To be scared of husband when he drinks?

[Marzipanface]

My husband of 20 years has a funny relationship with alcohol. He spent the first 12 years of our relationship completely teetotal. He started drinking the odd beer now and again after our first child. He has this pattern where he doesn’t drink for months on end then he’ll start having a few beers on a Friday eve, then it becomes 3/4 of an evening all over the weekend, then he starts buying crates of beer and suddenly it’s one or two every night, then the usual pattern is he will get completely pissed and be a colossal fuckwit towards me - then he gives it up again.

About five times in the whole of our relationship, he has got completely off his face and behaved appallingly. Saying unpleasant stuff to me, shouting and swearing, and at one point exhibiting self-harm. I managed to shield the kids from those episodes. Most of the time they were asleep as it happened at night.

He is unreasonable, irrational, makes no sense and is unable to co-parent effectively after drinking. I’ve started to get quite twitchy and anxious when I see he has bought a crate of beer.

Tonight he started complimenting me more than normal and getting very soppy with all of us. Telling me not to worry about stuff (minor finance issues) and generally reassuring me and being lovely. The problem is that when he becomes really emotional, it usually means he has been drinking in his office, and that a few hours later he will potentially become argumentative.

He did. I was trying to put my ten year old to sleep which is extremely hard as she has ADD/ASD and cannot sleep well at all. During lockdown with the lack of school and exercise to regulate her, her bedtimes are becoming ridiculous. At 12.30 I realized she was still awake so I came to her room and asked her to clean her teeth (again) and get into bed. Normally my DH would back me up on this tricky bedtime, but when he appeared he was obviously drunk. I took my daughter in the bathroom and made her do her teeth, and I started trying not to cry. I’m fucking tired, I’ve had the kids 24/7 during lockdown and I find it really frustrating when DH is supposed to be supervising her bedtime whilst I put the other one to bed, he was downstairs drinking and playing PC games.

Crying seemed to annoy him as he started asking why I was crying. Then he got louder and louder so I told him I would film him so he could watch it the next day to see how he behaves. I then told him I was tired and I was off back to bed. He started BELLOWING at the tip of his voice that I ‘wanted a fucking argument as usual’. I told him repeatedly that I’d didn’t and was going to bed but when he is pissed, he doesn’t actually listen. He stamped up the stairs shouting at me and woke my youngest. He was terrified as he has never actually seen Daddy that loud and angry before. My oldest started crying as well and was begging him to to stop.

He did and he went to bed but I’m left physically shaking, and very tearful. The problem is I grew up in a household with violent parents and I feel like I’m ten years old scared in my room.

The two of us have worked really hard to give our children a safe, stress free, happy household so I’m furious that he has behaved like this in front them.

Our relationship has always been relatively good. He is supportive, kind, caring - particularly during some bad health on my part. We get along great and he makes me laugh. But every now and then he gets leathered and I can’t handle it.

I don’t know if I should just be writing this off as him being pissed and not worrying to much about it as I’ve only seen him really drunk about five/six times throughout our 20 year relationship, or if I should be really worried. I felt unsafe and scared in our home earlier and my children were bewildered and scared as well.

Any advice? Am I overreacting to a stressed out DH who has had a few beers to decompress, or is it something worrying?

Sounds like he needs to give up the sauce for good.

I'd be worried too and would seriously consider if I wanted to stay in that sort of relationship.

Sorry to hear. You are not overreacting. For me it's not about how often he's been drinking but rather what he does when he drinks. I wouldn't want to be scared in my own home let alone my DCs. His behaviour and drinking habit also seems to be getting worse, so I'd constantly be on my toes every time I saw him drinking because I wouldn't know what to expect. I couldn't live like that.

I am not saying he's an alcoholic as you have mentioned that this is not his usual behaviour, however alcoholics don't just wake up one morning and realise that they are and alcoholism doesn't require daily drinking. It's usually an illness that builds up through the years. You are right to be concerned. I would wait for him to sober up, discuss the issue and for me it would either be, zero alcohol from now on, or am out, because chances are that eventually, it may progress to physical violence.

This is absolutely not ok, as you are obviously aware. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol and Ideally needs to stop drinking entirely. If that is not possible he needs to drink elsewhere, never at home.

What's happened afterwards on previous occasions OP? Does he acknowledge his behaviour, apologise for it, or deny it ever happened? Regardless, he knows it happens and he makes the choice to drink, to follow this pattern of drinking when he knows how it makes him behave towards you, I'm not sure how you get past that tbh.

And now he's exposed the kids to it there's no question, he can choose to never drink again (assuming you can bear to give him one chance) and stay with you and DC, or he can choose drink and go. First sniff of a can and he's gone though, you can't let DC (or you) be frightened like that in their own home.

So no, you're not overreacting and it is something worrying, don't let him make you doubt that when he's sober tomorrow

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Of course you aren't overreacting. It doesn't matter that its only happened five or six times. As soon as you feel scared in your own home it is definitely not ok. It is abusive behaviour, and unfortunately your children have witnessed it now too.

Have you ever spoken to him about this pattern and behaviour when is sober and calm? If so, how has he reacted? When he has sobered up you need to discuss what has happened and make it clear that you will not tolerate that behaviour from him. He might be struggling, but this does not excuse his behaviour. He needs to own up to what has happened, and you both need to work out how to move forward from this.

You would be well within your rights to call the police, as he scared you and your children, and could at some point get violent. Although calling the police probably feels like an extreme reaction as you know that most of the time he isn't like this.

It could be worth contacting womens aid as they can give you more support and advice. They have an online chat but limited hours and often gets busy, or you can email them.

He has crossed a line with his behaviour scaring your children. As he cannot control his behaviour and he is aggressive when drunk then he has to stop drinking altogether. I would give him that ultimatum and then leave for a few days, with the children, to let him dwell on his behaviour. Hopefully he will be mortified enough to change.

I also meant to say that I am sorry you are going through this. It isn't pleasant and I empathise completely with how you are feeling.

How awful. You felt unsafe in your own home - the children would have too. I'm not sure how easy it will be for them to feel safe again, not knowing when he might repeat it (and the fact it was their dad terrifying them). It's horrible as a child being afraid for your own safety and afraid your mum isn't safe from your dad - how do you fall asleep if you're frightened dad will hurt mum while you're sleeping?

In the morning, reassure them it wasn't their fault he did that (the default child understanding of bad stuff).

To me, that's an escalation and not one I'd be willing to risk happening again. It's not just the "incidents" either but the anxiety and walking on eggshells effect in between.

Although I appreciate that falls into "easy for me to say" territory.

You're not overreacting at all. He's scaring the children where they should feel safest in their own home. Tell him he either stops drinking or its over

You shouldn't feel scared in your own home OP

Shot in the dark here OP, but does your husband have any ASD or ADD traits? I ask because, as you will know, there can a genetic component to neurodevelopmental disorders. Could he be self medicating with alcohol when things build up and get too much? This would fit with the pattern you describe. To me his behaviour, which is certainly totally unacceptable, suggests someone struggling to cope. Perhaps looking at the root cause of his stress and seeing what help could be available might be the answer?

The pattern you describe is text book drink problem. And I say that as someone with a drink problem. What does he think about his relationship with alcohol?

Wait until he is sober and in a good frame of mind in a day or two and have an open and honest conversation about how you felt. Don't accuse, Dont, blame- use "I felt" not " you made me feel". Talk it through and see how you feel afterwards.

First of all I’d they are old enough (eldest is but don’t know about youngest) tell the children that’s what happens with beer if you have too much but don’t say it’s the beer talking or anything as it’s still your DHs issue, just so they understand the negative consequences too. I agree with the previous poster re “ I felt” rather than “you made me feel“ but do remember “ this time was different as the kids cried and felt scared”.

He has a problem with alcohol; he may not drink every day but when he drinks like this it causes problems. I would be saying to him that when he drinks he needs to stay elsewhere; ideally he shouldn’t drink at all but I think by saying that essentially he can drink but not come back home it will help him make the decision himself and be more motivated to keep to that

I'd give him an ultimatum, either he stops drinking or I'd leave. If you are aggressive when you're drunk then you should not be drinking. Scaring you and the children is unacceptable.

I thînk you should write down exactly what you've written here, and give it to him to read. Seeing it written down is very powerful. It's not easily misinterpreted or forgotten and he can come back to it at a different time.
It sounds to me like he just can't handle alcohol.

You need to leave him if he can't accept that he needs to get help and stay abstinent from alcohol. What he is doing is abusive towards you and the children.

Op, Imagine you were him. If YOU had behaved like he did the first time he behaved ‘appallingly’ would you drink again? Of course you wouldn’t! You would stop drinking excessively. He is actively choosing to do this. He doesn’t care that he is doing it and, if he has done it 5 or 6 times then he isn’t going to stop.

Once, maybe I could cope with but to keep doing it is not ok.

I’d either LTB or insist he does something to ensure this never happens again. You could chose to accept this behaviour if it were just you but you have the kids to think about.

If he wants to stay together with you and the dc he needs to stop drinking altogether as he is a nasty drunk.
Completely emphasise over the edgy feeling when the beer gets bought and the eggshell walking around it. In my case ex dp couldn't handle vodka and even years later the sound of the seal being broken on a bottle or the smell can put me back into some terrifying nights (trying to prevent escalation from drunken ranting to smashing up the house or waking dc).
Put yourself first and dc. Give him the ultimatum. This is no way to live.

You can't carry on like this. Alcohol makes him like this and it's getting worse - this is pretty typical of people with alcohol problems. He's now terrified your children and you are afraid of him. He has to give up the booze or you need to leave, there isn't another way.

Thanks all. I’ve woken up this morning to him apologizing and saying he doesn’t want to destroy our family and he will stop drinking. He’s also apologized to the children. He is completely reasonable and understands. But we’ve been here before

I know he is remorseful as I know he adores the children. 90per cent of the time he is a great partner and Dad so it’s really shocking and upsetting to see him transform like this.

In answer to the mner who asked if he had ADD - yes he does have these traits

The problem is that once he starts drinking, he can’t stop, and once we get past four cans, I start get really twitchy and worried. In the past, he’s just bought a four pack when he fancies a beer and that seems to work. But then at some point, more than four will appear and that’s when I start worrying.

I rarely drink and I didn’t grow up in a household where alcohol was the problem, (Violence was mental health fueled) so I don’t know if I have a quite a Puritan view about it.

I don’t think he should be drinking at all when kids are in the house, but seeing as they’ve been here for the last 14 weeks and will be until Sept, I don’t know if this is an unreasonable request .

Yes if it was just us, I’ll probably just walk out and leave him to sleep it off, but it’s not. We have two young children and one of them is really high needs and actually relies on her Dad to be stable and patient, which normally he is.

The mad thing is that for the first 12 years of our relationship, he didn’t touch a drop, so I was unaware this is how he behaved when he got steaming drunk. This is a relatively been phenomenon. Thank you for all your replies.

As a teetotal this behaviour would terrify me and I would have to leave.