To think that it’s impossible to start again at 50?

[IceCreamSummer20]

I’m looking for tales of inspiration as I feel very down in the dumps.

I’m in another country, in a failed 10 year relationship with a man who I thought was finally the love of my life. I really did everything to make it work. I’m going to move back to UK but delayed because of covid19. We have a child, with severe SN age 9 and I have an older DS who is off to University. I had a good career however I had to move twice. My kids had higher needs and I was in more remote areas, so just never got back on track career wise. I’m now a SAHM.

Ex is already off with younger women, bit of a cliche as he’s their boss. Annoyingly he is still really physically fit, earns loads, great job, handsome and seems to be looking forward to his future as a single man and won’t be that involved in DS with SN.

In contrast I feel like my future life is bleak. I love DS but he’s extremely challenging, exhausts most of my energy, and in reality will live with me all his life. How do I find love again? All the men seem to want women 40 or younger. Tried to date already, put my best self on, it was either young men wanting to score an older woman, or men approaching 70 wanting a nurse! I’ve tried looking again at restarting my career, had some interviews in UK, all eventually turned me down for ‘not being current enough’.

Please help! I need to know it’s not over!

Do you have a degree? You could do one online part-time (or a Masters if you already have an undergrad degree). Or retrain in some other way.

Then you will be current (though I know that is sexist code for "we don't want women who have been looking after children", even though you will have valuable life skills from it).

If you are online dating then it’s just a numbers game - go on multiple apps and eventually you will find one that attracts normal men who want someone around their own age.

What a horrible post @madcatladyforever. Have a bit of empathy and kindness.

OP, sorry I can’t offer any inspiration apart from reminding you that things will work out and it will all be okay - maybe not in quite the way you expect, but there’s happiness to be found along all paths.

I’m a single parent and have a (now grown-up) dc who’s disabled so I have an idea of how bleak things can feel sometimes, but take it all a step at a time and it’ll be fine. No reason why you won’t find someone who loves you but maybe wait til you’re back in the UK and a bit more settled in your new life.

Good luck OP.

@rosiejaune yes I already have a masters. Have been looking into a PhD and nearly got funding for one but ‘wasn’t current enough’ again...

Madcatladyforever by name, Madcatladyforever by nature!

Go for joint custody. You are both responsible for your child.

I'm 58 and there is no way I'd be living with the kind of man who wants to date me because they are all spongers and cock lodgers.

Wow! That is quite a set of limiting beliefs there.

Why would someone who wanted to date you automatically be a sponger or a cocklodger.

Sorry if this is harsh but have you considered leaving your DS with his dad? I don't see why it is always the woman that has to be burdened with the lifelong care of a disabled child unless they want to, of course. Your DS has a father with money, who likely can afford to provide outsourced care for your DS. It need not be your responsibility for the rest of your life.

There is always hope but maybe just take a step back from the rat race and give yourself time to heal and get settled back in blighty! I met my husband when I was 52 and I was living in a foreign country, and I still am and we just celebrated 6 years together and 4 years married! But, I had to endure a couple of years re establishing myself and being me! Good luck and trust in yourself and your talents.... X

I, also, agree with Madcatlady, prioritise your career, health, starting a new life in a new place as a single women. Men really aren't the priority.

I think you need to get the issue with work and childcare / schooling sorted before you try and find a relationship. If you’re moving back to the U.K. it seems slightly complicated to start up a new relationship otherwise. That being said if you have some time to yourself why not find a no strings friendship with one of those younger guys you mentioned - an occasional dusting down can’t hurt surely?

I got the best job I’ve ever had at 49!
You’re looking for someone to go out with and build a relationship slowly not someone to move in instantly. Just go on a few dates and have some fun. Your child does complicate things a bit but not to the extent that your life ends. His father must take some responsibility to look after them. Think about the sort of job you want and go for it. I’m sure you’ll meet someone but keep it light to start with and have some fun.

Tbh OP I agree with @madcatladyforever in that now is not the time to be looking for a new relationship. You will be on the serious rebound and quite vulnerable, and the last thing you or your DS needs right now is somebody else in the mix.

I would give myself time to recover from the pain of the split.

You just need someone normal who you click with. Then all the rest will be dealt with.

To find someone I think it's good to be proactive, and don't spill all your 'problems' (you don't have problems! 💐). Let your connection with someone grow first. Later add in a bit of pepper and some snipped chives, as it were. Don't chuck it all in at the start. Better to see how it goes first.

I think try lots of apps until you find a good one for you.

And the hub is a cliche. You've had him. Got the T-shirt. And he is selfish. You don't need that. There are lots of sexy 50-something men.

Be of good cheer. It'll be ok.

I wouldn’t even be thinking about meeting someone else yet!
Give yourself time to heal, you’ve had a traumatic time.
Concentrate on yourself and getting your career back on track first.

I'm your age and have kids with SN by my husband of 16 years and, honestly, if things went tits up between us, the last thing on my mind would be looking for another man.

Honestly OP I wouldn't bother. I really think you're best getting yourself and your life sorted before you even begin to think about another man. Give yourself time.

OP this may not be the advice you are looking for but have you ever tried being single, and not looking for a partner? It's such a freeing feeling to spend some time alone and get to know yourself. I never knew I liked baking until I divorced exH.

@madcatladyforever - there is no way I'd be living with the kind of man who wants to date me because they are all spongers and cock lodgers.

Is that like Groucho Marx saying, I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member?

OP - mad may have been a little blunt but the woman talks sense; home + son + career. Everything else is set-dressing and can wait.

You need a new career and some new friends. You ex can pay for childcare for your youngest, to free up some of your time so that you can go out and find both of those things. Could you afford to study for something new?

As for it being all over at 50: nonsense. Loads of people meet and marry in their fifties and sixties. Why shouldn’t you?

I bet that there will be loads of fun and friendship out there for you. Stay positive, you can do it.

My dad went to university at 50 and got a degree. He then went on to work in a field related to his degree for 12 years before he retired.
It's never too late.

Only thing is OP will return to the UK and will end up responsible for all the costs associated with her DS and starting over if her ex leaves her high and dry financially. Who will enforce an international child support arrangement?

I know I agonised over the decision to return to the UK. I tried to separate here and work it out, however Ex just used his family for childcare for DS, as he works very long hours and then busy social life - and his family did not understand DSs needs at all - it was all a nightmare really. DS regressed and I ended up lonely and zero support trying to fix the problems they’d cause, even if they didn’t mean to.

Have felt very alone for a while to be honest. I’m not rushing for a partner - I guess I’m in a dark place where I feel like it may never happen, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m pretty self sufficient - but also worry that me and DS, whilst being safe and we are a good unit - is not healthy long term. Our lives could get very small. I have great friends yet it gets harder and harder, they all have their own lives and I end up fitting around them, but it is just so much harder for DS and I end up refusing invites rather than drag DS to everything. Am determined to get some kind of work, even part-time. Or may still pursue academia as I’m told I’ve got some good ideas in my field, but need up to date references and current research experience.

Apologies I just feel overwhelmed. I really, really appreciate everyone’s posts. It helps massively even the challenging ones. Taking it all on board.