Age gaps...

[morriseysquif]

38 year old man , and 18 year old woman. She is my niece, just left school in her first job.

I'm trying to think positive.

Is he nice to her, do they like each other? Problem solved.

I don't think there's any excuse for that, no. 48 and 28 not the same, 18 is a practically a child.
But nothing you can say, would make it worse I imagine.

I can't think positive on this one. The 18 years, just left school makes me very uncomfortable. She hasn't even started her life yet and he's well, almost mid through his.

Me and DP have a 18 year age gap but I met him when I was almost thirty. Some people are still practically children at 18 and some are much more independent/world's - it's up to her either way but if she's a very young 18 I suppose all you can do is be supportive and on the alert for any signs of his taking advantage of the age gap.

Seems so, but she likes to be looked after. He drinks a lot and likes a few drugs ... allegedly.

She is very young for her age and just left school. He is senior in her workplace.

To me, anybody under 25 is a baby. Don't give two hoots about a 28 year old with a 83 year old, but 18 year old with a 38 year old, man or woman? Gross. It's either predatory or the 38 year old has serious maturity issues, either way it's going to end in tears.

This is gross. Talk to her and advise her to leave. She's being used as a plaything. Tell her to ask herself why a man that age isn't with a woman his own age.

Wrong in every way. Not illegal but there's good reason it's frowned upon. How gross of him.

Is it against their company policy to date subordinates?

In any case, I would talk to her gently but advise her to leave.

I have mixed feelings about this sort of thing. There are a lot of ways it can go badly but I don't think it is always a problem.

But I can't say I think this particular example sounds promising.

He's a predator.

My husband and I have a 15 year age gap, so I have no problems with the idea per se, but this fella sounds like a nightmare.

I doubt very much she’ll listen to you if you tell her to chuck him. But in your shoes I’d be banging on relentlessly about not getting pregnant, making sure she’s savvy about STDs, rolling my eyes when she mentions his drug habit (kind of ‘Still? At his age?’sort of thing, rather than shocked), and just generally seeming unimpressed if she mentions him. Not disapproving, not outraged...just meh. You can do better.

You need to de-glamorise him, because he sounds like a dick.

The only positive is it might not work out

Yuk. My niece is 18 and as grown up as she might think she is, she really isn’t. I can’t imagine a 38 year old finding an 18 year old interesting company - they still have so much growing up to do. Although he doesn’t sound that grown up. . Agree with LunaNorths approach don’t disapprove but make him sound sad.

I dont think the age gap itself is an issue, the age gap at her age is an issue.

I never realised before reading it on here, but a lot of abusive relationships start off like this. There are often threads from women in their late 20s and 30s who have since grown up and realised their older partner is abusive. It seems they were targeted when they were new to relationships so struggled to spot the red flags, and were taken in my the older man seeming much more committed than men their age.

This doesn't mean that all relationships at those ages are abusive, but it would make me wary, along with his reputation for drinking and drugs.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though. Warning her off him wont work. Being there for her, making it clear you are there for her no questions asked if it all goes wrong, encouraging her to make sure she doesn't get pregnant and continues with her studies or gets a job so she isn't dependent on anyone else etc are all things that might help

Yuk!

Just bleurgh

depends. Casual dating - fine. But shouldn't be playing house. 38yo probably is divorced, maybe has kids - that's too much of a baggage to handle for an 18yo who's fresh out of school.

I see red flags all over this and my DH is 18 years older than me. Difference being we met when I was 30.
Unfortunately there are some mistakes that people have to make on their own (and hopefully this won’t be one but...), I would maybe try and bring up things which are unacceptable in a relationship in particular an imbalance of power and how this can lead to abuse which is more subtle than overt DV.

Sounds inappropriate and predatory to me. I would be concerned about her. I am not sure there is much you can do about it, though. At 18 she is an adult and can make her own choices, she may well be offended if you express your concerns about her vulnerability.

I suppose you could try reporting it to somebody senior to him in the hope that it might be dealt with?

Don’t blame you, OP. Your instincts are right: it’s creepy, weird and downright wrong - she’s barely out of childhood! He’s old enough nearly to be her Dad. Please keep her close, take her out for coffee alone if you can - don’t lecture her as she’ll feel pushed away - but just let her know she can always talk to you, and remind her she doesn’t have to do anything with a man that she’s uncomfortable with.

I’d be very worried if it was my daughter, or son, and I’d suspect grooming.

Hmm, no. I would be wary if this were my niece. If she was 28 and he was 48 I'd have no issue, but 18 is BARELY an adult.

I wouldn't like it at all if it were my daughter. I'd be a bit concerned about a nearly 40 year old going after someone who has just finished school

That's awful. 18 is ridiculously young and definitely power imbalance considering she's just left school.
Agree about being kind and supportive, being there for her so she can come to you if she needs to. Don't push her away.