits people she would not find out that you made the call. All calls are confidential.

Don't like this, "never grass on a friend" comment at all. Its complete and umitigated bullshit and a licence for turning the other cheek. They aren't really your "friends" are they, when the going gets tough they will desert you.

I leave you with this thought - Bad things happen when good people stand by and do nothing.

You can choose to report her online if you so wish. You don't have to phone.

Benefits people have all sorts of way to track fraud. Not all of their information re benefit fraud comes from people who decide to telephone the fraud line, far from it. They can have access to all sorts of information held on file; this is why I am saying she may well be known to them already. They may well already have their suspicions and could be building a case against her.

A website you may want to look at:-
www.dwp.gov.uk/campaigns/benefit-thieves

I personally would have no qualms about reporting her; she cannot justify taking money that she is not entitled to however it is dressed up.

BTW you will also not be told the outcome of any investigation that they may decide to carry out.

I understand how the OP feels - my ex-h is claiming benefits (including private rent) & I know he's working on the side at various 'enterprises' including buying & selling cars on ebay. He also owes me about £4k maintenance via the csa. However, my dd1 & dd2 now live with him & there is no way I could possibly bring myself to shop him as it would have an awful knock-on effect on my daughters.

So to answer the OP's question; I wouldn't shop her (although she does deserve it & it would be her own fault - no-one's making her commit fraud) simply 'cos I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it impacted on her dcs.

Well said, Attila.

i was about to say DONT GRASS just from reading the post title but then i read the actual message and it was more complex! many people on benefits do work too, but its usually more like £5 babysitting here and there.
sounds like shes raking it in, and that must be annoying, but, also, sounds like the real issue is your friendship with her. seems like you want to tell on her because you are angry with her and want her to be punished. (sorry for the pop psychology here!)which is fair enough cos it sounds like shes been an inadequate friend. but reporting anonymously may get you revenge but doesn't actually help the whole friendship situation. maybe have a think about that? and maybe she's not worth it as a friend? and maybe thats a better solution, cos its not about revenge but about not letting her disrespect you.

Tell me her name and I'll report her...I would report her as she is really taking the mick out of your friendship. Ease your guilt by waiving the loan once she is exposed.

Firstly she probably won't go to prison, secondly, she might easily get away with saying he has only just moved in and that she hadn't got round to stopping claiming yet. There has to be an investigation, and there needs to be proof she has lied, or nothing will happen.

I think if you want to keep the friendship, then tell her you've heard whispers around work that she is claiming and people aren't happy. You could act as if you thought she had already stopped but have heard people talking and was concerned, the benefit fraud leaflets could also be useful here, if she was to start finding them she might believe you.

If the friendship isn't that important, tell her you're fed up with the way she is acting, she has made you financially worse by not paying up what she owes and that if she doesn't stop claiming you will report her.

Agree with ATMC She is stealing money from the hands of hungry pensioners, children with special needs, schools, hospitals, hospices and other worthy types who clearly need it more than she does.

Be Honest. Tell her what you think and have said in this post. remember when you point the finger there is 3 pointing back.

atm; "bad things happen when good people stand by & do nothing" umm.....so if im ever unfortunate to be robbed by a crazed knifeman, i can count on you to come & help me... and i stand by my "never grass a FRIEND" because although im not condoning benefit fraud, i would not want to be the one doing the "grassing" i actually think people who grass are lower than a rattlesnakes belly,
and with friens like you who needs enemies.